The one thing that happens nearly always in grief is the questioning that rages through our minds. There are so many that we ask ourselves and most of us will have one or two that seem to be relentless and on constant rewind. I know for myself it was why? why? why?
Why did this happen?
Why did they have to die now?
Why my loved one, why my family?
Why can’t they be here with me?
Why can’t I feel them with me?
Why has everyone moved on and I can’t?
Why so much suffering?
Why did I survive?
The whys strive to make sense of our great loss, of what has shattered our world into thousands of broken pieces. As such our loss can trigger an overall deeper questioning of our faith, our place in the world, and the meaning of life in general.
The whys are like a set of scales. They are balanced on one side by enormous rage and fury about the injustice of what has happened. On the other side is the complete despair and utter hopelessness of grief, our grief. A pain that is so deep it is akin to the deepest fathoms of the sea and even further.
Looking back on my journals from the past five years, my whys have raged furiously and quietly on my pages throughout, peppering the pages less and less as time has gone on.
As the daily endurance of our life persists we begin to ask more questions. We consider we might be crazy after all because we seem to be doing things that others find quite bizarre. We are also dealing with the realities of grief, the physical, emotional and spiritual fallout that grief triggers and the impact that is having on our life.
Am I going crazy?
Is this normal?
Why do I feel so numb and exhausted?
Why am I lashing out at everyone?
Where are they now?
What is the good that would ever come from this?
Where is God now?
Does the pain ever go away?
The pain is terrifyingly worse than we could ever have imagined and we somehow need hope that it will ease, that we will be able to breathe again.
We need someone to reassure us that we will get through this devastation, someone who can understand and can show us what we cannot see ourselves.
When is it going to get better?
How can I get through this?
How can I be happy when they are no longer here?
How can I live my life without them?
How can I laugh again when they never can?
When will I ever feel normal again? Will there ever be a normal?
Our questions help us to try and get a handle on our loss. They are our attempts at trying to make sense of something that is beyond sense and reasoning. In so doing we process and begin to move around our grief and flow through the maze of emotions that at times engulf us and are now a part of our life.
Some of the questions will be answered. They will become a lifeline to much needed hope in a horizon at times so so far away and out of reach, yet there nonetheless.
Some will never be answered and we will never know. They become the unknowing, that which is beyond this world and beyond us but we continue to ask as we step through our grief, minute by minute, day by day.
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Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.