When we are grieving it can be so very hard sometimes to see anything but the pain we feel in our hearts. It can literally take us over and impact every little thing in our life. Our ache for our loved ones can be totally overwhelming not only for us but for everyone around us as well.
Sometimes in the overwhelm though there will come a pause. There will be a time when finally we can take a breath, we can sigh out our sorrow and begin to experience a flicker of light through the fog. At other moments we are totally at the mercy of our feelings and sit in a pain that is beyond help. It is beyond anything but the very intense missing that invades our hearts.
Grieving and learning how to live life after our very great loss is a monumental and an ongoing experience. For myself now coming up to my 6th year since my son’s death, I miss him every single moment of the day but alongside that I’ve found a peace in my heart and an acceptance of where he is and where I am. We are separate in some ways but can never be separate in others, in our hearts. The love I have for him will bind us always, as will the ways he is with me in everything I do.
Each day he is part of my life in some way and when I think of him I smile because I feel that love. I still have bad days. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed, but they have become very few. I cry but I cry differently now. No longer are the great hurting endless tears that tore me apart. Now my tears are soft tears that come gently for all sorts of reasons because my heart has an open frailty. I’ve been touched by life and touched by love.
I got to that place in many ways but one of the ways was by learning to adjust my sails. Grief can feel very much like the worst storm ever.
In the early days of grieving it’s as if we are in the very eye of this enormous storm. We are at its mercy. The swell pounds down on us nearly drowning us in the power of the waves. There is nothing we can do but cling on, battered, bruised and totally spent.
At other times we find ourselves becalmed, but the day is anything but calm. There is a fog that has cloaked us in darkness and a chill that freezes our very bones. We feel the very great ache and turmoil of ourselves.
As the days pass and the seasons change, the sun starts to crack through the clouds and brings a little warmth to ease the ache within us. The breeze is gentle and we raise the sails knowing that the tide is finally turning.
There will always be those days when we have to batten down the hatches as another storm approaches. But as they do and as we navigate through our grief, we are learning to read it, to know of it and to know of ourselves.
Today I want you to never give up your hope – for that sun and for the gentle breeze to come.
I'd love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Maureen
Thankyou for your writing it helps one deal with grief and to know what one can go through as well as other people.On the 22/4/2012 we lost a dear collegue to cancer.Marilyn Opperman was a Registered Nurse and had gone on and specialised as a paediatric Nurse.Her skills and knowledge in paediatrics was unsurpassed and I am grateful that I was a student nurse and rotated through her ward when I did my paediatric module.her love of children and her vast knowledge on abused children was incredible.Marilyn always had a smile and a kind word to say when you were at your lowest.In this last week as Night Supervisor in the hospital I have had to watch her die.I am glad her suffering has ended.(Forgive the way I put this!) but I am so saddened at her loss and the loss to the Profession.I thank God that I had the opportunity to know her and to learn from her.May she rest in peace. Regards Gavin
Maureen, Thanks for these very inspirational words today. Missing Marty today is overwhelming, reading your words is giving me strength to face another day. It came right on time. Thanks for the comfort and kindness you give.
Becky Loflin
Marty's Mama
Thank you for this, I love reading your insoirations.
As each day passes, one being different from the other of how I feel, from devastating grief to a small ray of hope, I cling to your words as I see them unfold before me. Comforting to know I am not alone.
Yesterday a commemorative tree was planted in our local park for my brother with a plaque. I could not think of a more fitting tribute to honor George. He loved nature and expressed that love through his paintings, of which I have proudly displayed in my home.
Although extremely painful to see his name on the plaque, my hopes are to find peace and joy by celebrating his life. I know this will take time and much work as I travel this path with your help. This will be a lifelong journey.
will i ever get over my dad being gone he passed away back in march and my sister ginger hawk on face book is blameing me for his death how do i get passed it it takes over my body iam never happy any more will my sister alaways blame me for our dad being gone his name was von carl will i alaways feel this away obut our dad not being here with us no more
Grief is a hard enough thing on its own Pam and the other stresses in our life can make it more so. Take each day as it comes always bringing your Dad’s love with you ~ Maureen
Dear Maureen, This is the second spring without my precious, darling son. The sunny days still hurt but rainy days bringt me comfort. Somehow, this time I managed to spend more time weeding and planting in his memorial garden, which gives me some peace and solace. This is a giant step for me since last spring I could hardly go out into the yard, never mind about planting anything. It has been particularly difficult emotionally at this time of year because my children's birthdays follow one another, with my son's birthday in May while his two sisters' in March and April. As you said, we just have to learn to keep adjusting our sails to get through the storm.
Thank you for the hope and encouragement that you gave through all your articles.
I am very much still in the eye of the storm . Every single thaught is husband Kevin. I just don’t know how to begin even thinking about going on with my life without him. I want to be where he is I want to be with him I can’t except the fact that he is never coming back.
My days of sunshine are few, but I try to find joy in every one of them. It's been six months since my husband went to be with the Lord. Sometimes it seems much longer….then other times it seems like yesterday. After he had the stroke last year,we thought he would be coming home with a wheelchair or walker. Our small house would not work in that situation. So, our son helped us plan a house that would work. But things didn't turn out the way we expected. The house was already started when he passed away. It is kind of bittersweet to think….he won't be here to enjoy it with me. Or will I even be able to enjoy it? I know he would want whats best for me. It will still be hard to move out of this house where we shared so much joy….and LOVE. But I will take 43 years of memories with me. That is something I will always have. Thank you, Maureen…..for sharing. You have helped me so much.
Thank you for the e-mail. It has been 10 weeks since my loving husband of 35 years passed. He fought long ( 7 yrs )and hard cancer we have come to call That Demon. I miss him everyday, I can not seem to know what to do with my time, I run a nail salon, when I do not have clients, I seem to just sit in his room, watch tv and surf the net. I feel like I an not doing anything constructive. I hate it, I go out into public and always run in to somebody who I have not seen since Steve passed or a person that does not know.. So I send my adult son into the stores so I can hide in the car. This is so not like me. I have just started group therapy and am looking forward to further getting into that. Thank you for listening…
Thank you Maureen for these words. This week has been a very emotional week as I finish packing and moving out of the home that I shared with Tom, my husband of 29 years. The pain is so strong and I feel that I am leaving him behind. Our daughters don't seem to understand the fact that I feel as though I am leaving him because they have both told me "Mom, you know that Daddy is not there". Well of course I know that he is not here but so much of our lives and memories were here, especially the last several years as his illness progressed and we were here together around the clock. I know that he would want what's best for me, I just wish he were here to help me figure out what that is. It has been almost 7 weeks since I lost him.
thank you so much for sharing your time and your heart Maureen ! I look at the photo of the wooden yacht, and am reminded of the summer my husband, son and I spent a weekend with friends down on Cape Cod, which in turn brought back many memories of the times I spent growing up at the beach with my mom. Warmness fills my heart, and I feel peace in the storm. Thank you again !
Dear Maureen, You have such a wonderful, comforting way of expressing yourself. I am in the middle of the eye of the storm and hope that soon, my family will pass through it strong enough to face what ever else life deals us. The loss of our son feels like the Worst thing that could ever happen and we have managed to survive that, so hopefully, knowing that , anything else will be minor in comparison , so we will be able to handle that with strength and courage.
Maureen,
This is such a hopeful message. Thank you for helping me learn how to "navigate" through life without my daughter. Your words have inspired me more often than I can tell you in these last 22 months. They always seem to say exactly how I feel! Thank you again!!!
Thank you for all your beautiful and heartfelt comments , for sharing your life and sharing your heart. Hugs ~ Maureen
Such beautiful thoughts and words. So helpful this morning. Thank you.
Maureen, I bless the day my friend sent me a link to you! You have been such a help..I know I am not alone, although my friends have been wonderful. My son passed over three weeks ago tomorrow and I am still numb and in shock. It was expected but still a shock when it happened. He had been fighting a brain tumour for 18 months and it was such a roller coaster ride all that time…he got married as well to who I thought was a lovely girl and to who I tried so hard to be a good mother-in-law. It was no use..I felt alienated from my son, and this was so hard after we had always had such a great close relationship. I realise now that my daughter-in-law was not mature enough to handle the problems and she did so by shutting everyone out who loved him, thinking that she was the only one who knew what he was going through. But my son and I did manage to have some quality time together and these are the days I treasure and hold in my memory. I've been so angry since and I can't get past it….his funeral should have been so beautiful but was spoiled by the other family taking over and organising it their way with no input asked from me, it was as if he had never had a family of his own before they met, and I was so hurt and upset that it was all I could do not to stand up and scream at them all!
I spend every day at home, looking at his photos and talking to him in my mind and aloud..friends call round and take me out for coffee and lunch but its as if I am existing in a vacuum..all I want to do is go home again where I feel close to him. I look at his Facebook page and read the online tributes…and nothing seems real! I want some of his ashes to put in a pendant for myself and my two daughters but I am too afraid to ring my daughter-in-law in case she has already scattered them.
I am organising a memorial plaque to be put up at the cemetary, this is the only thing that I am able to do without my daughter-in-law's permission..everything else I wanted to do re the funeral and afterwards was always referred back to her. I have had no control or input into anything that has happened to my son and I think that is the hardest thing to bear.
Thank you for listening Maureen, I'm really messed up and its good to be able to put it in words, knowing that you will understand. My friends try, and so does my family, but they are not in my place so its hard for them…..
It is seven months today that my husband, my best friend, my confidante,my world left this earth. I can’t seem to fight my way through this storm. Sleeping evades me, food I cannot swallow, I breathe but not deep enough to take the pressures away. Never has I been so lost. We spent 25 years together 24/7… I admit on being so lucky to have had that. Will there ever be a flicker of light, a time when I can smile a real smile, a point where I can move on? I want out of this home we shared those beautiful memories and where he died in my arms. The feelings, the real ness of his death shouts at me every second. I want to breath again……
There will Nancy, there will. Never give up your belief in that and know that he will be in your heart and in your life always as your life grows around the broken places ~ Maureen