Losing a loved one brings with it so many challenges and feats of day to day survival but I think for most people who are grieving, this day tips the scales when it comes to facing one of grief’s biggest challenges.
The anniversary day of a loved one’s death brings you face to face with reality. Their physical presence has gone and it becomes a very painful reminder of your loss. It marks the moment when life as you knew it changed forever and for many approaching that fateful date it can be a near crippling and overwhelming experience.
For so many, this “approaching” can range from months to weeks prior to the actual day itself. It slowly builds up to a crescendo. The calendar is the first reminder of what awaits you. As the date comes closer, dread starts weighing down your heart with the awakening of each new dawn. Next to join in is the horrendous thundering of thoughts racing wildly through your mind. The forerunners being “I’m dreading it” and “How am I going to cope?” Naturally your anxiety levels are increasing like a thermometer on a hot summer day and you just wish you could go to sleep and wake up when it’s all over!
For so many of you it is an intensely painful experience. It was for me too but now the pain of my grief has shifted into something else. Yes there are still tears. Yes there is the missing and a longing to touch that which I cannot feel. But it is a day where now my sadness has become sacred.
If I had to describe a sacred anniversary day to you it would look like this:
~ A day dedicated completely to your loved one and reserved wholeheartedly for them.
~ A day devoted to remembrance and connection, founded on the unique bond and love you have and always will share.
~ A day where you give yourself immunity from the pressures of the everyday world.
~ A day belonging to comfort, gentleness and self-compassion.
~ A day where you recognise the power of you in having lived the previous year through your loss.
~ A day that honours what your loved one has brought to your life. Who you are and who you are yet to be as a result of your love and your experience.
There are many ways you can plan this day in a way that feels right for you. If you would like some help to get started please check out my simple guide “Remember with Love: Keep Them In Your Heart Always”. Not only do I give you 30 practical ideas for things to do on an anniversary day, but it also includes 21 tips to survive the holidays and much more. Click here for all the details >>>>>>
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Wonderful sharing of information here, Maureen. And, the title is most creative- just like Hester’s “A”, this event marks the “wearer” for life. Growing and changing and coping with that red letter date becomes the challenge of their lifetime.
Roy A. Ackerman, PhD, EA recently posted..We’re not from the government. We ARE here to help you!
Roy I had no idea what Hesters “A” was….your comment has prompted some sleuthing and now yes I understand “The Scarlet Letter”
Maureen Hunter recently posted..The Big ‘A’ Day
Hi Maureen, Ah yes that dreaded time of year is approaching once more, Christmas. My dear mum passed over Christmas day, this will be my 11th year without her physical presence. While my son was young I put up the tree and put on a happy face but now he is a young man I no longer have to pretend. Christmas is a shocking time of year,a time I really dread,and the lead up to it seems to get earlier and earlier each year. I’m sure the decorations are only off the store shelves for a couple of months(ok slight exaggeration). When I met my beautiful partner John, Christmas became bearable again(just). This will be my first Christmas without John and I really don’t know how I will get through it, can’t we just skip it or fast forward or something. I expect will escape to the garden and find sanctuary amongst the plants and birds, play with my babies(cats) and hope the day passes quickly.
Sharon I think the firsts of anything in that first year of grief are often the hardest. It is common to wish we could just skip through it all and be transported to the other side. You will get through it as you have so far with the love of John in your heart and your animals beside you.
Maureen Hunter recently posted..The Big ‘A’ Day
I had two children..I was so proud. Then my son died on my daughter’s birthday..he collapsed at a basket ball game on 22nd Nov and then died on the 24th Nov – his sister’s 8th birthday, at the same hospital where his sister was born. He was 17. Any tips for coping with first anniversary will be most appreciated.
Hi Regina
I am so sorry to hear about your son. It is heartbreaking to lose a loved one especially on a day intertwined with such happiness for you.
Although his physical presence is gone he is with you in your heart and soul forever. Here’s a couple of things you can do:
1. Get a copy of my free report http://www.esdeer.com/hope it gives you lots of tips about dealing with grief in general. You will also get my weekly newsletter.
2. Watch my video about dealing with anniversaries http://esdeer.com/3days/
3. If you want more information I give you 30 ideas for an anniversary day, in my e-book “50 Practical Ways to Establish Traditions & Memorials”, as well as 50 ways to remember them and tips for getting through Christmas. http://esdeer.com/products/traditions/
Regina my heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you find the information helpful to you
Blessings ~ Maureen
Maureen Hunter recently posted..The Big ‘A’ Day
Your site and work are to be commended.
Bonnie Dean recently posted..Then We Would Find Peace
Thank you Bonnie. Good to be connected with you on Twitter, so sorry that you too have lost a precious boy ~ Maureen
Maureen Hunter recently posted..The Big ‘A’ Day
thanks maureen for the support and suggestions on how to cope with the coming anniversary of my daughters death it is so interesting the thoughts that are running through my mind. since this is my first loss of a child i am not sure what to expect. my mind wonders onto thoughts and vivid memories of her as a child. never know what is going to come up and when i must say the thoughts just pop up out of no where whether i am working or not. thanks for the wonderful site.
first 'big A day' coming up for me.
my partner of 10 years passed away in my arms at home, 7 weeks before his 40th birthday.
31 march 2011, the day my clock stopped, my heart broke and i have lived in a haze since. not quite sure of where the time has gone, still feels like yesterday, but life goes on and i continue to drag my sleepless self out of bed each day and go through the motions, 1 day at a time.
I only came across your site recently and I regulary come to read your words, it's like you have gone into my head and have written exactly what i have felt at different times, so i thankyou very much for the words you share and the time you put in.
regards, Lara
Thank you Lara, the time does pass incremently in seconds and minutes and all we can do in the early days is go through the motions and hope it gets better, and it does. ~ Maureen
I have Brittany Day its the day she passed….I make a pot of spaghetti sauce and who comes comes. usually its a bunch of her friends and her twins friends and mine also. Its not sad just a day for everyone to get together and remember my babygirl.
Thats beautiful, thanks for sharing your lovely Brittany Day with us Meg ~ Maureen