I don’t know about you, but yes, I will admit, I have been guilty of putting the should word into my vocabulary on a number of occasions. I’ve given myself plenty of should lessons and should on others too, particularly family. Once upon a time.
The turn around, like anything of great significance in life, appeared out of the blue and with devastating force and potential for change. Faced with inconsolable loss, I started shoulding myself constantly. I should have done this……I should have done that…..If only I had done this…..I should have been there etc etc. I was shoulding myself left, right and centre. It felt relentless. Just getting through the days and surviving day to day was bad enough but I had to put up with the constant‘ shoulding’ that wouldn’t stop playing over and over in my head.
As if that wasn’t enough, others joined in the bombardment:
You should go for a walk that will make you feel better.
You should think about going back to work, you need to focus on something else.
You’re got too much time on your hands, you should get out more.
You should stop thinking about things so much, you’re just making it hard on yourself and everyone else.
You shouldn’t cry, it will only make you feel worse.
You should, you should, you should…………………………………
The shoulding made me feel so angry, but I didn’t have the energy to do anything much about it at the time. Most often it came from those people who had no understanding of what it was to suffer such loss or didn’t know how to help someone who was grieving.
Since then, I have become much more forgiving and supportive of myself. I am my own best friend now, which means -
I will not should on myself today and I wont let others should on me either*
(*Jean Corley coined this phrase in 1987)
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent advice. We would all benefit from not shoulding on others or ourselves. Thanks.
Good advice. Shoulding is evil!
Josie x
Its certainly not good Josie x
Absolutely Thom!
I’m with Josie–definitely an evil word. (Perhaps years of therapy will finally erase it from my vocabulary!)
And I didn’t realize until you mentioned it how often I hear it from people who think they know what I’m going through.
Thanks for this post.
Yes Jenny, its commonly heard…everwhere!
Coulda shoulda woulda…I just hate it when people try to lecture me anyway.
I just want to deal with things my way!
I’m with you Muriel!
I’ve been lucky. Only had the “should”s when an employee (and friend) attempted- and succeeded- suicide…
Not a fan of “should” either.
Oh Roy, I am so very sorry to hear that. So tragic that one feels so awful that suicide is the only option and so dreadful that those left behind have to deal with the feelings it engenders.
Hugs x
Hate should’s too…not hate them actually; but don’t prefer them too much, and for the same reasons.
Yes, I shy away from evil, hate…..but yes, they dont serve a worthy purpose for me either Hajra
You know what should is great for though? Procrastination.
A great article that really points out how ‘should’ isn’t a helpful mindset to have. We all have things we should do if we think about it long enough but what matters in the end is what we actually do.
That’s certainly looking at the word from a different perspective Bonnie, one of reframing it towards self motivation, rather than the judgement of self and from others. Thanks for your comments
You took the word out of my mouth Bonnie! When I was reading everyone’s comment I kept saying, should? that is a form of procrastination or an excuse.
If you ever DO use the word, then be prepared to follow through – otherwise, it ‘should’ be taken out of your vocabulary! sorry – had to do it lol
I should spend more time with family …. then DO it!
I should work on my business today …. then DO it!
I should meet a new customer or client today …. then DO it!
I think you get the point
If it’s used as a powerful tool for self motivation Lynn, then that puts a different slant on it altogether. Much better than being a word of judgement and blame.
I wish I had something pithy to add, Maureen, but instead I’ll just say …
I think everyone ‘should’ read this post more than once. And then they ‘should’ pass it all around the blogosphere and on social media!
Melanie
xoxo
Ha ha Melanie, its a joy to have you visit and add your commentary – always witty, wry and uplifting xx
Ah but where would we be without the moral imperative of should – we might actually be free, happy and able to control our internal thoughts. Lets take a vow to give up should for Lent (oops past) so maybe till Christmas or the end of 2011 and then we could take it up again in 2012 – yeah right (google Tui ads)
Thanks for a great reminder Maureen.
A lot better off Roberta! Ha ha…I’m all for having a should free remainder of the year
Very true as someone who has been around those who are grieving sometimes the best thing to do is to just “be”.
Absolutely Alyssa……
Excellent advice Maureen. I think people who ‘should’ other people show a lack of empathy. Most often than not, they don’t really know what to do or say (as you’ve written) and rely on formula advice, maybe something they’ve read or heard from others, instead of something they truly know to be true and tested.
I agree Joy, I think their concern is often valid, but comes from a lack of understanding. Unfortunately it can be quite unhelpful and hurtful oftentimes to those hearing it.
Hi Maureen -
The problem with the “should”s in life is that they are either in the past or the future…for if it were in the present tense there would be no need for the “should have” or “should do”. Right? Well the best place for me to live my life is right here in the present,,,this moment here with you on your wonderful site.
Charlie you know I’d never thought of it that way before. Brilliant perspective and thanks for your being here right now
Excellent advice Maureeen.
All too often should is coupled with have. I should have done this /that/ the other. No matter what we wish we cannot turn time back and to wasted time in regrets will only add to our dissatisfaction.
Also I feel that instead of I should do we “should” decide to use I will do…. but only if it is something we want to do.
As for other peoples’ you should do a,b,c, when they walk in our shoes for a while then maybe they might be entitled to tell us what they think we “should” do
Thats some great ways of looking at it Mary. You raise some really good points
1) We cant change what has happened
2) We can decide to do something if we choose
3) Only those who have walked the same path, truly understand
Thanks so much
Been there, done that. It’s a challenge not to have regrets, to wish for a do-over. There also came a time in my healing when I realized this was a waste of time and energy for me. As Charlie mentioned, we are not present if we’re hanging out with the shoulds. Great article to help us all stay present to the should gremlin.
Yes Tambre, I think many of us have been there with , as you say, the should gremlins. I really like Charlies perspective on the shoulds, it is a wonderful thing to remember that they belong in the past or the future, but not now – here where we are.
Great advice, Maureen. People need time to grieve without pressure to go out and "perform" in the world.
Absolutely, thanks Janette
Hi Maureen,
I know this is a serious topic but I also wanted to laugh when reading it because it sounds so familiar. I have for a while been becoming more aware of my shoulds and try to limit them from my vocabulary. Shoulding is a hard habit to break
You bring a great point that dropping the should allows you to be more gentle on yourself and others. What remind myself also is that "it's the past" and I can't change that but what can I learn from it that will help me along the journey to come.
Thanks for the reminder,
Diana
Thanks for that insight Diana. Your point about being in the past is something that a few people have identified and is such a good thing to keep in mind.
I am a recovering "should" addict
Great post. Too many "should have done" or "should do" in our lives. Glad you decided to attack that word, overused and misused, and often an excuse or explanation. Love the poignant way that you related it to grief, and turned the word from a negative into a positive.
Thanks Pennie….I do try to weave into my posts some inspiring, comforting or hopeful message. It is so easy to get bogged down in one's struggles but so often one little word or different perspective on things can change it around so much and turn a
into a 