So often when we are grieving we can feel as if we're far from normal. Like other 'first' times in life, a new baby, a new job, a new marriage everyone has an opinion. When our life has been devastated by grief the "you're not normal" critics come out in force. We might be doing things and saying things which friends and family think are downright odd and worrying and they're happy to share that with us. "Why are you still crying?" "You should be over it by now." "Don't you think it's time you cleaned out her room?"
Somehow who we are and how we are grieving is not OK. It seems by other people's standards we're not normal after all. There's something wrong with us. The seed of doubt has been planted in our mind – maybe we are crazy after all because it sure does feel like it most times. Along with feeling we've lost the plot we also feel so lonely and so very alone at a depth that is beyond measure, beyond belief. Not only have we lost the person we love with all our heart, but we're being told to not grieve for them in the way that feels right for us. In our fragility and vulnerability there is no-one who understands and it seems that we are struck down with the force of all we have to bear.
It is so very painful to feel that way but in actual fact what we are feeling is very normal. No two people are the same. No two people love the same and no two people grieve the same. Your grief is your grief and how you deal with it is yours to decide alone.
For someone whose heart has been ripped out of their body and is aching to hold their loved one again you are very normal if:
Out of the blue you smell them, it's so 'them' it's as if they were here.
The pain is so bad you don't think you can go on.
The only way you can fall asleep is in front of the TV.
You are so angry at everyone even at them for leaving you.
You think you've done something wrong because your friends don't come around or contact you any more.
You feel so anxious you're having trouble leaving the house.
You get excited about signs – butterflies, coins etc.
You feel stupid when you share it with someone who doesn't understand.
You can't remember how to do things you've done hundreds of times before.
You can't bear to wash that t- shift, that sheet, that special toy.
You're dreading the holidays when everyone else is excited.
You find it hard to be around people who have what you have lost, it hurts so much.
You are fiercely possessive of their things.
You think you will never stop crying.
You have no interest in anything – you're on autopilot.
If someone asks you what you're doing next week you can't even comprehend next week you are one minute, one hour at a time.
You talk to them everyday.
You are sure you hear them sometimes.
You kiss and hug their photos.
You follow someone down the street because you are convinced it is them.
You're thinking about the anniversary months ahead.
You can't bring yourself to go to the cemetery.
You panic when you can't remember their face.
You're at the cemetery every day.
Your death no longer worries you because you get to see them again.
You call their phone and hope for just a moment they'll answer.
If anyone else asks you how you are you think you'll scream.
You hope it's a bad dream you'll wake up from soon.
Everything is exactly as it was in their room.
You walk into a room and the longing for them hits you like a bolt out of the blue, they are everywhere.
You think you're family are from another planet their grief is so different to yours.
You don't feel safe when you drive the car anymore your brain is in a fog.
Many many years later you cry at some little thing and wonder why after so long.
You remember the time, the day, the week, the year totally and absolutely.
You worry yourself sick about your family now.
You so wish someone could understand.
If you enjoyed this article please check out my ebook,"What's Normal?….Finding Your Own Normal through Your Grief" When people are telling you it's not OK to grieve in the way that you are, I'm here to tell you it is.
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you so much.every thing you say is true,The crying ,in your mind as though he’s with me.Looking at his pic’s.talking to him.and yet I know he’s not there..We were so happy,.Apart of my family.seems though they don’t care for me any more,they never come to see me.even when I’m ill.In their minds they think its because I’m now 83yrs.But that is not the case,My son & wife also his Daughter& son,do things for me .like help me take me to doctor;s etc.Ring me up.But I still feel ,they think I’m a little off it. they don’t understand me now,,,,,But you seem to know every thing re losing one you love etc.I’ do thank you…..May I also ask your advice please’?By any chance would you know of any place wwhere I could buy ,acheap Large worded Bible……I’ did have one ,but now its dissapeared,I’ve looked every where,but to no avail..I’ do thank you ,Your words are a great comfort. thank you once again…….Fay Krueger
Fay I know very much the pain of losing loved ones and that guides my writing by sharing what I have experienced. It is often what others are experiencing too and there is great comfort in knowing you are not the only one. Try this site for your bible, its online but they have a range of large print bibles http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/cms_sp?sp=58063 ~ Maureen
Every time I read your newsletter I think “Finally, FINALLY someone understands” and I don’t feel like such a “freak of nature” because I am NOT the same person since my parents died. Yes, I’m an adult but their deaths were unexpected and my world imploded with their last breaths. I never will be the same. I’m having to learn to live without them, much earlier than I thought I would, I’m having to carve out a new identity because with their deaths much of who I was, my history, also died. And some people just can’t “get” that. And those are the people who have yet to experience a “real” loss. For so long my grief and inability to put the grief in perspective has kept me anxious and isolated..through your sharing of your own experience and the newsletters, I am able to see some pieces won’t be out back together, some areas of life will always be sensitive and right here, right now, is the best I can do. I still feel detached from others, joy eludes me 99% of the time, I have difficulty remembering things but, I’m trying, even on the days I don’t want to. So, thank you for this web site and newsletter. I for one, am grateful to you.
There is so much comfort in the feeling that comes from being understood. Thank you for your lovely words Christina ~ Maureen
I lost my son in November to suicide and my world has fallen apart. I try to remain strong because that’s why is expected out of me but he was a big part of my heart. Nothing will ever be the same. Six weeks after my son died my father passed away, with all this I have taken a step back and reassed my life. I want to let go of anything negative and only be surrounded by people that bring happiness into my life even if it means letting go of the ones you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. Thank you for your inspirational words, they have brought new meaning into my life and I hope they can do the same for others. Although I have a very long road to walk on this journey of grief for its only been five months since my son left me and a few months since my father, I know they are guiding and protecting my heart each step of the way.
Malette such a heartache to lose a beloved son and then your father as well, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes grief is a great teacher and can really make us re-evaluate what is important to us in life. It sounds like you are doing what you can to heal gently from your great loss always knowing that your loved ones are with you. ~ Maureen
Maleate, boy what a coincidence……I lost my 22 yr old son Akshay on August 28, 2011. He died of an overdose of medications. To date it’s a question in my mind whether it was accidental or intentional. He was my closest friend, an adult companion, a mature adviser AND my child that needed love and care. I resigned from my job, packed up our house and fled from the US where we lived for 26 years and came to live with my parents in India. Within three weeks of my arriving , my Dad passed away one night in my Mom’s and my arms. He had no health issues. I had lost my beloved dog, Kaiser who was like my second child in Nov 2010. My world had imploded….I lost the three most important beings in my life within 15 months. My son’s loss is so intense that I could not grieve for my Dad. I miss my baby, he was my life. I sleep with a pillow that has his picture and talk to him. There are days when I am so frustrated and angry with the world including myself. I just want to be with him and not very many people understand this. I think that I am truly cursed for being alive while my children are gone. Nothing touches me anymore….i am detached from others and even when I do smile its a sham, there is no joy. My memory has been affected. I cannot recall things easily. I left my husband behind and am thankful that he has his family to support him as I cannot….its difficult to be with family on special holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas that were Akshay’s favourite…I am in the process of establishing a not for profit foundation in his memory for the welfare of animals. It’s a love we shared and it allows me to be a mom. I am so thankful for such sites where kindred spirits meet and understand that grieving has no timeline and every person does it in a different way.
Archana Saxena
Dear Maureen
Thankyou for your thoughts on why people dont understand the grief you are going through.i will never forget whenmy father died i was in my second year of my Nurse training and my Mom was extremely grief stricken.A few months down the line my Sister in Law reprimanded my Mom and told her to get on with life and stop grieving!!!! Well my anger knew no bounds and I picked up the phone and spoke to her nicely about giving Mom the space to come to terms with her grief and that you cannot put a time frame on grief.Well I was not popular with what I did and it created a rift between her family and ours.Today that sister in law does home caring and I wonder if she has a change of mindset about grief. Regards Gavin Jensen
Dear Maureen:
Thank you so much for understanding. I find myself feeling bad because I feel selfish with my grief. I don’t know how to act but, I go to work everyday because I know its what Bob would want but, he would want me to take care of myself too. I have friends that point out that its time even compare my pain to their loss of family not husband but, family. Its not a good place to be because I feel like I have to hide my pain because it might inconvenience someone else. I am just so glad you have reached out.
I am glad to hear your words. As all the many thoughts and memories, good and bad, go racing through my mind, I often feel overwhelmed with grief and sometimes feel I am being selfish, that it is all about MY grief. Well I guess it is okay to think that it is MINE. I am trying my best, thats all I can do as I face each new minute, day, week, etc. I know that someday I will have some sort of peace of mind, but for now I need to be a warrior.
You’re comments allow me to take a deep breath. Thank you. I lost my daughter just before Christmas last year. Two days ago my youngest daughter had a car wreck. She’s o.k. but when I heard, I almost fainted! Such emotion swelled in me of fear, dread, pain, all the sick feelings I’ve had these last few months overwhelmed me. Holding her sent me into spasms of tears that scared both of us. I’ve always been so in control of me and now I’m not. I’m 74 years old and I’m falling apart. I’m praying hard that I’ll settle down and I’m sure I will but in the meantime …….
Maxine when we have lost a child and are barely hanging on by a thread, the threat of that happening again is too much to bear. I used to be in control, when my son died I couldnt control anything anymore – Ive come to understand that now and accept it more, now my vulnerability is my strength, as yours is…You will get through this and Im so very pleased to hear your youngest daughter is OK ~ Maureen
I have buried my daughter in 1992,my mother in 2002, husband in 2006, and son in 2009. If not for God I would not be sane or alive myself. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have lived, and continue to live each day in the reassurance that I will see them again. Eternity is so much better than a few years here on Earth.
That’s how i told my customers i have been feeling. That I feel so lost, I don’t want to grow to an old age without my Lisa. We were supposed to grow old together. Everything I do is not the same as i did before, I used to pay attention to everything around me. Especially when I was driving! Now I find myself hitting the brake just in time, Or go into another lane, My mind is always on my beautiful 50 year young wife Lisa, I feel so lonely, And yes death does not scare me one bit.
Maureen, i love your garden analogy. It’s so right on…and this email is quite a blessing. I have felt so very guilty, I can’t even tell you, because I just have such a hard time going to the cemetery. I feel like I SHOULD, but i just collapse into sobbing and all i can remember is that day that we buried her, her little girls playing with her burial flowers……so thank you for telling me that it’s normal, that it’s okay. i talk to her every day and look forward to one day seeing her again.
ALL of what you say is SO true. When I turn on my PC, his picture is the first thing I see. I have them every where. His clothes are still in the closet….everyone tells me I should give them away. I can’t! I can close my eyes and smell his shirts….it’s almost like he is right here with me. I try to imagine hugging him….just being near him….I see him all around me….our life was always TOGETHER!!!! It’s SO hard and not many people understand. An odd thing, one of my husbands oldest and dearest friends passed away the day before my husband. Now, his wife and I can’t even talk on the phone for crying. There are just so many memories. But I know some day we will be together again…..forever!!!! Thank you, Maureen…and GOD BLESS!
Hi Maureen, thank you for this article. People who haven’t experienced the loss of loved ones are either uncomfortable with our grief or it reminds them that death is part of life and it will happen to them. Thus, all the advice and comments that they generously offered to the bereaved. I so wish that people will try to educate themselves, through so many available resources, about grief to give them at least a little understanding, rather than giving the excuse of “I don’t know what to do or say” which is an easy way out of not doing anything to help. Thank you again.
Maureen, Thank you SO much for this article. I smiled when I read it because so much of it describes me and what I’m feeling. Mom died in February and I miss my best friend so much. I’ve had people tell me I need “help” because I seem to have too many bad days. I really would get help if I thought I needed it, but I truly believe what I’m feeling is normal and, thru this new normal I’m experiencing, I’ll find the peace and strength to carry on…just as Mom would want me to.
thanks, maureen! i am teaching on grief next week. i will share your poem on grief with my students, with due reference to you of course.
there was a year when i felt like going crazy after losing a very important man in my life.
You articles and words touch my very thoughts. They bring me comfort in many ways. Thank you.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. Now I can think that what I am going through and the feelings you list that I am constantly having are normal. It’s been 5 months since my husband of 21 years took his life. mine too. I had no warning signs that he was so unhappy and in pain until I found him. I will never be able to get that out of my head.I would have done anything to help him. Why didn’t he confide in me? I am left to raise our daughter who isn’t handling this too good either by myself in a life without my support, my rock, the man I depended upon, looked for answers, and should have spent the rest of my life with.
Gina, I cannot begin to feel the pain you must have in your heart. Sending you love and support ~ Maureen
Thanks so much for your words of comfort. In this article you have made me feel normal in the way I am handling my grief. It’s so hard to let go of someone you’ve been with 57 years. I experience so many of the feelings you have pointed out in your article. The sunshine and plants coming alive in the spring definitely help. I have several plants I can associate with loved ones I have lost and I look forward to seeing them come back each year. Thanks again.
Maureen,thank you so much for your kind words always. Your articles and writing bring some comfort to me,so i want to thank you again.I just want the hurting to stop….
Dear Maureeen,
I apologize for that it took to day 27 of you writing to me daily before I wrote back to thank you for being my life line. I have read and sometimes reread everything you have sent me, thank you for sharing your heart with me so that mine could be eased. I have buried both my parents and lost babies, but loosing my husband, my life partner and best friend has brought me to my knees. My world imploded ..I never will be the same. I’m having to learn to live without him and there is a part of me that just didn’t want to. Through your sharing of your own experience and the newsletters, I am able to see some parts of my life won’t be out back together, some areas of life will always be sensitive and right here, right now, is the best I can do.
I still feel detached from others, I have difficulty remembering things but, I’m trying, even on the days I don’t want to to go outside, to look around me feel the sun and look at the clouds. You have a beautiful and wonderful gift, thank you for sharing and caring me through, I am forever grateful.
Valerie
Thank you Valerie for your beautiful words..losing someone we love with all our hearts is the hardest battle we ever have to face in life, you are doing all that with great love and great heart. I am so very honoured to have made a difference in your life as you have in mine ~ Maureen
I lost my son 2 weeks ago. I am so glad to hear that we grieve in our own unique way. I am back at work surrounded by people who love and care for me. I keep busy because if I had to imagine missing my son for the rest of my life I would be curled up in a ball on the floor. I will deal with my grief and loss a little bit at a time as I am able or allow myself. Well thats my plan anyway. God is so good – he is carrying me – there are only one set of footprints in the sand right now. God Bless all of you – Carollyn
Hi Maureen,
My son Justin was killed in June of 2011. He was 21 the father of a 3 month old baby girl. I know it's been almost 10 months but as Mother's Day and the anniversary of his death grows nearer the sadness, depression and anxiety seems to be intensifying. I feel the weather changing and we had our first very warm day here in Northern California but I couldn't even turn on the fan in my bedroom as the sound reminded me of that nightmare morning and the paralyzing months that followed. It was warm then too. Such a little thing like the sound of a fan can trigger so much pain. I am trying so hard to be strong for my daughter, husband and grand daughter but it's so exhausting "acting" strong all the time. I want this intense pain to go away so but then again I don't….it's all I have left of my son. When I'm with my daughter I feel like I need to be happy around her so she knows she is just as important as her brother and I love her equally which of course is true, but even allowing myself a moment of happiness seems so wrong and I feel so guilty. But then again, I feel guilty if I'm not the happy person I used to be for my daughter. She is 24, I know she understands, but I still feel the guilt. I am surrounded by very supportive and loving family but I feel so alone. Maureen, how did you cope and continue to live with these depilitating, conflict of feelings?
Vickie, I feel so very much for you right now. Grief is like that always that duality, that conflict and all those emotions. I can tell you that pain is not all you have of your beautiful son, Justin. You dont have to cling onto pain to feel close to him and have him part of your life. Now it is in much different ways to what you are used to. Please do get my free email series I truly believe it will help you http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/ ~ Maureen
Thank you for your reply Maureen. Your articles and the comments and compassion of other parents help keep me in the light rather than falling into the darkness that I drift to. In my heart I know I the pain is not really all I have left of Justin; I have so, so much more. Justin taught me so much in his short 21 years and brought his Dad, Sister and I so much love and joy…I never knew you could love someone that much until he and his sister were born, I wouldn't give that up for anything. In time, I'm hoping those beautiful memories dominate my life instead of the pain. I want to be able to honor my son's life here on earth until it's my time to be called home and we can be reunited. I hope one day I can bring healing compassion to others in need.
Thank you for your words. It really does help to just know there are others out there who understand. My dad died 8months ago and I feel like the "fight" has gone out of me, its hard to make plans for the future because I simply don't care anymore. I am extremely jealous of people with joy because I feel like I will never have that again, I used to be a joyful, funny, loving and responsible person. Now I'm moody, distant and forget to eat if I don't write it down. I live currently live in Asia and actually called my dad 3 times in the months after he died because I forgot. I'm worried that when I go back home in few weeks my grief will "start over" again because it hasn't really been real not being in my home town all these months. I know God is by my side and will carry my through, but i still feel crazy sometimes for "how hard" I'm taking it. It seems to be harder than in the beginning, I think that is because I was in shock for the first month or two now its gone and the pain comes through.
Taylor, its so very hard dealing with the physical loss of someone we love with all our heart. Know that you will deal with it in the only way you can by being you and one tiny step at a time. Hugs ~ Maureen
Thank you Maureen, for this site, in 1994 I lost a son to suicide……..this March 24th, I lost his brother to a heart attack. I had no idea , for Terry (my son) said nothing to me how he felt. I have had 2 open heart operations and breast cancer.., The saying is "God does not give us more than we can bare" I am so overwhelmed right now, I am in so much pain with this last death of Terry….I feel so much guilt that at the end of his life , I should have called 911 and instead told him to…….I was so shocked that he had chest pains that I almost did not believe him?! huh?! Death now would be a relieve to me………..where I have fought so hard to live , now I cannot wait to see my children
Oh Lynne, how very painful for you, your heart is totally broken I can hear it in your words. To lose two beautiful children is so very tragic, I am sending you a hug to reach out and touch you with love. Try to find gentleness for yourself in your soul, hard as I know it is when we feel we should have, could have done more. May their love fill your heart always and may the grace of God give you peace as you sleep ~ Maureen
It is also awful for people who aren't traditional parents. I lost 4 whom I mentored. They weren't my biological children. 2 were killed. 1 died of cancer. 1 died in Afghanistan. I know I will see them again. They ALL loved Yeshua. (Jesus). Only my Heavenly Father and just a few family and friends understood. It is a lonely walk. A few things I learned from this is that G-d can be trusted. He never leaves us even if we can't feel Him Presence, He is there and He understands. I learned more about trusting Him too, because He gave His very own Son for us, so He understands our pain of separation. Some may say, "Well, He is God so He doesn't really understand." I would answer, "Yes He does. And if we can't relate to that, He sent us saints in the Bible who show us the way. Think of Mary, Christ's mother. She had to go through it. St. Paul did too, and many others. All down through history since Adam and Eve, people have experienced this and there is fellowship in suffering. It is not easy, but do-able with the help of the Holy Spirit our Comforter. I hope this helps somebody today.
on mothers day something very different happened to me- when i looked at my husband i seen my sons face and he was smiling!! lost my son to an automobile accident on July 5th it will be 2 years. i told my sister in law and she did not seem to be interested as tho i was a bit crazy…
I don’t even know what to say except thats me and I didn’t write it! Meaning there’s more people out there feeling the same way I do! I’m crying tears of relief. That no it’s not just me and I’m not messed up I’m normal. This helped so much I think I’ll read it everyday.
Meghan it is such a relief to know that we’re not going crazy after all. If you liked that you will probably find great comfort in my ebook “What’s Normal?….Finding Your Own Normal Through Your Grief” http://esdeer.com/whats-normal/ ~ Maureen
Thank you so much for all the inspiration. I am glad that I am normal. June 7th will be 2 years since my mom died and man, i miss her every day. Especially now, my step dad and I are not getting along anymore since he started dating his girlfriend and she and her kids moved in. It's so hard because he has been my only dad for 20 years and even though he has gone through this tragic event also, he doesn't understand. He won't allow himself to grieve or think about things and I think it has made him bitter at everything and everyone that reminds him of my mom. I wish everyday that I could get a hug from her and talk to her and get advice from her. But reading your posts on facebook helps me to know that I am not the only one going through a tragic life event.
Sending you hugs Faith, keep your Mum’s love with you to guide you always ~ Maureen
Is it normal to be so mad at everyone and everything around you…So much so that you end an 18 year friendship because that person never called or wrote or anything to offer their condolences on the loss of your mother…is this normal or did I over react? I want everyone to hurt!
Trish, anger is one of the most commonest emotions of grief and yes it is normal. This article gives you some ideas for safe ways express your anger http://esdeer.com/anger/ ~ Maureen
No truer words were ever written. Thank you for validating my heart.
Thank you so much for posting these things. I was fortunate to give my testimony today in Church on what God did for my husband before he died and now for me since he died. I had many people come up to me afterwards and tell me how it spoke to them. That is why I spoke. For them. I know that I am not the only one who has walked this walk. This is something that our society doesn't want to talk about. Death. We turn from it and those of us who have to walk this path are treated as outcasts because people don't want talk about death. It is our job to teach them. If we keep speaking out and not letting them stifle us, then maybe others coming along behind us will be able to do it better than we have.
Finally, somebody that understands and "gets it". Tears fall as I read this. My baby Brynn was stillborn 7 months ago at full term for a reason only God knows. I have enjoyed everything I have read from you. You remind me that "I am normal" when so many physcians just want to throw depression meds in my face. And that was only after a couple months of dealing with my loss. Sometimes I just want to print out what you have written and give it to them. I know they are trying to be helpful but they do no understand loss of this nature. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you so much for writing this. It is exactly how I feel. I lost my mother from alzheimer's 14months ago today and my pop 5months ago from alzheimers and I was the caretaker. I do feel like my heart has been wrenched out of my body and everything you said is so true. I keep trying to keep it to myself because most think I should be over it but it will never happen. If one more person tells me they were old or had a good life I am going to lose it. They don't understand they were just mom and pop to me. I read your words everday and it helps me get thru. Thank you and God bless you. This also has brought back every other loss I ever had. Particularly my baby grandson Stevie.
I don’t keep up my e mail. One of those things I can’t bear to do sometimes for months. So here it is July and I just read April. But it was what I needed to hear right now at this time at this moment. I am crying because someone knows me better then the people closest to me. It has been a little over a year and a half since my 28 year old son pasted. My husband and other two children have pulled away from me because of mt grief. My present husband didn’t know my son very well. But I don’t undertand his brother and sister not comunicating with me. I am seeing a therapist and she says the same thing you have. But it is so hard when even my 85 year old father yells at me to move on and get over it. Thank you for your message and letting me have a safe place to vent my feeling. Barb
Feeling for you Barb, sometimes it can only be those who have experienced something similar who have that ability to understand. I hope the love of your beautiful son will strengthen you as you grieve your deep loss ~ Maureen
Thank you so much for your reply. I am now going to try to read everything you post. Maybe I wasn’t ready before now. somrtimes the pain of loss can be so bad you don’t want healing words you just want to grieve.
GOD bless
Barb
Hi Barb,
As Maureen has said, only someone who has gone through what we have can understand. Please know you are not alone, my heart goes out to you. My 21 year old son was murdered a little over a year ago, and his killer has yet to be caught. The pain is so consuming sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. You are right, as painful as it is, and as much as we don’t want to accept it, we need to grieve, holding it in can be toxic….don’t let anyone tell you it’s time to move on…they have no clue. In your own time. I believe your son is with you as mine is with me, watching over us until we can be reunited when it’s our time. We ALL must cross over; for whatever reason, our sons needed to leave before us. Our pain is so great because our love for our sons is even greater. That will never die, ever.
Vickie,
Thank you for sharing. I feel we mothers who lose our children become sisters in our grief. No one but another mother can understand our pain and despair.
Thank you for your comment and may we be blessed with the healing of our hearts and souls.
Barb