“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night.”….Brenda Mallon
I don’t know anyone who has lost a loved one that doesn’t wish for a dream of them. To see them, perhaps touch them or hear them – such incredible joy. It is the closest you may come to being with them again and erasing for a moment the jolt of reality, which is. Viewed as a treasured blessing, they are a form of healing dreams.
Recently I came across the work of Carla Blowey. A certified dreamwork facilitator, she is presenting at The Compassionate Friends National Conference this July on DREAMS: A BLESSING IN DISGUISE FOR BEREAVED PARENTS. Carla believes that dreams are opportunities to see your grief journey in a different slant, and to enable a sense of healing to occur.
My interest piqued I explored further. I was surprised to find a large amount of literature and information on such phenomenon. However, I have turned to just one book, “Grief Dreams: How They Help Heal Us After The Death of a Loved One” by TJ Wray and Ann Back Price, to share some key points with you.
The Four Main Categories of Grief Dreams:
The Visitation Dream: You are spending time with your loved one in this dream. The dream environment may be of a quiet and contemplative nature. Whilst you may love to have this occur often, it may just happen once. It is a blissful moment of reunion.
The Message Dream: This type of dream conveys some important information or instruction. Something you really need to know. It may include a message for someone other than you.
The Reassurance Dream: This is a very comforting and consoling dream. Offering a message of affirmation, it can confirm that your loved one is OK. It can also confirm they think you are doing OK too. It is an uplifting and positive dream and specifically for you, not someone else. Often in response to a question or concern, you have.
The Trauma Dream: These may be painful to experience. Often rehashes the circumstances surrounding the death of your loved one. However serves the purpose to allow you to slowly take in and digest what has happened. They are most common in the early days of grieving.
As well as allowing you to come to terms with what has happened, grief dreams in general promote:
1) A sense of connectedness and ongoing relationship
2) An unravelling and sorting of your emotions
3) A link to your life, your future, giving you insight and understanding
In Part 2 of this series I will outline how dreams speak to you, in a language all of their own, and what you can do to recall them more easily.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Shades of "Inception"…
Something I havent seen Roy……might check it out!
I love having those dreams. They are so comforting. I will never ever forget the dream I had of a dear friend, he died of a brain tumor at age 21. I was a wreck and could not seem to function. And then the dream came. He sat on the end of my bed and told me he was ok and that I had to live my life and stop worrying about him. I was able to go on after that. Still miss him, but go on.
What a special dream for you to have Lalia – beautiful
Those dreams are so special. I also find that both my father and grandfather are very supportive in times of stress. I just wish my father would stop saying that I made my bed and need to lie in it.
Is that a waking dream Roberta – comfort comes in many guises
Have had both – usually in that state just before waking when solution comes. It was one of his favourite expressions. Always said with love and his full support so not unkind but definitely no bail out offer either
I had one “Visitation Dream” a couple of weeks after my dad died. He was sitting in a chair and seemed relaxed and happy. I started to ask him questions, “Where are you?” and “What are you doing?”
He had a strange look on his face and said he couldn’t tell me.
I was happy to see that he was no longer sick and suffering, but I was really puzzled at his response. Some people would say that it “was just a dream.”
I will try to get a copy of this book.
Dreams of our loved ones can be so comforting Janette, even though they might not give us all the answers we want
I do not dream of my daughter to much and I wish I would. My dream I most love alot is when I just wanted one more hug from her and she came to me in my dream, didn’t say anything, but just gave me a big hug. I dream mostly of when she was little. I miss my daughter so very much still and it’s been almost 7yrs sense she passed. I cry alot for her and can not stop missing her so. I wish this pain would go away and there are people who think I should have moved on by now. That upsets me and sometimes I think why haven’t? I don’t feel this pain so deep will ever go away. Thank you Maureen for all your posts and your understanding of losing someone we loved so dearly.
Well the quote got me, Maureen! I love that!
But I never knew about dreamwork facilitators. How interesting and really enjoyed learning about this. Thank you for sharing.
I learn something new every day Lynn too. Thanks for your feedback.
Hi Maureen,
My gosh yes that quote definitely is alive with emotion is it not? I knew nothing about these dream categories although it all makes a lot of sense. Thank you for the informative and inspiring post.
~Marcus
Thanks Marcus – great you could stop by
<u sister who I was more of a mom to than anything passed away in 2006. We were so very close. Anyhow, a couple of nights ago I dreamed she came to me and sat down next to me and put her head in my lap and I gently stoked her hair. We didn't speak. After a time she said it was time to leave. I didn't want her to go but she faded away.. This is the second dream. The first one she came and sat with me on a bus. We rode together sitting close and enjoying each other. It felt so real. She then once again left. I don't understand these dreams.
Dreams can be difficult to work out the meaning Trudy as they are symbolic. Pt 2 in my dream series will give you some tips ~ Maureen
I have commented on this site before, and again I want to point out death is not the only way we suffer grief. I have been in deep grief for nearly 2 years due to my husband of many years leaving me. And to add to that, he has already remarried; not a year afer he divorced me. I have had many dreams…and they make me depressed and seem to stop my forward progress, so I don't look forward to them. But I have been enjoying your site and I will heal too. Thanks for being there for so many.
Sandra… You are right when you say the death of a loved one isn’t the only circumstance where we grieve. Grief can occur over the loss of anything, including a marriage. I know. Years ago, I divorced and then met my second husband, my soul mate. Due to his illness and complications beyond my control, we separated, lost our home and he died last year. I understand grief. You are not alone in your feelings. Your loss is as real as if your ex husband had died. I’m so sorry you’re in pain. When I went through my divorce, it took me a couple of years before I could forgive my ex husband for his mistakes. What I learned about the process of forgiveness, was that it made me a better person, inside and out. I no longer dragged around that “anchor” of anger, hatred and resentment. To be honest, I hated feeling like that and was glad to rid myself of all that negative energy. It takes a lot of soul searching, the same soul searching we do when someone dies or something we love is gone forever. As far as my late husband, I continue to work towards understanding and accepting his death and finding my new life without him. It’s an ongoing process and not easy by any means. I hope in time you will find happiness and peace.
Where is part 2 of Dreams?
My G'ma is 98 & could not accept her death so went into dementia. Nanny is full of fear also. About everything. I was afraid of everything at the moment. The bad 'breathing' dreams never came again. I told my Nanny not to be afraid. The fear left me & I have a sense that mom is in Heaven, doing wonderful, completely well & healthy & very happy. So – it had a message – 2 in fact. Death is not to be feared. She is in a wonderful afterlife so I will see her again & she is healthy & happy. Lots of comfort from that dream.
I want to share a couple dreams that brought huge comfort. My mom passed in December. I was with her & then left in her apartment for the next couple of months. I was really afraid there alone & afraid she'd come 'see' me or something. I didn't want any of that 'supernatural' stuff happening! So night after night I had horrible dreams of begging mom to 'breathe' (lung CA). Trying to help her breathe etc. It was torture for me as I did see Cancer take her last breath & Oh how she suffered before that moment! Anyway – those dreams were relentless & nightly for 6 weeks. Then I had this special dream & no more nightmares again. Mom called me on a White Telephone with a cord on it. She said "HI" – very happily! I said "MOM" & she said: "Give up the fear – I had a wonderful trip! Tell Mother to give up the fear – I had a wonderful trip & I feel GREAT!". The call ended just like that. She sounded so young & healthy!
An awake dream/vision happened when I was worshipping at Church. I saw my mother worshipping beside me, tears filling her bright blue eyes & rolling down her cheeks. This was especially healing as I had watched the 'blue' fade from her eyes as she passed & I knew I would never see her blue eyes again. Oh Healing! She was worshipping God around the throne just like I was worshipping God in Church. Finally we had the same beliefs going on; both of us at complete peace & filled with the gratifification of forgiveness & mercy & grace. We were uniting Spiritually.
Both have been exceedingly helpful to me. There are no more nightmares of the details I had feared. My sleep can be restless still – but if I focus on the message in the dreams - I am comforted. Thx for allowing a place to read & to share.
Dreams can be such a comfort to us in our grief and guide us to a deeper understanding of what is happening in our lives. Thanks for sharing Lisa, here is the link to Part 2 http://esdeer.com/dreams2/
I've experienced the visitation dream and the reassurance dream. But to call them dreams really doesn't describe the immense happiness, pure joy and deep love I felt physically and mentally during the experience and on waking.
I felt in every sense of the word, my sons strong arms holding me tight, I smelled him, I felt the love. I heard him tell me that ''it's ok mom, I'm ok, everything's gonna be ok'' And I believed him.
Thank you for this article…it's made my day x
How beautiful Mary that your son has come to you in this way…treasure the joy that has brought you and thank you for sharing the feeling. Their love and their presence always makes me smile because it affirms what I have always believed, they are with us always, as he always will be with you ~ Maureen
I was laying in bed a few nights ago on my side and I felt something getting into my bed.I was awake and it was moving right up behind me close to my back.It scared me at first for a second I couldn`t move.Then I said hi Bon Im getting up.Cause she would get into my bed to make sure I was awake for work.I told some family members what had happened and thay told me it was my imagination I said no it wasn`t cause I was awake and I felt her getting into my bed.It hasn`t happened since.But I can always tell when she is present cause she always wore Elizabeth Taylors white diamonds perfume.And I smell it alot in my home and I feel a cool breeze when she is present.I just wish she would talk to me.She passed away december 29 2011 at home and I miss her so much I would give anything to have her back but I know she is not in pain anymore and that I will see her again someday.And I cannot wait for that day to come.I want to thank you Maureen for shairing your sight.God Bless you and your family.
I've had several dream/connections with my 2nd husband (only 2 years married, but The love of my life). The first was personal and came the first night that I slept after his passing; but the most comforting was the 2nd in which he was a bit younger then he was at his passing. I was of an older age, although not of my current age. Willie was a paratrooper returning from war. I do not recall nor was it evident what war it may have been, or, even if it was a future war, I do not know. The fact that he was a Paratrooper seems odd because of his fear of heights. Nonetheless, he was being rewarded with medals and various other honors. His appearance was exactly as I would imagine. His hair combed as it was in his youth, the DA that he wore his entire life, his eyes piercing with the good humor that always crinkled his eyes at the corners, and his face lit with his smile. My Mother, much younger than now was also there awaiting his return, as is his daughter, somewhat younger than she is now.
Others came to me before he arrived advising me of the honors he was to receive. Usually medals and honors would be bestowed in a formal setting and this was what appeared to be our home. The front windows looking out to a grassy lawn sloping towards some type of water, lake or river I could not tell. There were geese and other water fowl swimming. I was seeing all of this peripherally, rather than specifically and have no idea if it has any meaning.
When Willie arrived I felt all the emotions you would expect after a long separation. His first hug was strong and loving. It was evident he had been gone for quite some time and was as happy to see me as I was him. His lips on mine lingered as they did on our wedding day and I was above joyous.
My dream ended with a conversation he and my Mother were having about property that was for sale; size of the property and the size of the house that could be built. It was evident he had no interest in the upcoming ceremony and I feel that he was retiring from or being discharged from his military position to begin private life.
My feeling of his presence and the happiness of seeing him remained and is with me yet. I don’t know what the meaning is of this dream, but assures me that he is with me still.
I had a dream about my son who was killed in a RTA. . .in the dream my eldest son was saying mum remember john has to go back I was allowed to put my fingers through his beautiful soft hair before he had to return i was so upset for the rest of the day,but i now know that i had a chance to do that one last time.
My husband was also killed in a car crash 3 years ago,and my dream about him was. . i saw him coming down stairs and his face was so white. .he had a lady with him and she was all dressed in white,he told me he was so sorry,and i asked him where he has been as i had been looking for him. .again he said sorry and that he would have to go with the lady…later i wondered if that he came to me with an angel by his side.I miss them both so very much.
Wonderful article! I have had dreams about my loved ones. Each one as unique as they!
When I have dreamed of my father he appears as he did in the photos I have of him as a young man. Jet black hair, tan, handsome, and he is always getting ready to catch the train to Florida, he is light-hearted and smiling a lot.
I had a dream of my sister where she was sitting on the side of the bed where I was sleeping and in my dream I woke up to see her. I started to cry and said, “you died, you died I miss you so much.” She holds me and looks at me and says, “I am fine, now you need to be fine too. OK?” This dream came after a particularly difficult day.
And then I had a dream of my mother who came to visit me at home. She said she needed to use the bathroom and out of habit I went to help her walk. She took off her jacket and said to me, “That is ok, I am good. I can run now.” In real life as she lost her balance more and more and needed assistance she would say, “I wish I could run again”
Thanks for sharing these amazing dreams Marsi, they are very special ~ Maureen
my son died in a traffic accident last year and i always worried did he have time to be afraid. i had a dream shortly after his service where he was standing in front of me and said “i didn’t see it coming”. it was really vivid and comforting to me.
Wow! What a beautiful affirming dream from him Mary, that would have been so very comforting ~ Maureen
I have lost my parents and one of my sisters all within a few years. My sister and mother passed within a 4 month span of time. It was devastating. But they all have shown up in my dreams.
My mother had a difficult time with her balance and eventually was not able to walk on her during the last two years of her life. While she was still able to walk I would walk behind her holding onto for balance and support. She would often say, “I wish I could run again. Run up stairs, run down the street.”
After her death I had a dream she walked into our house, I was so happy to see her I started to cry. I remember just feeling absolute joy. She told me she needed to use the bathroom and as she went to walk toward the bathroom I went to hold onto her like I use to to help her. My mother turned to me and said, “You don’t need to help me like that anymore. I can run now.” And with a little skip she walked away.
I woke up in tears. Missing my mother and so happy that now she could run again,
My father will show up in my dreams and when he does he is a young man. Tall, tan and beaming with health and happiness. The dream always ends with him having to catch the train to Florida!
The visitation dream with my sister was simple but intense. I was sleeping in her bed when it happened. In my dream I woke up in her bed and she was sitting next to me. I sat up and touched her and said, “You are dead. I want you back. Please come back.” I started to cry. She leaned toward me and put her hands on my shoulders and said, “I am OK Marsi. Now you need to take care of yourself and be OK too,” When I woke up I didn’t know if I dreamed it or if she was really there with me.
They sound very meaningful and special dreams Marsi, thank you for sharing them ~ Maureen
My mother died one year ago in front of me, I had a few dreams with her in them, but she was always mad at me in them. I would be crying in those dreams asking her not to leave me, but she was always mad and I never understood why. Then I remember getting off work one day, and it was a bad day for me. I cried myself to sleep with her ashes. Then after I fell asleep, I was woken up by something that came into my room. Im not sure if I was awake. It was like I was still dreaming but I could see my room, feel everything and hear and see everything, but I couldnt move. And everything was still kinda fuzzy. Whatever it was came into my room, sat on my bed, and touched my leg. They told me that everything was going to be okay, move on and be happy. But I didnt hear them say it, I felt it. My friends tell me I was problably just dreaming but it felt so real. Since then I’ve had a little peace with my mom passing, but I still wish I knew what the dreams I had of her being mad at me meant. Then on dec 12, 2012, my ex boyfriend/bestfriend Jeremy died in his sleep. Im severly depressed about it since it was only a little over a month ago. I had a few dreams of him since his passing, but none that I could understand or even really remember. But I dreamed of him last night again, and this time we were kinda hangingout, and we were about to go on some trip to Florida. But in the dream he was crying and I think I knew he was going to die. I just wish I knew why he was crying in my dream. If he was visiting me in my dream wouldnt he be happy and wouldnt it have been comforting? I just dont understand and I wish I knew what these dreams meant. Also I remember him jumping into a pool and we were smoking margijuana. Someone please help me understand what these dreams mean. Im hoping I can have a reassuring dream from both my mother and jeremy so I can know they are okay.
I’m so sorry Katie of your heartache and your dreams that are so difficult to work out. Dreams can be complex at times and seem to make no sense at all. Sending you blessings and may your future dreams come to you bring much welcomed moments of comfort ~ Maureen