I recently read a great article from Ashleigh Davis Bush in The Huffington Post about all the things we as grievers can’t possibly do and what we can. There are so many things that those who are not grieving think we who grieve should be doing and it’s due mainly to a lack of understanding.
Here I list what I call Ashleigh’s Five Simple Truths, based on her work as a grief therapist for over 20 years. I then compare this with the reality that you share with me every day by email, on my blog and through my Facebook page.
What Grievers Cannot Do
Truth #1: We cannot get over it.
Adjusting to devastating loss is an ongoing and lifelong process that fluctuates over time. There is no closure as such.
Reality:
They think I’m grieving too long.
It makes me angry and tears me up all at the same time when they say “Aren’t you over it yet?”
My hurt is too much for them, they can’t deal with it and they’re over it really. Their time limit is up!
Truth #2: We cannot forget our loved ones
They are part of us and have been an integral part of our life, it’s impossible to forget them. We will always remember.
Reality:
When I talk about her, they just look at me funny and then change the subject as if she never existed.
They talk about every other family member except him, it’s so hurtful – don’t they care?
His name’s been obliterated from their life – just like that!!
Truth #3: We cannot move on
There is no way we can just move on with our lives as if nothing has happened and they never existed, it’s impossible.
Reality:
It’s so hard when they keep talking about me meeting someone else, that’s not what I want. I’m not anywhere near ready for that yet.
My friends keep telling me to move on. How can I move on when all I want is back there?
I can’t even begin to think about moving on – I hate that word.
Truth #4: We cannot be our old selves again
If only we could but our loss has changed us forever, there can never be the old us ever again.
Reality:
It’s like they’re waiting for me to get back to my old self then everything will be OK again.
My family keep saying they don’t like seeing me like this as if they are wishing for the moment when I reappear again and all will be well.
I don’t think they get the fact that this has changed me forever; there is no going back to who I once was.
Truth #5: We cannot stop hurting
As much as we would wish it otherwise the painful feelings of our grief will erupt again and again over the years.
Reality:
What are you crying for?
That was five years ago – a LONG time!
You really need to get a grip on your feelings.
It is so very affirming to read something that we know deep in our heart to be a reflection of all that we are going through. I hope that many people, not just those who grieve, will begin to understand that our loss and our great love is something that moulds and shapes us forever.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Ashleigh’s Five Simple Truths hit home with me. My family is always telling me that I should not talk about my husband, that it has been 9 years and that I should move on. All I want to do is talk about him and remember all the good times we had and the funny things that happened, but my family feels that I am dwelling on his image and memories too much. When I talk about him they tell me to change the subject or they change it themselves. If I put a picture of him on my mantle they tell me I shouldn’t have a “shrine”. I miss him so much and I wish he was still here even though I know he is, spiritually. I can still feel his presence.
Thanks for listening and being here.
Liz
It’s so hard Liz when others don’t understand. I hope you can find your safe places, your safe folk who will allow you to be yourself and speak of him. Honour your heart and do what feels right for you. So pleased to hear you can feel his presence with you. Blessings ~ Maureen
These “simple truths” also really hit home with me…but there is something I don’t ever see mentioned, so I wonder if it’s just something I have experienced. I hate that some think I should start taking medication, an anti-depresent, to make me stop crying, stop breaking down every so often. They want it to make me stop feeling guilty, stop sobbing, etc. It’s been almost 5yrs. since we lost our 26y/o daughter to an overdose, and I just have some times where it all comes back and I cannot control the sobbing and screaming. It doesn’t even happen that often anymore, but it does happen. I was on an anti-depresent for a couple years after she died, and finally got off of it. I just cannot imagine it making any difference, other than just making me numb to things, which I do not want to be. So, anyway, I just wonder if others have their family and even doctor try to get them to do this. I know the feelings that I have will never go away, and I do not see how the medication can make it any different, except to make me numb to it. I miss her so much every minute of every day….
I have heard this a lot Diane. For some medication can be helpful if clinical depression has developed after a loss and that has to be properly diagnosed but for others its not required. Grief is a normal response to whats happening to us and overwhelming bouts of emotion are part and parcel of that. I dont think society in general are very good at dealing with expressions of emotional pain, their own or others. Its easier to tie it up neatly in a bow and try and fix it and make it go away. Having said that if our overwhelming feelings of bleakness, sadness and despair are consistently blotting everything else out in our life, then perhaps medication is an option. To correct the chemical imbalance in our bodies and help us to clear the fog a little. Feel for your heartache and sending hugs ~ Maureen
Huh. Wonder what they think about those of us who were on anti-depressants *before* the loss of our child and need more to keep ourselves going. I’m weaning off two of the three I currently take (prescribed shortly before my son died just two months ago) but . . . Really, people – Not that I’d wish anything so drastic and terrible on anyone, but if they could imagine for five minutes what it would be like to be completely homeless, or to lose their own spouse or child, or experience some other life-changing event, I wonder how they’d handle it. I bet many would either “self-medicate” and/or get a prescription.
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Good Morning Maureen,
I hope your feeling better , It is summer here in Canada and has been a very HOT dry one …I have been dealing with an on going ear infection and vertigo for the past few months but finally seems to be mending thankfully . It was 3 years May 23rd that my Sally passed ,and her 34th B-day is the coming on the 28th of this month, it is so so true that this LOSS has changed me forever and there is NO GOING back to who i once was….. this pain will and does erupt over and over again thank-u for ALL of your support and being there xox
Hello Maureen, I just want to say how much you have helped me with my grieving..Tomorrow the 10th will be the 2nd Anniversary of my husband who passed away from Cancer..I am trying not to go there* too much lately, I have found its been too hard when on my own but I will light a candle next to his photo tomorrow night..I miss him soooo much. I have found that since I made a trip to Europe, it seems to have made things a little more bearable* for me. Thanks again for all your kindness…hope you feel better soon, Anne
Thinking of you today Anne and good to hear from you after your travels. Anniversary days in particular can be such a hard reminder and trigger of our deep loss and heartache. Feel his love with you always only now in very different ways. I am glad life is becoming more bearable for you, we all need that and something to look forward to. Blessings ~ Maureen
this pretty well addresses the issues i have and states my exact feelings. i want to talk about my son, who died last year, but no one wants to listen….
Maureen; I am so glad you have shared this article. I am reading Ashleigh’s book “Transending Loss” and it has been a dream come true. She is very much in tune with the continued relationship we have with our loved ones. It has given me great comfort to read it.
Thank you for this article. It truly reflects how things really are. Why is it that my husband, Larry, that passed away 11-22-11, has been forgotten by his children. Three of them want talk of him at all. Two will. He may be gone, but he is always in my heartand will never be forgotten. I can’t wait for the day God calls me home to be with him. I’ve had two scares lately with my health and so far everything has turned out ok. I guess God wants me here for a reason. I just wish I could speak of him without feeling I should shut up. Thanks for being here and letting us all speak of our pain.
I have a habit of comparing myself to others and thinking they are handling their sorrow much better than I am. I have joined a Grief group held by Hospice and held once a week. At the meetings we are seated in a circle, and each one of us tells the group what we are feeling. Everyone is suffering from grief, but after the meetings most of them get together for coffee. I have no desire to socialize. After the last meeting I cried all the way home. I was completely depressed. I keep thinking they are all physically able to get around, younger then me and have a life ahead of them. All I can see, at my age is death. There were 4 of us girls that grew up in a small town, we were in most of the same classes at the same time. We always teased about all of us lasting so long because we didn’t have fast foods to eat. One of the “girls” died recently, All of my family is dead, and now it looks like my brother-in-law is dying. I can’t seem to get past my future of death.
I can hardly walk, and I am scared that some day soon, I will not even begin to get up. I don’t want to be like this, I have always been the rescuer, and now I feel so confused and lost. I feel like a burden where I used to be the “take care” kind of person.
Elise sending you strength and the courage to get through each moment in a day. We are here for you ~ Maureen
Hi Maureen,
Thanks as always, you seem to put into words what we are feeling at the time, this is so comforting. I think it is hard for us all to acknowledge that we have been changed forever, it is scarey and also hard for those people around us. We don’t want this to be our reality, we all want our loved ones back, but we have to face the fact of not seeing them again, hugging them , talking to them and this is the hardest thing. We need to talk about them and honour how precious they are in our lives. Sometimes we don’t understand where our feelings are going, such an unpredictable ride and nice to know those around us, support us …even if they don’t feel what we do. Blessings to you Maureen, you uplift us consistently on our journey. Janelle
I lost my sister 24 years ago. and I still wish I could talk to her. She and I looked a lot alike . I was at a family funeral a few years ago and someone said ” everytime I see you I think of Betty” and I still cry. I told my niece one time, “when you see me and it makes you think of your Mom, just think of it as your Mom saying HI”.It all comes back as if it were yesterday. We never get over it, you just going on living and learn to accept the fact you are alone and will never be the same again.
Thank you for this…it’s so true and unless someone has felt the pain that we have experienced they can’t begin to understand. Everyday is like the first day. I yearn for my husband so bad and two years later I still can’t grasp that he is really gone. My heart will never beat the same again. I’m not saying you can’t smile, or enjoy the new life you have to find for yourself or God blesses you with, it’s just different because your partner is not there to share it with you. So life is bitter sweet and you just learn to mask your feelings for others.
I really wish I would have found you a year & a half ago when I was so completely lost in my grief, I couldn’t function, every aspect of my life changed when I lost my mother. She was only 53 years old. Her one year battle against pancreatic cancer was so many things; it was amazing to see her strength and courage, it was terrifying when we knew there was no hope, it was enduring, it was so raw and real, it shed light on so many things while the dark cloud hovered over us. I spent every minute that I could with her & in her last months I didn’t leave her side. I took care of her and when it was time for hospice, I still took care of her. The head nurse said I was loyal, I didn’t think of it that way, I just knew I couldn’t be anywhere else.
Ten years before I lost my mom, I suddenly lost my dad, I was 21, and he was 46. The differences between my two losses is when I lost my dad I drank very heavily and started to use drugs. When I finally reached my epiphany & realized I needed to sober up & feel what I needed to feel, the pain was so overwhelming & my fear was, that in my young life, I would forget the things he had taught me, his values & legacy would fade from my memory and the fact that I would have to live The Rest of My Life WITHOUT My Dad broke my heart. Of course, over the years I learned that those memories are the only things I have and will be with me forever and that he is ALWAYS with me, he is in every entity of my soul and spirit.
In 2010, when my mother became ill I quit drinking all together. I tried to use alcohol to cope but it didn’t make any sense to make myself sick (hung over) when my mom was in so much pain, fighting for her life every second of every day all the while not taking a second for granted smiling and laughing whenever she could. She made every moment count. She needed me and I knew I had to face what was happening head on. Everyone told me I was strong, perhaps I was, I was just doing what came naturally. I put it in God’s hands & I trusted that the universe would put me where I needed to be, guide me through what I needed to do for my mom. I think she needed to know I was strong and could handle what was happening. If she had any idea what would happen to me once she was gone, her journey would have been completely unbearable.
The funny thing is I didn’t realize was how severely I would fall apart after her pain was gone, after her fight was over… mine would begin. I quit my job, I pushed everyone away, and I basically crawled into a whole so deep I couldn’t see the light. I was not expecting these reactions, I was not aware of what I was doing or of the consequences. I was completely lost and anyone who knew me, knew it. The realization of what had happened to me, not my mom, but to me was enough to knock me to my knees and take my breath away. I no longer had my mama, I no longer had my support, I no longer had my best friend, I no longer had the one person in my life who loved me unconditionally and I felt I had lost everything. I tried to move forward but everything was so difficult. People that I expected to be there were no longer there. I had cousin, who I thought was a good person and like a sister, turn on me and tell me I was fat, uneducated, pathetic, and needed to settle in my job at the gas station because I was too stupid to do anything else, and that I needed weight watchers and a psychiatrist, she took everything I ever confided in her and used it against me, kicked me and spit on me when I had already hit rock bottom & several others followed her. I couldn’t pass simple tests to get a good job, my self-esteem was non-existent. I believed everything my cousin had said was true, I had no idea who I was and had no desire to try to find myself. I yearned for death.
Then, suddenly, a year after mom was gone it was like I found the light. I quit wondering about all of the bad things & started to move forward. I realized that after going through EVERYTHING I had been through and survived, there was nothing that could hold me down and there was nothing I couldn’t do. I have always considered myself a strong, independent, person. I have always had good jobs, I have always had fun, and I never worried or even thought about what other people thought about me. I realized the old me was still here with some new perspectives; so I started making plans. I decided I would go back to school for my degree in social work and I would start looking for a new job. In typical fashion I dove in head first & I registered for classes the same day I received a great job offer. My boyfriend, who has been with me every step of the way (we met at my mom’s last birthday party) was afraid I bit off too much at once but I explained to him that I can handle it. I have wasted enough time & I know what I want. I also know that my parents want me to be happy & successful. I know that my faith & their love will guide me to a brighter future. I know that there is a better life for me and I know that I am capable of accomplishing my dreams. My mom and dad would not expect anything different from their strong willed, rebellious, out spoken daughter!! The only thing I have left to say is… I’m Back!!!!!
Jordan, what a fantastic story of deep love, devastating loss and the indomitable spirit in our hearts. I am so very pleased you are back and thank you so much for sharing from your heart. Hugs ~ Maureen
Wow, Jordan.
Your grief journey is so similar to mine. Your words “The funny thing is ………. mine would begin” So true in my life. I never thought I would miss my mom, her support, being a sounding board, her reassurance so so very much. As she was so ill, I thought I was prepared, but……..huge shock, it was as if the rug was pulled from under me, felt so vulnerable and the saddness, a sadness like I have never experienced.
It has now been a 1 year and a half and yes, I am much better than I was, but still have a lot of down days and Sundays are just the worst! We always went out then.
So happy I saw your post!
I read your story about the “truths: of grief and found myself nodding my head through the whole thing!! People who have not experienced a tragic loss just don’t understand what we are dealing with…
When my son, Matt. at 23 was taken from me, my life as I knew it did not exist anymore.
I am not the same person that I was, I will never be again. I have good days and bad days, but EVERYDAY I wake up and Matt is the first thing on my brain! So my advise to loved ones is, just be there, love us and try to understand…we have changed forever.
So well said.
Wish people could just be there, love us and try to understand. Yes, after losing a loved one we have most definitely changed forever.
Thank you for sharing this information Maureen. I hope this finds you feeling better. Thanks for all you do!!! *HUGS*
I can relate so much to each truth you wrote because in one way or another they speak for me. It has been 2 years and 8 months today since my 36 yr old son passed away. Life has forever changed. Our family unit is forever changed. People will not bring up his name because they don’t want to hurt me. I have said over and over it hurts me more that they do not.
I appreciate what you wrote as it speaks my heart. I hope people will read this and stop and give much thought to it. Thanks, Trudy
It’s been 7 years since I lost my husband…. nothing is right or the same and I still hurt as much as I did the morning he left. I don’t think I will ever be the same……..
I agree with all those things. I can’t stand it when I tell a story about my Joe and people give me a strange look as if I shouldn’t bring him up at all. He lived, he played an important part in many peoples lives but I guess death scares people..maybe they feel if they don’t discuss it the Grim Reaper will never get them. I blog, talk about him there too and on Facebook I kept his page up and my kids & grandkids use it to talk to him…I find writing helps me to deal with my grief.
Hi Maureen.
My mom passed on 4/13/12. At the 2-month mark without her, my own husband asked how far I was percentage-wise through my grief. Need I say more?
No one understands. My mom was my best friend.
Helene Domi
I have been lucky to have very supportive family, friends and church in my journey since my husband died last December. I talk about him and we share good memories with each other. I make sure that I don’t leave him out of the conversations. But when I am alone, just me, that is where I have the problems. These things you mention above are all still there. I know it has not been very long. Sometimes I feel like I have a new life that I can be happy in. But there is still the part of me that wants to go back to what I had, and I know I can never do that. Thank you Maureen for encouraging us all and giving us validation for our feelings.
I will NEVER be ME again. I have lost my youngest son at the age of 39 to suicide. He was dealing with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD and anxiety attacks. It all goes hand in hand. Life is different. I will NEVER hear from him again. I miss the phone calls, the tears, the laughter, etc. I miss it all. I miss him so bad at times, I just can’t hardly breathe. He has been gone 1 year and almost 5 months. It will be 1 year and 5 months the 28th of Aug. I can’t seem to adjust . I will NEVER get OVER it. I will have to find a way to ADJUST , but it’s so damn hard. I am so thankful for YOU, as are so many others that have gone through a terrible loss such as I have. I keep asking the question WHY!!! WHY! WHY!!! I will NEVER know the answer to that question. Maybe one day , when we meet again I will, but it’s so hard here on earth to understand why he wanted to leave this world, but then again he was dealing with so much , that I didn’t understand . No one can if they aren’t in that boat. I hate that!!! I am his mother. I should have know what to do for him and when. My heart just hurts.
This resonates loudly with me. Others seem to often have little perception that grieving is a process that is fluid not static with a defined beginning and end. It seems to me that although friends and family have been upset by John’s death they have had their “normal” to return to when they were ready. My new “normal” is still evolving. They still have the bedrock of their lives to integrate back into. A friend recently asked me what I am going to do with the rest of my life……my response ?…….I have no idea ……yet.
Maureen, Thanks for sharing. The pain of losing someone cannot be compared to anything else in our life. It will always be there no matter how many days, months or years go by. I lost a loved one many years ago and remembering them still hurts at times as much as remembering my loved one I lost last year. We will never forget them, nor do we want to, but we adjust to life without them. Moving on, forgetting them, getting on with our lives just isn’t possible. It is how we can adjust to not having them with us is how we can survive. I still need to relive the memories of my loved ones and talk about my lost loved ones. It helps with the hurt and I can progress through the day better.
My name is Kristen Howe in April of 2012 I lost my fiancee of 4 years. we lived together with his step children. I have been miserable every since. Ken died of Heart attack, he died in front of me in the bathroom. I tried to help him but it was to late, he also had anyrism. I am so sad all the time, I am still after almost five months not eatting or sleeping well. I cry every night for that man. I watched him suffer and there was nothing else I could do. He also had a brain hemerage. I have terrible nightmares every night. I seek professional and spiritual help. But noting seems to be working. My friends hide from me. they do’t call anymore or come over. I have been hit on, sexually assaulted by a friend so called. My kids miss there step dad. My 8 year old says she thinks she talks to him every now and then , I am in this deep fog, and I don’t see a way out. I tried everything. It is even hard to get up in the morning. I just sit and cry every minute of everyday.Missing him so much.
Kristen I am so sorry to hear of your beautiful Ken and what you had to and are going through. We ache so very much from the very depths of our being and we bleed. If you havent already I would recommend my free 30 day email series. It has helped so so many people already and it may be the same for you. Here is the link http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/ Hugs ~ Maureen
Hi. Thank you for saying exactly hat I am thinking. People say, “your young, (I’m 56, sorry not young!) you’ll find someone else. I lost the other half of me when my husband passed, I don’t want to think of someone new! A friend suggested your website, and I wanted to thank you so much for reaching out to strangers. God bless you. Pam
Lovely to hear from you Pam and thank you so much for your special words. Blessings to you ~ Maureen