Grieving is an ongoing process of adjusting and adapting to our loss. Over time our needs as those who grieve will change depending on where we are in our grieving and what’s happening in our hearts and in our life.
If we were to write down our needs, they might be different for each one of us, but there are some needs that I believe are common to many who grieve.
When our hearts are broken beyond belief:
We so desperately need someone to accept us for who we are as we grieve. To not judge us, not tell us what to do, not look at us funny because it’s been “too long” but to love us in all our brokenness. A safe place beckons us where we can vent, where we can cry, where we can talk about our anxieties, our fears, our triumphs, our bad days and our better days. We need to know we can be ourselves and there is someone who will listen with caring and compassion.
When our shoulders are deadened with the weight and burdens of our pain and anguish, oh how comforting it would be to be held and reassured that yes we are strong enough to do this. Yes we will get through, because it sure does feel at times as if we are far from strong. We can feel so very vulnerable.
Whilst there is no one who can understand absolutely what we are going through, we reach out in the hope that someone will understand, if not totally at least a little. Someone who will get it and have some idea of the depths of what we feel and the devastating impact it is having on our life.
To know we’re not crazy after all because we were beginning to think with some certainty that we probably were. To feel the relief of seeing, reading or hearing someone else express what we have been afraid to; almost makes us want to cry. We are “normal” after all.
An understanding deep in our hearts that our loved ones are safe, protected and ok. That they continue to know of us and to believe in us. That they know of our anguish, that they know we are trying so very hard to live without them. But more importantly that they know of our great love for them. A love that grows stronger each and every day.
The reassurance to know that we never have to let them go, that they will stay connected to us for the remainder of our lives. Even if we go on to form new relationships, move to different places and heal the most broken parts of ourselves to find a new and different life, a part of them will always be with us.
That somehow, somewhere and with some people they will never be forgotten. Their lives will have meant something and their light will shine forever in the words that are spoken, the memories that are shared and the lives that are touched.
Are these some of your needs?
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes, yes, yes, I have all of these feelings. I lost my husband of 40 years two months ago.
I miss him more and more with each passing day. I don’t ever want to forget him and I fear I will. I don’t think grief is something you go through, there is no starting and ending point. Life just is this now. I hope this sick feeling in my stomach will stop at some point.
It has been almost 14 months since my beloved daughter passed. Bikram Yoga has recently helped me to function. However, I was at my attorney’s office yesterday which triggered all sorts of anguish regarding my daughter’s passing. Sobbing and crying took over my life again. But, with the thought of my daughter cheering me on from the other side, I will go to yoga this morning and go shopping with my beloved daughter-in-law. Thank you so much, Maureen!!!
What advice can you give those of us who have friends/family who are also grieving, but -my impression only- tend to lean heavily on those of us whose primary loss (for lack of a better word) this is? For example, my son died a little over three months ago. I know others are grieving the loss of their grandchild, nephew, friend, etc. and for them, the loss of my son is their “primary loss” if that makes any sense, and I totally get that there isn’t any claim on who gets to grieve more, the parent or the grandparent, etc. – and I feel like some are leaning too heavily on me to prop them up – when sometimes I can barely prop myself up.
I can see that this is maybe the opportunity to support each other in our grief, but a couple people in particular seem determined to keep that grief open and raw when I would rather try to let it heal, which it does in its own time for everyone, I get that – but I finally reach a “happy place” for a moment or two, and then one of these people will say or do something and I can see that they are hurting too, but instead of reaching out I am instead compelled to withdraw because I don’t want to be part of their grief process – I’m dealing with my own.
And of course, then the other people are very offended –
Is this making any sense to anyone? It’s difficult to explain without ‘outing’ anyone –
Basically, I feel like everyone perceives me as being “strong” and thus able to take on their needs, and I feel like they want more from me emotionally than I’m able (or willing, at this point) to put forth – especially “right now” –
I’m ok with “owning” my son’s ashes in my house, and having his room left the way it always has been, and sharing him with the general public (because his illness and death were publicized in our community, in part to get the word out about pediatric cancers but also because so many people were so kind and generous with helping through charity groups, or starting charity groups in his name) – but how do I get people to understand that it isn’t personal that I can’t reach out and always be the Strong One for them, that I can’t be the receptacle for their feelings and emotions right now, and may not ever be able to take that on?
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Kathy its so hard to find our own ways to grieve. This is an article I wrote touching on this subject that you may be able to relate to a little http://esdeer.com/helping-others-barely-help-ourselves-grief/ ~ Maureen
Kathy I totally get what you’re saying about the part where you said: “I know others are grieving the loss of their grandchild, nephew, friend, etc…. and I totally get that there isn’t any claim on who gets to grieve more, the parent or the grandparent, etc.”. My husband committed suicide not very long ago after a long and miserable bout of alcoholism and depression. I did everything I could to help him, but you can’t help someone, if they don’t want to be helped. He was part of a very large family, and after his death, there were one or two in the beginning who attempted to reach out to me, but totally didn’t understand where I was at that time. They got angry and dropped me like a hot potato, and I was married to him for nearly 9 years and knew loved him for nearly 12. No one else in his family bothered to call, check on me or supported me in any way whatsoever. I felt as if they would be happier if I was dead, too. Whenever they heard what happened, some said, “he’s not here to defend himself”. It hurt me to the core, and I’ve died inside a little bit every day ever since, going through my grief without them. I’m now in therapy for ptsd and trying to get my life back on track, but it’s so difficult.
my husb passed away 2 years ago oct 22…..he was my best friend and i still miss him terribly esp at night…….when i see other older couples out and about, i wonder why this had to happen to me?
I lost my husband in June of this year. I’m still walking around in a fog.. lost and scared and hurting.
Lost mine July I still think its a dream It cant be real So sorry for your loss I understand
It’s been 6 years since my son took his own life because of drug addiction. Mist days I can deal with the pain in my heart and the whole in my soul. I just wish people in my life would understand that it (the pain of losing my child) will never go away or be less because time has passed. I need to hear his name, hear the stories and remember him. I need understanding from others that I am a mother who lost a child to horrible consequences and I will never ever be the same. Time does not heal all wounds and neither does ignoring the fact that I grieve the loss of my beautiful son who died from the disease of addiction. I’m so grateful to have found you and your wisdom Maureen on FB. It has helped. Thank you from my heart and soul.
It’s been almost 7 years sence my beloved daughter Felicia Nicole Martinez had passed. The pain I still feel at times takes my breath away. I sometimes feel I almost can not go on until I think of my two son’s, I still have here. I have so many questions that are unanswered that runs through my head at times I can not think of anything else. I thank our Father God that gives me the strength to carry on.
Thank you Maureen for helping me understand my feelings and it’s OK to grief as long as it takes. Linda
So appreciate you sharing your loved ones and sharing your heart. Your words are those that most who grieve can so relate to. Sending you my warmest of thoughts and sending loving support to all ~ Maureen
My mother passed away in March 2011. Three months later my father passed away. I am an only child. I don’t share anything with anyone. I keep it all inside. I didn’t realize other people had some of the same feelings I do until I serendipitously found your site. Thank you for the gift you share.
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I just wanted to thank you I lost my daughter on June 7,2011 and then lost the love of my life my husband on July 30,2011 you have really help me reading some of your stuff you write I just wanted to say thank you
You have just written what is in my heart. Thank you.