How often have we heard people say to us ~ “Time, it takes time” or “Time heals?” I wish I could say this was true. I wish I could tell you that with the passing of time alone all will be well. That somehow with time there will be better days and our life will reappear if we just wait.
We all know of people whose hearts are still leaden with the heaviness of profound grief years and years after the death of a loved one. Time has done nothing to ease the burden in their heart. So what does time do? It gives us the space to adjust to what has happened. It gives us the days and nights to begin to get our heads around the blur that is our life now. It can take us further away from the catastrophic events that have occurred and allow some perspective to enter the haze of our disbelief.
However time alone has no power. It cannot heal your grief. It cannot get you the support you need. It cannot help you find ways to get through the agony of your present existence. It cannot deal with the emotions that rage night and day. It cannot bring small pleasures back into your life once more. Only you can do that. Your actions, your thoughts, your behaviour and your habits are what will get you through and back into living after loss. That is what will begin to bring healing into your life, never time alone, though time is present always as we grieve.
It is how you get through from one moment to the next ~ breathing through the seconds and the hours. Inching along one minute at a time.
It is what you do on any given day finding ways to keep our loved one a part of our life, in our heart and in our memories.
It is how much time is given up to feeling the agony of our grief. For there is no way that healing can begin to enter a heart that is full to brimming with pent up emotion and sorrow. Using our time to spend some of it in the guts of our grief, painful as it is. Feeling it, being it and expressing it.
It is in the moments that we seek release in the distractions of the world and find a degree of comfort through the senses of our body. No one can be with the intensity of grief 24/7 that alone will cripple us and paralyse our life. Let us allow ourselves to feel, see, hear and touch beauty in our world.
It is in the quiet moments of reflection when we consider how we will live now. Will we surrender to the pain of it and give up or will we make up our mind to rise, to live for us and for our loved one.
It is in the time we take to go to that meeting, make that phone call or attend that appointment because we realise we just can’t do this alone. And there is great strength in deciding that for ourselves and for our future.
Time will heal nothing; we must do something if we want to heal. We must actively grieve our loss and start to bring life back to us. It is never easy, it takes guts and gumption and is the hardest thing we will ever do but we will. We are the lynchpins in our life’s journey. In the small steps of today we begin to walk our path into tomorrow and the next day.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Perfectly expressed and oh so very, very true! It will be 11 years in October since my darling 27 year old daughter and only child Elizabeth died 3 weeks after heart surgery. I spent some time in a psychiatric unit, heartbroken and suicidal.Time itself can never heal, but it allows us to learn many coping strategies as we begin to heal ourselves. Healing is a lifelong process, it will only be complete when we are re-united with our loved one. Meanwhile, i am keenly aware how often my precious girl is with me in spirit. Our relationship continues to grow, her special light guides me through the darkness of grief.
Katia, What happened to your daughter? I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I know the pain. My son Marty died after a cardiovascular surgeon performed aortic valve replacement surgery. Marty had no symptoms and was healthy when he walked in the hospital and left 14 days later in a body bag. The arrogant dr did not want to answer any question – he would just say he was in unchartered waters. I would love to talk with you if that is something you can do. My email address is loflinbecky@yahoo.com
Wish you peace and love!
Becky Loflin
Marty’s mama
Hi Maureen,
I hope you know how much your words and wisdom help me so much. I hear this all the time. “in time….give it time….time will help make it easier…”
This article perfectly expresses how things really are. And I thank-you.
thank you. my daily path is pushing to make it another day. You have put the words on paper that describe the conflict within. I appreciate your wisdom and encouragement.
Maureen … I am chapter leader of Compassionate Friends in our area and enjoy reading your posts .. I especially enjoyed this one and reposted it on my FB page for River Valley Compassionate Friends .. I thought my CF would read this and get something out of it and perhaps help them in their journey .. .. Rita
Thank you Maureen for this article. Your wise words always help me so much. I constantly hear “it just takes time.” I wonder how much time it would take if their child died? You described it so perfectly. I struggle to get through each day without Marty. It has been 2 and a half years he has been gone(from an aortic valve replacement that the dr said was routine and textbook) and I miss Marty more and more each day. Somedays I can’t believe I haven’t got to have a conversation with him or give him a big hug, I ache and long for those moments. I get so much comfort and encouragement from your writings. I am so grateful for you in my life!!
Love,
Becky Loflin
Marty’s Mama
i know my mom has been gone to heaven a little over 4yrs i still to this day can not accept she is gone. my life has changed so much .i amnot the same anymore.i have aniexty disorder.i feel sad n depress .my world had crumbled.thenthe following year i lostmy younger sister 9 family members in 5 yrs.sure took alot out of me.if i didnt have 2 small children i would of join them by now.im so lost nhurt
Hi my dad died what will be 9 months aug 3rd of flesh eating disease brought on by advanced prostate cancer not watched by the original doctor he had by the time it was caught it was in the bladder, the kidneys were failing and it had gone to the bones. so he had to have chemo. Here lyies the issue if anyone else has had some type of this experience. My sister and mother kept me from my dad while he was sick for 18 months and i had a bomb dropped on my halloween night he was going to die. dont get me wrong i am glad at least this time i was told.He died nov 3 rd and i was the only one with him. this story can get very long so if any one wants more detail feel free to contact me. i was disowned after he passed and got nothing and he didnt get the military funeral he should of he was cremated and that was the end. I just feel like there was so much left unsaid and i am now left alone without my dad. I am married. How do you get past this or should i say grieve this dont get me wrong i do have my good and bad days and do my own things like a cake for his birthday but have never talked to anyone in this type of situation. thank you
MY WIFES DEATH ALMOST 3 YEARS AGO HAS BURNED DEEP GRIEF INTO ME, SO DEEP THAT I CANNOT GO THRU THE DAY WITHOUT CRYING AND THIS INCLUDES IN PUBLIC. I BEEN BY MYSELF FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS. MY CHILDREN LIVE IN OTHER STATES. I AM A KOREA WAR VET AND BEEN CREATIVE MY WHOLE LIFE. IF YOU GOOGLE IRWEIN DRESNER -POET. YOU WILL SEE SOME OF MY 12 POEMS. I HAVE ALSO SUFFERED FROM SEVERE DEPRESSION MY WHOLE LIFE. I GONE FOR HELP A NUMBER OF TIME BUT THEY NEVER WERE ABLE TO HELP ME. RIGHT NOW I AM UP AT MY SONS HOUSE AND MY DEEP GRIEF FOLLOWED ME HERE WITHOUT ANY RELIEF. I FIND THAT I CAN SUFFER NO MORE LIKE THIS. I DO NOT HAVE 5 MINUITES OF RELIEF. FOR ME I FEEL THAT MY GRIEF WILL BE MY COMPANION TILL I DIE. AS I WRITE THIS I HAVE BEEN AT MY SONS HOME ALMOST A WEEK WITH THE GRANDCHILDREN BUT THE GRIEF AND DEPRESSION IS KILLING ME. I WILL GO HOME SOON TO MY EMPTY HOUSE AND TRULY KNOW THAT I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS. A GREAT WEEKEND TO ALL. IRWIN
Dear Maureen,
Thank you for this article. Your writings always inspire and give me comfort besides reflecting all the feelings inside me. Like with so many others, I’ve been told time will heal or it takes time. These words were spoken in an effort to comfort us. Many people I know said this in the early months, then they disappeared from my life. Instead of giving me all the cliches, I wished they had given the gift of their presence to listen and comfort me. They are waiting for the time when I’m in the position where they can deal with me. The friends that I have now are only a few but they are, to me, true friends who are not afraid to share my hurt and pain, and I’m grateful for having them in my life now.
It will be seven years in December that Don has been gone, and we would have had twenty years together if he were still here. Since we were older when we met, and I had a chronic condition and no insurance of my own, we had our own kind of marriage, but not a legal one, although we, our family (even the most devout members) and all our friends–even total strangers!–couldn’t help but see us as married. Our life together was pure joy; we were one another’s soulmate, and his passing was like losing half of myself. I’m sure that since it happened twelve days before Christmas, part of the reason for not receiving more support was that, and that part of it was not having close family nearby. And at Christmas, no one just really wants to discuss a grieving widow’s story, no matter how close they are, not on the phone, not on e-mails, no way. Nor have many since, except one really dear friend. But one friend needs a break…even I know that! I have always been the person who says, “I’m fine” if someone asks me how things are going, especially when I’m so far away from everything and everyone I grew up with and have been so for many decades. But one thing I learned from this–if ever I can, I try to give my friends, even those I don’t really know too well, the chance to share what they are feeling. They could be me. And they might just need what I have needed. Maybe there’s no one for me to share with, but Don taught me something really important–how to give. I hope I can do it as well as he did.
Thank You..
Great article and so true. I was forever changed on February 3 at 2:49 p.m. That’s when the nurse turned to us and said, “she’s gone.” My Mom and best friend was gone. I’m not the same person I was at 2:45 that afternoon and I’ll never be that person again. Personally, time hasn’t healed and I don’t believe it ever will. I think time will eventually transform the new me and this new life I’m living.
Hi Maureen, my best friend for 40 years now, is mourning the loss of her husband. He passed away 10 months ago. She hasn’t been able to start adapting to the loss. She puts on a good act, but in her heart she still wants him back & cries every day. She hasn’t tried to bring anything positive into her life. She also had to move from one part of the province to here & is living with one of her sons. Thank goodness she has reconnected with her original family Dr. here. If she needs help or counselling etc. her Dr. will help her. I still think that nothing will change until my friend decides to move forward. She has joined a grief group on Facebook. She admits she doesn’t want to face her loss… you are right – time itself doesn’t heal anything. I keep in constant touch with her, take her out on weekends, and make her laugh! I know she appreciates forgetting everything for awhile. It is so hard to watch her suffering … and waiting for that first step toward healing. Thank you for your emails Maureen, you say it all so well
I am SO sorry Kory, BUT ….. as a grieving person you CAN NOT DECIDE for yourself when you can go forward it is SO hard and I have learnt from being here (on Maureen’s page) that it may take a bloody LONG time … My SECOND Daughter (My babies best friend but she was 95% my girl;) As Tina’s Second Mum, I can’t “DECIDE” to move forward” it’s all very raw, My Brother who has been THE rock for my whole life has said “GET OVER IT”! I don’t even talk to him anymore and I’m Gutted about it .. if your friend is NOT bowing down to the get over it and move on thing …. PLEASE don’t try and push it, Kory you seem like such an awesome mate … but honestly PLEASE be prepared to be there for the next MILLION years x♥x
Sorry BTW Tina … decided to go to sleep for ever on the 13th of Feb this year … I really tried to say how but HA naaaah couldn’t do it … I know I will one day here …. you people seem SO supportive even if you’re not in kiwiland, THANKYOU!
Hi Karina, thank you for your comments, it’s good to get another perspective. First, I am so sorry for your loss of Tina, I can’t even imagine how hard that is. 5 1/2 months isn’t very long. My friend is such a wonderful human being. I think I’m afraid I will lose her too. So much stress for her. 38 years is a long time to be married. She is a very young looking lady, and young in her thinking. I’m afraid she will have a breakdown & never recover, or a heart attack. I wouldn’t even mention ‘get over it’ to her! I was thinking more of the baby steps Maureen talks about so well. Buying some nice flowers, take a sandwich & sit at the park nearby, just something other than staying inside so much. My heart goes out to you Karina … big hug. It is good to talk about it, people here care because they know what it’s like. (my husband died suddenly when I was 39, from a heart attack). All those feelings came rushing back & to see my friend go through it is heartbreaking. It took a long time for me to recover. The good news is, I survived it all. I don’t know how. Someone said it will take at least a year. My thought was, I can’t even get through a week. How am I going to get through a year? Please take care of yourself …
Hey Kory,
Thankyou so much for your reply
x I feel a wee bit bad for what I said, but didn’t quite know how to word it at the time (I was having one of my “bad” days at the time) Two weeks on I’m in a completely different frame of mind than I was that night, up and down as the “waves” go) I am so sorry for your loss, I feel a “sudden” loss is just that little bit harder to accept than a loss you are aware of and can slowly work towards acceptance of something that is inevitable, and if that person is willing, you can both work together towards the acceptance. 39 is far too young honey 
How long has it been now, if you don’t mind me asking? My heart feels so much pain for you, your fear for your friend and her emotional position at the moment as I fear for my daughter (AND also sometimes myself 
) 10 months is still SO early, and if I can say anything that I have learnt through the little bit of “self counseling” that I have done, the flowers, walks in the park and wee picnics are awesome!!! You are such a beautiful awesome friend Kory! Can you please tell me what your friends did do to help YOU through? That MAY also be what you can do to help your friend? … At the moment I have to sit back and wait for Kayla (My BEAUTIFUL girl) to talk to me (which HAS started happening! … and it’s so bloody good!) where as I personally want to talk all the time and release my feelings … what a complicated grieving situation we have here aye! 
anyway, just to give you a wee bit more of a feeling of who we are and where we’re at … I’m in New Zealand, 42, 43 on Wednesday (oh yay :S ) My Daughter, Kayla is 16 now was 15 at the time of Tinas “holiday” (still can’t say “the words” ), Tina was 15 at the time, (six days before Kayla’s 16th) …. on Monday (13th of Aug) it will be six months and I already know that come the 11th, things are going to start being not so good emotionally for me (hopefully on this “anniversary” date, Kayla and I can have another good day out by ourselves 
) …. keep in mind dates and the build up to dates with your friend (AND yourself) …. If you are on FB, and would like to chat privately about yourself or your friend, PLEASE look me up …. I’m under “Nana Kay” at the moment because we have just found out I’m a NANA!!!! 
…. (yeah there IS still alot of good in this life ) … Lots of love and the biggest cuddles (hugs) ever to you Kory, please DO keep in contact IF you would like to
x♥x
Karina
PS/ Forgot to say, my animals do such wonderful spiritual things for me, if you have pets or your friend does, PLEASE tune into their UN-conditional love … and another thing besides the flowers and walks etc … get some stale bread and go and feed some ducks … I find it SO soothing to my soul ..
Loves to you BOTH x♥x
I look forward each day to see what you will be writing and find wisdom in each. Losing one’s son is tough and I am somehow managing to survive but the tears are always waiting to fall, my heart aches and missing him is never far away. Hearing people who have never lost a child, adult or youth say to me, “I know exactly how you feel” leaves me angry. You know how it feels, so your words are comforting. Thank you Maureen, somehow I will manage but I am forever changed…………hugs Dianne
Thank you again your words are so comforting for me. Everything you write is exactly how I’m feeling. I lost my precious mother and best friend ever unexpectedly 3 months ago and I still feel like it is a bad dream that I want to wake up from so bad. She was my everything. I know my life is forever changed but I just don’t know how it can possibly be good again. The pain is unbearable most of the time. Thank you again I am grateful I have come across your sight and always look forward to opening your emails. Have a wonderful day.
Thank you for all your beautiful words and sharing the hurt in your heart. To go on living when someone we love with all our heart has died is the most painful thing to do and yet we do with love always in our hearts ~ Maureen x
Grief takes time but time alone doesn’t heal us.
Susan Fuller recently posted..Stages of Grief – A Disservice to the Grieving
It seems like the more time goes by the worse I feel and the more lonely I am, time dosent heal our wounds, we have to do it when we are ready. Its been almost 8 months since I lost my dear husband and each day gets harder and harder, I guess its because realization has set in, and I know he is not coming back. I know I have progressed a little since he passed away, but I am no where near where I am told I should be, in fact I dont know if I ever will be. No, time does not heal all wounds, we just learn to deal with it a little better.
Maureen,
If we allow ourselves to heal isn’t that letting go??? …. I DON’T EVER WANT TO LET Tina Go … may be selfish but I just cant do it yet :’(
Karina healing to me is adjusting to our loss and finally being able to let go of our tremendous pain and suffering but never letting go of our loved ones. I never want to let my loved ones go either and have no intention of doing so. They come with me in ways beyond the physical, in the very essence of who they are and in the ways I keep them in my life every day. By dealing with grief in this way I believe it allows us to heal more easily ~ Maureen
Thank you SO much for that Maureen… it’s only been 5 and a bit months and I have such GOOD days and think I’m all better but then for no reason or date at all I crash big time …. and last night and today is one of “those” ones … Tina IS (was) IS my Daughters best friend and Is (was) IS my second Daughter, I SO miss seeing them together! Kayla (My Babe) won’t open up and talk, and I look at her all the time and see her “soul mate” not there ….she decided to leave us on the 13th of Feb …. (and I have so much more to say, but for some reason I’ve just been blocked
) Your website is so AWESOME, it puts so much into perspective and has given me SO much …. I have said to Kayla to go here when she has the strength to … thank you so much again x♥x
My mom has been gone 4 months. I lost my best friend. For 2-3 years before she died, I didn’t want her to drive so I was her chauffeur. It became a habit that we did everything together. I took her with me to everything I did.
At the end, I had to lift her to a potty chair and clean her up.
Time has done nothing but make me miss her more.
My father and brother are also gone. The pain is excruciating and relentless.
It has been just a little over a years since i lost the love of my life. we were just 16 and 17 went we got married now 53 years i am alone lost and lonesome. No desire to move on without him. i hate being alone and wake up in the middle of the night scared !!
It has been 10 months since my wonderful, loving husband died. The gripping agony of grief seems so much more intense now. I look at his pictures and cry, every day! I want to touch him, hold him and in my mind I do, but it doesn’t help. Our anniversary is in a few days. I dread…. and look forward to that day. It would have been our 44th. I love you still, my darling….with all my heart.
Dear Maureen
Thank you for your www and fb page it brings so much comfort.
I lost my Dad to suicide in 1966 , it still feels like it happened recently ,I constantly think why did you do that To us Dad.
Today is my mums birthday she would have been 83 okay , we lost her to lymphoma 4 years ago. Mum loved my father so much I don’t think she ever got over her grief .
Blessings Kate- Albany wa
Hi Maureen, There are so many questions that I have but I know that they will never be answered, Why, because I have no-one left to answer them. The reason I say this is because at the age of 20yrs & 6mnths my father passed away. My sister and brother whom are 13 and 11 years older than I and were born in europe do not acknowledge me in any way since I was born. My sister has always told me that she felt like my second mother and she also felt that mum should have had another child closer to my age. As for my brother, he’s been very much his own person since he left high school and started working and in his words, if you both (my sister and I ) had a gun you would shoot each other at the same time. Anyway to make things even more complicated for me, my mother passed away 9yrs ago now and when the time came for the funeral, my name was not read out, I was referred to as the baby on the way which is why mum had to give up work, I was seated with my own three daughters 3 rows behind them and not one of them or their partners or children came to me with any caring words. When it came time to share mum’s belongings I had to have my brother check that I wasn’t taking anything I shouldn’t have. ( It turns out that 3days after I left the unit, my sister and sister-in-law went through the place and gave it all away).
When my dad passed I had a huge breakdown, and when mum was diagnosed I was prepared to nurse her at home but family intervened as usual. I found out that I have half-sister in europe and I’ve been told not to look for her but in saying that I know how it all happened as mum and I were very close and talked about so much openly ( the one thing my sister didn’t have with mum). I’ve since had a failed marriage and my children have all left home, I have been struck down soo hard with grief that I now go to counselling on a fortnightly basis. My health is not good and I so many times wonder when will this all end and when will I ever find the true me, if at all. I have a heart so big but it’s been broken soo badly that I somedays just want it all to stop. Please Maureen, please help me find some strength to get through all that I grieve over, bad relationships, loss of parents and family, and at times loss of myself. I will try anything to overcome all this sadness just to find happiness once more and really live like I should be living.
If I haven’t said it before I truly truly appreciate all the emails that I get from you and messages on facebook, but most of all I appreciate you for your golden heart to helping many people like me, may god give you a golden halo as you deserve one. many blessings to you Deb
Deb there is so much heartache in your words, I am so very sorry that you have had to endure all that you have. Hard as it is, never give up your hope in you. Your love for your Mum, for your children will give you strength when you feel so very weary with the loss that pervades your heart. Sending you courage and sending you blessings of ease to pour into your heart ~ Maureen x