Establishing Connections After the Loss of a Child

My Gossamer Threads

Our attachment to those we love is so strong that when we lose a child we are thrown into the gut wrenching pain of grief as that physical attachment is severed, often abruptly – we are cast adrift, despairing and desolate. When I consider my personal journey of grieving for my son the greatest aid to my own healing has been finding an ongoing connection, a gossamer thread to the unknown, to where he is now.

After experiencing loss, it is expected that we will want to know where our loved ones are and what they are doing. Are they ‘safe’, can we connect with them in some way; can they see us, hear us, and be with us still? Exploring the premise of life after death is something that is a common practice amongst bereaved parents.We want to find out where our child is; we want to know all we can about life after death. For myself, I challenged my own beliefs and read widely devouring everything I could to get the answers I wanted.

In order to integrate my grief and adapt to that loss into my life, I have chosen to connect to my son in three major ways, these are the ways I spin my gossamer thread:

 ♥   I TALK TO HIM:    In my early days of grief, I bought the loveliest, most beautiful journal I could find and I started writing. I told him how much I missed him, how I felt, what he meant to me and what I was doing with my strangely altered life. I wrote of despair, of wonder at where he was, of doubt of my ability to get through life without him. I dated the entries and kept a note of how many times a month I wrote to him. In the early days, it was every day, sometimes twice a day. The messages were the same, the missing, the longing, the despair, the anger and injustice of it all. Over time this has changed, the entries have become less frequent, the messages less peppered with rage, more acceptance has crept in and love, always so much love. It is my way of connecting, of still ‘talking’ to him, of keeping him a part of my life – of maintaining our bond.

♥   I HEAR FROM HIM:    I know for many people the idea of visiting a medium or clairvoyant is against their belief system, or they view it with a large degree of scepticism, but I have found it to be a very positive experience. The messages I have received over the years, have been totally affirming and left me feeling uplifted and supported.  When I lost my son, it was what I wanted to do more than anything else. I wanted to see if they could communicate with him, in a way that I was no longer able to. I craved the knowledge about where he was and if he was OK. Over the past 3 years, when I have been in the presence of a medium, they have been able to reinforce my belief that my son is happy, he is content; he is not alone, he watches over me and knows what I am doing in my life. This is described with amazing accuracy and I get the feeling he really is around me – I hear him at those moments.

♥   I SEE HIM:    Whilst I wish I could, unfortunately I can’t. What I mean here, is recognizing the symbolism of our loved ones around us. For me Stuart’s spirit has always been a bird, we set him free, free to soar and spread his wings. After he died, I would sit in my garden gazebo, writing or reading surrounded by a little honeyeater that would perch itself on a rock and watch me intently. There have been many, many birds over the years, but each leave me with a sense of peace that his spirit is with me. I know for many others it may be a dragonfly, a butterfly, a feather or a dolphin. Your loved one will find their own special symbol which ‘speaks’ to you in a way that is truly THEM. Stuart was always obsessed with money from a very young age. So often, I find coins in the most unlikely of places and think ‘Hi Stuart’ and smile – he is with me.

Our children continue to communicate with us in so many different ways but which we can be so very quick to dismiss as nonsense and the fanciful notions of the bereaved. When I am struck by the weight of the sceptic in me, I choose to believe, because really there is no harm in choosing comfort and hope that our connection with our beautiful children continues in one way or another from this world to the next.

 © Maureen Hunter