We can be engulfed in a dense cloak of grief so dark that it’s impossible to see beyond the folds that smother us and smother our life. The heavy black ensnares us and we have trouble seeing anything but darkness. We become lost in the cloak of our story, blackened by our very devastating loss.
How do we begin to see light returning and the grip of our cloak loosening?
One of the ways for myself was to be with what I was naturally drawn to, something I felt at home with. Those things in my life that wrapped around me in different ways, nurturing and sustaining me. They became my ‘companions’ through my grief and later I was able to say my pleasures.
Of course, in the beginning, there is no pleasure, there is nothing but pain, everything else is meaningless. So we just go through the motions of getting through and trying as best we can. But in that act of doing and being with our ‘things’ we loosen the cloak around us a little. Something that we may not recognise till later, in retrospective, but which our heart and soul give thanks for immediately.
Here’s what got me through – my 5 things:
Nature – Having some connection with the natural world was so very healing for my being. Our wonderful world can be a tremendous help as our senses open up to life. We hear the birds, feel the wind rustling through the trees. We can see beauty outside of us when there is none in our heart.
My Jessie girl – My beautiful dog made me get up, made me do something other than lay down and die myself. Having a pet to focus on can be a huge motivator and nurturer in our grief. We have to feed them, walk them and cuddle our sorrow into them and breathe back their unconditional love.
Journaling – I write so I wrote. Poems, letters and dreams. Words on a page sometimes in BIG HUGE letters about my BIG HUGE feelings. It all came tumbling out with my tears and later with some smiles as well. My journal still gets me through any stumbling blocks that come my way and now I buy the most glorious ones I can find.
My Family – They are so important to me and no more so after having the unpredictability of life come crashing through my front door. I love them, appreciate them and spend time with them feeling forever grateful for their love and support in return. Some people I know with no family or estranged families have gone on to find new families in other wonderful people or chosen to reach out and support those in need, bringing much needed connection back into their lives.
Reading – I couldn’t tell you the numbers of books I read about grief. I wanted to know everything including was I normal and how long was this unbelievable pain going to last? Books are my fact finders, my solace, my inspiration, my escapism and my fun.
So what are your 5 things, what is going to help or is getting you through? We all need them. I used to say “I need all the help I can get!”
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes, I like walking and getting out into nature. Also the writing and reading different books about grief and some lighthearted stuff as well. I have also started meditation which is tough for me as I cant sit still. I have bought a white board and write down quotes to help me on my way. I have no family nearby so have to rely on friends – who have been marvellous. Of course , there is the internet with sites like this one that is so helpful.
I do agree with this. My journey was different in that not only was I grieving for the death of my husband (of only 7 weeks) but I was having to focus on healing from the life threatening injuries that I sustained in the accident that had killed my husband. As strange as it seems, I believe that having to focus on my physical healing seemed to easy the burden on my grief. I had no choice to but to focus on this. And as I did heal I found that I so much stronger than I knew.
I do love nature, especially birds. I recieve many signs from Joe in nature. I also have our dog Baron who I adore and he adores me back. I enjoy adding comments for others on Facebook to comfort them. I enjoy my therapy sessions with my grief counselor. I enjoy dinner out from time to time with friends.
Dear Maureen,
Thank you for writing this thoughtful article. After I lost four family members in 2007, including my elder daughter, I sat down at the computer and vowed to write my way through grief. I kept this promise and nothing has helped me as much as writing. As the months and years passed, I decided writing grief resources was something I was meant to do. Six resources have come from this promise to myself.
Harriet lovely to hear from you. I have read many of your articles at Open to Hope about your role as grandparents parenting after the loss of your beautiful daughter. It is such a blessing not only to ourselves but to others, the gift of writing. How proud she would be of you.
In the early times, when the pain was intense and continuous, sex. It was, for me, the only thing powerful enough to temporarily block out the pain. It helped provide some much needed respite. I guess we could distinguish between those activities that provide escape or respite and those that activily help us deal with our grief. Sometimes, experiences become a symbol that we are reinvesting in life again. A turning point,for me, came when my father gave me a clematis. I had always loved and admired these plants and for some reason never planted one. Strolling in my garden one morning I noticed it had come into bud and realised I was looking forward to seeing it flower. It was the first time, after the death of my son, that i was aware of looking forward to anything, a simple but beautiful moment in my journey.
Literally taking one minute at a time, journalling and listening to my body. If I felt tired I would lie down and rest. If I was energetic, I would take advantage and clean or do something constructive. Now that I think about, I still do this to a more or lesser degree. A huge part of my healing has been prayer. I find tremendous comfort and serenity. I can be feeling terrible and taking time out to pray or talk to G-d gives me such peace.