I saw this picture recently on the Facebook page of Missing Loved Ones. It so very beautifully expresses who we are and always will be without the physical presence of our loved one.
We lose ourselves in our grief. We lose our identity and our way in the world. We are so ripped apart by our loss, we fumble and stumble with no direction and no idea of who we have become. Who are we now?
We are the ones left behind (oh how we so often desperately wish it could have been us or we went too).
We are the ones suffering so very much.
We are the ones that ache and hurt with the missing and the longing of our loves lost.
We are the ones that have to find our way through the grip of our grief back into life.
And we will. And we do.
And all the while we keep them alive, in our hearts and minds.
We love them more than we ever thought possible and we remember so very much what they meant to us and still do.
We are the rememberers.
We are the ones that will continue to speak their name.
We are the ones that will treasure the mementos and think of them so often through the moments of every day.
We are the ones that will continue to keep their memory alive in the hearts and minds of others, lest they ever be forgotten.
We are the ones that will forever know just how very much they mean to us.
We are the ones.
We will cherish them.
We will love them always.
We will keep them forever with us.
We will never forget.
We will live for them and do what they are not able to.
We will start rituals, build memorials and create lasting legacies for them through us.
For we are the rememberers and we will never forget what they brought to our lives.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
hi maureen i loved that saying we are left behind. That is so true i miss my partner so much. It will soon be a year since she has gone. Her birthday is on sept.29th, she would have been 54yrs..old. The hardest is yet to come. For she passed away on dec.29 2011 and she was buried on new years day 2012. I would give anything to see her one more time. But i know i can’t. But im looking forward to the day when the lord comes back and takes us all home and i will be with with her for ever.
They are beautiful words though I cant take credit for them, the image prompted me to write the article based on “how they spoke”. Thinking of you Patricia as you come up to some tough days ~ Maureen
I am the one remembering and with such deep pain. How can it hurt so much? It seems like the mind and heart will never come together again. It is painful to be the ‘rememberer’.
it has been 8 mos. since i lost my wife of 56yrs.i miss her so much life will never be the same without her i live by my self and as each day goes by i miss her more and more but i am waiting for the rapture when we meet again thanks for your articles they help
Hi Donald, I can understand what you are feeling. My wife passed away oct. 05, 2009. Next month it will be 3 years that I been by myself. My children live in other states and sometimes they do not call me for a week even though I leave a message. I am a veteran and I keep busy writing poems. If you google –IRWIN DRESNER-POET
you will see a number of my poems. My neibors do not even say hello. I cannot snap out of my depression or grief. How are you doing in general. I try to race walk and cook myself good meals. However the lonliness is killing me. Please write and let me know how you are doing. I was married for almost 50 years. Take care of yourself.
Irwin
Hi Irwin, I read your post and it really touched me. I just lost my mom a year ago and I too feel very lonely without her even though I’m married she was my bestfriend and the person I talked to everyday. I understand the sadness and I know how hard it is also for my Dad, they were married 40 years, and I call him everyday because I know the emptiness her passing has created for all of us. I would love to keep in contact with you, let me know how your feeling or if you would like to talk or write to one another. We can help one another. I look forward to hearing back from you and please take care of yourself.
Michelle
HI MICHELLE, Thanks for the nice reply. Today I went to a local mall food court and wrote a few more poems. I now have about 16 poems copyrighted. You can see a number of my poems if you google—IRWIN DRESNER–POET. I also invent things and have been in the newspapers a number of times. on my facebook page I have a number of them if you look at all my pictures. In 1996 I had my 266 page book of my life copyrighted but never had it published. Recently I received an E-MAIL from a writer in Hollywood that was interested in seeing a copy of my book. Its hard doing all the things that I want to do while the grief continues. I would love to keep in contact with you. My daughters live in Florida and I flew down there to visit them. I did go to Disney World. In 2 weeks it will be 3 years that I been by myself doing everything. I loved to cook and did most of the cooking during my married life. My weight and height hardly changed since I came out of the Army. I have an Amatuer Radio Station and I speak all around the world. However my grief continues in full force. I truly can understand how your dad feels. He is very lucky having a daughter that cares and calls often. Have a great week. Irwin
Hi there Irwin, hope you are doing well today. Wow it sounds like you do a lot of creative things, thats very good! It sounds like you have had a very interesting life. I am glad you got to visit your daughters, family is the most important thing as you well know. I just went on a trip with my Dad to San Diego for a week and enjoyed every minute we got to spend together. That is one of the biggest regrets I have with my Mom is that we didn’t get to travel enough together, we both loved it so much and I look back now and wonder why I didn’t plan more trips together. Ahhh regrets don’t we all have them? The worst part is there is nothing you can do now to change it except learn for the future and make things better in the present. If you would like to give me your email we can become pen pals and write back and forth. Hope your doing well today and enjoy all the beauty nature has to offer, that usually brightens up my day~! Michelle
Hi Maureen, Your words of wisdom and insight are so comforting. I look forward to reading your articles, as it makes me feel that I am not alone in my grief. You bring together this community of people that don’t know where to turn, or what to do, to get relief from this pain we all feel. As we share our thoughts and feelings it somehow helps lift the burden, if only for a moment. The words about being REMEMBERERS is so appropriate. Yes we will rememeber them and as long as we do …they live on !! Until we meet again my beautiful son.
Thank you for sharing that with us today. It puts it into perspective I will always be a rememberer!
Just came back from our local agricultural field day where there is a ‘quick shears competition’ that incorporates a perpetual trophy for my son. So pleased the winner is a local guy who knows Ashley and watched him grow up in our own shearing shed. Ashley is a farming son in a community that has lots of people to remember him, and yes, I so appreciate that. Having said that though, it is incredibly painful to watch other people’s lives going on as usual at functions like this, without the usual physical presence of our beautiful boy. For us, there is something majorly, terribly wrong with the whole picture. Remembering to me is such a contradiction – lovely to have but very painful at the same time. Thanks Maureen for your encouragement though. You remind us that remembering is something we do to honour them.
PS Hi Patricia, September 29th is also my son Ashley’s birthday. He turns 23.
HI MAUREEN, In about 15 days it will be 3 years since my wife passed away. For me this time has been the worse continues suffering of my life that I had ever suffered. I been by myself. My children live in other states and sometimes I could go a week with no call. I am an old veteran and I truly need someone in my life but have gone for almost 3 years without success. I truly do not know what to do. At the moment I am doing everything by myself. Thanks for your great website and helping people. I have placed one of my poems below. Since my wife passed away I have written 14 poems. If you google -IRWIN DRESNER-POET you will see some of my poems. Have a good week end. Irwin
TO MY LOVELY WIFE SELMA ON HER FIRST ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN
by IRWIN M. DRESNER 10/05/2010
(SYOSSET, NEW YORK
TO MY LOVELY WIFE SELMA ON HER FIRST ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN
WORDS CAN’T DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I MISS YOU SINCE YOU LEFT MY SIDE
YOU WERE MY LIFE’S COMPANION AND MY GUIDE
SELMA, SELMA MY LOVELY WIFE
YOU WERE TRULY THE JOY THAT WAS IN MY LIFE
I HAVE LOST MUCH OF MY ENERGY SINCE I LOST MY WIFE
YOU WERE TRULY THE ENGINE OF MY LIFE
I WOULD TRAVEL TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
BECAUSE TO ME, THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE WORTH
IN MY HEART FOREVER MORE
IT IS YOU THAT I WILL ALWAYS ADORE
I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU BACK IN MY ARMS ONCE MORE
SO THAT I CAN BE AGAIN WITH ONE THAT I ADORE
Beautiful words Irwin for your beautiful Selma
So many in heaven!! Heaviest on my heart my Granddaughter, Leah born an Angel 2 years go and Addy Mae, my 6 month old grandniece who left us in February. They will always be remembered through our large loving family!!
It has been 11 months since my husband died. Rememberer? Yes, that is exactly what we are. His pictures surround me…in every room…so I keep remembering his wonderful face,his smile, and all the memories of 43 years. Thank you, Maureen.
thank you Maureen for giving my feelings & emotions ” words “. I lost my son 8 mos. ago today and Sept. 28th will be his 28th birthday. I am having a hard time as the Birthday approaches and need to give myself permission to grieve. Only someone who has been through this knows.
thank you
Diane
Hi Diane, My heart goes out to you and your pain in losing your beautiful son. I also lost my son Ashley only 7 months ago, and his birthday is fast approaching, he would have been 24 y.o on the 30th Sept, I know it is effecting me just knowing his birthday is just around the corner, the first one we will have to get through without him. I want to do something to honour him, he loved pizza so my other son and daughter-in-law are declaring it a Pizza day every 30th Sept to honour their brother, a nice idea. Ash would be smiling down. I will honour him by going to the place he loved and where we scattered his ashes. I was thinking about lighting a wish lantern and sending it to heaven with our love would be a nice idea too. What ever way we get through it is okay, they know we love them and miss them and we just have to do all we can to stay connected and keep them in our hearts <3. Hugs to you…..may your spirit find a way to get through this difficult time. Janelle Teague (Melb Aust)
Feeling for you Diane as you come up to this day of remembering. Blessings of love and connection for you on the day ~ Maureen
This is so lovely Maureen. I’d like to share it with my colleagues at Cruse Bereavement Care if I may.
Thank you to everyone who has shared their feelings here. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m glad you like it Moira, thank you. By all means share, I would just ask that you add a link back to my website and credit me as the author.
As I walk through the house my husband and I called home,the
memories come rushing back.The first time we walked through that dooras new home owners, the fisrt cookout get together, the first
ggrandbaby born since moving in this house.Oh so so memories. Then there is the memory of that last morning we told each other goodbye I
love you see you tonight …that night never came for him.The
memory of coming back home from the hospital….that first night wwithout him.4 and a half years spent alone in a house full of memories of the past almost 5 years in the house we called home
I now call someplace else home ,but as I pack away memories these
are material things I have left of him.The true memories I carry with me forever in my heart until that day we will be together forever in
Heaven for eternity.
Thank You Maureen for your words of wisdom and insight that are comforting. It has been 17 months since the terrible accident of my husband of 40 years. The most painful journey anyone has to take and to be left behind remembering.
Everyone has now moved on with their lives but I just love reading your messages and find hope and inspiration in all of them.
Thank You so much!
Nancy
I lost my beautiful daughter of 23 years old on Aug 13, 2011 in the Indiana state fair stage collaspe. But even though its been a year it still hurts and feels like it happened yesterday. I miss her more than words can say mostly her radiant smile and goofiness. She had just graduated from Manchester College in May 2011 and was going to be a teacher. Even in these days in this economy she had several job offers but decided to take the one that paid the least bc she wanted to try and make a difference with high schools students and this world that we live in. I guess I just dont understand why her? There are so many people out there that just dont care anymore and I truly believe she could of helped some of these troubled teens. Isnt that what the world needs???? My brain knows she’s gone but my heart hasnt caught up and I pray it never does. I have 2 beautiful children still here and an amazing grandson, they are the only reason I keep getting up in the morning. But it is so true about not being the same person and I do not know how to move forward. I guess i am just stuck in time, I know my beautiful ALina would want me to go on and be happy but just dont know how to do that yet. MY heart is so heavy, I seem to just go thru the motions and pretend to the outside world that i am fine. My hope some day is to actually laugh and smile and truly mean it, not pretend.
Hi Maureen… Thank you for sharing this piece. No truer words have been spoken. I’m lost without my husband and having lost my best girlfriend of 50 years, 2 1/2 months after him, makes me feel even more alone. Her and I shared so much over the years, including widowhood. As if losing him wasn’t bad enough, she too was taken from my life. Overall, I’m doing better and I’ve been fortunate to meet some friends on STG, who have become “pen pals.” We’ve never met in person, as they live in different parts of the world but, it feels as though we’ve known each other a long time, because of what we share in common. Communication with them means so much to me. My hope is to meet them someday. Yes, hope; a word that escaped my reality for a long time and has slowly crept back into my life again. It’s a beginning. Reflecting on your comments today, made me think of my husband and days gone by. As I’ve shared before, he was a gambler and he especially loved playing the horses. Having always been a horse lover and one time horse owner, I too enjoyed watching the races and learned a lot from my Frank. The funny thing is, over the years, I had to “hold the reins” with Frank, where horse racing was concerned, as he was quite enthusiastic over the sport and easily lost sight of his betting limits. As his wife, partner and “track buddy,” it was my job to remind him. My job wasn’t easy at times but, necessary. Looking back, in all honesty, those racetrack days were some of the best times we had together. I never thought I’d say this but, I’d give anything to be with him and play the horses once again. Something that seemed so challenging at the time has morphed into a sweet, sentimental, precious memory. Thank you for helping me to realize it.
I appreciate all I recieve from you and it has helped me immensly. Thankyou. It is so true that you feel a love more possible than you could ever believe, so much, so deep. My beautiful Son left this world on the 21st February this year it still feels so raw, and still I expect to see him and hear his voice. My thoughts and life have changed in so many ways .
Lee Davidson recently posted..We Are The Ones Left Behind
Thank you Maureen. This this blog; it is so perfectly written. Your writing makes me feel much better and gives me a lot to think about.
My son would be 33 tomorrow, 9-22-79. He was killed in an auto accident 11-11-09. I put a remembrance in the local newspaper today for his birthday. It’s the only thing I can do to tell the world to remember him and keep his memory alive to those who knew him. I miss him so much and wish I was with him. Just a sad situation when you lose your child at any age.
Maureen what beautiful words today. The Re-Members..yes..it hurts so. I just want to scream and cry out for one more moment of my moms physical presence. It will be two years soon and my heart still is so broken.
The reality that I will never hug her again. Don’t know what to do with that.
And why is everyone so quiet about. she lived..she was real. People just move on and think you are over it..
Maureen, I just love your posts and to think about you writing this in your purple p.js, makes me smile. I love the colour ‘purple’ and pj’s days are wonderful. I had been doing it hard the past week, thinking of my son Ashley’s 24 birthday fast approaching, 30th Sept. Was talking to a special person yesterday and gave me some very good advice, “take him with you” where ever you go. Yes I can do that, he is in my heart always. It’s the separation and disconnection I think we find so difficult to deal with. You are always saying things to do to keep connected and honour them. I’m sure this is the only way to get by, never want to say good-bye, the thought that “we dont have to” is soooo comforting. Yes we still yearn for the hugs and to have them close, but let them be forever in our hearts and we live our lives in their honour. I might feel differently tomorrow, but today I love that thought and am going with it to uplift and sustain me. Hope it helps others on this journey. Hugs to all, and especially you Maureen there in your purple pjs, sure Stuart would be smiling at that thought!! Love Janelle
WE–the ones left behind is so true–losing someone you love, especially younger than you is so very hard. I feel like I am now living a different kind of life–a life always filled with longing and loss. It’s such a different life–than I once lived. I was always such a happy person–but my spark for life has left, in this mourning I am only living a partial life tryong to get through all this grief!!!! Dale
Hi I lost my beautiful daughter Jessica 6 months ago on March 12 2012, she was 24 years old and she suffered so much pain for so many years and yet never complained she was always positive and had a nice word for everyone, her body gave out and after 6 weeks in hospice care she was not eating and a lot medication People would come to the house to visit and she always had a very happy and positive outlook, one thing she would say to me is “mom I will never be far away from you, heaven is not too far’ Jessica last words to me was “Mom I will love you forever” and few days later I held her hands as she took her last breath and went to heaven. I miss her so much, I am writing a journal, I did a beautiful headstone I can go and seat there and feel her love, I wish so much that I could hold her, I have a hole in my heart it will be whole one day when I can hold her again, but for now I have to go on here without my daughter, she was my best friend and my hero too. I will love you forever Jessica
I don”t know what to say or write everyday I miss my Gary .He made my life have meaning.Now I have no life or a furture,No hope or dreams anymore.Why did god take him away? Everyone tells me that it was his time to go.I hate people telling me that.Know one understand what it feel like having your bestfreind die.The one you could talk to about everything.And I did.Some time I wander why I him still here.Linda
I feel your pain Linda, I lost my husband of 22yrs last December. I don’t know how I am going to be able to live like this for very long. It seems as though the ones who are left behind are punished somehow with this never ending pain and grief. I wonder too, why was I left here alone. I’m sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but I knnow there isn’t.
Hello Maureen
The words encapsulate what we are ALL feeling and going through. On the 18th January, I would have been without my PRECIOUS daughter for 3 years. When she left at the age of 25, I thought that I would not be able to LIVE without her. WHY I asked when it happened, WHY not me I asked, and when I heard a gentle voice say ” I need her more than you do”…. ! I had to LET HER GO.
In her memory, I carry on…I think about her every MOMENT of every day, I talk about her often and talk to her too…. It is not easy, but the journey (although challenging) without this kind, gentle child of mine has been carthartic. It has helped me view my life as a gift and to honor her memory by LIVING – for her sister, grandparents, aunt and cousin…So, 2.5 years down the road, I draw strength from the fact that one-day I will see her, I know that when we meet again, it will be as if she never left. We will have SO MUCH to talk and laugh about.
I remain brave for her – she would want me to.
My memories of her are poignant and she will ALWAYS be loved and I am truly grateful, she chose me to be her MUM.
Thank you Maureen, for the inspiration you bring to us all.. and for the strength and courage of all those who have lost loved ones.
To Janelle, I pray that GOD gives you the strength to get through the 30th. Know that you are in my prayers…
Maureen, thank you so much for your words and advice. My husband passed away nine months ago. Monday would have been our 29th wedding anniversary. I miss him so. Our son gives me the strength to go on. We speak of him all the time, if we talk about him and remember him then he is never really gone. Sometimes I feel my grief is drowning me but I know that it will pass. It is a help to know that others understand this horrible pain we must endure.
Maureen, your columns are so helpful. Yesterday, a year ago, my husband was in an accident. When we left home that day I had no idea he would never return home again. He was in the hospital for a month before passing. He was my best friend, my confidence; he was my everything. We don’t have children. We had 3 dogs when he died. They were our kids. The oldest dog, my baby, I had to put down a month after he died. The pain, loneliness and emptiness I carry is almost impossible at times. We had just moved to a new town so I don’t know anyone there and I have no friends living close by. I am so lonely without him. I am very shy about meeting people for the first time so I have not found a church or club yet because I don’t want to go alone. I have some family close by but they are all very busy and don’t really have time for me. When my husband was alive we did everything together. Now without him I’m just lost. Yes, I am a rememberer but I wish it were he instead of me.
We can feel truly amputated when we lose a loved one Brenda, feeling for all you are going through right now. Are you on Facebook, we have a lovely community there with many who have lost loved ones such as yourself. http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief It may give you support and connection till you can find your way in your new place ~ Maureen
Hi Brenda, I am so sorry about your husband. My wife died almost 3 years ago. I have lived here since we got married but since my wifes passing my neibors do not even say hello. Everyone told me to get a dog. My children live far away and sometimes do not call for many days even when I leave a message. yes the pain of loneliness is killing me. I have not found any groups to go to. I am a veteran and I do go to meetings but when I return home I am back in a bad state of mind. I can truly understand how it is effecting you and me. I became a poet since my wife died and if you google my name and add poet after the name you will see some. I hope that you are eating well and doing some exercise. Feel free to write to me anytime. Please take care of yourself. Irwin
Yes we are the “rememberer’s. I miss my son so bad. Last night was a tough one again. I got through it but it was so darn hard. I still don’t want to believe he’s gone. None of us want to believe our children out gone before we are. Yes Maureen, your messages are so helpful in so many ways. You have helped me through this awful loss more than you know. I will NEVER get used to it but I’ll adjust one day. Thank you for being you and caring so much about so many others that have gone through the loss of a child. Hugs and lots of love.
Yes I think all parents with is was us instead of our kids that leave us first. It’s just not suppose to happen that way.
Hi Brenda, I truly feel bad in what you are going thru. I lost my wife almost 3 years ago. I been by myself for almost 3 years as my children live far away. I also find that my neibors do not even say hello. Like you my wife and I did everything together. I am a veteran and combat was not as bad as this. I do not have pets but I believe that would have helped me. I became a poet and writen about 15 poems to try to get out of this severe grief and depression. If you google IRWIN DRESNER -POET you will see a number of my poems. The loneliness is killing me. My children hardly call and the nights are terrible. I pray that you feel better soon. Write anytime.
Irwin
Thank you for sharing how you feel and for all your comments, you mean so very much to me. For all of you I send my love and in particular to so many of you with birthdays and difficult days looming. Let who they were guide you and keep you strong through these and many more days. Know that you will get through this, with their love always in your heart ~ Maureen
Dearest mourine. Thank y for this beautiful saying. I am trying verry hard to cope. With the loss of my 2son. This impossible for. Me to be the same I really. Feel sometimes I can’t go on with this misery my world is shatterde. When I think of this loss every bone in my body ake.
Maureen, I’am so thankful God allow us to cross path. You are a blessing to me with those awesmoe share on FB. My mother went home to be with the lord, last year & Jan. 2012 my hubsand was disnose with cancer. Gods grace & mercy will see us thur, keepem coming…with love Toni!!!!
Absolutely beautiful. I speak of you often, to my friends, family, and co-workers. Since I have been getting your emails, you have helped me out tremendously stepping thru my grief. I lost both parents in 2010. Mom died July 3,2010 of unknown causes. She was in the hospital from Fathers day until July 3 with breathing problems. She also had a history of heart problems, but that is not what happened to her then. The doctors didn’t know what happened. But on Fathers day she had to make this day wonderful for my Dad. He had prostate cancer and after a few years of having this his health started to decline. So this day was very important to her. She went all out on dinner. It was absolutely beautiful. But later that night she had problems breathing. She called the squad, and by the time (within 10 minutes or so) they got to the hospital, she coded in the emergency squad. The ER doctors revived her that night, she was unstable for a couple days but came thru. I believe God let us have her back for a couple more weeks. But see Dad was pretty much bedridden by now, so my brother and I didn’t tell him how bad she was. And when Mom came to, she made us promise not to tell him. She was supposed to come home after the holiday weekend, July 4. So on July 3rd, we had to come home and tell my Dad the terrible news. They had been happily married for 51 years. Dad grieved everyday, crying all the time. Then 3 months later Oct 21,2010 Dad took his last breath, with my brother and me by his side, each of us holding him.
My brother and I was raised by Christian parents. The best way I can explain it is “our family was just like the Waltons”‘ the tv show. From values all the way to the way they believed and worshiped God. My brother and I ( I’m now 50 and Sam will be 52 in October) never in our lives had to worry about food, shelter, or clothing. Our parents never argued or ever had mean or cross word towards each other. In 2010 our world came to a screeching halt. It was like jumping off the world’s tallest building with nothing to grab onto. I was taking so much medicine for depression, anxiety, sleep, muscle spasms, that I OD two days after Christmas. I have two grandsons. Chase was 8 and AJ was 3. Chase lives with me. Now that little boy just lost both great grandparents, and then he seen me almost die.
That’s when I found you. I know it sounds terrible, but if you had not lost your son, my grandsons wouldn’t have me know. I have learned so much from you and your loss, that I can now try and help others who are grieving. I believe that we go thru tragedy so we can help others. It’s taken me two years to get to this point, but Thanks to you I am here. When I read your mail, I cry, I’m happy and you know exactly what I’m feeling. I was in the darkest place I’d ever been.
I can’t ever repay you for all you have done for me. But I want you to know now I have made peace with it. I still grieve for them everyday. But through you, you have showed me how to smile again and remember the good times my family shared together. How to set aside time each day for them. Now I am trying to help my husband. His younger brother commuted suicide 4 years ago. He was in a dark place and we didn’t know.
So again Thank you for sharing your life with me. I can’t remember how I even found you. Besides God put you in my life for a reason. And I Thank God for you.
Sincerely, Tammy Lynn Kimberling Baker
And may God bless you but good.