I’ve been thinking about you today and I’ve decided to do something I’ve never done before……..
Dealing with grief is tough. It takes guts to plough through the emotions day in day out and it can be exhausting. So I was thinking what will help to give you a boost, inspire you and ease your day just a little.
Earlier this year I “Spoke my Truth” by becoming a featured author in "Speaking your Truth VOL II". Its 308 pages jam packed full of courageous stories from inspiring women. Stories to comfort you, surprise you, fill you with hope and touch your heart.
One special person is going to get their very own FREE copy delivered to their home.
All you have to do is “Speak your own Truth” by answering these two questions for me:
Question 1: When you consider living your life after such profound loss, what is the greatest challenge you face right now?
Question 2: Now fast forwards a little and tell me what does your life look like now, without that challenge?
Your best answer is what I'm looking for to receive a copy of “Speaking Your Truth Vol II”. Comments close on Tuesday January 17th at 10.00pm EST(Wednesday January 18th 11.00 am West Australian time).
Please post your answers in the comments section below!
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Maureen, the greatest challenge i am facing right now is fighting the battle within myself wondering if i did everything i could as my brothers caregiver to help him fight his battle with cancer. i was the one he leaned on to be the strong one and i wonder if we would have just gone to the Cancer Treatment Center in Chicago if they could have done more. He was so amazing and wanted to beat the cancer for his children,
If I didnt have this battle (challenge) within myself, i think it would be easier to heal. This year has been such a whirlwind but i am grateful to you for your free email series to help me with this healing process. If I didnt have to face this challenge, I wouldnt feel so much pain on the inside and not have to work so hard to fight through the pain to enjoy life. I am trying so hard to stay positive and ask myself what would "Mom, Dad and Michael want for me?
Melissa – there will always be the what ifs, could I have done more…grief is indeed a battle, thats why I call those who are grieving warriors, they are waging a war daily and engaged in a battle of the mind, the emotions and the body. Oftentimes in the fighting against the pain, the pain resists and grows stronger. Let it ebb and flow through you, knowing that as it does so freely it will more easily pass through. You will then find yourself adjusting to and adapting to your pain and with your intention…healing will come. Hugs ~ Maureen
I have to remember its not my fault my baby died. That I had no control over it. This is hard for me.
.this challenge is going to be hard to over come but when i do I will be in a better place physically and emotionally
Angie my heart goes out to you, I am so very sorry about your beautiful baby. We are so quick to blame ourselves and spend so many hours rehashing how things could have been different, and what we could have done. It’s a very difficult thing to make sense of, it’s a working through, a processing of it all. Try to find a gentleness of spirit for yourself as you do this and know that healing will come gently to your soul. Hugs ~ Maureen
Hey Maureen,
This sounds amazing. Not only for the free give away but also for the wonderful responses it might bring. Here's my answer:
1. After the terrible loss of my best friend two years back, I though life would never be the same again. Going back to the daily grind without having your friend being present was the toughest thing to accept. All I kept thinking was how will I lead my life now, without that vital person being there for me at all times and how does every one else expect me to be the same person again. Will I ever be the same person again?
2. Though it is hard to come to terms to normal life again; we just to believe that no amount of force or no amount of sadness can bring her back. Also, believing that she wouldn't have wanted you to live a life of such deep sadness. She is around, she will always be there in my memories, in thoughts. Just remembering that she wanted me to be the strong one, and that is just what I will be. It does take time.
Hajra recently posted..Will they call you over for a bloggers party?
Hi Hajra great to hear from you. Losing a special friend means losing so much of oneself too. I don’t believe our life is ever the same again, or that we are ever the same person again. Each life experience grows us in some way and gifts us and such it is with grief and loss. It evolves us into a new version of ourselves and it really is up to us what that version is. I don’t think any of our loved ones would have us suffer. I think they would want us to live our life in a meaningful way and find moments of joy and a spark for life once more. I am sure she blesses you with her spirit often ~ Maureen
My daughter left us 3 years ago this May she was born mentally handicapped which i accepted she needed 24 hour care all of her life which i willingly gave her as i loved her deeply. when Jenny reached 25 things started going wrong in August 2008 she was diagnosed with Hallervorden Spatz Disease not one of the doctors we saw knew anything about this condition and no support group total on our own we had to face this problem and outcome of not knowing what could happen sadly Jen died on May 4th 2009 which i still find it hard to deal with as i feel Jenny was my daughter and as her mother i feel i should have protected her from this. This leaves a massive hole in my life even to this day i find every day to go on as hard as the first.I also need to know she is alright and deep down i feel she needs me or maybe its i need her RIP Jenny love you so much mummy xxxxx
2 Some times i feel that the only way is to be with Jenny and i have thought on this several times Then i think how selfish im being and only really thinking about my own feelings. my challenge right now is my other beautiful daughter who also lost a sister.Jessica has got 5 children and another on the way. I must believe Jenny is in a safe place and start being the mum/nan that i was before all this ilove them all so very much. We always include Jenny in many things we do. my main challange now is to except that i did the best of everything i could do for her and realise i had no control over what happened and leave her to RIP>
Margaret (Maggie) losing a beautiful child is so very very hard. And when your relationship was so intertwined physically and emotionally it becomes very difficult. I think there is always the feeling of not doing enough, the shouldve, couldves and we can cripple ourselves with our harshness, something we wouldnt impose on our friends. I think it is a natural thing to want to be with those we have lost because we miss them so. Which is why it becomes so very important to keep a strong connection with them, to bridge our two worlds wherever we can. I am not sure of your belief system but a book I would recommend if you are open to life after death is “Survival of the soul” by Lisa Williams. It may just give you a sense of knowing, a sense of comfort to ease your heart. Heartfelt blessings to you ~ Maureen
1.It has been 7 and a bit years since my daughter Zoe passed and has just gone 10 years in October since that horrendous call from the doctor saying that we needed to have her in Melbourne that night. Twenty one months of grueling treatment, and a bone marrow transplant has left some shocking memories of her suffering and this is my biggest hurdle to over come. Letting go of the flashbacks that still randomly enter my mind is definitely my biggest hurdle. It breaks my heart that she had to endure so much, and still died. She fought the battle of her life. She did go into remission but the treatment was so harsh that she died from complications of graft verses host disease.
2. It is really difficult to let go of these flash backs as the randomly just come to mind. Many things can trigger these painful thoughts so trying avoid medical shows or the like is just one of the strategies that I use, other times I have to just sit with the pain. I guess I can accept that she had to leave but not the way she went. Noone deserves that.
If I could forget all the painful memories then I wouldn't have such a huge hole in my heart and maybe could accept that it was Zoe's time to go a little more easily. I guess as time goes by the pain is not so intense. When Zoe first passed, I used sedatives to sleep because the flashbacks were so bad. I do think that I function very well most of the time, just every now and then the painful memories surface.
Thanks Maureen xo
Aileen, I cant begin to imagine how very hard that must have been for you. I was listening to Lisa Williams today on her radio show where she speaks of suffering and the difference between our body and our soul. Fill yourself up with each and every little thing that brings solace to your heart. As each day passes may the light of Zoe fill your heart with love and blow away all those images that linger in the crevices of your mind. Love Maureen x
what awsome responses from the ladies above, makes me feel like I shouldn't even be here.
I feel like my whole life for the last 10 years, has just been one major loss after another. I lost my gorgeous beautiful nephew when he was 14 weeks old, I had flowen to England to meet him and spent a wonderful 6 weeks getting to know him, I gave him my heart, came home and was rung up 3 nights later to be told he had died. Until I had been with AJ I don't think I had ever loved anyone with all of my heart. I came out as a lesbian, lost all my friends and support groups from church, and from work – was working in a christian agencey. I lost my job due to my sexual identity, and have gone through several other major life stress events, cumulanting in my developing a major depression and basically wanting to be dead, which continued on for several months until the right mix of medications was found. My partner left me as she couldn't deal with the symptoms of depression. The major challenges I faced was to find, and maintain a faith in God that would sustain me, and nurture me.
I have maintained my faith, I have learnt what a feeling is, and how to take ownership of them instead of ignoring and denying them.When I planed to end my life no one had any idea as to how bad my head thinking was,
In going back to work I found that fellow health proffessionals are very judgemental of other health proffessionals with depression, I couldn't lie in a job interview, which cost me a couple of jobs. Apart from learning to live with depression the bigest challange is learning how not to hate my ex partner, the number of nights I use to go to be wishing she was dead, wanting to make her really suffer, proved to be a challenge, as normally I am a fun loving, compassionate accepting person, I was really shocked to see the hate and venom that was contained within my heart, not to mention the self doubt and self hate this produced.
What I see for the future is being able to meet with her socially and not want to run away or hate her, but have a reasonable conversation,. Grieving is a journey, I don't believe we ever get rid of our grief, I believe that we learn to live with it, in a way that is not self destructive to self or others, that we learn to live with the pain.
For it is out of the dark times, in the midnight hour that we can see things we could not see in the light, I look at my life, and it is during the dark times, that I see the personal growth and development, good and bad, day and night, life and death etc, the double sided coin. We can not know true joy until we have experienced true sadness.
I’m not sure of your name, but I thank you for sharing your losses in your own life and your experiences of grief. It takes great courage to be vulnerable and it takes great courage to be authentic and in doing so you not only free yourself but also bless others. Your experiences of life have shaped and grown you, have gifted you and greated you. I wish you happiness and the eventuation of the conversation you envisage. Hugs ~ Maureen
My greatest challenge 2 years on since our son died suddenly, is believing that there was nothing my husband or myself could have done to prevent it….or was there..and the sharp pain of the split second that you wake and 'forget' that he is dead before realising he is…..
Most of the time I can accept what has happened and that it cannot be changed. Most of the time I know in my heart I can be possitive and enjoy my life without guilt…the guilt of 'did we do enough for him growing up, were we there for him, was it our fault, why didn't we see he was possibly depressed'' I don't like being called 'strong', but I suppose I am, I have to be to carry on without wanting to give up on living. That hope and my faith keeps me going.
Thank you for your words. They have helped a lot.
Thank you Mary. I think guilt is something every parent who has lost a child deals with at some time or other. It’s just not how things should be, not being able to protect them forever. It sits around our life, this accepting, this getting to grips with it all. I am glad you have hope and faith strong in your heart, they will serve you well. Blessings ~ Maureen
My challenge is to find the right people to be around. I beieve in coping skills to be the answer not crying all day long. When I have gone to some meeting about suicide the people seem so lost and project the message that we must feel this way forever. I disagree with them but must allow them to feel in their own way. They tell me two years is the timetable for when it gets better, I disagree but don't say anything. My daughter passes from suicide 4 months ago, so am I weird? Yes, I have my days of missing her but it does not consume me, she would not want that.
I want to give the gift of coping skills to others without feeling guilty. I want to do the things in life that I did before her passing, start living my life, my way. Helping others get stronger telling them there is NO timetable on length of grief, We have choices and have to create a New Normal for ourselves and want to spread the word.
Hi Linda, I am so very sorry to hear of your daughter. Losing a child is something often there are no words to describe. There is no timeline for grief. It waxes and wanes, it comes and go. It is full of emotion and devoid of emotion. It is raging and quiet. It is accepting and denying. It has no end point but there becomes an assimilation of our loss into ourselves and into our life. I am sure your daughter would be watching and loving you as you step into your path Hugs ~ Maureen
The greatest challenge I have right now is to get over this feeling of being so alone, although I have so many family and friends I still feel as if I am all alone. I want to have the memories of all the good times and times when he was well but all I see is his last moments and him leaving me, I was right by his side when he passed away and now that is the only thing I can see. Right now since this is all new I feel like my life will never be the same without him, I just dont feel like I can be happy about anything. I find myself so consumed with my grief that I dont think about how my children are dealing with theirs. I am trying to be strong for my children for I dont want them to worry about me or get upset when I am upset. They seem to be handling it allot better than me and they tell me they are ok. They tell me it will get easier for me, but lately things seem to be getting harder. I so miss him and always will. Right now my biggest challenge is to get on with my life but right now I just dont see having a good life without him.
Marie be gentle on yourself and give yourself the gift of grace and compassion you would so readily give to others. The feelings you describe abound and what you are going through is a very normal part of processing your grief and making sense of your loss. Grief is all consuming and all we can think about is ourselves, it takes us over, especially in the early days. Sending you healing hugs ~ Maureen
Maureen,
Question 1 – It's been about 11 weeks since I lost my husband, and hand's down the top of mind challenge I face is raising my 8 year old to be the kind of person her fabulous Daddy would want her to be without his constant presence but only his memory.
Question 2 – Without that challenge staring me down, it must mean that I have done a good job, and have raised a loving, intelligent and funny young woman who remembers her Dad and would make us both proud! That would be a supreme accomplishment, and one I am striving for.
Thank you, Maureen, for sharing your wisdom.
Claire
Claire it would be such a daunting task to lose someone you love so and be the sole parent with the responsibility that sits on your shoulders right now. But your words speak of determination, of love and of great courage. My heart is with you ~ Maureen
My biggest challenge is the profound sense of loss. I'm still involved with my daughter's friends because many of their moms are my friends. I enjoy hearing about my daughter's friend's accomplishments and day-to-day dramas, (they are 14) but it kills me. It is a sharp reminder of what I'm missing. Sometimes it makes the hole in my heart a little deeper and sometimes it fills the hole closed a little bit. It's a strange thing this grief. When I see sisters together my heart aches, because I know what my surviving daughter is missing, not having her big sister around. So my challenge is my loss.
When I fast-forward with a great deal of hope, I see my life as being fuller. I see myself not floundering in the loss that I used to feel. I see myself embrassing all that life has to offer me, even the painful moments and coming out all the better for it. I see a place for the hole in my heart, but it doesn't take up too much room. I see myself engaged in other's lives and not being so emotionally invested that it brings me to tears because I can only see what I miss the most, my daughter. I see myself balanced, with the joy overflowing and sorrow just meandering by. But best of all when I fast-forward – I can see… I can see with hope!
Oh Mary – how very touching. Hope is something that always will keep us going through the pain and the ache of longing and sadness that grips us tight. Hugs ~ Maureen
1. The greatest challenge I face right now, nearly 12 months after my son's death, is the sheer longing for him, the missing him, the wishing to hug him and hold him, talk to him and SEE him. I work hard to keep him alive in my every day life, partially by means of the Memorial Fund we set up in his memory, but it can never replace the desire I have to have him still here with us in person.
I remember in the early weeks after his death, someone was sharing with me their experience of losing their son five years earlier. At the time I thought, "Five YEARS?? I can't go without seeing my son for FIVE YEARS!!" That's the hardest – facing the reality of having that person physically missing from our lives.
2. Fast forwarding – is there going to be a time when I don't face this challenge? I'm not sure. How could a parent ever lose that heartfelt desire to have their child alive and present? However, if there's one thing grief has taught me, it is compassion, and so I hope to see myself engaging in philanthropic activities, more and more as every single year goes by…..all done in my son's name, so that in that way, I can keep him 'alive' and remembered forever.
Patricia I think that longing for their physical presence is the one thing that is the hardest to deal with and something that stays with us. It sounds like you have some very great things planned to honour him. Blessings to you ~ Maureen
When you consider living your life after such profound loss, what is the greatest challenge you face right now?
In a word coping! my husband was my friend, my lover, my advisor, my confidant , my all. life has been so difficult without him.
Question 2: Now fast forwards a little and tell me what does your life look like now, without that challenge?
In a word difficult, I have lost husband, home. job. country, friends,money, peace,but I am coping, I have moved not only house but country to stay with my daughter in Bahrain. I am now starting again, have started to find friends, get used to the place, and start a business, called Holistic Healing which offers facials, relaxing massage and Reiki and angel therapy. I am with Gods grace moving forward. I still have bad days, my husband Colin passed away in August 2011 but I feel that he would want me to do this. Yes a challenge but one I will work with to help me to grow and develop.
Thank you for reading this may it inspire others to try and cope with such loss!!! Love Clare xxxxx
How very difficult for you Clare, but so pleased to hear of your renewal and rebuilding. Heart hugs to you ~ Maureen
Maureen,
Thank you firstly for prompting me to think about these things…I lost my mum, sister and 4 year old daughter over 4 years so my grief is complicated.
My biggest challenge is dealing with missing all those I love and dealing with the reality that they aren't here…it's a life time process I feel. Like Grief.
Without this challenge I think I would be more free from the hold grief sometimes has on me, however I can't imagine a time when I won't miss these people from my life, especially our daughter….so…I think embracing my grief and working through it when it does hit is the healthiest thing so I can embrace the lesson on appreciating life that they left with me.
Love your blog, thanks
Diana Doyle x http://sunshineinabluecup.blogspot.com/
Diana, I’m so sorry to hear about your beautiful girls, my hugs go out to you. Grief forms the thread and fabric of our life now and it takes us always into unknown territory even when we think we’ve navigated that path before and have an eye on our destination ~ Maureen x
Oh Diana, may you be wrapped in angel wings. I lost my daughter and my dad within 9 months of each other. My heart goes out to you, losing three precious people. How heart breaking. xoxo
Thank you Aileen…I'm sorry for your losses too…My losses were over 3 years, I wrote 4 by mistake. Nine months apart must've been very intense. Sending hugs back to you, thank you!
love
Diana x
Question 1: When you consider living your life after such profound loss, what is the greatest challenge you face right now? I have lost three babies in 18mos. My biggest challenge is balancing thinking of my babies and "getting on with life".
Question 2: Now fast forwards a little and tell me what does your life look like now, without that challenge?
I see myself a more light-hearted, fun-loving person.
Feel my hug for you Sheryl, I am so very sorry. Keep their love and their angelic presence with you always ~ Maureen
Maureen,
I am a friend of Sheryl's and wanted to pass on some very sad information to you. Sheryl is now with her 3 angel babies. She passed away unexpectedly in her sleep 2 nights ago. She leaves behind 8 precious children and a husband. Our hearts are so torn. Here is the link for her Funeral arrangements: http://www.paquelet.com/_mgxroot/page_10780.php?id=1031088
Oh Rhonda, I am so very sorry to hear that, how heartbreaking for you, her friends and of course her beloved family. Thank you so much for letting me know, you will be in my thoughts ~ Maureen
I have just passed the 1 year anniversary of my daughter Katelyn's death. (She is my 3rd child, born after the death of my 2nd baby, who died of a heart defect shortly after birth). I considered her a special blessing. She was in an auto accident on Dec.16, 2010. From that point on she remained in a coma with severe brain damage. As we came close to 3 weeks into this nightmare, we had to make a decision…move forward by having the ventilator & feeding tube in throat replaced by trache & feeding tube in stomach or remove everything & let nature take it's course. Her prognosis for any significant recovery was poor…her injuries were extensive. We wrestled with what to do, trying to gather all the info we could. No parent should have to make this kind of decision! Finally, we decided to not move forward…to take her off life support…to leave it up to God. She died on Jan. 13, 2011 at exactly 221/2 years old. Now I live with guilt & doubt & wonder if we did the right thing & what would have happened if we had pressed on. The greatest challenge I face right now, is overcoming those feelings!! I also find feelings of saddness, lonliness, fear, loss of faith and just missing her to be quite a challenge at the moment.
If I could overrcome all of these challenging feelings, I would hope to have some clarity of mind and maybe some energy. I would work to strengthen the bonds with my husband & my one living (adult) daughter and find some way to honor Katelyn's life, that hopefully would be of benefit to others. I have been rather paralysed…. especially during this "anniversary" period, which is 4 weeks long, not including the week of so leading up to it.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Linda I have to say I can relate to your experience deeply as that is what happened with my son too – very similar and around the same time of year, December. The guilt just about crippled me and even now I have days where I wonder, did we do the right thing. So I feel for what you are going through and my love goes out to you for your beautiful Katelyn but also for your precious baby. The lead up to anniversary days can be crippling, so allow gentleness for yourself and what you are going through to rest upon you today. Blessings ~ Maureen
My biggest challenge since losing my forever 7 year old son on August 13, 2011, is learning how to function. I have two children here on Earth that need me, now more then ever. And yet, I can't crawl out of my depression. I try, and some days I succeed. But mostly I live in my pajamas and sleep most of the day. The day I lost Micah, I lost a huge part of myself, and I will never get that back. I withdrew from my college courses, and just ceased being alive. I exist. How will I change this? Baby steps. I plan on going back to school, pending my medical withdrawl is accepted. If not, I will go back to work. I need to start living again, in a new way, as I will never be the exact same as I was before I lost Micah. I will interact with people, continue my counseling, and accept that I cannot change what has happened. Already my perspective on many things have changed. Everyday troubles? They really don't matter as much as I thought they did. I love more honestly, and I never pass up an oppurtunity to let someone know how much they mean to me. I have come back to my Church, and I am not afraid to ask for help.
Michelle allow yourself the gift of gentleness, it is early days yet. Losing a child is a devastating experience but even so through your words I can hear your hope, your slow emergence of a renewal of your self. Grief changes us forever, and often opens us up to new ways of being, doing and feeling, as you have discovered. ~ Hugs Maureen
QQuestion 1: When you consider living your life after such profound loss, what is the greatest challenge you face right now?
TTThe greatest challenge I face right now is learning to live again. It is difficult to even put one foot in front of the other. Living without my daughter has proven to be a great challenge. I wonder if I will ever feel joy again.
Question 2: Now fast forwards a little and tell me what does your life look like now, without that challenge? It seems as though I will learn to live with a broken heart. I cannot believe that the emptiness will ever go away. I do believe that I can learn to live with the pain and that eventually I will feel joy.
It
T
I think Polly the idea that we could ever be happy, smile again, laugh or enjoy ourselves is impossible to contemplate in our grief at times, but it does and can happen. Keep her with you always in your heart and soul, fill the emptiness with her love and the beautiful memory of her and slowly feel that love in your day to day life…and more will come. Blessings ~ Maureen
QQuestion 1: When you consider living your life after such profound loss, what is the greatest challenge you face right now?
My greatest challenge right now after lots of profound losses in my life is to find energy enough to start looking for another job after losing my job last April 2011 due to restructuring. My unemployment will be ending this month. I am wondering if my losses have something to do with my procrastination and depression and feeling so tired and drained.
The losses started as a child of 6 years old, I lost my mother to breast cancer. She left 4 children for my father to raise. I lost my father emotionally at that time to Alcoholism. Not much nurturing as you can only imagine. We all pretty much emotionally shut down from each other.
I lost my oldest brother ten years ago to Colon cancer. We were just getting to know each other after many years of his drug and Alcohol abuse. He just recovered from addiction to find he had the colon cancer. It is a shame to say that he died with a lot of regret, without going into a lot of stuff.
The next year I lost my husband to lung cancer which is the most profound as we were so close as friends and soul mates. He was my best friend. I will love him forever and miss him all the time. He was such a wonderful friend, husband and father to his children from other marriage. We had no children. We were together 13 years but knew each other for many years before as friends. We had a wonderful relationship and our goal was always to make each other happy. That is all we wanted to do.
I lost my father the year after my husband to Lung disease(COPD). He was recovered from his drinking since 65 years old and died at 84. We did kind of make amends. I had to learn to forgive him and come to an understanding that he was just an ignorant man although he also had his own losses in life too. He lost his father at 3 years old. My father was verbally abusive and neglectful to his children.
These losses have made me who I am. I am a melancholy, somewhat depressive person although try my best to go on but after losing my job I feel maybe all my losses have also surfaced again. I feel stuck in neutral.
Thanks for letting me share here as this is the first time I have written my feelings down.
Janice I too think I would regard myself as melancholy and a somewhat depressive person. Look at what you have been dealing with, its huge. I admire and affirm you for keeping on and doing the very best you can do. Never forget your own greatness, your own strength when you feel weak and unable to hardly breathe, it is there in your words. And now that you have started, do keep writing, keep writing out your hurt and write out your dreams, long forgotten and abandoned. You will find a part of you long lost will surface and do so much more than you ever believed. Hugs ~ Maureen