If you are, you’re not alone. The stress of grief is debilitating and it’s experienced by many after the loss of a loved one. Grief has the capacity to bring us to our knees physically as well as emotionally. We can feel totally exhausted, knackered, wiped out and depleted. How about spent, fatigued, and crippled with tiredness? There are many more descriptions of the bone crushing weariness that grief and loss leaves in its wake.
It can take us off-guard, this crippling weariness and physical struggle. Every little thing becomes a major feat and a major test of endurance. When you consider what has happened though, it’s not surprising. Yet often we do indeed find it most surprising!
This is some or most of what has come before:
Days, weeks, months or years of care-giving.
Days, weeks, months or years of watching a loved one struggle.
An unexpected call or knock at the door telling you of something horrific and unbelievable.
Having to make life and death decisions often at a moment’s notice.
Unexpected travel and associated costs.
Surrounded by happy faces in the maternity ward.
Organising a funeral service when you’re numb with pain.
Government bureaucracy.
Unpaid leave or pending unemployment.
Expectations of others.
The feeling of being alone and unsupported.
Dealing with the missing and the longing every single moment.
Crying day and night.
The paper jungle.
Worrying about everyone else.
And the list goes on. You could add to it I’m sure but it’s revealing isn’t it?
All of the above is stressful beyond measure. It tests you to the limits of what you ever believed you were capable of enduring and more! Dealing with the emotional fallout of those experiences can be utterly exhausting. It takes over your body and you can feel it creep into the very marrow of your bones.
Then on top of all that you have to find some resources within yourself to keep on keeping on with the routine of daily living. Anna from Pleasant View Schoolhouse writes, “Grief is exhausting. It is the difficulty of existing in two worlds at a time.” Amidst the intense pain of dealing with your grief you have to keep a home running, talk with people, get back to work, be alone for the first time in years and much much more.
Often having this awareness about where you have come from and what you are dealing with on a daily basis is enough for you to take pause. It is enough for you to recognise your great strength in living after loss and it is enough for you to say to yourself, “No wonder I feel tired!”
With that awareness of your circumstances, it may then become easier to accept the need for more rest, for gentleness to yourself, for time out from demanding schedules and a focus on self-nurturing and the restoration of your aching body and hurting heart.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below…
Maureen Hunter is a grief coach, bereaved mother, author and speaker. She is widely known for providing inspiration and instilling hope into the lives of many experiencing grief and loss. Her unique gifts lie in understanding the territory of grief and insightfully helping individuals how to deal with grief and move forwards into their own “living after loss”.
{ 125 comments… read them below or add one }
Anna's comment "It is the difficulty of existing in two worlds at a time." is so true – no matter how you feel inside sometimes you just have to carry on living in a parallel universe.
Moira
Absolutely Moira, such is grief, such is life!
Dear Maureen,
You just described all I feel and more. We each have a unique way of grieving but it does exhaust us on all levels. Thank you for your words of comfort and God Bless you and all who grieve.
Donna
Thank you Donna, big hugs ~ Maureen
Maureen I enjoy your articles so much. You have a way of going to the most painful wounds and shining light on them. My experience with grief exhaustion has taught me
that my ordinary ways of replenishing, such as extra rest, taking more time outs, isn't always enough, although very necessary as you say. For me exhausting grief has left me "running on empty." Nurturing myself with spiritual and creative time outs helps. Thankfully I live in an area that has many of these sources Thanks again for bringing your wisdom and advice.
Thank you Dolores. It’s so good to hear what has helped as it can then help so many others ~ Maureen
I can't believe how tired I am. My mom died at age 65 from Ovarian cancer. She fought hard for 6 1/2 years. I helped care for her in the last six months of her life.
I am so tired I have trouble making decisions. I have no appetite and have lost about 20 pounds. Even writing this takes a toll. My brain is foggy much of the time. My hands shake and my heart races all the time. All of a sudden I am dealing with asthma that has been under control for 15 years and I am short of breath.
I am a mom to 2 teenagers and I have so little energy to care for them. I want to feel better but at the same time I don't. I have support through Hospice but other than that I have had no support from friends or family. Part of me wants to get really sick and then maybe someone will notice me and offer help. It has been 4 months since my mom died and I am just so weary.
I’m so sorry to hear that Barbara, it is crippling dealing with life after the loss of someone we love so very much. The hardest thing is that life continues on regardless and we have to deal with it amidst our pain. I am not sure if you have my Opening the Door to Hope Booklet, but it might be a help to you. http://www.esdeer.com/hope Heart hugs ~ Maureen
Hi Maureen,
Thank you for this article which reflects exactly what I think and feel. My top of that list is the constant missing and longing for my son, and is very draining emotionally and hence it exhausts me physically. Fortunately, there are 'lighter' moments in a day where giref is not gripping so hard on my being. I went back to your article on self-nurturing and the suggestions you wrote give me ideas to take care of myself everyday. Thank you again.
Hali, I love the words you use to describe your grief, it is so true. The missing and longing is so very difficult. I’m not sure if you have seen this video or not, but it may help: http://esdeer.com/tmiss/ Hugs ~ Maureen
Thank you Maureen,
I enjoy reading your thoughts and articles because even though I am at the moment doing well, there are days that I hurt and I feel so weighted down its amazing that I get out of bed and go on with my day. I'm not working right now (unemployment) so I feel blessed that I am going through this without having to actually go to work. For those who don't know, my husband took his dear life almost 5 months ago. I am beyond thankful for the support of people; friends, family, church, counseling. But I have never tried to stop the grief when it comes and I can only say the experience is mind, body, soul altering. I am not the same person mostly for the better believe it or not. I just can not have my husband back, I must go on, he is still with me however in a very different way. God bless all who have suffered so much.
Linda.
I agree totally with what you say Linda. My life has changed in so many ways for the better since my son’s death and like you my relationship continues with him only now in a very different way. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your husband though pleased that you have the support of so many to lift you up. ~ Maureen
Maureen, thanks for sharing that. I feel all of that and so much more. This month will be the 1st anniversary of my sons death and I feel no better today than back then. Sometimes its even worse. I'm not who I once was and don't think I"ll ever get back to that place ever again. I feel alone in my pain. I have a church family who can't even begin to feel my pain, therefore they leave me alone….big help. I have faith God will get me through it in his time, until then I'm not sure how to continue. My husband, not my son's father, just doesn't have a clue and thinks I should be all better by now. He hasn't said that but I feel that. I was involved in so many outreach groups in my past, Relay For Life, Evening of Giving, The Eagles, The Lions Club, etc. All charitable groups. I moved away from all that before Corey's death. I recently got involved in the Relay For Life thinking I needed to get myself back into society, but am realizing I just can't do it. Last night I was suppossed to speak and I couldn't breath. I was having an anxiety attack. Wil this ever end?????
Oh Cheryl I feel for you so much, sending you a big hug. Over time a gradual adaptation to our loss and grief happens and we slowly begin to integrate that loss into us and into our life as we begin to pick up the threads again. You will never be as you once were, that person has gone. Grief has changed you but it doesnt mean that it will all be for the worst, hard as that is to believe right now. It sounds like you are very isolated in your grief with little support, something that makes it very hard. You will know what you can and cant do and follow your own guide, not as someone else would have you be or do. Anxiety is also a very common experience in grief. Here are some ideas for you.
1. There are a couple of very active and supportive groups on facebook for bereaved mothers, you may be able to voice the pain that sits in your heart in safety – they are closed groups. Sometimes it takes a while to find somewhere where you can find support, there will be somewhere for you.
2. You may find my 30 days: 30 ways free email series helpful to you. So many people have told me its helped them by receiving messages of support each day. Here’s the link http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/ ~ Maureen
I’m do glad I found this page.
I lost my middle son in a car wreck 9 months ago, he was 21. His girlfriend was with him, we also lost her, she was 19 and pregnant with my first grandchild. It is a major struggle everyday just to make myself get up and get through another another day, but I have to make myself do it for my 2 other sons. I feel so tired all the time, I have headaches, my back hurts so bad sometimes until I just want to cry more…I feel so completely exhausted. I don't even know how or where to start trying make my self feel better, sometimes I just feel so lost and alone with all this pain and grief.
Donna, the loss of a child is such a crippling loss. It is the worst feeling of being with people but being so terribly alone and each day enduring such agony. My heart aches for you. I know when my son died (a car accident also) I thought I would never survive the pain was so great, but I did, as you will too though that will seem unlikely and unbelievable to you right now. I suggest you take a look at my 30 days: 30 ways free email series, it might be a start for you, it has been helpful for so many http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/ Hugs ~ Maureen
I had the "unexpected" phone call and loss of my best friend and husband of 30yrs in October. I was "fine" for the first 11 wks and then the exhaustion hit along with the inability to sleep. The hardest thing for me to learn is to be okay with naps or resting. My ability to sleep at night is back but I still need rest during the day. I'm hoping that need will subside soon. Great article and thank you.
I’m so sorry Sandy,its so hard to get that phone call or visit. Your daytime rests wont last forever, the exhaustion does finally pass and life begins to restart itself in a new way. Thank you too ~ Maureen
I just read this and it was…yes yes yes those are all me..today burst in to tears because there is a service that pays to get your lawns done and i asked for help as for last 3 wks i have been greiving and at 3 funerals and today my lawns were mowed and mowerman complained it took too long abd because of that i had to pay him and ended up mowing the rest of lawn as he charged me over what was covered and i had over expenses recently as had to get to funeral and he didnt seem to care much..so i broke down in tears when he left and my mower wouldnt start and was blowing smoke and im at breakin point and.this here fits everything..i want it to all stoo as cant take anymore
Everything is a struggle in the midst and pain of grief, its a fog of trying to carry on Anne Marie. Know I am thinking of you ~ Maureen
Thank you, Maureen, for this lovely article. I have shared a link to it in my Stillwaters Newsletter this month. In peace, Ashley
Thats fine Ashley, I’d love to receive a copy when you send it out. Thanks so much ~ Maureen
This explains the pain I have been feeling. It has been more physically then what I am normally use to.
Thanks Maureen.
It can be a great surprise to us Jacqueline, glad it’s helped explain things for you a little better ~ Maureen
It has been 7 months since my husband has passed away. I am so incredibly tired and have developed health issues (besides the already existing panic attacks) that are draining as well. I just recently took our daughter on vacation hoping that we could heal. It was great as long as we were gone and then we returned and she left. Again I was faced with an empty house (that we built and will be losing soon) and an uncertain future. The crippling effects of loss is staggering. There are days when getting out of bed is a chore in itself. There are so many losses to consider that outsiders do not comprehend unless of course they have experienced the same loss. The reminders at every glance, the monthly anniversary dates, all the first's, and still having faith that the Creator has done this for a reason. The only thing that helps is that I know he left to save a place for me and we will be reunited one day. I also try each day to be thankful for what I have, what we built, and all that he taught me. All of this would be better dealt with if I could get over the physical effects and the extreme fatigue. Thank you for your time and the interesting information that this site holds.
Denise grief is debilitating and its effects are felt in our life in every single aspect of day to day. The first year is the year of firsts and that in itself is such a challenge. Let your days be interspersed with gentleness for yourself ~ Maureen
Sounds like me. My husband had been gone a month. I blame myself for not being here. He fell and hit his head and had a heart attack. He fell alot I should had already quit work and stayed with him. I know i have to go on but can not find a reason too. Everyone saids it will get better but if don't
It takes time and hard work to get better Glenda, its just been hardly a whisper in time so far. I am so very sorry about your husband. It is so easy to blame ourselves for something that was beyond what we could do, although you might think otherwise now. Be very gentle on you at this time and allow yourself to feel however you feel ~ Maureen
Denise, I am in my 4th month of losing my husband and can say I definitely understand how you feel and have experienced some of the same things. I'm saying a prayer for you and believing we will both get through this. Hang in there.
Thank you Maureen and Sandy for your thoughts and prayers. May our Angels watch over all of us.
The best gift my mother left my four sisters and I, is that we each felt individually, as being loved the most. How can one person make 5 people feel very uniqely special? How can one person, regardless of how she was raised and what era she was raised in love a person according to their own individual personality and abilities? It's called "unconditional love". My mother was not a cookie cutter Mom, as I sometimes feel I am with my own children. The end result is we all grieve her differently, as there is no cookie cutter way to grieve, either.
Since my mom's passing, I've learned through shared stories and conversations, that my mother had a different relationship with all of us. I knew what my relationship was with her, and loved every day of it! We had an intelectual relationship, we dug deep into our psychies with eachother & life, and talked about the realities of life and the mysteries of life. For that, when we discovered her illness was taking her to a risky surgery, we had realistic conversations sprinkled with expectations of positive and miraculous outcomes. Another sister shared deep routed and spiritual qualities with our mother. Being Native American, they cultivated our beliefs and love of art & nature. And yet, another sister was very strong in personality, though very week in life and stability; where our mother always had to "bail" her out and keep her "afloat".
So, as you can imagine – we are grieving our mother's loss differently, exactly the way we lived and loved with her. The one thing that is exactly the same is the pain. I grieve privatley, and know it's purpose, one grieves symbolically, and holistically, and the other grieves with pain steaking anger & agression. The other two are not as present in my life to know – although we are still very close.
The angry sister can't get past the suffering, the way the health care system failed our mother, which in turn took her from us, the unsatisfactory job she feels our sister is doing as the executor of her estate, and so on. The one characteristic my mother has bequethed to me, is to hold my sister up through this grieving process – that's her quality I posess.
It is extremely difficult to deal with her antics and recollections, and negative spins when I am also dealing with our mother's loss. She has every right to feel this way, but I fear she is not healing or trying to. The problem is, because I handle it differently, she acts as though this has only happened to her. She acts as though our mother meant the most to her, and her children were the closest and most loved. I can get passed all that most days, because she is just a vocal person who needs to be heard & agreed with. But, I feel so subjected to her and I don't know how to help her anymore. I am happy to bond and be a support, but she disregards me & my feelings and disrupts my house and my family at times. If I have plans that do not include her, she spins deeper into depression and feels like she has no life; and I feel guilty.
I think she will greatly benefit from this site and you are just wonderful, and your words are so very healing. Thank you for this journey I am about to take with you. I am so happy I found this site.
I am so pleased you are finding solace here and what a beautiful gift your mother has given you ~ Maureen
Maureen, I can totally identify with what you wrote. You described it exactly the way I feel. After my son Marty died, I could not even walk. My husband would have to hold me up to move from place to place. It does hurt to the bone. Today, I still want to be alone unless I am with others who have lost children. I know its not fair to others who care, but I feel that they are the only ones who understands my pain and heartache. Thanks for your words that give me comfort and solace. Peace and love ~ Becky Loflin – Marty's Mama
It can be such a comfort to be with those who know a little of what we go through. Hugs Becky ~ Maureen
My husband had a stroke in April 2011. He was in the hospital, in rehab, then home for a few days and back to the hospital, due to 'complications'. I brought him home in August, to…. as the doctor put it," Spend what time you have left with him". That was heart breaking enough. I took care of him until he passed away in October 2011. I had begun to feel so drained of energy. And it has not come back. Sleep is a rare thing….and the tiredness is always there. I feel like I'm' shaking' inside all the time. There's no other way to describe it. I can't concentrate on anything for long and don't really want to. I think about my beloved almost constantly. We were together 24 / 7….365 days a year…and now he's gone. We had 43 years of wonderful love and beautiful memories together. I will cherish them until we are together again. Thank you so much, Maureen for all your heartfelt words of encouragment. You ….and the Lord have helped me so much. I believe He helped me to find you. GOD BLESS YOU!
The pain of grief is so easily recognised in another Deborah and I feel for what you are going through. Hugs ~ Maureen
This message couldn't have come on a better day. My dad unexpectedly passed away three days after Thanksgiving in 2011. (A week and two days after my parents 50th wedding anniversary.) Everything has been so crazy. I am trying to be strong for my mom and help her get through this. Last week she had to go to the hospital for three days. I had to be there for her because she has no one else. (Which I didn't mind.) I was so drained before this now, I am really drained-physically and emotionally. Today I called her cell and her voice mail picked up. Her message is the one my dad had put on there when they got the phones. So I heard my dad's voice today. I started crying in the car. I stumbled across your site. The pictures and the quotes have been very comforting.
Grief is exhausting. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I have a part time job that helps pay some of the bills, but there are days when I can't get to it, so there is financial worry on top of it all. I was my mother's caregiver for 12 years and three days after her funeral, I got access to all the records and learned her financial adviser stole $50,000 from her and concealed it. If I had had that money when I was caring for her I wouldn't be in such panic now. I can relate to the panic attacks, the feeling of aloneness, the emptiness. All of it.
I am so sorry to hear of your worry on top of everything else Lyday – heart hugs Maureen
Marueen, You're timing on sending this is uncanny. This is the worst night I've had in a very long time. My father died Dec. 2009, my husband just a little more than a year later Jan. 2011, and my mother just this January. I feel the emptiness again that I felt when my husband died last year. I honestly didn't think I'd hurt this bad again, but here it is. I'm not sure if the trigger was just one of those things or that I am preparing to sell our/my house very soon . It's going to be another major change in my life which I am approaching with feelings of sadness, anxiety, and to be honest a little curiousity as to what else lies ahead. You are right when you said you never know when it will hit you again. I am thankful that alot of the time now I remember the past with a smile and even a laugh on occasion. I can feel him looking at me when I do something silly like using my cooking utensil as a microphone singing in the kitchen or something that makes you want to just say "duh".So thank you for all you do and taking the time to read this and let me release some of these feelings. I am feeling better already. Again thank you.
yes I am going through all of this right now. I am so tired at times. I start something and then I realize I am so tired and just leave it. I cry every day still. I have gone thru not only having my husband die but my step children making my life terrible. I have decided to just forget them. Well I am going on like I have a session here with you. I am going thru a lot more right now and is exhausting and I feel at times completely alone. Everyday I get something done.Thank God I have my daughter to help me as most of my family is in another state. My husband Garry died Jan. 13th of this year. Just 2 months ago
It feels as if my mind and my body are two seperate parts.torn into two seperate worlds.One part is here,one part is there.My life stopped with the deaths of my sons.I have felt for many years now as if I am in limbo.And yes,i am exhausted to the bone almost every day.No matter how often I get up in the morning thinking I will make this day different ,before I know it I am ready to go back to bed and just pull the covers over my head.i can not seem to cope with the every day things in life any more no matter how hard I dtruggle.
Feel my heart hug Linda, and feel your beautiful sons with you each day. Feel their love, your love with you even when you cant face the day…your love can never be taken away, can never be forgotten x
I don't understand why it has taken four years SINCE mum's passing to hit me so horrendously!! I cried and grieved at the time, and managed to get through and carry on… and now.. its apparently REALLY here!!??? I don't understand why now?
Sometimes Lisa we are so busy at the time and although we do grieve, there will be times when our grief erupts again and is triggered by other things.
It feels so painful but it is healing to feel it and express it, to let it have its time and its flow. Hugs Maureen
I am so hurt and missing my husband oh so much. He was my everything
and he understood everything about me. I miss him so much and can’t wait til I see him again.
Brenda
Wow, I wake up exhausted, can not believe this article, it is so me. My husband passed on 2-12-12 of a 7 year battle of Esophagus cancer. I try to stay in the grateful mood, that I had him so much longer than most with that type of cancer. Two days after he passed our beloved dog was diagnosed with a anal tumor, which is cancer. It was remvoed, but the crazy driving 75 miles one way to get her treated by a good Vet is exhausting. I have a nail salon, which I started see clients 4 days after he passed, My Mom who lives 20 miles one way from me, has 3 compound fractures in her spine and I am her paid car giver by the State. Family coming for the Memorial Service on 3-24-12, which I just found out I have to supply the food for, Eastern Star will set up, serve and clean up, but can not provide the food. Wow…. I just want to BE… does not look like that is going to happen. My plate was this full while caring from my beloved husband of 35 years, It was so hard to still spend time with him, but I did. I had the chance to fall in love with my husband all over again in such a different way than I did 35 years ago. Discovering that " Marriage is not about the Romance, it is about the Healing and the Holding "….. Life expectancy for this type of cancer is 4 months after finding it the second time, that was 1-23-08 and the Lord blessed us with this time…… Thank you Maureen for being her with your support and kind words.
Maureen: My 28 yo son Christopher passed away in October. I was shocked and numb. Your support has truly helped me to get through this grief one day at a time. I truly appreciate all your emails. They are all very helpful. I am extremely exhausted most of the time. I am taking the vitamins and trying to eat healthier. Caring for my 91 yo mother has added to the fatique. One day at a time…sometimes one hour at a time. Thanks again for your support.
Yes, I am so exhausted and beating myself up about it. My husband passed 16 years ago, three months after one of my best friends, then my Dad passed 11 months after my husband. I had three young children to raise alone while helping them and my mom thru their grief. I didn't know who I was for the longest time, then 5 years after my husband's passing, I met a wonderful man who brought love and joy to our lives. My mom passed Feb. 29, 2008 after 5 months of watching her suffer. Then in June 2008, my boyfriend was diagnosed with lung cancer. I don't think I ever really dealt with loosing my Mom because of having to be strong for my boyfriend. He passed July 3, 2011. For months I hid from that grief… Telling myself to be strong… go to work…get thru the holidays. Total denial. Now all I do is cry. I could not run or hide from the grief and pain no matter how hard I tried. I can't make a decision, and if I do make one I question it and tear it apart assuming I'm wrong. I'm invited to a wedding today and don't think I can go. Does anyone understand even the good things are so very painful? But, then I feel so guilty if I don't go to this wedding. I tell myself it's not healthy to not go to these things when I'm invited. But, I am so very tired. I want to crawl in bed and cover my head and cry my pain away. I want to be alone and cry for weeks.
I think sometimes Edie the best things we can do is honour how we feel and what we know deep within our hearts. You have had so many losses, the bham bham type that come one after the other, it is no wonder you are exhausted. Sometimes by giving ourselves permission to do what feels right for us the path through becomes clearer. Hugs ~ Maureen
WHEN YOU BEGIN THE HEALING PROCESS FROM ONE LOSS, ALONG COMES ANOTHER ONE, AND YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE BETTER PREPARED TO HANDLE IT; BUT IN REALITY YOU ARE BACK TO SQUARE ONE AGAIN.A LITTLE OVER THIRTEEN MONTHS ON VALENTINE'S DAY I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TO PANCREATIC CANCER AND YESTERDAY ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS ALSO NAMED ERNESTO.IT IS SO HARD TO PUT YOUR FEELINGS INTO WORDS.
Every loss is so individual, it seems we are never prepared and it can take us off guard. It is so hard often to express what we feel because the magnitude of it all is so very huge and overwhelming. My blessings are with you Ernesto ~ Maureen
almost a year later and i'm still exhausted……
I was caregiver for my Mom for 3 + years while she battled Leukemia, the 3 year anniversary of her passing was 2 days agp. Nine months after loosing Mom, my husband of 25 years was diagnoised with Panceratic cancer. !0 & 1/2 months later he passed. That was late Nov. 2010. I know I was still experiencing all the things you describe above from my Mom when my husband became ill. I did not nor do I now have any support from friends or family. I don't take care of myself, because I am tired and have no desire. As much as its hard to say; I am glad I am not alone in this terrible HELL. But of course everyone in my life can't understand. They think I should be fine. The 14th of March would have been my husbands 57th birthday. No one even acknowledged it.; except me, I went to the cemetary!
Patricia people do forget and go about their lives as we struggle to pick up the fragments of our broken hearts. How beautiful you went to the cemetary that day, a day where there were only the two of you and your love. Hugs ~ Maureen
I was wondering why i felt so exhausted this explains a few things. Lost my dad over 2 weeks ago and only said goodbye a couple of days ago and have found it very difficult since his funeral and couldnt understand why i felt so lethargic. Will continue to read thru your site after a facebook friend gave me the link to help me through, its such a hard time.
It is an extremely hard time Sarah and the grief we feel is something often that surprises us with its intensity. If you havent already I would suggest you get my free booklet Opening the Door to Hope, it is especially helpful for early grief such as yours. http://www.esdeer.com/hope ~ Hugs Maureen
I understand being tired all the time, my kids don't. My 25 year old son lost his battle with severe PTSD on Jan 2, 2011. He struggled for four years after coming back from Iraq and it was heartbreaking watching my baby go through what he did. I went to the hospital alone after his friends called to tell me that he had slit his throat. I arranged his funeral alone. My kids were no help, they were devastated. My father couldn't function and I had no one. One month and one week after he died, I had a massive heart attack. I waited 19 hours before I went to the hospital, I just didn't care, I think it was my way of commiting suicide without really having to do anything. My 19 year old son and his 5 year old son live with me, so I am always taking care of my grandson. He misses his uncle Dane so much, they were best friends. Then when I was released to go back to work, my boss sold the company, so I lost my job. And then to top off everything, my daughter started drinking and got into trouble with the law. And then she got a divorced and she and her two children, 4 and 2 moved in with me. She has straightened out, and I watch the kids while she works, but none of them understand why I am exhausted. My kids avoid me when I'm sad, I've always been the strong one so seeing me break down scares them and they don't know how to handle that. I would just like to go away for awhile and rest, try to regroup and make friends with the new me, but I don't see that happening yet. Maybe soon, I feel I'm at the breaking point and they are going to have to start holding themselves together because I need out for awhile. I'm exhausted.
Sue my heart goes out to you as I read your words of the agony of the past months for you. Anyone would be exhausted looking after grandchildren and children, let alone cope with the illness and suicide of your beautiful boy. Hugs ~ Maureen
Great site, 11 yrs and pain is still fresh every day. Many people do understand the emotional stages of grief today because of people like you and sites and books and speeches on grief. Many churches offer grief groups. Colleges train grief counselors. Communities train and counsel Police Officers, Firefighters, Medical response teams, etc. In the past, grief was hidden and thought to be crazy if people revealed their true feelings, so it wasnt talked about. Today, it is beginning to be more open and publicized and more of a normal thing. Grief makes us face our own mortality. Grief is loss, not only of someone or something in our lives, but pieces of ourselves. Without people like you and others, I would have never made it through what many call ‘the journey’. My husband killed 3 of my small children and himself, I had my youngest, 4th child survive. In the past, I would have been medicated and locked away in an institution. So happy that there is an option, to learn about and face grief and loss today, or I wouldn’t be here. I lost not only my children and husband, but the past, present and future with them. Parts of myself no amount of counseling or medication can replace. I can function and have good days with my daughter, who is 13 years old now. Today is also my added blessing, my other daughter’s 7th Birthday. Remember the past, Enjoy the present, and Look forward to the future. Thanks, to people like you.
Thank you so much for sharing your pain and your heart with us Joy. I cant begin to imagine what you have gone through in the past years and how you have lost so much of yourself in the broken pieces of your pain. Feel my love and hug reach out and hold you tight ~ Maureen
I lost my husband 8 months ago after a long illness and I cant tell you how tired I am. I thot it was just from all the work and worry of making sure he was comfortable in his last few months-almost a year- but after reading your words I see from you and the others that its a process. But I go with it, if I feel tired I take a nap, I might cry but I do nap. This helps but the hole in my heart seems to never get any smaller. We were together for 48 yrs and there are times that it is really hard to get thru the day. TY Maureen for your kind words.
One day I think okay I seem to be maybe getting better but seems I no more get the wprds outta my mouth than the lost feeling and tears start flowing again. I lost my husband of 30 years a year ago April 20th after only six months of taking care of him at home. He was dianosed with throat cancer and at the stage where it had gone to far and on top of that he due to losing a best friend who thought his jaw cancer was coming back killed himself , he choose not to go thru the chemo and radiation and let God handle it. He had no insurance so I was his sole nurse along with hospice who I thank so much for. We had worked so very hard to have the life we settled for when my mother gave us a lot with a small cabin on it and we improved the property so very much even buying 7 other lots surrounding it so we could expand and yet the day after he passed and on the way to inform her I was informed that my sister came down and put the property that we had left in my mothers name ( due to homesteading it) in my sons name instead of mine and every thing we worked for seemed to be for nothing. My sister says I am over reacting but not once did her nor my mother the whole 6 months we treated him at home came to see him one time and says I am just on a pity party. I just can;t seem to snap out of it and have no ideal where to start. We had moved him to ,my daughters as there was more room for a hospital bed and proceeded to make his last months the best we could. I am just not getting any better and so much need advise Oh I failed to mention we were in our sixties bvut the 30 years we had together was the best. He was my second marriage as my first ended in a divorce because of cheating then shorty after we divorced he died of cancer too. that was 17 years of my life there and believe me my husband had his work cut out for me building the trust back in men before I could go any further. Now I have noone I loved him so deeply and he was just my whole life for 30 years. How do I go on? Everything reminds me of him and I even have part of his ashes on a chain around my neck. PLEASE if anything can be suggested I despartely need help.
Samantha
Samantha, finding ways to go on after the loss of someone we love so dearly is always so very hard. The 30 day email series gives you step by step ways of doing this, as do the posts on my Facebook page – if you havent already please do come over where we can support you through this very difficult time http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief ~ Maureen
Right now I am so tired. I have to force myself to take a shower, get dressed and go to the grocery store. I have to talk myself into doing these things lately. When does it end????
I would like to comment on the deathe of mu 26 year old son. He was coming home from work and had a stroke while driving. I am his Mother and I don't sleep, it is effecting my entire life. He was so happy he had a 19 month old daughter, a new house, fairly new job. I spoke with him on his cell 10 minuted before he went over a 100 foot ravine in California. I can't cope, I don't think I will ever be happy again, I pray, I cry I don't sleep I am never tired. He was the best person you you ever want to cross paths with in your life. I can't seem to pick myself up. He was my child. I do as little as possible. I don't want to be on this earth without him.
Losing a child is crippling Darlene, feel my heart reach out and touch yours ~ Maureen
Hi Maureen,
I have been reading a lot of the comments that have been left, and I am mourning my mum who died on 31st January 2012. I haven't found many people who are grieving their mum on here, it seems mostly children and husbands. I hope that it's okay if I share my story.
I am an only child, and I lost my dad in 2000, my mum and are were very close, and got closer when he died. I looked after my mum for the past 10 years, she lived independently but just around the corner from me. We saw each other every day and she helped me with housework and being with my 4 kids.
I had a car accident which left me quite debilitated when I was 19, and over the last couple of years my body has started to deteriorated. I now have a spinal injury that requires surgery. This will be the first time that I have ever gone through surgery or anything to do with my car accident without my mum.
My mother passed on unexpectedly, we lived knowing the fact that she had an annuerysm very close to her heart, and she always said she was a ticking time bomb. We managed to enjoy every day of the past 8 years that we had together knowing that she could go at anytime. I am happy that she was able to have wonderful relationships with my kids. I am glad that in the end it was quick, but now I've been left alone and I miss her everyday, I'm so tired, I don't even think I know how to express my feelings on here. This is the first time I've reached out to anyone in writing.
The pain in my heart is enormous, the loneliness is unfathomable, I try to be there for my husband and family but find it so hard to be bothered to do anything, I find it hard to enjoy anything, I love them so much and yet I want to be by myself. Even with that thought I don't because I am scared that I will do something stupid to myself.
I knew it would be hard when I lost my mum, as I have no siblings to share in the grief, only one of my friends has lost their mother, and so relating with others is difficult. I drag myself out of bed everyday knowing that I need to be there for everyone in my family and yet it feels like no one really sees me. My 17yo son tries to be there, and I cry with him a lot, however, I don't think it is fair for my child to take the place of what I think should be something I share with my husband. Am I being fair on my son? I have no idea, I'm so lost.
My kids are very sensitive and I try not to show them how affected I am, they see bits because they need to know it's okay to grieve, but the depth of my grief seems bottomless. I had my first birthday without my mum yesterday, it was hard to be happy knowing that she wouldn't be part of my day. I have surgery on the 30th of this month and I'm scared because I know she won't be there to look after my kids while I'm away, and she won't be there to sit with me and laugh with. She was the only person I could truly be totally stupid with, and we would laugh so much together. She wasn't just my mum she was my very best friend.
I find that when the kids have gone to school I try and do the housework because if I don't I just sleep. Even after sleeping I am so tired, every moreso. Will life get easier, I hope so, but I don't see it doing that in any time soon.
Thank you for your website, I don't know how to cope, I'm just living day in, day out, in a black hole. Reading your article, I found myself crying and realising that I too live in a kind of limbo, I hope that I can find my way through the grey and black muck and become the happy person I once was. I believe there is an afterlife, and that my mum is looking in on us, however, I have so many doubts now, it makes me sad.
I don't know how to express that I love my husband and my kids so much, and yet life is so hard to show them how much. I'm just sitting in a room surrounded by people and being so alone. I will be strong, I will keep going, but sometimes I don't know how that is going to happen. I don't want my grief to eat me up so much that I miss the love and companionship of the people I have here.
Andrea please be very gentle on yourself, you are in the grip of early grief and its so ok to feel how you feel and be who you are right now. The pain does ease and gradually light returns in moments. Please do spend some time with us on facebook where there are many people who are grieving desperately, as you are for their Mums. http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief ~ Maureen
Longing is what i feel. I so want one more minute, one more hug. I want to call my mom. Hear her voice one more time.
The pain of seperation is physical..some days I can't cry anymore..just spent.
The longing can be crippling – you might relate to this video I recorded about what you talk of http://esdeer.com/tmiss/ ~ Maureen
Thanks Maureen and co it is some what comforting to know that others feel the same. Last weekend I just sleept 16 hours staight. And then 12 hours the next night.Im exhausthed, and had enough.
I was with my mum when she passed, and supported her along her horrid journey. Now my sisters have been able to resume some what of a normal life, one expecting her first baby, and the other taking of to do her .O.E.
I feel compelled to stay and support my father. (Not that I dont want to). Its just I couldnt bear the thought of leaving him on his own.As he is grieving badly to and I know my mum was worried for him when she was ill.
I understad that life goes and people have to move on. However I have found it interesting that people lack contact and support after the death of someone. When they are sick you can hardly get them out the door. But its almost like after the funeral people just carry on about there day to day business, and forget about the ones left behind.
I guess what im trying to say is I feel like im the one being et to pick up the pieces and knw one os there helping or supporting me. Or maybe I just ant see it through my grief stricken glasses.
I have put on so much weight and feel revolting. Every day is just another day.
Hope this doesnt sound like il playing my violin. I just appreciate the oppotunity to get it out .
Thank u all x
It is a sad reality of our grief Katey that people do drift away and we can feel very alone as we are struggling to cope with the barrage of emotions. If you havent already, I’d love for you to join me on my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief where not only myself but thousands of others are walking through this grief together in support and understanding ~ Maureen
After giving care for so long and then having them gone, I feel lost, confused and so missing my job as caregiver. I feel I failed her but know that she had to go. It is so lonely without them and my grief is immeasureable. Sadness and loss is what I am wallowing in. Praying is all I have…..
Dear Maureen,
Thank you for you wonderful comforting emails. I nursed my beloved husband for thirty years, he had motor neurone disease. He boe it with such fortitude, it made it so easy for me to take sole care, he deserved it & I loved him so much.We cherished each & every moment spent together, realising how precious they were.
However, it is now six years since my husband died, my family think I am being very strange. I am completely exhausted permenantly, I have a tumour on my spine which is extremely painful, I have lost all confidence, I do not want to socialise, too tired & everything from small problems to big are just so worrying when I am so alone.
I really feel as if my family would love to wash their hands of me & it is so heartbreaking, if only they would try to understand.
Thank you for your help Maureen,
God Bless
Feel my heart hug Yvonne ~ Maureen
I am not just tired, I just don't care anymore. I am numb, and nothing is of any interest to me now, it is completely empty.
Maureen I love your words but they aren't helping at all. I didn't lose one parent I lost them both 19 weeks apart. Mom was my heart and Dad was my fishing and camping go to guy. I don't have that anymore just Brothers who blame me for the decisions I had to make for both of my parents. I have even been told I died the day mom did and they have not spoken too me in the 8 months since mom has been gone. Some of the boys stopped talking to me a year ago when Dad died. I having it still hitting me all over and don't feel anything any more. I'm sorry this isn't your problem but mine. I should not take the actions of others out on you. You don't deserve it. I won't respond again. Thank you
Maureen, i don't know how i found you – i know it was thru facebook but i'm not sure how.
I want you to know that you saved my life,literally. my mother died Oct 30, 2011 at 5 mminutes to midnite. it was all planned out even though i did not believe she would actually die. i expected her to pull through as she had done in those last few months. i wanted to alone with her and be holding her when it happened. it happened just as i wanted – and when i felt her heart stop beating – i realized that i had planned for everything so that she would not be alone – iwould be with her. suddenly i realized i didn't plan for myself – when her heart stopped i was alone. since her death i have been mostly very ill, mentally and physically. i cried so much i actually have had pnemonia twice and a condition that i later found out is common with complicated grieving. one side of my head was so packed i lost my hearing in my right ear. a week after she died, i called my youngest son and told him that i was sorry but that this was just not working out. he kind of laughed and said mom what do you mean not working out.. you have to work it out. i told him that i could not and i wanted to be with her and that was that. there was nothing to keep me on this earth without her. he said mother of you kill yourself – you won't be where she is, smart kid he knew just whaat to say . then i found you. everything you write speaks to my pain, my loss, my grief the horrible longing and yearning. my wanting to see her one more time – i want to ask her questions, i want to talk to her. this is getting too long - one last thing – the article that i found about my hearing loss and how it was related to my grieve said that my head would clear out and my hearing would return when my grief was resolved and even though my grief has not resolved as you know it takes so much longer a few weeks maybe a month after soaking up your words my head cleared and my hearing returned. i miss her every day and i am crying right now, i make no promises where this road will take me – but because of you i do have hope.
Linda amidst such sorrow for your Mum, it is such an uplifting story of hope. I am so blessed to be part of your story, thank you so much ~ Maureen
I lost my 29 year old son on Feb 21, 2012 to suicide. The shock and grief has brought me to my knees. I am so exhausted; it if difficult to describe. Half of my reason is gone. The other half must go on for my younger son 27 and those who love me. My son lives on in my broken heart and he will never leave me. Everything changes when you have a child in heaven. I struggle to go on. Thank you for the uplifting words of encouragement Maureen.
Dear Maureen,
Thank you for reaching out for me. My loving husband passed away due to cancer on May 5, 2012 and my beloved dog died on May 30, 2012. My heart was completely broken into pieces that will never be healed again. I feel physcially ill and metally foggy. thanks for caring.
I lost my sister tragically in a house fire 7 months ago…I can totally agree that not only does my heart ache continually but my whole body sometimes. Grief can hit ur physical being in a staggering way.
Eight months, October 10,2012, my world ended when my sweet husband died. I have three little children and don't know how to make it everyday. I feel like I have a massive flu, and am so exhausted. I've worked for 21 years as a nurse, and now I'm useless. I lost my job my home, receiving government assistance. I feel so guilty needing a nap everyday. your blog makes me hope maybe I'm not crazy, just grieving, but it feels like eternity is standing still.
It seems that the farther time goes by, the more i grieve and miss my boyfriend, Douglas. From the very beginning of our relationship, it was as if i were going to lose him in some way. I knew he had the heart issues and i felt as if he was slipping through my heart from the second we started our journey together,. Now i am left to finish this journey without him. He is always in my heart, but, i am so tired and weary. My breath is just gone to even talk about him or think about him. I feel so lost and so lonely…he passed April 13, 2012, and it feels like eternity has already gone by. We were on borrowed time, i realize this, because of his heart condition, but, i kept denying that he was quickly passing away right in front of my very eyes. What do i do now? How do i think of the next second?
Louann give yourself the grace of gentleness and time to heal your weariness and sadness in your body, heart and soul. It has been such a little time, no time at all barely. The assault on our being is so great we can hardly breathe at such times let alone work out what to do next. Be with how you feel and know there will be days when a little light will pierce the shadows ~ Maureen
Since the passing of my Family members i almost forgot what they looked like, until my Sister in law posted a picture of my father on Facebook. I so much wanted to pick up the phone and call him to wish him a Happy Father's Day. When his birthday comes around, I go to the cemetary, and place flowers on his grave, but it wears me out. i do it anyway, and miss him more each day. One night I felt like he was here with me. I felt like someone was rubbing my back. He use to do that when I was sick,
You mentioned weariness to the bone………………..that’s exactly how it feels for me most of the time. When I wake up in the morning, I feel already exhausted. There are days that I can do absolutely nothing and then wonder why I am so tired. Putting one foot in front of the other throughout some days, is a struggle. I am grateful for the days when it is lessened and makes getting through the day not such a chore. I pray for more of those days, and I am thankful that there are now more of them than when I started this journey. Not alot more, but never the less, more than in the beginning. I lost my Dad in 2009, my youngest brother in 2010, and my oldest brother in 2011. It’s been a very compounded grief for me to go through. For three years in a row, I have had to go through all of “the firsts” and each one has been harder than the last. I tell myself, “I’m still here!” They all 3 depended on me when they were her and now I depend on their guidance and pray they are watching over me. I love your messages, Maureen. They bring me peace. Thank you so much.
Hi Maureen,
Yes, I know how that feels. I was working full time last year when Mom was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. Through the tests, the radiation and chemo (simultaneously) she went. As well, we went through her having a feeding tube and multiple visiting nurses, most of them unhelpful. All three of us worried non-stop. With work and looking after her, I worked 12+ hours a day for many months. We didn’t sleep well either.
I finally resigned at work and looked after her. The plan was for her surgery to go well and for her to come home and I would look after her new way of eating. Didn’t work out that way. Radiation is a bad thing.
We finally sleep better (still not great), but are still so tired. I go to bed around 9pm and I’m still tired all the time. And after a night of not sleeping well, I’m totally exhausted! To add to it, I’m sure I’m stressed about my Dad having Prostate cancer too.
After taking about 8 months off, I got a new job and am liking it. They know what happened and that I’m grieving and are very understanding. I just started back to yoga once a week and I look after my horses (one was Mom’s – we rode together). It’s so hard to “move on” when you don’t want to.
Kelly
Maureen, thank you so much for your comforting words. This is exactly the way I have been feeling since my sweet loving husband passed away suddenly from a heart attack 10 weeks ago. I am so lost without him and some days don’t see how I can go on, yet I do because there is so much to do. Being all alone is the worst feeling in the world. I know he is in a better place and I anxiously await the day I can join him. I am so glad that I found you on Facebook. Thank you for all you and God bless you and everyone going through the grieving process.
Lovely to hear from you Sue, my heart goes out to you for all that you are going through right now ~ Blessings, Maureen
It’s been 3 years and 5 months since I lost my father and 2 years since my husband passed away. Both died from cancer. I’m still dealing with the feeling of exhaustion and wondering how I’m going to get through my days. I’ve been wondering what’s “wrong” with me, why I’m so tired and feel drained all of the time. I’ve never looked at it the way you’ve described it here. I’ve been thinking it was just me and now I realize we all go through this when we lose our loved ones and our time frames vary too. Thank you for all you do!
I lost my Loving Dad 13 years ago, I cannot get over it. I used to cry and worry as a child something would happen to my Dad, and I wouldn’t have him and now I am living that nightmare. I cry everyday. I pray. I cry. I miss him so much. There is nothing that can make a person “get over it” like some people will say, and I’m tired of hearing it ! I ask my Dad to visit, and he does. 3 times this week in my dreams. And then it makes me miss him even more, when I wake up because really he isn’t here. I know he is with me always, but I just want to talk to him, hug him ,…..
I sometimes catch sight of myself in a mirror and seem to have permanent dark circles under my eyes. i sleep but dont rest, my mind has settled more than when I lost my other half nearly 10 months ago but sometimes it feels like a tumble drier. It is the loss of the person to turn to and discuss things with – the onus is on you and you alone. It heartens me to know I am not the only one struggling. It does help so m uch.
Grief is exhausting–with my youngest brother dying and being the oldest girl and care-giver to my 81 yr mother (who has slight alzheimers) she wants to talk about my brother all the time and I sit there crying while she doesn’t. I envy her. The stress, headaches and exhaustion are unbearable. I am looking for a bereavement group to go to just so I can be around people who feel the same way I do. I can cry and talk about it and not be home alone crying or sitting in my car crying. As I drive along, sometimes an old song will come on the radio and I will cry so hard that I have to pull over because I think–when I last heard this song my brother Les was alive……
Feel for you Dale, the feelings of isolation in our grief combined with our exhaustion can be so overpowering at times. I hope you find a special place where you can be you and be supported. If you havent already do come over to my Facebook Page where so many are stepping through their grief together with love and understanding http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief ~ Maureen
been struggling with the loss of my dad for 5 years. I
am 43 years old married two children a supportive and loving husband and a wonderful and loving mother. I have been struggling with stress, anxiety,panic and depression ever since he died. God has helped me tremendously. If it werent for Him l wouldnt have come this far. the thing that is bothering me the most is that on top of all struggling with my grief l also have to put up with anxiety an a pathetic phobia l have developed of having anxiety and panic attacks in the car. I am finally on medication and am better but the car issue is still with me. The car has nothing to do with the grief. dad died from heart failure in my arms at hospital. can anyone relate? I have had therapy sessions and this and that. NOTHING is working. Someone please give me advice. Im all spent. Exhausted. Dont know what to do anymore.
So sorry to hear of your panic attacks Pascale, they can be so very debilitating. Although I dont suffer from them myself, the insight that came to me was this ~ does the car in some way signify you moving forward without your Dad, something that you are resisting??? Sometimes our subconscious mind does strange things. If this speaks to you in any way, know that you will never leave him behind, he is with you always in his love, in his essence and in his presence that is always near your heart ~ Maureen
Maureen, Everyday you always have something I desperately need to hear.
This has been a particularily hard week for me…10 months since my loving husband passed away…I have endured more STUG (sudden temporary urgent grief) moments that I thought would be fewer as it’s getting closer to his year anniversary. But today your pendant arrived and I immediately went to get a chain, and I’m feeling some peace this evening. Somewhat how I felt after having a session with the wonderful Medium that I saw in July. I know there will be comfort as I move along and try to adapt to this new normal. I am so blessed to have found you and your inspiring words are so healing.
Thank you Ginger, hope the pendant gives you much connection and comfort. Also know that often the lead up to anniversary days, birthdays etc have quite a long lag time as the day approaches and emotions will be strong again and even more so than the actual day itself ~ Maureen
Maureen,
I am tired. After five years of caring for my beloved he is not with me anymore. When he quietly slipped away from me only four short months ago I thought – finally, my love – no more suffering with that ugly disease – Alzheimers. Oh, do I want just a few more moments with him. I miss him so that I am in this very dark hole. The pain is deep. I am only now starting to feel with my heart. I thank you for your thoughts. They make me cry/bawl but I’m all right with that.
I lost my son when he was 15 days old 6 months ago.. A lot of the time I feel like I’m on my own and everything seems to stress me out which just makes me miss him more. I feel exhausted all the time and have yet to fall asleep before 2 in the morning and stay asleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I always seem to revisit that day when he passed away. The holidays become harder and harder as each one passes. It doesn’t help that soo many people from my home town are pregnant with anywhere from their 1st to 3rd kid and are my age. I know my husband is hurting but he is so hard to talk to about this. I understand and respect that he’d like to talk to one of the guys about it…. (sigh) Your articles are great inspiration and I enjoy reading them. Thank you
Cassie sending you heart hugs. Grief can be so very isolating and so so painful. You might find some Facebook resources for infant loss on my latest blog post. There is also one for grieving dads. Blessings to you ~ Maureen
There are no words to express the gratitude in receiving your messages on a daily basis! You are an instrument of God’s peace by the work you share, give, and the spritual wisdom you have experienced with your loss of your son to others. I truly know in my heart my loving God doesn’t blink in my life…but at this moment in my life I desperately cling to anything I can hold onto while I go thru this EMOTIONAL fallout! The loss of my mother’s presence in my life has created a spin-out in my life! I feel like a lost child who is seeking the security she had with her mother. My dear father’s sadness stabs at my heart constantly. I worry about everyone else in my family being the oldest by taking care of their needs. After reading this message…I need to nurture self but the exhaustion is unbelievably POWERFUL…babysteps…thank you from the bottom of my heart for being who you are, sharing what you experienced…Vickie…
My 21 year old son has been gone for almost three months. He did not leave, his was taken. I am very angry but I am not sure at whom? Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I don’t want it to come. I have other kids that I love with all my heart but I am afraid of taking a step forward for fear of possibly losing one if them. Is there a God ? I’m not as sure as I once was. I wish I believed with all my heart fully believing that I would meet him an hold my boy once again, but I’m not so sure. All I can do is weep nightly and hope that my wife or other kids don’t see or hear me. This grief is so lonely and so overwhelming.
It sure is Rod and whist there are others near to us, we alone must walk through the pain ourselves in our own way. Let yourself feel all that you feel, I truly believe it is in the feeling of all our hurts, all our pain that we can begin to process our grief and find our own ways to adjust to such a devastating loss. There are many emotions, many moments of questioning, anger and despair. Let it be and sit with you and cry all you need to cry for your beautiful boy ~ Maureen x
Dear Rod..Your loss is still so fresh and raw for you. You need to allow yourself to grieve this terrible loss and if you can share that grief those tears with you family.
My mom is gone two years and any holiday is still difficult. We have that empty place at our tables. You have a broken heart..part of you has gone with your son.
There are no right or wrongs in how we grief..Anger is part of it and it is ok to express it. God understands that.
You need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. I wish I could say something that would offer you comfort and help you deal with the pain.
aI found the first of everything I did something different than the traditional we as a family would have usually done. God Bless You and believe He is walking beside you.
I lost both of my parents this year, within three and a half months of each other. I don’t even know where to start to get my grief under control. I function and that is about it. My heart hurts so much, I cry as hard now as the day they passed away. I have watched so many of your videos, read your blogs and they help for the moment but soon it is as bad as it ever was. One thing from reading other comments, and your articles, I don’t feel so alone in how I feel. I see and hear that other people are going through what I am going through.
Julie..My deepest condolence to you for such a painful loss. You are not alone in your grief..though it is a journey that can make you feel alone in a room full of people.
My suggestion is to not try to control your grief right now..feel it..we all have to go through the fire..it takes a long time..hard to see others and the world go on while we feel only sadness and hurt emotional and physical.
I wish you some moments of peace and with time your own time of grief..some healing. there is no right or wrong with the grieving process. God Bless.
Julie, I lost my mother October 30 of 2011. she was 89. she had 881/2 years of pretty good health. she had bad knees – her worst complaint. the last 2 months of her life – i don’t know what happened she just seemed to wear out, she had been in and out of the hospital with copd but she always got thru it. he mind stayed as sharp as ever. everyone tried to prepare me to get prepared – i ignored them. anyway how do you prepare for an event that you don’t believe will happen. i always had said that i better go before her. the last hopspital stay when she was in icu her doctor brought me and dnr – something i never would sign before. he told me her body was worn out and she was fighting to live for ME. she came thru oaky and was put into a room – my 3 kids and her five great grandchildren came up to see her and we’d play games and stuff. and i said see shes okay. after the children all left and she and i were alone i told her that if she needed to go it was okay – that i would be oaky, i was lying of course. she turned to me with tears running down her face and she said ” are you sure” i said yes i’m sure, i will be okay. she died in my arms 4 days later. those first months are kinda a blur. i was so despondant and unhappy i made myseslf so sick – i was in and out of the hospital – i went deaf 2 times from the swelling i guess from all the crying. i told my oldest boy about 2 weeks after momma died that this isn’t going to work – he said what? i said i want to be with her and that is the only place i want to be. he knew what i meant and he knew i wasn’t afraid to do it. he said mother if you kill yourself you won’t go where grandma is and you won’t see her again. that worked for a couple of months but then i started doubting my own faith and belief in God and began again to think of taking my life. then i found maureen, she saved my life. i still hurt and i still cry and i miss her everyday but i’m okay. now instead of cursing God for taking her now i thank him for letting me have her for my 59 years. she was my very best friend. i had lost my dad at 12 yrs old and i guess i grieved for him but in such a different way – i acted out. when mother died my grieving was so bad and in my research i read that when you lose the second parent you can have a grief that makes you feel like an orphan and i guess that was the case. its not an easy road your on now and life will never be the same for you. i still have not really found out who i am now that i am just me. i have thought of ending it a little bit from time to time – in those bad moments where that hard heart pain gets me again………. but now i say to myself that i am not afraid to die- but i am afraid not to live. all my children live near me and i have 5 grandchildren with #6 on the way – and they all knew granny and love her and we always look at pictures of her so they won’t forget, and it is a blessing to me that she got to see and know her great grand-children. stay here with us – believe in maureen – she can get you thru it. don’t give up. embrace your grief.
This article really describes the way I feel 100% ! I keep telling people the worst of it is missing her. The other dominating worst, is the feeling that my body has been hit by a bus!!! I had no energy before the death, because of worrying over the impending death, & now, I have less than no energy! Thankfully, I have 2 young grand daughters to force me into mobility… a big house to care take, & 2 big dogs to keep up with. These are my joys, & they keep me going. My dad recently had to go into a nursing home, & visiting him is another necessity. I seem to face everything with dread, my personal choice; being a permanent fixture on the couch! But each day, I am amazed at how much better I feel when I am caring for my loved ones, & accomplishing my chores. The few days when I can spend the entire day on the couch, are by far my worst days. Those are the days that I wallow in self pity, grief, blame, & want to die myself. Usually those days are followed with migraines, intestinal upset, & worse muscle aches than ever. The best advise I came across, was to just put one foot in front of the other, & just do it! No matter how small the task, just make yourself do it. I am always surprised to realize that the first step is the hardest, & the rest is NEVER as bad as I think it will be. Your description of the physical weight of grief, is so accurate! Thank you again for this article, it is very helpful to me. With much appreciation of your efforts to help all of us, Rita.
My daughter, Erika Griffin, 25, left her body 6 months ago. 5 years ago, her father left his body, & that’s about the time Ericka’s opiate addiction became unmanageable. 4 years ago, my Mother, 8 years ago, my Grandmother, 9 years ago, my brother, & 13 years ago, my nephew, in our house fire, that my daughter accidentally caused. I noticed that in many family pictures, I’m the only one still here in the physical form. My motto is, “make the best of it, your circumstances”
Rita my heart goes out to you for all you are going through – for all the great losses that have happened in your life and for your spirit through it all to keep a shard of hope and a compassionate heart to do and be to others. Sending you heart hugs ~ Maureeen
Hi Maureen, We live not far apart i notice! Thank you for your dedication in helping others, it is truly a difficult path we all are experiencing. My lovely husband of 41 years took his own life a year ago and it still feels like it was yesterday, the grief i feel is excruiating and profound in the extreme and i am also worn out to the bone with this grieving process, i think once i ‘let it all go’ my life will become a little easier. i battle many health issues which i thought we would do together, alas he could not face that situation and he made his choice to find the peace he was looking for. My love for him was so deep as i had been with him since i was 17. I battle with the fact i could not ease his sorrow or ease his pain. Whilst he has found peace, i struggle with picking up the pieces of our shattered lives, i doubt i will ever recover from this life changing event, all i can do is nurture myself and somehow keep putting one foot in front of the other. This surely has to be one of the hardest lessons in life to have to deal with…..it’ s tough, but i have friends and family who are all fantastic, thank God for them all. keep up the good work
Lindsay
Maureen
Everything you mentioned is true. My dad left us August 15th last year and I cannot stop crying. The worst for me my family leaves in Greece and I live in Florida. I am wearing all black as this is the tradition for a year and believe me the way I feel now I can let the black go. This is how I feel inside. This type of pain I never felt in my life. Not even when my grandparents died. This is a different type of pain. It attacks your whole body and it feels like you are alone in this world. After all those months have passed I am still in a denial stage stack and cannot move. I believe it is not real and this is a dream even that I know because I went to his funeral and held his hands in mine that he is gone. I have seen many signs and felt him around me I know he visits me and I know I am not crazy for saying that. It is happening and I am not scared it is comforting.
Thank you so much for keeping in touch and for sharing. May God bless you and your family in many ways. You make such a difference in people’s lives. You have made a difference in mine
Melania
My Sister (Susan) died July 6th 1986. Yes, its been many years but she was my best friend. I think about her all the time. I suffer from PTSD, Major Depression, PD. My life seems to be going down hill fast. I have 2 grown kids in college ( in another state). I never sleep, I stay tired all the time. I ache in my bones. My Doc has me on 2 meds but they have stopped helping. My depression is getting worse. I just want all this PAIN to go away..I just needed to vent some today so thanks!
Hi Tom, oh dear, you poor thing…..i am sure your sister would be mortified at your prolonged and profound grief, i am sure it is not what she want, she would not want to see you so sad for such a long time…i too lost my sister in 1990 through a very rare cancer and more recently lost my husband 12 months ago to suicide. i knew i had two choices, i could sink or i could swim. i have chosen the latter. i notice you also have PD, it is not easy, but i found it easier to be happy than sad. just try to tell yourself that it is not what your sister would want, she would be so sad to be the cause of the state you are in…..i sympathise with your fatigue, insomnia is all part of grief and also PD, i also sleep very little but i try not to make a big deal about it rather i try to let it go and if i am awake, so be it. i think you need to find a counsellor, not just any counsellor but the right one for YOU so that you can turn your life around and i think you would be great in helping others in your position because you have been there.and you know the meaning of the word pain. i grieve everyday for my beloved husband of 42 years but i know he would want me to try and be happy and make something of my life and that is what i am trying to do. Never, never, ever give up. good luck Tom, you can do it, you have much to offer.
Vent all you want Tom, sometimes its all we can do and need to do. Blessings to you ~ Maureen
Yesterday 4/13/13 marked the one year of our baby boy being gone.. He passed away from CDH at 15 days old.. So it was an extremely hard day as it was.. The day before 4/12/13 we took our German Shepherd who was about 2 1/2 to the vet to get her spayed and she passed away 4/13/13 in the early hours of the morning due to internal bleeding…. Needless to say I was an absolute wreak the entire day. I still am today even though I’ve had to put a smile on my face and face life again.. I’m hoping that every year that it may get easier but I’m not getting my hopes up anytime soon.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, I too know the meaning of horrible loss. Everyone is different, but remember that grief has no time limit or expiration date. It’s the hardest thing in life to come to some sort of terms with. I had very recent losses in my life, but my dad passed away 11 yrs. ago and although I will always miss him, he isn’t constantly on my mind now. I will always love him and miss him, but I know I will see him again one day!
How very tragic and heartbreaking for you Cassie….never give up your hope that life will become easier with the loss always heavy some days and their love always in your heart ~ Maureen
I can’t believe how what I just read above describes me to a T. I lost my husband 11 months ago to lymphoma. I was his caretaker for the year and a half preceding his death. I also feel so alone, people who I thought would call me never have, and it hurts. I was actually doing better 6 months ago than I am now. I am backsliding. I have made a halfhearted attempt at getting a job, which I really need because I am going through my savings, but I am have been so physically exhausted this past month I can barely function. If I get one thing accomplished a day I am lucky. I am trying to read books like “Seven Choices” and I talk with a hospice counselor monthly. I know I need to start trying to form and accept my identity without my husband but it is just so hard and I cry all the time. My husband was my soul mate, he got me through the death of my mother (who was my best friend) years ago, and now he is gone. I feel like a boat being tossed about in a storm, just lost at sea. I am glad I found your website, I will read more of the postings (if I can stay awake). Thanks, Marla
marla, my mother( also my dearest friend) died on nov 30, 2011………………….i would not have survived without this site and maureen. i rarely have the intense feelings of longing — wanting her physical presence, though i have realized of late that i seem to be depressed, thru deep reflection i have discovered that i lost the person that i shared all my personal feelings, we talked about the news, the world.. my issues with my own grown children. i could tell her anything and we talked for hours, we shared the love of several tv shows and would call each other during the commercials. that is gone – i am alone……….. i no longer have someone to talk to – to release the feelings of anger, frustration, a problem at work or home. there is no one to talk to. it is weighing on me heavily. in conclusion – its not over and i guess it never will be over and somehow i will have to learn to live with this new realization. i always fear that it will get too much to bear, and i begin to think i can’t do it that i belong with her. i keep coming back here for strength to go on. i have 5 grandchildren ranging from 2 – 15 – i love them dearly but this hurt and pain can be so overwhelming sometimes i feel that my children are selfish to expect me to go on when i really don’t want to. so i just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving. its all i can do at present. cry plenty and be good to yourself – don’t listen to anyone who tries to interfere with YOUR GRIEF process………….. we have to take it as we can.
What was going to be a well-deserved, long-anticpated, lovely retirement and sharing happy times, abuptly turned out not to be. ……………………………………………………………………………………………….
Shortly after his retirement, my very dearly loved, normally healthy husband / soul mate unexpectedly passed away 9 months ago…from a brief illness ….from which he was supposed to recover. He was also my best friend, confidante, supporter, care-taker…and will always be the love of my life. I am completely alone now except for my loveable cats that keep me company and keep me going with their needs. Otherwise, I am SO exhausted that I don’t even have the energy to cry. I’m so emotionally drained, it seems like I don’t have any feelings………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
My exhaustion is weighted also by seeing all the household chores that are piling up and have to be done, but I can’t get to anything other than doing the very minimal necessities like paying bills and grocery shopping………
More than the backed-up chores, I Have to take on “man’s work,” which is made even harder by lack of know-how and deaingl with equipment breaking down. So I have to put energy in to learning how to do basic repairs and also search for professional repairmen……………………………………………………………………………
And all the above is compounded by dealing with my painful disabilities and financial situation…………………
When the over-whelming exhaustion from grief set in, I just gave in. I can’t fight it anymore. I’ve had enough. I am just letting it take its course….come what may.