“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape…. there is something new to be chronicled every day.” CS Lewis adaptation
It can be so hard to explain to others or even get our own heads around the experience that is grief. It is so all consuming in the early days, so devastating, so terribly difficult. How would we begin to describe something that affects us on every level of our being?
If I were to describe grief from a detached viewpoint and clinical perspective, I might say something like this.
“Grief is the physical, emotional and spiritual response we have when we lose someone of something that we care deeply about.”
Simple, cut and dried. No emotion. Very detached. You may have come across similar descriptions yourself.
If I were to describe grief from my own perspective, as someone who has experienced great tragedy and loss, I would say something like this:
“Grief is something that lands in our life like a 5-ton block of concrete. Pinning us down, crying and screaming. Its immense power holds us fast. We can’t move. We gasp for breath. One hand alone has remained free from the load. It reaches out for help, but can’t quite grasp onto anything.One hand stays reaching out forever.”
“Grief is the pain of loss that assaults us on every level of our being.”
“Grief is what makes me remember with love and hold memories tight.”
“Grief is the song that cries alone in the dark.”
“Grief is the pain that comes from being powerless to change what has happened.”
When we experience anything tumultuous in our lives, it is emotive and lives within us. If you were to sit down and write for 5 minutes under the heading Grief is………… the words would come out and spring onto the paper. Emotions are powerful. Love, anger, grief. They bid expression in some way or another. It is no surprise then that so many people experiencing loss turn to writing as a way to voice what they feel in their heart. They give the pain of grief words.
“When grief recedes, grief is like a cloud” Tom Golden
“Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped…” Stephanie Ericsson
“Grief is the price we pay for love. Every mother dreads that cost.” Sarah Sands
“Grief is like a tsunami” Jemma Redgrave
“Grief is like the ocean; it’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love.” One Tree Hill
What would you say if you had to fill in the blanks?
GRIEF IS …………
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Grief is like an enormous blanket shrouding every other emotion and desire. It prevents you from thinking straight, from recognising hunger, from concentrating, from sleeping. It unhinges you and keeps you in despair. It takes your strength. Later it fades to become merely a shadow you learn to live with. Then later still an unwelcome visitor that surprises you with its grip on your heart when you least expect it like an unseen predator swooping up from the deep to snare you, freeze your mind, grab at your heart.
Absolutely beautiful in capturing the pain so well
Grief is like the ocean. At times it comes crashing down on you, sweeping you away and tossing you around in the current like a piece of sand. At other times it laps gently at your feet – lingering, always there in the back of your mind. And sometimes it lets you float or sit peacefully, allowing you to bask in the memories.
Such a great analogy, that of the waves – thanks Janine
There are many aspects of religion that defy logic;other practices clearly evolved to afford we mere humans the ability to cope. The Jewish practice of mourning is one of them…
Seven days of intense mourning. Sit on hard benches, no makeup ormirrors (no need for vanity), others prepare your meals, one stays in and religious services AND visitors come to you three times (or more daily). At the end of this period, a walk outside around the neighborhood. The first 30 days (next 23) still no makeup or shaving (assuming you are male), limited worldly engagement. For the rest of the year (11 months and 1 day, today), no music, no theater, no dancing, with still thrice daily recitation of the prayer for the dead (which is really an affirmation that Hashem is great and all-knowing and has the ultimate good in mind) At the end of the year, we are ready to re-enter and participate fully in our lives and civilization…
Roy, I’ve always thought the idea of Shiva much more accepting of those grieving than many other religions.
I would have to say though, 11 months of no music, theatre or dancing, would be like a second death of the soul to many – the blackness may then become impenetrable like a widows weeds
Grief is when you have a million people around and you miss that one person; when you want that one person and there is no way you can get him/her; it is like the ocean at times, encompassing and wide spread; when nothing seems right; when there is a complete defeat of hope, positiveness and all things happy, that is grief.
So poignant Hajra…..a million people around and you miss that one person, so very true.
Grief is when you are flung to the depths of your pain, your sense of loss, and it feels like dark, heavy, thick air that envelops you. It makes it hard to breathe, to move, to will yourself to change direction because just as you feel it could suffocate you, it also brings you comfort to just sit there still and let it wrap itself around you…
What beautiful words Joy. I can so relate to what you describe.
Grief is overwhelming. It is like being a rabbit caught in the lights of an oncoming car, you know what you should do but are powerless to act to move. It makes you subject to unreasonable rage and enough crying jags to fill a crater. It is a process that can’t be avoided but must be endured. In time it will lessen.
So true, so much crying and certainly cant be avoided, much as we would like to.
Grief is when you realise that what you took for granted didn’t last forever. It’s tough, it’s overwhelming. It’s a journey and it’s easy to get lost!
Very true, if grief has taught me one thing, its not to take the people I love for granted- now I dont.
I think of grief as being the only truly independent emotion. You can make yourself happier or angrier or whatever, but grief will be whatever it wants to be and at it’s own pace. Embrace it and go for the ride – you have no choice.
You know Thom I have never thought of grief that way….it will be whatever it wants to be. Much as we have to and eventually come to accept it, I will never embrace it.
Hope you dont mind if I retweet your words.:)
Grief is an all consuming longing for someone who you will never see again.
Like an intruder grief appears often unannounced and steals away part of your soul.
Grief takes a piece of your core and replaces it with a painful ache that can’t be fixed.
Grief becomes part of the new person you morph into.
Grief never ever goes away….sometimes its a dull ache, sometimes a stabbing pain that only tears can relieve.
However, Grief has taught me how to live and love and appreciate every single day I’m blessed with…I call this ‘The Gift of Grief.’
Thank you Maureen, love you blog….from a fellow Aussie living in L.A.
Diana Doyle x
Diana – so great to have you stop by. Thanks for your support of Esdeer but WOW what a fantastic description of grief. I particularly like this one:
“Like an intruder grief appears often unannounced and steals away part of your soul.”
Thank you for sharing what grief means to you. I too have received so many gifts from grief. I’ll share them with you, see if they match yours http://www.esdeer.com/nine-gifts xx
Grief is a cloud raining on my life, blocking the sun, stealing the warmth, muting the colors. Sometimes it pours, sometimes it mists. Some days the cloud disappears for a time, long enough for me to find my umbrella.
Gorgeous Adrienne – thank you.
Grief is LOVE xo
So so true – we hurt so much because we love so much. Sharryn heartfelt hugs to you, thinking of you and your family xx
Hello Maureen -
Grief played a tremendous problem for me in my life many years ago. The year was 1986, Superbowl Sunday morning when my Chicago Bears went on to win the big title game. Those early morning hours I lost my father. He died on a temporary hospital bed set up in our living room. I didn’t feel like I thought I should feel and I certainly didn’t react in the right manner. I was very confused by what I felt. That’s the best way I can describe it at this time.
Many years later when my mother died in 2005, I was prepared. I experienced all the proper emotions a son should feel about losing his mother. Although very saddened and mournful, this time around my sore heart was at some sort of peace with her death. Mom had a good, long life and loved by many. My father didn’t have such a long life and was also loved by many. I miss them both. Thank you Maureen.
Charlie thanks so much for sharing the hurt of grief that has touched your life. I think when our loved ones leave our lives too soon there is so much pain in the parting. We are at odds with the whole thing and it knocks the stuffing out of us, to put it mildly. I know it did for me.
Your Mum and Dad have a special place in your heart where their light always shines.
Grief is that voice that I can still hear but is no more. Grief is that gladness that you were once here to fill my life with your presence. Grief is that silence after the storm. Grief is wanting to go with you on that great adventure but knowing I must bide. Grief is that hard, sharp pain constantly burning, but I’d rather feel that than nothing at all.
Penelope amidst what grief is, there is, as you say, the gladness that they were once with us. Thanks so much for sharing.
Grief is consuming and devastating. A wish for one more day, one more hour, 5 more minutes.
Oh so true Lalia, to wish……..
Thanks, very much for sharing beautiful words that my heart can understand very well.
Becaouse grief is In my mind mingle with smiles and dreams, tears and busyness. Since the lost of my Larry in 2007.
Oh Consuelo, how very beautiful. I am so very sorry that you have lost someone so precious. My heart goes out to you x
I am so amazed by the quotes you share in your post and everyone’s creativity in the comments! It’s evident that grief has touched each person in one or another, but it can become a beautiful way to relate to each other.
To me, grief is an opportunity to remember and grow.
Thanks for having me think about this, Maureen!
I am amazed too Samantha at the incredible response. To live in this human world of ours is to love and to experience loss at some time or another, as is evident by these comments.
I echo your sentiments of what grief is – thanks for sharing.
Grief is knowing something is missing and they will never return so you need to let it go and remember the good times.
Roberta thanks for sharing your ‘grief is’ …may the good times stay with you forever.
grief is like falling in a big dark hole. it has no end. you are stuck there forever. So lost and lonely and no way back to the brighter days.