Stuart’s Special Cake
Something we all have to face in our grief is the significant days that come around each and every year -namely the birthdays and the anniversaries. Days that are now changed, forever different and are now for us to navigate through as best we can. Some of them will trigger our grief; some of them will give us pause to remember them with a deep love in our hearts. We may even be able to celebrate the life they lived, who they were and the legacy they have imprinted in our hearts forever.
How we each spend such days is highly individual and each of us must come to them in our own way. We may be all but obliterated in the lead up and just relieved when the day is finally over. We may let the day unfold without structure or planning. Or we may decide on a get together of sorts or a planned remembrance for the day.
Last week it was my spirit son’s birthday. Had he lived this would have been his 24th birthday and at times such as these I think of him and his life more keenly. It made me wonder what he would be doing now. Where would he be living? How would his life have unfolded? The musings that can never be answered but can just be dreamt of and lingered over for a time.
On such days he is uppermost in my mind. I can’t divert my thoughts to very much else and I don’t really want to or have need to. It is his special day. The day he came into the world and stayed for just a short little while and in so doing brought so many blessings to my life. That’s what I like to remember on days such as these. Now I find I can more easily. Now I am able to focus more on his life, on his love and on our connection. It is easier, much easier than it was. Of course I miss him. Of course I would turn back the clock and change things in an instant if I could. Of course there is sadness intermingled with everything else. It’s been a gradual coming around of sorts to honouring him and remembering him. Now I find I am able to dwell on the wonder of him, his love, his life, our time together. It’s become much more than myself alone. It’s greater than my loss alone.
Here’s the special things I did on his day, for me and for him:
I wrote a note to him in my journal wishing him a Happy Birthday
I acknowledged the day and posted a message on Facebook for all to see and know of him and my love for him
I accepted with grace the loving kindness offered to me by so many on the day, including his beloved brother and sister
I cranked up The Blues Brothers soundtrack in the car and thought of the time we sang and danced under the stars camping at Ningaloo
I asked for a sign as I sat on the rocks looking out to the ocean….I waited and it came
I wrote his name in the middle of a blank piece of paper and in bubbles all around captured the forever memories stored in my heart
I spent time with my dog and cat both rescued and brought into my life through my son
I donated to the RSPCA in his name because his love of animals was so profound
I baked him a yummy chocolate cake, one of his favourites. Love oozed out of that cake.
You will find your own ways to navigate through such days and to remember them in ways that are meaningful for you. Ways that will keep them with you always, in the blessed sanctuary of your heart, in your love, in your memories and in your life.
I’ve just shared with you a few of mine but I have included many more remembrance ideas to help you in “Remembering with Love: Keep Them in Your Heart Always” >>>>>>
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you, Maureen for creating and maintaining your site “Stepping Through Grief”. It has helped me so much to know that there are others out there who understand my need to keep my daughter’s memory alive. I love the way you put it…that we can let go of the pain but never the love and memories.
One day (as usual) I was crying all the way to work (it was already 4 years after her passing) and on that day I heard a voice as though someone was in the car with me. I still don’t know if I heard it in my head or in my ears. He said “Be still and know that I God”. I immediately knew that was a Bible verse, but had no idea where it was found or at one point I had learned it. I suspect I was a child when I learned it. I knew that HE did not want me to fuss and carry on about Jennifer’s passing, but to understand that HE is in control and HE has a plan.
So, a few weeks later, I was crying on my way to work (again…LOL) and I realized that I needed help carrying this burden around. It was simply too heavy. I gave it to Jesus. I know that He will never say it was not enough or that it was too much. He knows just what it is!! He will cherish it for me and keep it safe until I am stronger and can carry it again. It made me able to cope better because when I start to cry and fuss in public…oh yes, there was stopping the tears…I would remember that Jesus was carrying that for me. I visit that place in privat, but I have learned to keep it at a distance. I cherish ever moment I had with my beautiful Jennifer.
I am so sorry you lost your son. Thank you again, Dawn
What a beautiful story Dawn. I love it when we get those special “messages” that are from some amazing place not of our own making. So pleased you have found your faith to hep you through and that you cherish the wonderful moments you had with your beloved Jennifer
Maureen, sometimes it does feel difficult to continue the ritual. so much of society thinks this can be gotten over. that is just not so. I will never get over this. i will never be the same. my family and everything we do is forever touched by this physical absence, we miss the sound of her laughter, her voice, the color of her beautiful skin in winter and summer. the way she just seemed to suck all the air out of the room when she came in. I get so angry, frustrated when I feel guilty about feeling my feelings and doing what I do to get by. This separation is so unbearable. thank you for being here, Maureen. I feel normal when I read your posts.
The separation can be Carol, it hurts so very much at times. Thank you for posting, it is such a comfort to feel we are normal indeed!
Maureen,
My spirit son as you call it turned 24 on October 29, 2011. I so desperately wanted his friends and family to remember him on that day, so I posted a life event on Facebook with his picture and felt so good when his friends responded. I had not seen any of them since Akshay’s funeral. Although, it hurts to see them move on in life, they are my link to my child, the Akshay that they knew.
I cried, as each one of them had written one common thing about Akshay and that was “he was a good friend and cared about others more than himself”
I made a donation to an Animal Shelter. Akshay cared about animals, a love we both shared.
Thank you so very much for this website. You have written the exact same emotions I feel.
Dear Maurine
I found your site for the first time today by asking google “how long does grief take?” From reading your posts and the many comments I guess I’m stuck with it forever but I guess time will do some healing.
I lost my partner to liver cancer a few months ago. It was very quick only 10 weeks from diagnosis to losing him and as you rightly say I just miss him so much.
Its actually me that is going to have the first birthday since he passed away, my 40th. They say life begins at 40. I never thought I’d be starting from scratch at 40. Losing Chris leaves me currently homeless and jobless wondering what my next move should be, I have friends and family around me but I feel I’m doing this alone. I’m silently dreading the impending day as I don’t feel like I have anything to celebrate. I Suppose many have felt like this before me and there will be many more to come commiserations to you all!