When we are dealing with the loss of a loved one, those four short words can cripple our heart and pierce our soul, leaving us feeling misunderstood, abandoned and hurt, very hurt. Here we are doing the very best we can, grieving and hurting and actually thinking we’re doing quite well, considering. Considering our hearts have been wrenched out of our bodies. Our life as we knew it has been decimated and then someone says, “Isn’t it time you moved on?” or “I don’t want to hear about it anymore” or “JUST GET OVER IT” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We retreat in shock and can’t quite believe what’s happening. It’s almost as if we’re being told to not speak, not show, not be our true self, our hurting self, our human self and our loving self. “Where’s the old you? Be something else because I don’t like what you are now.” That’s essentially how it can make us feel.
In my grief I’ve had friends and family totally disappear from my life. Some went for ever. Some until I was back to, what they called my “normal” self. It was more about them than it was about me. Even more surprising were the people who did appear and came into my life, often unexpectedly and supported me totally. They were the ones who accepted the hurting parts as much as the other parts of me. They may not have understood but they tried and I love them for that.
Whilst we may have the support and understanding of many there will still be those family and close friends who just don’t get what we are going through. Who don’t want to hear and who make us feel we have to be something we’re not. When we are trying so hard to deal with grief in whichever way we can, they are just not able to be there for us. They cannot accept and support us, much as we wish they could. This could be for many reasons.
They have no experience of grief personally and have no idea what to do. They think they are helping when in actual fact they are doing just the opposite.
Emotions, especially the sort we are experiencing are way off limits. Avoid, avoid, avoid! Ours, theirs, any ones. They just don’t go there.
They don’t like change; they want us as we once were. So they tell us what to do and how to be to try and get us back to how we once were. They don’t realise that’s no longer possible.
Our expectations of family and friends can be surprisingly challenged in our grief and cause a huge internal conflict that we have trouble reconciling. The dilemma for so many of us when faced with such a situation is what to do now. How can we be someone we’re not? We’ve got this mishmash of emotions churning whenever we think about it and our internal chatter is giving us options, none of which seems ideal.
“I’m different now. I can’t be that person anymore. I’m dealing with this as best I can. If that’s different or longer than other people think it should be then that’s just how it is. I can’t be something I’m not just to please them or protect them in some way. I need to find my own way through this and if they can’t be there for me then I accept that but I don’t want them in my life anymore and they probably don’t want to be in mine either.”
“I love her but she just doesn’t understand. I just don’t need this right now. I want her love and support not all the stuff she comes out with every time I see her. It’s just making it worse. I’ll talk to her and see if we can work something out, tell her what I really need. I’m not looking forward to it; I just wish she’d understand. I shouldn’t even have to do this.”
“When I’m there I have to put on my happy face, my everything’s ok face because I know they can’t deal with it and they don’t want to. It annoys me but I love them, so it’s just easier this way. They feel comfortable and I don’t feel they’re judging me and being unsupportive all the time. I’m just glad I do have people I can be honest and real with.”
Grief impacts our life in every way and that includes our relationships with others. There are no easy answers in all of this because I, you and them are all so very different with its own set of dynamic circumstances.
In each of your relationships consider the importance of that particular person for you now and in the future. If that person and having an ongoing relationship with them isn’t important anymore, for whatever reason, then cut the rope and let the drifting begin – the speed is up to you.
If that person does matter to you but they aren’t able to be there for you, accept them where they are at. You want to keep them in your life, so how can you be you and they be they and have it all work out. In deciding that you may come to an understanding with them about what topics are off limits, the time you spend together and how you pass that time. You can relieve yourself of the burden of expectation you used to have.
Seek what you need elsewhere. Find the people you can be truly yourself with. They may be in your life already or yet to come. Those people who will understand and support you, who will be there for you in your darkest and rawest moments when you truly are stripped bare. Spend most of your time with them.
Remember we all have choices and even in difficult relationships we have a choice to let go, change what isn’t working and find what does and can.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post- and great advice for “them do-gooders” who have not a clue…
Roy A. Ackerman, PhD, EA recently posted..Was it Tidal or Tsunami?
I think they often have good intentions, just the intentions go awry!!
Thank you so much for sending me this email and letting it be the first thing I see when I open my computer this morning. This article explains what I have been saying over and over trying so hard for my feelings to be understood. It’s very difficult to have to go through something so heart wrenching and life changing without having to alter yourself and push aside your feelings so others can be more comfortable with you. I have recently needed to take the path of keeping others at arms length so that I can hear my thoughts and listen to myself to do what I need to do for me. There is a difference between isolation and distancing yourself and this article validated that for me. Thank you.
Leslie, I am so so sorry for your hurt but so very pleased to hear that my message was so affirming for you. Putting yourself first is a crucial step in healing and adapting to your loss and you have stepped onto that path in the way that feels right for you.
Heart hugs ~ Maureen
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Just Get Over It!
Thanks so much for writing this article – it’s “right on” with how I have struggled through my own grief journey, painfully finding friends that are anything but supportive, and being forced to consider whether or not to maintain the relationships, while struggling with how to be true to myself in the process. Your words are well put and helpful. I have a family of sisters for whom I offer bereavement support, after the loss of their Mom. This issue of people not understanding is a big topic whenever we meet. I will pass on your article to them. Also, as I prepare and gather info to present pre-holiday workshops for those who are grieving, I am wondering if you would consider writing something on this same topic, but specific to the holidays? I am looking for something that talks about – “How can they still celebrate? Don’t they know how much I’m hurting?” or “How can they expect me to host Thanksgiving with the family just like we’ve always done when I’m hurting so badly?” You put things so well, I would be delighted to add an article from you in with my other materials.
Hi Nancy
It is a topic that really touches into what we have all felt during our own grief and hear so much from others.
I would be happy to write something for you Nancy, depending on your deadline I have some commitments next month.
Can you email me direct and we can work something out. Do you have a website to post information or is your work one on one.
Look forward to hearing back from you
Cheers
Maureen
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Just Get Over It!
Maureen, you give the opportunity to analyze and help ourselves without making it judgemental or “preachy.” I would like to add another reason that I feel many cannot close the gap with someone who is grieving: fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of a sudden release of emotion to you, fear of finding out more than you want to know, etc. But the biggest fear, I think, is the fear of death itself, the unknown, the loss involved, the possibility of one’s own nearing mortality looming. It’s a selfish thing I suppose. Some folks can look past all that and reach out to you despite it, while others would rather look the other way to avoid the chance of experiencing those fears…they are basically holding themselves apart, so they end up losing an opportunity to be a basic part of humanity perhaps. My two cents.
Thanks Susan, always good to hear from you and get another perspective ~ Maureen
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Just Get Over It!
Hi Maureen, Sometimes it takes something of this nature (death and grief) to find out who your friends really are. A couple of months after my wonderful partner passed over I texted a girlfriend I have known for many years saying “could we catch up for coffee, I could really use a good friend”.(she knew John was termanil ). To my amazement she replied she was very busy but hoped I was “doin ok”. I was in shock all over again, how could she be so cruel ? I don’t often reach out and ask for anything, I was sorry I asked . At least I know now what sort of a person she really is. Needless to say I haven’t heard from her and that suits me fine
It is such an unexpected shock really when that happens isn’t it Sharon. Cutting the rope can often be an easy decision to make. I’ve come to undertstand now that so often the people we expect to be there often arent and the ones we dont expect at all are the ones who seem to be able to step in and hold our hand in comfort.
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Just Get Over It!
Hi Maureen, This such an important message you are telling here today. I think the most important part is to know that it really isn't about you, but about them. It's really a hard place to be going through something so difficult and look for support only to then have to also deal with all the emotional baggage that comes from finding out some people are not there for you. Realizing that these people really can't be there helps to deal with the pain
Keep well.
Thanks Bonnie, yes its very true it is most certainly about them, but its a hard lesson to find out. I think its often only in the passing of time and hindsight that one can see that in its full perspective. When its happening it is so very hurtful and shocking and it feels very much about the person who is grieving.
Hope things are going well for you x
This is how I feel in fact I have just pulled away from everyone my family thinks Im going to kill myself if I show any kind of grief, they put me on medication that made me really not like myself at all. Sure I wasnt crying but I was cold I had no feeling about anything,,,I dont remember so much about that time and the things I do remember is the crazy thoughts the meds made me have.
I have found that it bothers me when people tell me well I lost my dad or my mom or my grandparents,,,and Im already living my life they wouldnt want you to be crying and missing them they would want you to be living your life. WELL I lost my son and its not the same thing! You expect to bury your parents or grandparents not your child! I cant stop crying and thinking what could I have done differently, "what if" is my daily thought those horribly crippling days are fewer and far between but hey still happen.
Ive told my family and friends that I really am trying and that if somedays it takes me awhile to text back or call them back it just so I can put on my happy face before I talk to them so they dont worry. One of these days I will be back to me a lil broken but me all the same, Im like a broken mirror you can put it together but the cracks will still always be there a lil imperfect but still the same.
Sheryl I can feel your pain in your words and my heart goes out to you. I know when I lost my son people would say the same thing…”when my grandmother died” and I felt like screaming but she lived a full life and they were talking about their loss, not mine!!! How could they possible feel MY pain? I really thought I would die myself the pain was so so intense and I cried so much I thought for sure all the houses in the street could be a river of tears full of questioning and so much anger.
Know absolutely Sheryl that everything you are feeling is so so normal. Have you read the previous article, its all about the what ifs and the whys “Losing a loved one: Help! Answers Wanted”
Heart hugs ~ Maureen
Maureen, thanks again. This article helped me to see that I don't have to be 'strong' for everybody else. If I'm having a bad day, I shouldn't have to put on a 'happy face' to make others feel comfortable. Right?! From now on I'm not hiding my emotions because someone else doesn't like it. They can always leave if they can't understand or be supportive. I look forward to reading your posts every day. God be with you!
Thanks Deborah. It can be a liberation of sorts, being able to be ourselves at last!
The Anniversary of my Husbands death is coming up June 8,2012, I am already dreading that day. Just thinking about it even now brings uncontrolable crying.
I feel like I have no emotional support!
Anniversaries are so very very hard. If you havent already please do come over to my Facebook page where myself and many others can support you through this difficult time http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief ~ Maureen
I don't talk about it much; sometimes it seems like life is sweeping by me. I know some very simple words helped me so much during the early years of intense grief–a friend said to me, "I know when my father died, it took about a year and a half before I felt I was coming out of the fog and half-way normal again." Such a simple statement, but I thought of it over and over when I could not think of anything else. "Maybe there is eventually some relief." Now it is six years next week when my mother died. I think she was a fabulous person everyone loved in general, but being handicapped, and then taking care of her her last few years, I believe we had an incredibly close bond. I am pleased to announce that at long last, and SIX years later, I am actually having a day or two here and there, that I feel almost normal! I sang in the car the other day, then stopped, shocked, when I realized it! Love to all who come here–there is hope.
Hi Maureen,
I want to thank you for writing this article.
I’m at this present moment struggling with the grief of losing my father whom I was extremely close with and also with the reality that I was there with him when he passed and had to be the one to call my mum and family. My life has stopped but the world goes on. I am only 25 and am in a relationship which has been every example of what you have written about. I’m not the same person and can’t see myself being that either.
I have written your article down so I have something to help me every time a friend or my boyfriend again ignores my attempts to seek help and push their own agenda on me. Everyone’s comments are a reassurance I am not alone. But I’m such a considerate person I always feel I’m the one who is causing the problems in my relationship, where after reading your article I know I’m just doing the best I can. I am scared to cut the rope though… I guess I’m still unsure or just scared really. It’s almost too much to do at this moment.
Thank you again and thank you to everyone’s comments too!