Everyone tells us about the year of firsts when we are grieving. How difficult it is to face the first year of birthdays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. We have to get through Valentine’s Day, the holidays, and Christmas as well as facing the first anniversary of our loved ones death. Then there are the family celebrations – the graduations, the weddings, the births. It is a jumble of hurdles we have to cross.
I remember struggling through that first year, all those first dates and what once were joyous celebrations. Everything and everyone was a reminder of what I no longer had. The shops were full of it! People were laughing and happy. It hit me square in the face and brought me crumbling to my knees. I remember the words distinctly someone said to me, “It’s the year of firsts”. It was as if when I got into the second year it would be easier.
There’s nothing easy about grieving and living our life after profound loss. The second year and every year bring their own challenges. Each year we are faced with the same days and what they mean to us. For some of us birthdays are the hardest, for others it’s the anniversary day.
We have to relearn our lives over again because it’s not just about those significant days, though they are significant. The year of firsts is about our daily life as well. It’s the first time we have to face anything without our loved one.
The first time we wake up and realise our life has changed forever.
Opening the door and walking into an empty house.
Getting to the check out and remembering they’re not here to eat the food we were about to buy for them.
Sitting down to an empty table or facing an empty chair.
Picking up the phone and realising that we can’t ever call them or text them again.
The first time everything is so very quiet – where are they, it’s so empty.
Going back to work with our first “I’m OK’ face and near on having a panic attack – the first one of those too!
Rolling over and reaching out to touch thin air.
Thinking what to buy them and then realising this is the first time they won’t be here.
Opening the first official letter where reality hits us bham!!
Driving down the road and turning into their street before we remember they don’t live there anymore.
Our first birthday with someone missing.
Going on holiday without them.
And more, so much more…..
As we learn more from our own experiences of getting through each significant first as well as our daily firsts we are finding out more about our grief and ourselves.
We know whether the lead up or the day itself is the worst for us.
We know what in our daily live is our biggest challenge without them.
We know which days are most difficult and why.
We know what helped us the most and we can use that to help us again.
We may still be overwhelmed by such times but we know now we can get through them.
Grieving is a constantly evolving process of change. Each moment we are living through our loss we are adjusting to it and making subtle changes that help us to step through each day and into our future.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Maureen,
Thank you for sharing this article with me! It certainly helps me to realize I am not going crazy. My son was killed in an auto accident 4/10/11, so we have been through the “first” year, but had not taken a vacation since Connors’ death. This year we did decide to go away. It was one of the most difficult things I have done! Preparing to take a “family” vacation without my whole family was overwhelming! But you are right, I did get through it and am in the process of learning different ways to cope and manage.
Thank you for your sharing your experiences and support!
Michelle Johnson
Hi Maureen,
I miss my son so much. I visit his resting place in St Ann’s cemetery three times a week. I usesd to visit him almost every day. I love your notes to me they are helping me deal with my loss. Thank you.
God Bless,
Angie Agin
i seem to be doing some better but in august is my wife birthday it will be my first without her in 56yrs i hope i can get thru it since living alone makes it worse keep me in your thoughts
Hello Maureen,your articles are very inspiring and true to my feelings.Thank you.Regards,Ellora.
Hi Maureen,
this article is so well written; I was constantly agreeing while reading it. The lead up to Mother’s Day was harder for me than the day, which was very confusing. We are 7 months in, so we’ve passed a lot of firsts, but we still have so many to go. It’s only my Dad and me now and we are both hurting. My Mom was so energetic (I called her “hyper”) that now everything seems so boring. I’m so glad I found you; you’ve helped already.
thank you
Kelly
Hello Maureen,
I have so much identification with what you have wrote in this message, and like Kelly I too dreaded Mother’s Day and it was easier on the day, it’s my birthday in 3 days time and by now I would have had a beautiful present from my son Mark, My son died on Christmas Eve, and I feel it has become more difficult to cope then it was 2 months ago, Mark was beautiful, kind, had a smile you could not forget, I wake up crying now that’s a first, Mark fell down stairs and died instantly, I was at his side within minutes he lived near by, his daddy is tormented by the suddenness of his death, Mark loved us very much and showed it to us, I know we have wonderful memories of him but I would prefer to have him here, Thank you Maureen
For now
Rose xx
Hello Maureen,
I have so much identification with what you have wrote in this message, and like Kelly I too dreaded Mother’s Day and it was easier on the day, it’s my birthday in 3 days time and by now I would have had a beautiful present from my son Mark, My son died on Christmas Eve, and I feel it has become more difficult to cope then it was 2 months ago, Mark was beautiful, kind, had a smile you could not forget, I wake up crying now that’s a first, Mark fell down stairs and died instantly, I was at his side within minutes he lived near by, his daddy is tormented by the suddenness of his death, Mark loved us very much and showed it to us, I know we have wonderful memories of him but I would prefer to have him here, Thank you Maureen
For now
Rose xx
Maureen, once again, I don’t know what I would do without you. Your experiences and your unselfishness in sharing your thoughts, realities and openness of your soul has always kept me grounded and sane. There have been days when I didn’t know what was going on in “my world” until I read one of your posts and was able to see the light through the fog. I cannot ever thank you enough for helping me to understand this new way of life and giving me hope by always having your hand out to me and others. God bless you.
Your site is so helpful.
I had a defining moment the day after my husband’s funeral. His family has a tradition of camping together annually. The campout was the week of his funeral and happened to be near our home. In preparing to go to join them for a weiner roast I put on a jacked I’d recently bought at a garage sale. When I zipped it I realized the zipper tab was missing. Putting my hands in the pockets I found a plastic bag containing the tab. My immediate thought was “Oh good, Bob can fix it.” Instantly I knew that was not going to happen, and I burst into uncontrollable sobs. Then the thought ran through my mind, “Maybe I can fix it.” I got the long-nose pliers and sure enough I did it. At that momement I realized I could handle this new chapter in my life called widowhood.
Thanks for all your encouraging words.
I am living thru the first year, it has been 7 months since my husband passed, we were together over 30 years. It is hard knowing he is no longer there to just share day to day life. It is so hard thinking of what life is without him. Thank you for your articles they show me that there is light within this darkness.
Hi Maureen. Thanks so much for your helpful insights and inspiration. I have tow Sisters who lost sons, one less than a year ago, and one about a year and a half ago. One was 21, the other was 27. One was suicide, the other alcohol/addiction. You know what my sisters and whole family are going through, when few people can really understand. I have shared your links with them, and one of them was already involved with Compassionate Friends. I and they appreciate these kinds of resources.
Best to you, Larry
Hi Maureen,
Thanks for your words, nowadays it seems that only my mother and you really have an understanding of whats going on inside me, i know you know what i mean, people are no longer useful to me in my grieving! Its been 7 months but it feels like its been forever without my daughter but yet it feels like she left me yesterday, i miss her so much, our relationship was so close it is so hard to live without her, she was my world! My life has changed so much since she left, its overwhelming! Thanks for your words of comfort!
I am in my year of “firsts” with the passing of my 32 year old son. I have been through his birthday, mine and family occasions and the grief attacks do not dissipate. Almost 7 months later and I am just now downloading his pictures he had on his phone to my computer. It is truly a journey I was not prepared for in the least and there are days that I do not know how I will endure the grief. I tend to stuff my feelings away and try not to think about it but that does not always work. Thank you Maureen for sharing your insight into the grieving process, it helps to know others are where I am at and I am not alone.
Dear Maureen,
My daughter and only child passed 9/27/010, 2 friends since childhood passed the following summer, my brother passed 10/3/011 and my husband passed 10/16/011. My entire world disappeared in 13 months and left me shocked. April 16th was 6 months since my husband of 21 years passed and the 17th was 19 months since my daughter. My mood has plummeted since then and I’m having a hard time recovering. It’s not that I didn’t realize they are gone, the anniversary made it all too real. My husband and I were loners which complicates my current status. I have been betrayed and no longer trust people. There are so many reminders and everything has changed, even grocery shopping. I’m trying but I’m 72 years old and so sad and lonely for what no longer exists. Your kind words always help.
I feel so much for the pain in your heart Lizzie – Hugs to you
Thanks Maureen (my youngest daughter’s middle name by the way
)
The information is so accurate. A couple of things that have been hard for me, one of which I don’t understand is listening to the news every day, reading an article or just thinking about the everyday, chitter- chatter that married couples share. And being unable to tell my husband anything that’s going on in the world or my world. I’ll say to myself, “Frank wouldn’t believe this or that. I wonder what he’d say or do” ? Like everyone, I wish there was a phone line to Heaven. Even a phone call would help fill the void. The second thing I’m experiencing, the one I don’t understand is, I feel the need to go by or visit places where he and I went or lived in the past and then when I go, I feel sad about it. The places look the same but, feel hollow and different and yet, the desire to go continues. It’s almost as if, I’m tricking myself into believing he’ll be there or I’ll see him. Sometimes, I even visual him somewhere and imagine what it would be like to run into him. Now, I’m a realist and know this is never going to happen here on earth but, somehow I let my imagination ponder this idea. Again, it gives me a mixed feeling of some comfort and sadness. Seeing and reminicing is like watching my life play out on a movie screen. In my mind, it brings us together again for a brief moment. Why would I want to do something that ends up making me feel sad and hollow? Is this is part of healing?
Shelley I think believing he’ll be there is not about seeing him, but feeling a strong connection with him and his love through the memories and the significance of that place for you both. It gives us that sense of bonding but it also brings us headlong into the sadness we feel because its different now. Thats natural for that to happen. I believe forming those connections in places that are meaningful (sacred) to us are vital and a significant part of our healing. ~ Maureen
Maureen, You have an amazing way of being able to express what so many of us are feeling. The year of first’s I hoped would be the hardest year. In a way I prepared myself for the first’s. BUT….. I couldn’t prepare myself for the ambushing!!! Things you can’t prepare yourself for. A bright orange work jacket on a tall boy, a shaved head on a man in the crowd, AC/DC songs that blare over the radio, cooking pasta ( my son’s favourite), watching my husband working on the house without his son, his right hand man next to him. Many things still catch me by surprise a year and a half later, AND it doesn’t seem any easier. I agree that we have to get used to this new way of life. We don’t like it, but we soldier on. I wait for a time that I can remember without pain. God Bless Maureen for bringing us together to share through this medium.
Thank you for all that you do, Maureen. The article about the year of firsts really helped me. The anniversary of the death of a loved one is coming up, so this article was very timely for me. You are so special.
Hi Maureen, You have been there for me since my husband took his life in November 2011. I think of you as a dear friend who has been through what I am going through and really understands. I haven’t been able to talk to my friends who haven’t lost someone and can’t possibly know what I’m going through. Your words are so fulfilling and comforting. I thank you for being there for me as well as all the others who are suffering such a indescribable pain. I am going through my firsts also. The holidays were just a blur of being numb and not celebrating anything except staying in bed sleeping my empty life away. Life as I know it has changed to something unrecognizable. My daughter is the only one keeping me going because I finally realize she needs me. She is suffering too but in her own way different than mine. She is only turning 15 this month. Her first birthday without her Father. I cry constantly, haven’t been able to work since, but she holds everything in. I don’t get it. Days pass and everyone else is moving on like my Tom didn’t mean anything. I can’t move on because he meant the world to me. I didn’t have any clues that he would leave us and I found him. I can’t get that picture out of my mind. I’m sorry for rambling but I know you understand. Thank you for listening and being there. Gina.
Heartfelt hugs and blessings Gina ~ Maureen
Dear Maureen,
reading your lists of “firsts” reminded me of one of my most painful firsts, and that was looking in the mirror at myself for the “first” time after losing Jasmine 17 to suicide, two days after just before the funeral.
It was the most scary thing, as I saw death in my eyes.
It is nearly two years on, and I have never seen that in my eyes again, but yes, those firsts will never leave my minds eye.
Love Irene
Hi Maureen,
Well I have just got back from my first vacation without my Mom. I can honestly say I was having a hard time with it before I left and during the 8 hours it took to get to our final destination. Once we landed on the small island in the Queen Charlotte Islands, I knew we were doing the right thing. I got to the lodge and a Bald Eagle was in the trees watching over us. It was there every night and I like to think it was my Mom making sure we were all right and listening to our fish stories. I was able to actually laugh and smile and feel more like myself than I have in a long time. It has been a long and hard year for our whole family. It was awesome watching all of us come to life in this beautiful part of our country. My Dad smiling and laughing as he reeled in the big one on a rainy. wavy, overcast day. We couldn’t have been happier had it been sunny. I put my feet in the Pacific Ocean for the first time and it was cold and refreshing. I ate crab for the first time and it was amazing. All the time the bald eagle was watching over us. I talked to her each night even though I knew she had seen our day unfold. She was probably laughing and telling her brother, “can you believe them fishing while they are seasick, crazy fools!!” I know there will be other firsts to deal with, but this first gave us a respite from our grief and allowed a little healing to happen.
My daughter aged 3 told me she saw god today from the window saying god looked like lots of brightness and he asked her to put his angel wings and go with him she said she told him no and that her uncle Stephen and daddy james loved her very much…
Wot does this mean I’m worried sick xxx
Thank you so much for your daily emails my sons first AngelVersary is coming up in Oct and all kinds of crazy emotions are stirring up.. I can really tell my emotions no matter how hard i try to tell myself ive survived these past months why is it taking me to the very day even last two months before my son took his life as if it was just yesterday.. ugggg I Hate It.. its taken so much energy these past 10 months yesterday just to make it thru each day i feel so drained most of the time.. this is crazy.. thank you for your insight on grieving as it has helped me understand im not going crazy ..
http://stei-23978.tributes.com/show/Matthew-Shane-Wright-94035591
February 21, 2013 will mark one year of the greatest friendship I have ever known. Matthew pursued my friendship because he was gifted enough and spiritually keen enough to find that one person that his older brother told me Matthew was looking for. I was honored to be that one friend that he treasued most, yet at the time our friendship fluorished; I never knew how important I was in his Life. It was not until Matthew’s sudden, tragic death that all of the stories began to surface. Stories from Matthew’s Family lit a bright light in comparison to the immediate darkness and isolation I still feel since his passing. Matthew, I am honored to have been your best of friends. I am also fortunate and blessed that our friendship developed into a love as only real brothers would know.
I will never forget your handshakes and hugs. I will always remember that whatever opportunities you had to share with me, you never once turned them down, you never said “No” to me.
Live in my heart, Run free in my soul…..I will always love you Little Brother.
How very beautiful Robert