If we don’t do emotions much in our life we almost certainly will when we are grieving. We tend to avoid the “difficult” emotions and the strong emotions of life. We often put them in the too hard basket and divert them out of the way. This diversion becomes a whole lot more difficult when we are grieving. Our emotions will flow out of us in a constant stream of never ending turmoil as we attempt to keep our balance in the unfamiliar territory we find ourselves. It really does feel as if we are walking a tightrope. Some days we step out and walk ok, other days we’re wobbling all over the place. For much of those early days and months we’re flat on our back struggling to breathe. There is not even an upright in sight.
Many of you ask me, “Is what I am feeling normal, am I ok?” it’s why I wrote “What’s Normal” to let you know that no matter what you are feeling, you are very much OK. Whilst we will all experience and deal with our grief as individuals, there are some common emotions that many who grieve will go through.
Complete disbelief and numbness – “How could this have actually happened to us, to our family?” I think in those first few weeks our body protects us by trickle feeding our reality to us in bits and pieces. Our mind can’t absorb it all at once. We can feel zombie like, numb or totally “normal” at times as we deal with funeral arrangements, well-wishers and services, only to find we fall apart when it’s all over.
Anger – many of us will experience rage against the injustice of what has happened to our loved one, to us, to our lives. The most surprising thing often is that as well as our anger being directed towards a perpetrator, a medical institution or a third party, we can also find our anger is directed against those we love the most. It can be a member of our family, the person who has died. Our faith too, if we have one is also not immune, nothing is. The anger seeps out of our very pores. Accepting that this is a process, we each have to find our ways to express it and get it out of us in safe ways that do not become harmful to ourselves or others.
Incredible Sorrow- the pain of our loss cripples us. Never before did we know that grief was so physically painful as well as emotionally wrenching. Our tears can be our day and night companions or so obviously missing there is a gaping hole in our hearts where we think they should be. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. We wonder how we could ever survive such pain. How does anyone? It is so so overwhelming and devastating. Our heart has been ripped out and hangs outside of ourselves in tatters. Is it any wonder we cry and feel such sadness?
Guilt – if only we could go back and make it right, change it somehow. Change our part in things; it could have been so different, if only. If only we had done this…. we should have…..we could have. These thoughts go around and around and for many of us will take a great deal of soul searching to find forgiveness in our hearts for doing the only thing we could do at the time, our best with what we had and what we knew.
These are just a few grief emotions, you may know of all of them, many others or none of them. Your own experience of grief is yours and it will be as it is for you. Yours.
As we recognize the emotions that are impacting our life, as we express them and let them out of us, we make room again for more to come. For quite some time the more is painful. We’re releasing and refilling, we’re crying and then building up again. This is grief. Know that for every single moment of emotion you experience, you are grieving for someone you love with all your heart. There will come a time of ease, of softening, of lessening, of different.
Love – we love so very much. We love them from the very depths of our being. It is our love which will never fade, as our tears will fade. It is our love which will strengthen us as we begin to bring life back to us. As our grief changes and diminishes, our love stays true. It is our love which is always with us, no matter where our life may take us now. It is our love for them which will get us through, which will become stronger and bigger in our hearts. Let our love always be greater than our grief, let it become our legacy to them. Love.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you so much for your emails. All the things you write about always seems to come at just the right time for me. I really appreciate what you are doing. Much love from South Africa
Oh my. You have described me perfectly. Oh, how I wish my friends understood me.
I miss my mom with all I am. I am so thankful for your writings. I don’t feel quite so alone.
Blessings to you.
thank you…I’m almost 4 years in the grief process and this says it all so well.
My daily life is so difficult without my husband. I miss him so much and struggle to get through each day. I am working on that saying about “time doesn’t make it easier but HOW you spend your time does”. I’m trying so hard everyday. Thanks for all your help.
Thank you Maureen for all your comforting emails,they help a lot
YvonneLees
xx
i am some better in my grief but i still have bad days when i go to pieces i am trying thanks for your help DONALD
I have had all the grief emotions you have listed. It is good to know
they are normal. Thanks so much for you messages!
Larry Ross
Your emails have really helped me and I’ve shared them with many others. Today my son, Brian, would’ve been 43. We lost him in an accident just over 6 years ago. We’ve lost alot of friends and family in the last 10 years but losing a child is the worst. Lots of different emotions this morning. I work for Mental Health so that helps keep me sane! Thank you for your help. sorry for your loss, too.
Good Morning Maureen,
I have dealt with all the emotions you are talking about. One day is ok and the next I’m in a puddle again. It’s only been a year and almost 6 months now. Will be a year an a half on Sept. 28th. Life is just so difficult at times. Seems there are days still that I just go through the “motions” of living, as the song goes. I thank you so much for being in my life during this awful time. It makes me feel that I am not going crazy, that it’s all part of the grieving cycle. Still hard to accept but he’s gone from us and there is no bringing him back. It is easier than it was in the beginning but still very hard to believe, still. Thank you for being here for all of us. Love and hugs to you.
Marilyn Gnewikow
Thank you, Maureen. It’s good to know there is some one who understands our grief. There are many who don’t….has not been down that lonely road yet. You talk of keeping our love strong….I think my love for my husband is still getting stronger. He used to say it wasn’t necessary to TELL a person you love them, you SHOW them by your actions. But after he got sick, he couldn’t TELL me enough how much he loved me. He wasn’t able to do the things he once did to SHOW me. I knew he loved me, even without the words. He said he should have always told me. But love is something you feel in your heart…your soul…because I STILL FEEL his love surround me. I know he will always love me as I will always love him…..eternity!
Once again, you were right there when I needed you. I so needed to “hear” this today. There are times on this long journey that I need to know that I’m normal. Your sharing of your experiences, thoughts and lessons are helping me learn so much about this new way of life. Although I would have never, ever chosen this road, it is certainly a great comfort to know that you are here to help so many of us along the way. The words “thank you” seem so little for all that you do.
Maureen, you have been a true blessing and so uncanny,I look for your email, It’s like you you got up early and made the coffee so we could think and talk. You have been there for me, you talk to me where I am, thnak you from my heart. It’s been 6 months now since my husband Harvey passed away, Ausust 23 was his birthday and I buried his ashes. It’s been a hard 6 months, people want to make it better… or fix me but they can’t, I’m sorry I make them feel so uncomfortable, that just letting me be is so uncomfortable… makes it even harder. I continue to work, and that has been a blessing, it engages another part of me and allow me to “function” a little more
” normally”..but I am truly at peace on the water at or around sunrise kyacking on the river, it really does help to integrate the sadness and loss, I will never be the same person I was, it has been unspeakably sad, but the only way out for me is through, and I just need some time and space to be and you give me that. I just wanted t let you know how much I appreciate it. You have a beautiful gift.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Valerie
thank you so much for all of your writings. I read them every day. It is 20 months since my husband died and I was starting to feel more at ease and then something totally unrelated happened and i went back to square one. Working hard to get back on track for myself and my family .
Maureen I love reading your postings. Your words do help me. My husband passed on May 4, 2011. It has been 16 months now. I feel like I should be still devastated by his death but now I feel emotionless. I don’t cry anymore and only get teared up very seldom. What is wrong that I feel emotionally spent. Should I not be feeling sad and burdened and crying a lot since it has been such a short time. We were married 51 years, since I was 15 and he was 18. We had and raised four children and we have grandchildren and great grands. We shared so many things in our life together. We lost our parents and we lost our oldest daughter in 2003. We have raised her oldest three children. Why am I not feeling anything at this point? I thought I would be crushed for many many years and crying just like at the first of my loss. Am I normal or what is wrong with me?
Thanks for your help
Jacki Campbell
Sometimes grief can also numb us out Jacki and there also comes a time when we work through our grief, we begin to grow our life anew and our emotions change in intensity and frequency. You will know whether you feel lighter in yourself or not. Take each day as it comes and let yourself accept wherever you are in your grief journey ~ Maureen
It’s just been a year Aug 21st since I lost my mom. It has been the lonelist year of my life, although I have my dad, children, husband and grandchild, it’s hard to explain the emptyness. Your words have helped so much, knowing that others share some of what I have experienced makes me feel less alone. It has felt like a total out of body experience where i’m just going through the motions to function and the real me is just standing by watching. My dad started seeing someone 5 weeks after my mom passed because he doesn’t want to be alone, so this to has created some crazy emotions to deal with. Thank you.
I have been through all the stages of grief. I do however keep re-experiencing them (on a lesser strength) over and over. The only one that stayed strong is missing him. I will never stop loving and missing him. He was my husband and best friend.
Maureen,
Every time I receive an email from you, I delight in knowing that words of comfort are just a click away. The fact that you have turned your grief into a vehicle through which to help others is such a blessing. What a beautiful tribute to your son. You are amazing and an inspiration. I thank you sincerely.
Jan
Hi Maureen,
Thank you for your posts. I have experience ALL of these emotions, they still come and go at their own will. My son Justin was shot and killed a little over 14 months ago and the guilt stage is big time right now….”what if I would have done this”, “what if we didn’t move”, “what if he had different friends,” the “what ifs can go on forever. It racks my brain, over and over. But is there really a “what if?” or only “what is?” That will haunt me for a long, long time. It’s the Love emotion that is keeping me from sinking back into the dark hole. I am trying very hard not to let that happen. I love Justin more than my own soul and will for eternity. The 21 years he was with me were heaven. I realize because I love him so much, the incredible sorrow is still with me. Some days, I still can’t believe that he is not here, it seems impossible when I look at his picture and some days I think this still might be a bad nightmare, or I’m going a bit looney…..but I know it’s not, it’s real and I must deal with it somehow….for my daughter, my grandaughter (Justin’s daughter) and my husband. Justin would want us to help take care of his daugher and that is what we will do. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL MY SON, AND GOD WILLING I WILL SEE YOU WHEN IT’S MY TIME TO CROSS OVER.
Thank you so much for all of your wisdom and compassion for others. My family has lost a 23 year old nephew June 10 and now my daughter has lost her 25 year old boyfriend to a senseless shooting just sept 1. It is so much in so little time to deal with. I am so worried about her getting through this.
Hi Maureen…I’ve come a long way since the day my ill husband left and went to live with his mother and sister, where he died fourteen months later. The story must sound bizarre and I won’t get into details, other than to say, it was complicated and involved his gambling addiction. Like I’ve mentioned before, his family treated me badly for no reason other than jealousy, greed and hate and banned me from visiting him or speaking with him on the phone during his last months. He stopped calling me after many outrageous interruptions by his sister. And to avoid any further conflict and for my own self preservation, I too stopped calling him. The whole situation was tragic and no one could control it. Not the police, hospice nurses or county protective services. I met a lady in a store one day, who told me a similar story involving her sister and their terminally ill mother. Her sister and her husband, refused to let her visit while they cared for the mother in their home. This lady had to get a court order to visit her dying mother but, even armed with that, her family made visitation difficult but, had to allow it under our legal system. Looking back, I suppose I could have gone to the extreme of obtaining a court order for visitation however, my husband might have passed before court proceedings were completed and much like the lady in the store, our visits would have been very unpleasant. The circumstances I found myself in, caused me to grieve over the breakdown of my marriage, the loss of my home, the unimaginable behavior of my in-laws and ultimately, the death of my husband. The hurt was unreal and seemed unending to me but, I fought my way back from the depths of heartache and despair. I’ve done much soul searching through that experience and learned so much about myself, human behavior and loss. Now, I can reach out to other grieving people and truly understand how they feel. Had I not gone through this experience, I would not be where I am today. But, I also want to point out, you’ve played a role in this learning curve and your web site has given me an avenue to meet new friends, express my feelings, hear others and most importantly, to see I’m not alone. I still remember the day, I stumbled across your site, not having a clue what it was or how much it would help me. The work you do is so valuable and necessary for all of us and from what you’ve written, yourself as well. I really do believe things happen for a reason and when one door closes, another opens. The cycle of life! Thank you for caring and for putting so much of your time, effort and soul into your project. God bless…
Thank you so much for you wonderful emails Maureen. I look so forward to them as they always have one piece that totally “gets me”. I would love to hear what you have to say on the subject of “chronic sorrow”…that seems to be my biggest obstacle for me right now. Much love… Janet Lewis
Dear Maureen, Your emails have helped me because I don’t know what is normal anymore. This month will be 11 months since my beloved husband passed. Next month will be 2 years since my daughter and only child committed suicide. Between those dates, I lost 2 friends of 50 years who were family to me and a brother. 9 years ago, my nephew OD’d. He was my brother’s only child and my brother is still grieving. My grief is so deep, there are no words to explain. I’m apprehensive to mention to folks about my daughter’s death anniversary because I can see they think I should be over it or moving on. They have not walked in my shoes. It may sound silly but I know I am suffering anticipatory grief for upcoming anniversaries. I cannot believe I have survived this long without my loved ones. There have been many phases…antidepressants prescribed by MD which created more problems so I discontinued. Next MD said I should never have been given antidepressants because my feelings are bereavement and normal. He proceeded to give me Ambien to sleep and Xanax for anxiety and I have also discontinued. I do not like side effects from these drugs but sleep evade me. I saw a counselor recommended by MD but it was a disaster because she did not know how to treat grief. I am currently being treated by Chiropractor, Naturopath who introduced me to EFT that has helped me immensely with anxiety and guilt…http://www.tapping.com/ I intend to start massage therapy and homeopathic meds help me relax. I read Elisabeth Kubler Ross’ On Grief & Grieving an many other books on same subject. I watch The Compassionate Frineds Webinairs and they are helpful. I attended a Survivors of Suicide meeting but it was not good for me to hear of other parents losing their children to suicide. We each must find what helps us as individuals but this site has helped me immensely. Thank you so much. Blessings.
I’m feeling all of these emotions. It’s been one year now since I lost my son Matt and I still feel like it was yesterday. My whole world is upside down and everyone around me thinks I should be ok by now. I don’t know the only reason I even get out of bed is because of my other son Zach. They tell me I’m strong, but I’m not, I’m just good at hiding it I guess.
The picture of grief is exactly how I see the world since my brother died. The only solace I feel is that as his big sister, I never said no to him, all of his 50 short years on this earth. He was one of a kind. I have experienced all of the emotions that you descibe here and go back and experience them again, time and time again. There are no words to descibe how much you are helping so many people, just with your words , your writing, your insight and your caring. God bless you Maureen…so tired of being sad Dale
I lost my mom in January 2011 and one of my closest brothers, suddenly Nov 29, 2011. My mom lived with my husband and I for 17 years. I was her caretaker, with my sister til her death. I loved my mom so much and watching her suffer and then die killed me. Then while I was trying to struggle with my grief, my brother passes away suddenly. We were together the day before, actually crying and talking about our Mom. I still feel so depressed. I sleep a lot, am retired and work PRN as RN, but have not been doing so well at the job. I miss them both sooo much, and I cry a lot, mostly when I go to bed. I am struggling and seeing a therapist, but only get 4 more visits. I am a nurse, I know the stages of grief, but that does not help. I am a daughter and sister first, and I am hurting. Thank you for letting me vent.
Thank-you Maureen so much for continually being there to support so many of us all around the world. Your son who you lost, would be so proud of you. You have helped me personally through this site and on FB, and I am so grateful to you.I have many people in my life who have helped me in the last 5 years but your messages and emails often strike a note with me and provide a comfort that I haven’t found elsewhere. I really and truly feel that I have found a friend who understands and articulates exactly the words I often so badly need to read. Thank-you again so much.
Good Morning Maureen, You are such a special person to be out there helping so many of us go through our terrible losses. Yes, we’ve all been through all the emotions and still go through them when least expected. It’s nice to know that you do totally understand what we are feeling. I hate that you had to go through the loss of your son though. Yes, he would be very proud of you for being here for all of the rest of us that need your encouraging words to just get through each day and keep taking that “one step at a time”. I don’t think the pain will ever go away but we get through each day the best we can, for the rest of our loved ones that are with us still. As always, thank you for being here for all of us. I do look forward to your e-mails. They always make me feel better. Hugs and lots of love to you always, Marilyn
Thank you Maureen! You seem to always describe me in your writings. The emotion that I feel more than any is anger. My son Marty was perfect until walking into the hospital in Pinehurst, NC. The cardiologist spent so much time convincing him that he need an aortic valve replacement and naming the dr who should be performing the surgery. Marty was married and 34 and even with all my warnings and begging and pleading to get another opinion he decided to go there. He wanted to be proactive and get it behind him. If only he had listened. I blame myself everyday for not doing more to stop him. The dr was unskilled and arrogant and today he is still allowed to practice in another state. I blame the hospital and especially this man that calls himself a dr for the death of Marty. I called him a murderer in the hospital, because I know that he made mistakes to cause Marty’s death. I hope no one ever has to face an aortic valve replacement with him. BEWARE and check out dr’s. Marty was beautiful, a joy and did so much to help others. This dr caused more pain to me than he is ever capable of imagining. But more than anything my son is not here to enjoy his life and his precious little girls.
Becky Loflin
Marty Loflin’s Mama
Thank you for sharing how you are feeling right now and your beautiful comments and words of support. Thinking of you all and reaching out to touch your heart with love and compassion ~ Maureen
Today is one of the most gut wrenching days of my grieving. I ache so that I can’t imagine coming away from this whole. My beloved husband has been gone for four months now and I want him back. Thank you for your e-mails. I know that there will be days like this but the pain is just too awful. Your web site has given me some peace. Anne
It has been since july 2006 since lost my daughter due to passanger In auto accident..remembrr like it was ysterday. I am still so numb and dead. My body moves to life. But idk how..I have yet lost my other best friend my mother in july 2009. And I just don’t know what how. I’m just a shell. I seeked mental help..but if you haven’t lost a child yourself. You have no clue.. its the worst pain ever. And I’m so sorry for the loss of anybody. But I still am here. But I’m just going thru this shell of mine.
The understanding of others who have been before us can do so much to help us Angela. Sending heartfelt thoughts to you right now. If you havent yet, you may find my free email series helpful to you. Here is the link http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/ ~ Maureen
Hi Maureen,
I miss your FB page!
I have reverted to anger. I’ve been this way since Dad went to the surgeon over a month ago. (A refresher: My Mom has esophageal cancer and passed dec 5, 2011…My Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer Feb/May 2012). Dad had the surgery in October, and has been back to the surgeon since. They think that there is still some left. His PSA has increased (minutely) and they want him to do tests and possibly radiation. I don’t know how to do this again. I’m SO ANGRY!!! I started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago, which helps but the anger is everywhere. the only places it dissipates is at home and at the barn. Since he saw the surgeon yesterday, the stress is up. I don’t know how to do this.
Kelly
Sending you love Kelly, it must be such a hard time for you x