The one thing that happens nearly always in grief is the questioning that rages through our minds. There are so many that we ask ourselves and most of us will have one or two that seem to be relentless and on constant rewind. I know for myself it was why? why? why? Why did this happen?
Why did they have to die now?
Why my loved one, why my family?
Why can’t they be here with me?
Why can’t I feel them with me?
Why has everyone moved on and I can’t?
Why so much suffering?
Why did I survive?
The whys strive to make sense of our great loss, of what has shattered our world into thousands of broken pieces. As such our loss can trigger an overall deeper questioning of our faith, our place in the world, and the meaning of life in general.
The whys are like a set of scales. They are balanced on one side by enormous rage and fury about the injustice of what has happened. On the other side is the complete despair and utter hopelessness of grief, our grief. A pain that is so deep it is akin to the deepest fathoms of the sea and even further.
Looking back on my journals from the past five years, my whys have raged furiously and quietly on my pages throughout, peppering the pages less and less as time has gone on.
As the daily endurance of our life persists we begin to ask more questions. We consider we might be crazy after all because we seem to be doing things that others find quite bizarre. We are also dealing with the realities of grief, the physical, emotional and spiritual fallout that grief triggers and the impact that is having on our life.
Am I going crazy?
Is this normal?
Why do I feel so numb and exhausted?
Why am I lashing out at everyone?
Where are they now?
What is the good that would ever come from this?
Where is God now?
Does the pain ever go away?
The pain is terrifyingly worse than we could ever have imagined and we somehow need hope that it will ease, that we will be able to breathe again.
We need someone to reassure us that we will get through this devastation, someone who can understand and can show us what we cannot see ourselves.
When is it going to get better?
How can I get through this?
How can I be happy when they are no longer here?
How can I live my life without them?
How can I laugh again when they never can?
When will I ever feel normal again? Will there ever be a normal?
Our questions help us to try and get a handle on our loss. They are our attempts at trying to make sense of something that is beyond sense and reasoning. In so doing we process and begin to move around our grief and flow through the maze of emotions that at times engulf us and are now a part of our life.
Some of the questions will be answered. They will become a lifeline to much needed hope in a horizon at times so so far away and out of reach, yet there nonetheless.
Some will never be answered and we will never know. They become the unknowing, that which is beyond this world and beyond us but we continue to ask as we step through our grief, minute by minute, day by day.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below…
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.
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Your words have been my thoughts over and over. It is somehow comforting to read them. I don't feel so alone in my world that is so overwhelmed with sadness. I miss my son so much. Thank you.
It is a comfort Barb to find someone who understands a little….
I ask myself these same questions every single day. Its been 3 years and even though I have talked to so many people who have lost their loved one, I just seem to get past the pain of loosing my "Forever Love". I can't seemed to get my sons to grasp what I am feeling. I know they hurt too but they seemed to be getting on with their lives. My husband and I did everything together for 35 years and now I am totaly lost; where do I go, how do I do it alone, what if there is no future. Yes so many WHYs, WHAT IFs, and HOWs. But I do pray to God (even after I have screamed at him)) that there will come a day I can go through without crying.
So much heart ache Sylvia – sending you a big hug Maureen x
I can relate to you and your words of wisdom. I lost my son 1-25-11, and it has been so hard. Thank you for being there for us all.
The question of why is always there. I lost my wife 2 monrhs after our 50th wedding
anniversary on 12/22/2011. She had a heart attack. I have had a hard time dealing with
this and have ask why a million times. Your articles help. Larry Ross
I lost my husband of 43 years on 1/10/12, after suffering with cancer. I went to a grief support group, however it was held at the Hospice House, and I had to walk past the room where he died, the last place I ever saw him, and I couldnt continue, I could barely walk. I find its getting harder everyday, I need all the support I can get, so thank you for you help and inspiration
You have described something that many, including myself have experienced Linda – being faced with the location that triggered so much pain and heartache. I hope we can support you here and through the SteppingthroughGrief facebook page. Hugs ~ Maureen
I lost my son, Best friend. Carlos on 9/21/2011. I MISS HIM SOOO MUCH !!! I ask every day WHY WHY WHY. He was only 20 years old.
Hi Maureen,
This is just one of the many articles, etc. that strengthen me each day. Since the loss of my young husband, I have not been able to write as I did before – so many things running through my brain that none of it made sense enough to write – but immersion in reading both mindless books and deeper things such as your site have provided a level of sustainable comfort I haven't found in anything other venue. I most appreciate your simple and smart acknowledgement of the deepest, most personal emotions of loss, without the typical platitudes and condescending tone. You are greatly helping me sort through and organize my own thoughts, and maybe I can journal again soon.
Thank you so much,
Claire
Thank you Claire, I am glad its been of help to you and I am sure when the time is right, you can find your way back to your journal. Though it neednt be and might not be as you wrote before ~ Maureen
I have been dealing with alot of grief for a long time. I lost my dad to cancer in 2010, (he had fought it for over 4 yrs). Then in August of 2011 i lost my mom too. I have been reading alot of books on grieving. Whether it is the stages of the grieving process, what is normal and such. It has helped some. I know that God has a purpose in my life and i know that i will see and feel the joy in both my parents being in Heaven. But not at this time. I felt it with my dad, after seeing him suffer for so long and him accepting Jesus as his Saviour. But with my mom it is different. I have read in the Bible that God gives us a time to grieve. But my parents died within 10 months of each other. And for so long i have been angry. Mainly at God. I question my faith all the time. I have stopped going to church all together. I feel i don't have a right to worship God in his house with feeling so angry. The anger has gotten alot better but i still feel it at times just waiting to creep up and lash out at anyone. My church family has been great and we talk often. But i feel like i am letting God down in a way with not going to church and talking with him as much as i used to. But that is all tide into the anger that i feel. Not sure what to do really. I have talked with God some about this but not like i should. I feel such a loss with my mom being gone. I feel so alone. We talked daily and 2-3 times a day sometimes. Some days are better then most. But i still can't look at her picture cause when i do i just break down into tears. I know alot of people tell me that it gets better with time, but for me the longer that she is gone the worse i feel. Please help. Michelle Applegate
Michelle I am so sorry for the deep anguish you feel in your heart. Grief is something that wont go away if we try to deny or avoid how we feel, it keeps coming regardless. Everything you have told me is a normal part of grieving the loss of those we love so dearly and there is much you can do to help get through this. I know you have my free booklet, the other thing you might find very helpful is the 30 day email series, it has helped many http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/ ~ Maureen
I asked all those same questions. Mostly, Why did he have to die? Through his illness, I prayed for God to heal my husband of the pain and suffering he had for so long. I realize now that GOD did answer my prayer. It just wasn't the way I wanted. My husband is well and whole again, he has no more pain, no suffering, because he is with his LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST! I know he is in heaven. That gives me some comfort knowing my BELOVED is happy and safe. Some day I will join him there. In GOD"S TIME.
I am going through everything you describe. No one seems to know how I am feeling.
I cry everyday. I would like to read the books of the afterlife. Will the hurt and injustice of what happened to him ever go away.
This hits the nail on the head, and because you've been through it, you truly understand. The loss of my Dad on 2/10/12 was so hard, he was my best friend, someone who I could always count on to cheer me up, who loved to joke, tease, and just enjoyed life. He fought so hard to stay with us on the final day but the HSE, Aspergillis, and Brain cancer wouldn't allow it, so he left us.
I know it's only been a little over a month, but I still wonder the "What if's", "Why's", all those questions, and wish so much this entire last year timeline which all these "bad things" occurred would just go away and we could have skipped them, and life would have continued as they had been.
I miss him everyday, every second of everyday, and it's so hard for us all, but I know all my questions will be answered when I see him again.
Thank you for all you do, all you write, you really help so many of us who are in pain, your son would be very proud of you…or I should say…Is.
Dearest maurren you sure make me a brand new person there was times when I was scare to even look on my self in the mirrow thak good you realy teach me how to smile again bless!!!
One thing I have learned is that time is NOT a healer and I really tire of hearing ppl say that to me. It will soon be 10 yrs that God took my beloved son from me and I will NEVER understand WHY or WHY it had to be in such a HORRIFYING way.
Each and every day I relive my son's passing, I am haunted by it 24/7. There is no escape from the horror and grief that consumes me. I continue to want to stay in bed as much as possible, house is a mess and I don't care. Most days I don't even get dressed.
WHAT did I do or my son to deserve this? The question will always be in my mind…WHY WHY WHY, God?
Dear Maureen— Again, your article expresses all the thoughts and feelings that I have. The 'whys' you've mentioned keep circuilating in my mind, and I've tried to rationalise some of them away. Most of the time it doesn't work for one's heart and mind don't seem to agree with each other and I believe grief is all about feelings and emotions. I rest in the hope that with time and grief work these 'whys' will not be in the forefront of my mind. Thanks again..
This article actually said everything I feel, think, go through day in day out. I don't know when a person is suppose to hit this part? I am at 15 months and this is it. WHY?
I lost my husband unexpectedly 2 years ago next week. We were married 21 years and my son was 10 at the time…I never seen it coming and i think thats the worst part, one day we were planning his birthday (he passed 4 days before his birthday) and planning our summer and the next night he was gone….I never witnessed someone die in front of me and that along with the pain of being without him consumes my mind each and every day. I try to get help and really started therapy a few weeks ago, i know although i will never forget, i know i cant stay in this place i call Limbo…My child needs me and i know i have to find a way tolive and stop being angry at the world…
Its been almost 4 years since we lost our daughter… and even though I am able to make it through the day…there are times when everything falls apart and I am right back to the moment when I was told of her death….it is a comfort to see that I am not alone in what I call my living hell….the why's will never be answered….it will never get better… you are just able to hide your grief until you can hide it no more. For my family it's our new normal.
My daughter passed away on June 4, 2011. She was only 43. Every day I go through the same questions as you listed. This is one of those life experiences that no one can truly understand unless they have lost someone they love. A child is not suppose to die before the parent. There are other issues that I am having to deal with as well that have to do with my grandchildren and their father. So many things have happened and Im trying to decide the direction I need to take.
Hi Maureen,
Indeed, with the loss of a loved one, the “why?” questions tend to dominate. I liked how you then explained other questions based on “how” and “when”, which help us to begin to look beyond the grief we are experiencing.
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My brother passed away very unexpectedly and was in his mid 30’s. He left behind young son finance. My mother and brother were very close. They have been ever since I could remember. We kind of had a rough childhood growing up but both grew up to be decent caring people. I had been living away from my family and recently moved back to the state they live in. I wasn’t around much for holidays or every day events. I had only been back home for a short time when my brother passed. I am trying so hard to be supportive of my mom. Every day is bad day and I know she is in so much pain. I feel guilty because she repeats herself over and over again and talks about nothing else but my late brother and I am about to blow a gasket . I know she lost her son and I know she is so much pain. I lost a brother, my sister in law lost her finance, a young son lost his daddy, friends and family lost an awesome person, we are all in pain. I want to listen to her and be there for her but no matter how much I wish or pray there is nothing I can do to take her pain away. I know she tries to pretend she is okay sometimes and quite frankly I look forward to those days. Saying this out loud makes me feel selfish and I just don’t care. I understand people need to grieve and people will be sad when someone close to them passes. I get emotionally out of the blue about it. The thing is she consumes herself with this. Every waking moment is about my brother. If another subject comes up she gets the deer in the headlights look and you know she isn’t listening to a word your saying. I am really afraid for her as she refuses to go see anyone for this. I don’t expect her not to be sad; I don’t expect her to look forward to family events or holidays. I know I will never have my same mom back and have to accept that. I am sad that we aren’t nearly as close as we use to be. I am just very concerned that she will never get recoup from this. I am at the point where I just want to run away. I don’t want to sit with her night after night watching her suffer. I know I sound selfish but I am at the point where I cringe knowing I have to be around her. Does anyone else feel this way? I love her so much. I want her to be better. I want her to enjoy her life, her grandchildren and the rest of her family but I don’t think she wants that. I don’t think she wants to be in constant pain but I really almost think it’s easier for her to mope around and be sad then to try and move on. I don’t want to be cold and I don’t want to be unsupportive. I just really can’t do this with her anymore. It is so hard to help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. This isn’t going away, this is how it’s going to be. We have to accept he isn’t physically here but will always be here with us. How do I be supportive and help her through this? We all hurt, we are all in pain. She isn’t the only one that lost him. I don’t want to dread being around her but I don’t want every conversation we have to be sad. I have tried talking to her about this but then she gets defensive because I don’t know what she is going through. I am not the only one that is concerned that she doesn’t seem able to move on. There a lot of people that are very worried about her. I know it’s not an option to stay away. I want to just look forward to seeing her again. I know there are going to be bad days but at some point there has to be good days too. Right? I am so lost and confused about how to handle this. I just want to go on vacation and not come back for a very long time. I know running away from problems isn’t the answer but it sure sounds like a great temporary fix. It’s been under 6 months so maybe there is a brighter future.
My aunt and grandma have decided to talk to mom on Saturday. We want her to know how much we love her. Wish us luck that she listens to us and doesn't get upset. Otherwise you may hear about a major storm in Ohio this weekend!
Dottie if you havent already, do please come over to my Facebook page where not only myself but many others can support you through this difficult time http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief ~ Maureen
I have had quite a few suicides in my family, the most devastating one being my dad on January 24th 2008. You are to be commended for wanting to reach out and help others!
I lost my husband of 44 years on April 5, 2012. He was 72 years old and the last 15 and a half months of his life were spent suffering and agonizing with infections, congestive heart failure, pneumonia, bowel obstructions, sepsis, collapsed lung, kidney failure – and other things. He was in and out of ICU during this time. When he was out of ICU he would be sent to a skilled nursing facility. Our aim (his as well as mine) was to get him well enough to come home. He was on and off a ventilator, had a stomach tube for feeding and even off the ventilator was always on oxygen. He was actually able to come home for 8 days in October. He was ecstatic to be home and was doing so well. I felt like his recovery was on the way. However, on the eighth day he developed a blockage in his bowel and was sent right back to ICU. A procedure was done to unblock the bowel, but because he was put under during the five hour procedure, he developed pneumonia. I constantly ask God why this had to be. Why did Ron have to suffer so much during the last months of his life? Why was this roller coaster ride always full of hopes and then dashed as Ron would get worse after each step forward. I understand that some why's will never be answered on this earth. The Lord has the answers and I know someday our eyes will be opened to see them. I have screamed at God to give me the answers, but it has to be in His time not mine.
Feel for you so very much Sandy for all of what you have gone through and are going through. ~ Maureen
Maureen, thank you for taking the time to help others in need! My husband lost his 29 year old brother in January to a very tragic accident on the roads,, my daughter was just 2 weeks old. It’s been the hardest & longest road I’ve travelled down in my life so far. I’ve felt lost not knowing what to tell my husband & his family. You have given me some very clear understanding of what they are going thru & what I should expect. We kept very busy today being mothers day. I have read all the comments above & found that we are not alone. I’m thinking of each & everyone of you. I have comfort in knowing you have these forums. It does help, ever so much.
I’ve realized the pain will never go away, it’s something we need to learn to accept, no matter how hard.
Happy mothers day to you! Xxx
Thank you Peita, I’m glad you found some guidance through this site and bless you for wanting to support your husband so much through this devastating time ~ Maureen
I hope time does lighten the emptiness and pain. I lost my husband of 31 years on October 11,2011. He has been I’ll for 18 years, but was never in pain (progressive frontal lobe dementia). He was my life. Each day it seems to get harder, sadder, more empty and lost. He was my world and now I don’t have any idea what to do with myself. Friends and family say “now you can take care of you” or “now you can do anything you want to do”. The problem is what I want to do has always included my husband and I don’t know what it means to “take care of myself”. I don’t have any idea how to move in any direction, forward, backward, sideways, without Amos. I hope someday I will want to begin to want to find out just how to move.
i feel for you, i get the dame coments & i want to scream at these people, that my life cannot go on. even though they mean well.
I’m so very sorry to hear of your beloved husband Laurie. When you are ready you will seek out what will help you to move. Whilst Amos may not be with you physically he will always be part of your life in your heart and in the other ways of keeping him close to you ~ Maureen
i ask when will this be over a million times a day. lost my husband 3/22/11. at times the grief seems to get worse, not better. i can't breathe without him i was with him 27 yrs. mostly i want to stop breathing so i can be with him. but then i ask my self, where is he. i have lost my faith, when i lost him. thank you, your site does help.
Thank you Maureen, Your articles help so much knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. My dear son Samuel died July 11, 2011 he was only 14 years old..the only explanation is his heart just stopped. We all miss him so much.
From one mother to another much love and hugs.
I ask myself these things constantly. I lost my husband 2 weeks ago. He was everything to me and it feels like my life ended when he died. I'm just going through the motions until God decides we can be together again. Friends and family try to help, but none of them have been through this so they don't really understand. We didn't have any kids, so I don't feel like there's anyone that I need to try to go on for. I miss him so much. I'm just so lost and confused and I don't know what to do.
Hi Maureen. I to have had many losses and get the same questions going through my mind. The roller coaster ride is overwhelming at times. I lost my wife of 36 years 26 days to cancer on Jan.23 2011, My father on May 14th 2008 to a heart attack, my Mother to a heart attack on August 9 1999, My Daughter to a crib death on July 1 1975 and the list goes on and on. Many relatives and friends and pets have fallen as well. I am living alone for the first time in my life and taking it one day at a time. I pray for help to overcome this grief, sadness, loneliness and depression but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Good luck to all of you going through all this grief and may the sun shine on us again one day. Take care, Howard
I have asked myself these questions over and over again for the past 1 yr and 5 months today. I lost my husband, my sole mate and everyone keeps telling me your young you have to go on with your life. Yes I know I do we have three boys, no not boys any more we have three men who have tried to help me but don't understand how I feel. I can understand how they feel because I have lost both of my parents. They try so hard to make me feel better. But there is still the question why. My husband choose to take his own life and I will never understand why. I guess I will get that answer when we see each other on the other side. That is what I whispered into his ear. So yes I go on with no answers.
Very interesting and insightful article. We knew Mom's illness was terminal yet I look back at the end of her life with more "what ifs" than I would have thought possible. What if I had… called the doctor sooner, questioned why she wasn't eating like she usually did, etc. It just goes on & on & on. Something else I've found amazing in this 3+ month journey I've been on (Mom died 02-03-12) I am very blessed to have lived my 53 years with so little grief in my life when so many people have gone through horrific suffering for many years. I draw on their strength.
We lost our little 20 month old granddaughter, Lily, on Feb. 16, 2012. She simply died in her sleep and the autopsy gave no answers why. The whole family has been devastated by this but our daughter in particular is suffering unbelievably. She has been lashing out at family members, even the ones who have helped her the most. I can deal with her sorrow, I am always there to listen, but I am having a difficult time trying to deal with the anger. She is not angry at God, she is very religious, but she can be very hurtful to family members. The sadness and grief is so painful and I worry so much about our daughter since she has at times been wishing she were dead herself.
Such a painful and difficult time for your family Mercia, anger is such a common emotion in grief. This article may provide some help to your daughter and if she is on Facebook I have a very active page of over 28,000 who can support her through her grief with understanding and compassion ~ Maureen
http://esdeer.com/anger/
http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief
Maureen,
I recently re-read my journals after my son Jered died in October 2008, almost 4 years ago. Repeatedly I asked God, why, why, why??? The pain coming from those journal pages was so anguished and strong. I still ask why and the next few months bring such important dates that I want Jered to be here to celebrate: my August birthday, Jered’s September birthday, his angel day in October and then those dreaded holidays. The loneliness I feel some day is overwhelming. I go for walk and yesterday I returned to writing in my journal which I haven’t for quite a few months. I’m so pleased I found you – your support really helps!!
Maureen, I love reading the messages you send. Thank you! I ask why everyday. Why my son walked into a hospital healthy and left 14 days later in a body bag? Why does the dr continue to practice in another state? Why did this cardiovascular surgeon say it was a textbook surgery? Why is he not labeled an unskilled surgeon? Why do the nurses that showed no compassion get to call themselves nurses? Why does the hospital keep its accredidation? It’s comforting to know other grieving parents ask why and what if? My life is devastated and it will be always, but I am so thankful for you and the words you write that seem to be just what I need for that day.
Becky Loflin
Marty’s Mama
On July 5,2012 my second oldest son Michael hung himself in the bedroom he shared with his wife. He was 38! They had argued and he made the decision to end his life. If only I had texted or called him that morning, I wouldn’t be feeling this emptiness in my heart. I am devastated and am trying to cope the best way I can. I keep thinking why and what if. I have a beautiful pendant with his fingerprint raised so I can feel it, and it also has his name and birth year and year of his death, but I want HIM here!
Linda, I am so so sorry to hear of the heartbreak of your beautiful son Michael. May his love always shine in your heart and his presence be with you in many ways beyond the physical alone. Blessings to you ~ Maureen