So many of you loved my short video on grief rituals the other day where I spoke about candles and shared my candle lighting ritual to connect with my son. I loved hearing what some of your special ones were too.
Today I wanted to talk about our daily rituals. Those things we do habitually and regularly. We talked a little about how we can use them in our grief let’s look at our life.
In life we might have certain rituals for our day to day:
Showering with the same soap.
Having a coffee or tea first thing in the morning.
Cooking a certain meal on a specific day.
Turning on the TV to watch the news every night.
These have become some of our habits and give some structure and direction to our lives. It seems natural then that in our grief many of our behaviours and actions will become habitual too. Some of these habits will serve us well, some not so.
Here are some of the habits that may not be serving us very well:
Spending time with people, who don’t get it, will never understand and suck the very life blood out of us. We have to go to bed when we get home or we get so angry with them we think we’ll explode if we have to do that one more time.
Watching TV to get rid of the moments of loneliness but getting trapped in the violence, in the hatred, in the pain of others that makes us feel even more down than we already are.
Staying in an environment that we know isn’t good, isn’t healthy, isn’t supportive but we just can’t see a way out.
Punishing ourselves with the defeating and berating conversations in our heads. Who needs enemies when we have ourselves doing such a good job?
Eating way too much comfort food or skipping meals altogether because it’s the only way we can deal with the pain in our heart.
Escaping with a few drinks into a state where our loss is not real cannot be real. Oblivion is sweet for a moment in time.
Doing it all alone because we don’t want to bother anyone, because we feel less somehow if we reach out and ask for help. Because there is no-one that can be there for us and anyway we deserve to hurt. This is our fault.
We’ve all been in some of these places, felt some of these things I am sure, I know I have. Yet what I have learned from my own grieving journey and from listening to many others share their stories with me is that we can all do something, make some small change that will help us in some way. It is often in the small things that we do, in the tiny changes we make in our day to day that makes bigger changes in our life overall. It is never easy and we need to do it when it’s right for us, but we can do it.
We may not even know except with the benefit of hindsight just what a positive impact that one small thing has made to our lives. But as we respectfully begin to let go of the people, places and things that are no good for us any more we can begin to fill their place with those things that do support, nourish and allow us to be who we are in our grief and as we grieve. Then healing will have a place to begin.
I'd love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Maureen,
Today article really hit home. I have spent too much time with people that don't get it and it has been a source of more pain for me. It has been 14 months since my husband Jerry of 36 years has died.I have lost friends since he died, because they just don't get it and it is another lost for me .
Thank you for your website. It does help
Louise
Thank you for the great article Maureen! You're right on when you talk about the negative people who just don't get it. I can be alright if they just don't understand, but when the people you care about just up and vanish at the worst possible time of your life, you know they didn't really care that much to begin with. I have been there with loved ones when they faced their own tragic loss, far before I faced my own. It wasn't easy, but I didn't turn my back on them because I knew they needed me. The most common misconception is that you have to have some profound words to say or be capable of doing something to ease their pain. The truth is, you simply can't. Nothing you say or do is going to bring their departed back to them, which, in reality, is the one thing that can ease the pain. Being there for a grieving person is actively and empathetically listening, talking to them, just sharing silence or memories. It's being present with them, just being there, doing whatever it may be that they need at that moment. Sometimes they need a shoulder to cry on, sometimes beating a tree to get the anger out….everyone deals differently, but just knowing there is someone they can count on when they need it is key. That's what I think anyways.
Very true Jen, thanks so much for sharing ~ Maureen
I understand now what a friend of mine was suffering with years ago. Her husband died at 52 years of age and she just didnt seem to move on. Some people weren't supportive of her and didnt understand her inability to move on. I realise now that sometimes your heart can be so broken it doesn't repair quickly or easily. Time is an unknown quantity and therefore "time will heal" doesn't really tell how long that is !!! It takes however long it takes. And with the support of good friends we may get to that healed time. Hang on to those that understand. They are a rare breed!!
Dear Maureen
is it possible to purchase your two books " The Courage Handbook" and "Remember with Love" in hardcopy form,please rather than by downloading, as I find this a much more beneficial way to read them.
I desparately need something to read on a daily basis for courage and strength and "The Courage Handbook" sounds exactly like what I am looking for.
Many Thanks
Lee
Hi Lee – at this stage no they are not available in hardcopy, though it is possible to print them out. This is something I will be working towards in the coming year. I am also looking at making the Courage Handbook available in a kindle version ~ Maureen
I like to have coffee in one of my brother's cups. This allows me to think of him and the love we shared first thing in the morning. I also copy certain mannerisms that bring a smile to my face. When he toothpaste was getting low, Steve would use the stem of his toothbrush to flatted the tube to get all the toothpaste out! I do the same…its a way to bring a smile to my heart and keep his memory alive!
Thank you, thank you, I really needed to hear that! Your messages really help because I know they are from someone who is ahead of me on the road that am traveling now.
Dear Maureen,
My father passed away in January of 2010 and my husband two months later in March. I am at the point where everyone thinks I should "get over" it. Well, I'm not. My children (now ages 16 and 18) are still grieving as well and don't understand why God took their dad from them. I have tried to explain to them that it's all part of a bigger plan we don't understand at this time. I don't even understand it yet.
I miss my husband more than I ever thought possible. And losing my dad two months prior, half of the time I don't know who I'm grieving. My children have acted out in ways I never thought was possible. Many days, I sit on the couch and cry. I don't shower everyday and dread the thought of appointments and other activities that make me leave my house. Furthermore, my house is a mess because I simply don't care.
I do see a therapist every week but it doesn't seem to help. I have dealt with depression most of my adult life due to a car accident I was in at the age of 16. My body was burned over 53% and half of my right foot was amputated. I am no longer able to work due to this condition.
I have lost 2 very close friends because they are "unable to deal" with me. They feel as if I'm on my pity pot and they can't "handle" that. I'm stuck and constantly wonder if I'll ever be able to function as a "normal" person again.
I just found your Facebook page yesterday so I haven't had the chance to read your recommendations regarding this matter.
Thanks for reading my post,
Sandy Schumacher
I think the greatest gift we can ever give ourselves Sandy is to be compassionate to ourselves in our grief and in the midst of the sorrow and deep hurt there can never be words for you. One day you will rise again, you will never be as you were that person has gone but you will be more than you ever thought possible. Never give up on you ~ Hugs Maureen