This Sunday in Australia is Father’s Day. For some the day means little, but to many it means a lot. It means they are reminded of the importance their Dad plays in their life. It means they can acknowledge all that their Dad has done for them and the times he has been there for them. It is a time to focus on Dads and how special they truly are.
It sounds good doesn’t it. No! Not if your Dad has died and the day brings an ache to your heart and a reminder of the gaping hole in your life. Each day, not only in Australia, but all over the world, our Dads are dying: in accidents, to suicide, at war, by acts of violence and from illness. There are many families who will wake up this Sunday morning to the acute absence of their husband/partner and father in their lives.
If this will be you and your family this year, I want to share with you my 3 Top Tips for giving the day meaning, even though their physical presence is absent:
Write a Card
Children love to be creative. Nurture that in them, as well as yourself, and prepare a card or note for Dad. Address it to the invisible place he now lives and share with him why you love him and will continue too. Decorate it, fill it up to the brim with your love and then post it. Prepare a special box for Dad, make it Dad’s very own and cut out a slot, as a post box would be. This will be an ongoing ritual and there can be one or many letters and cards posted here for Dad in the days, weeks and months to come.
Feast
I don’t know of any Dads who don’t like good food and plenty of it. Prepare a special meal this Father’s Day. Get out those recipe books and pick out the ones you know Dad loved. Involve your family. Have them help in the cooking or get them to select a recipe that they immediately associate with him. Make it a blessed feast full of love and family connection. Buy a notebook and name it “Dad’s Favourite Recipes”. Start this year with the first and build on for each family occasion, compiling a wonderful memory and keepsake for all to share.
Give Backwards
This might sound backwards but you won’t be giving a gift to Dad this year you will be receiving it. Go out a buy a small gift for yourself, and your children. Make sure you have sufficient wrapping paper and gift cards for everyone that you want to receive a present. Once the children are asleep in bed, or if you are alone, give yourself 30 minutes of down time, some quiet time with a pen and some paper. Imagine that you are your husband/partner or the father of your children. These gifts have been choosen by you but they are from him. Think about what he would say to each of you, which words would he would use, what would he like you to know. Don’t overthink it, just go with the flow and write. Transcribe the message for each one of you onto the gift card and put them in a basket to open during the feast. He is now part of your day in so many ways and always will be.
These grief rituals are a key part in helping to deal with the devastating impact of grief and allow healing in ways that honour our loved ones keeping them in our life always.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Even though Father’s Day in the States was 2 months ago, these ideas resonate and can be used any time of the year- for Dad’s birthday, for when the child has a birthday (and misses Dad’s presence), Christmas (for those so inclined), etc.
Great advice, Maureen
Roy A. Ackerman, PhD, EA recently posted..Don’t believe everything you read about Steve Jobs!
Thats true Roy the ideas could be transferred to so many other situations
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Father’s Day When Someone’s Missing
Thanks, Maureen, for these great ideas for Father’s Day rituals. I especially like the notebook with ongoing recipes, since it encourages entries over time. I also liked the Dad’s favorite meal on Father’s Day. I immediately thought of Steak, Johnny Cakes and salad … which is the meal I always requested when I came home to visit – something Daddy was the sole cook for! Johnny Cakes are a Rhode Island specialty, going all the way back to Pony Express carriers – starting out as journey cakes that lasted for the whole journey. They are made with specially ground white corn meal which is hard to find. This post prompted me to seek out ways to find it and my co-workers had some great ideas of where to look. I think I’ll make some this weekend for a friend who is visiting, a tasty way to tell stories about my father!
I would offer one caution about the “gifts from dad” idea, though. I know someone who was hurt very badly by someone who thought it would be wonderful to send a gift that looked like it came from the loved one who had died. It stirred up all kinds of pain and issues, the total opposite of what was intended. I would suggest the notes attached to the gifts say something like “If Dad were going to give you a gift, I thought it might be this … just to remind you of how much he loved you….” — or something of that sort, just to be clear who it is really from, while still supporting and encouraging the relationship and love. Just a thought – Nancy
Nancy, I have no idea what Johhny Cakes are, you mentioned white corn meal but would love to know of the other ingredients.
Thanks so much for your input about the experience with the gifts. I think when human emotions are involved there is always the potential for unexpected reactions, when all we mean to do is help and give love. It is always helpful to know of that and to consider it – your idea of how to reword the gift card offers a good alternative suggestion, thanks for sharing.
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Father’s Day When Someone’s Missing
Maureen – thanks for the interest in the Johnny Cakes – they are a family tradition for sure! It’s been a long time since I’ve made them, but they are small flat cakes when cooked in an iron skillet or on a frying surface. You mix the specially ground white corn meal with boiling hot water, with a little salt and sugar, nothing else that I can remember. We serve them with butter, salt and pepper, and sometimes with maple syrup. I’ll post again next week if I find I missed something after I make them this weekend! Blessings and peace, Nancy
This year was the first Father’s Day since my dad died. I tried to stay focused on feeling gratitude for all the good things he did and the times that we shared together. I know that he will always be with me in spirit and that is very comforting.
These are wonderful suggestions for celebrating Father’s Day when our father is no longer with us.
Janette Fuller recently posted..Book Review: The Kaizen Plan For Healthy Eating
Janette days such as these are always the most difficult, these are just kick start suggestions that can help when their absence is uppermost in our minds.
I am glad you are comforted by your belief, it is something that will sustain you always. x
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Father’s Day When Someone’s Missing
Oh, daddies are blessing and they treat daughters like princesses so yay!
I celebrated Father’s Day long back, but it still holds so much importance. My dad still treats us girls like little girls and he still gives me this advice if he knows I am travelling lat “There are evils out there! Stay safe”
Every time I go to my dad’s place, we always go for a drive and ice cream; our special moment!
Hajra recently posted..Psychologist… Boo!
How special Harjra, your special moment
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Father’s Day When Someone’s Missing
I have tears in my eyes as I think about my father and my husband’s father who have been dead many years now. They are still missed. Sometimes, I wonder if we really think about Father’s Day as adults until our father’s are gone
Roberta Budvietas, recently posted..Doing your best keeps you out of stuck
True Roberta, often it does take the loss of their physical presence from our lives for us to really consider what they meant to us, not only on days like Fathers Day but in all ways.
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Father’s Day When Someone’s Missing
Ooh! I identified with “feast” right away! =) Food seems to bring people and is often associated with family and togetherness in all parts of the world. =) It’s very similar on the “Day of the Dead” here — we cook the favorite dishes of loved ones past and eat together, enjoying and remembering. =) I never thought of it as a grief ritual too.
I also love the idea of giving backwards. =) That would be such a beautiful way of carrying on his memory!
Samantha Bangayan recently posted..Before the World Ends: The Earthquake in Peru
I think food is something that always brings people together in happiness, sadness or remembering, it is such a universal comforter and a magnificent celebrator.
What I like about these suggestions is that they are actual hands-on things to DO. Not knowing what to do is one of the worst parts when someone is gone. It’s such a helpless feeling. By doing these with love and good memories, the family will take actual steps that I think will help their recovery.
Great post, Maureen.
Paula Lee Bright recently posted..What Do YOU Think Makes a Good Dog Good?
Thanks Paula. As a coach I am a strong advocate for doing and taking positive action in all areas of life.
My Pop died in January 2012, then dad died in March this year… This Fathers day will be one that I don’t know how I’m going to get through