When we are feeling overwhelmed and consumed by the inconsolable pain of our grief, we often wonder, is this going to be my life forever? Will the pain ever go away?If grief has slammed into our life in a fury we are knocked down, broken and shattered, gasping for breath in a fog of shock, numbness and confusion. The pain becomes relentless and all consuming. The intensity and constancy of it staggers us and frightens us and we feel we will never be whole again.
In the early days of my own grief I was stunned by the fury of my pain, the agony I had to endure each and every minute. It floored me and I was terrified. I was terrified by the force of it. I was terrified by my frailty. I was terrified that this agony, this brokenness would be my life forever.
I went minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day…seeking, wondering, asking. When does it get better? How long does it last? How did you survive? Screaming, when will the pain go away?
I started measuring my struggle by my tears or lack of them and what was happening each day. I only cried twice today. I haven’t cried for a day. When it got to two days, I celebrated. The tears lasted thirty minutes instead of two hours. Amidst my tears and the tatters of my heart I started looking for moments of comfort, and moments of hope. I searched for stories of survival and gulped in the inspiration I found. I wanted anything that would bring a shard of light into the darkness of my life. Day by day ease came in the tiniest of increments and the pieces of my life once shattered forever started coming together again into moments of pleasure, joy and happiness.
Those tears, those moments, those tiniest of increments became my markers; the guideposts that helped me understand and notice my grief and my healing a little better. I saw where I was in my day and in my life. I noticed when my feelings came, how powerful they were and how long they lasted. I also learnt that my grief would never be a straight line from A-B, over finished with, recovered and happy again. It became to me an ever evolving spiral which forms part of who I am now.
If I am around the outer part of the spiral the pleasurable moments in my life are merged and more than the painful moments.
I keep the memory and presence of my son uppermost in my day.
I take time to nurture myself.
I spend time with the people that matter most to me.
I purposefully find something each day to appreciate and enjoy.
If I am moving towards the centre of my spiral the painful moments in my life are merged and more than the pleasurable moments:
I miss my son so much I ache with a longing for which there is no ease.
I spend every single moment wishing for the past, wishing for the magic eraser to take it all away.
The flashbacks are on constant replay yet again.
I can’t get out of bed and want to curl up and die myself.
Depending on where I am on my spiral these moments can be like waves gently lapping at the shoreline, or waves that pound me into the ground. Fleeting as in the wake of a passing boat or a storm that lasts for hours or days and I’m crushed again in that moment. Sometimes I can see the storm in the distance building slowly. Other times it slams into me like a bolt out of the blue. I’ve become used to those waves. Acceptance always hard gently comes and thankfully now this happens less and less.
As with my tears, my spiral and the ocean help me to know myself better. The spiral shows how my grief is rumbling through my life gently or forcibly and how powerful it is in my life at any given moment. It tells me where I am and it is a part of who I am. I don’t have to get over my grief, put it away or pack it up. I recognise the duality that will always remain. The ache and the ease. The rage and the calm. The better, the worse. The sad, the happy. The pain and the pleasure.
The loss of my son will shape and mould me for the rest of my life, my grief will spin and I will move in the spiral of its unique rhythms forever.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below…
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
thank you so much for the emails this is the year anniversary of my daughters death this month she passed away on 3/21/2011. this article is so true i do cry less. sometimes things catch me by surprise and before u know it i am crying and i walk around going here we go again. my husband just doesnt know what to say or do since he is not much of a comforter he just looks at me and says oh oh. he is so afraid i am going to fall apart on him. please keep me in ur prayers and thanks for the wonderful web site
maria davis
My feelings exactly. Sometimes I feel like no one understands and then I am reminded there are others that feel the same way. Thanks for sharing.
I lost my Dad unexpectantly last year although it seems like yesterday, I am so glad I found your site it really is comforting. Thanks for sharing.
Thank-you, for shareing your emails do give me hope to live with some peace in my life at some point. I lost my son 19, Tyler Micheal Seaney 02/19/2011 he was shot and the person who did this has not even gone court. I pray daily for closure, peace and to see him again one day. Still feels to fresh, unreal.
Thank you for this article. The timing could not be better….it states so clearly where I am today…slammed pounded into the ground of grief.
Thanks Maureen,
I read your e-mails and it helps, I can't stop thinking about my son. I wondered about it. Me and my other son went to the show and I asked him did this and that remind you of Danny. He said mom you think to much about it. I told him I was sorry.
I will share with other adults and try and keep my other son in more of a happy place.
Jacqueline
I lost my husband nine months ago to a heart attack I thought I was keeping everything in check but, I guess I wasn't. There was so much to deal with when he passed away that I am just now getting angry and its not like me. I am so glad to find this site and I am now reaching out for help. Thank you.
I lost my husband about a month ago. The pain is so great and fierce. I miss hime so must . I have so many regrets and could have been. The days and nights are hard. This is the harderst thing I have ever went through.
I, too, lost my son suddenly without warning. He left 4 children. I hurt, hurt, hurt…..but I can describe as it does become: " a softer sadness" " a gentler cry"
Glad to see this today, It is my grandsons 19th birthday and his daddy is not here anymore to share the pride of his son's growing into manhood… I have gotten to the "2-4 days without crying" but this day slammed me back as I sent birthday greetings, and remembed the day he was born. how very happy we all were then! It's only been a while since cancer took my son at age 40 (11-13-2011) and it's so hard to not be able to hug and cry with my grandson becaus he is literally a thousand miles away at college… please pray for him, his sister and all of us!
I thought your article was right on the mark for me. I also find that if someone asks questions about "how" my son passed, not how he lived it turns my day into a day of tears and sorrow. they just come and go all day long. his second birthday after his passing is coming up. he would have been 18. I am not looking forward to that day.
Thank you so much Maureen for the comfort and encouragement you have given me these last 14 days. Each day what you write seems to be exactly where I am that day. I am in horrible pain missing my precious son Marty. I replay over and over in my mind the days leading up to going to that hospital and the dr who performed the surgery on Marty. If only he had not walked into that hospital and if only he had not chosen that cardiovascular surgeon in Pinehurst, NC. My heart is broken, but that is okay that I endure the pain. It is not about me – it is about the life that my 34 year old healthy son is not living and enjoying with his two precious little girls. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I look forward to getting them each day.
Becky Loflin
Marty Loflin's Mama
thanks for this article. after more than 6 years in a relationship, i found out that he was gay. my hopes and dream for marriage and having kids vanished like smoke and i went numb and in pain for a year after i walked out of the relationship. i still grieve over the loss of this relationship to this day. i still ache inside whenever i see laughing kids around. losing a loved one or a dream can be so devastating. and yes, bless our hearts as women who have loved so deeply and lost. there seems to be no end to the pain. there is only the hope that one day it might be better…perhaps bearable.
Maureen, Everything you write is so true. I feel all those feelings and emotions. It's been almost 6 months since my husband died of a sudden heart attack. It hasn't been easy…. we were married at ages 16 and 17 and married for 36 years. So I went from my parents house, to being married and now finding myself alone for the first time in my adult life. I miss him terribly…. but I also find myself looking to move on because it hurts less and then I feel tremendous guilt for feeling this way. I miss being held, and hugged (not necessarilly sex) but just the closeness of a man holding me. Is this wrong after only 5 months 3 weeks and 4 days? His birthday is coming up on March 23rd and I know that is going to be a tough day for me and our adult sons. I look forward to your emails everyday. Thank you.
Maureen this is how I feel, it feel if the hurt never stop, if all the fun and happy days are gone and all that is left is robort that live in my body. My heart is burried with my husband.
Thank you for the mail it really help a lot to know I am not alone.
Marthea
You have said all the feelings I could not find the words for. My husband and I had 43 wonderful years together. We worked together…..we were ALWAYS TOGETHER. Now, there is this empty feeling inside, This overwhelming lonliness that only HE could take away. It's been 5 months since he passed away. Sometimes it is so hard to keep going. I have always been a strong person. But when he died, a part of me seemed to die, too. I don't feel like that strong person any more. I pray for strength to go on, because I know he would want me to. You have helped me tremendously. I come HERE every day to read and know others DO understand. Thank you so much!
I'm glad I found your site. My heart aches, my heart hurts, I am so sad missing my wonderful son, Eric, so many memories daily of him, his 41st birthday is March 11, this Sunday; his 2nd birthday of his unexpected passing is June 26; my Mom's 2nd birthday of her passing is May 31; my Dad's 13th birthday of his passing is June 22. My Dad's passing from cancer was my first major upset, I grieved and missed him for so many years; then my Mom passed almost 2 years ago in 2010, from alzheimers. Then so unexpectedly only 3 weeks after my Mom passed, my son was taken from me. I miss my Mom and Dad. But, I grieve for my son and miss him so much every day. Thank you for sharing and being here for us.
I noticed no men commented but I lost my wife of 46 years to cancer after a battle with it of 26 years. I have the same feelings you described and as I finally got around to getting control of myself I have a 49 year old Son now in a desperate battle w/cancer. I've found that even my Marine training is impossible to overcome the grief and frusteration of dealing with this at my age. I'm more than ready to leave this world but I guess we have to figure out how to survive till that time comes. Thanks for your thoughts and experiences!
Sonny, I am so sorry for they ache that must be in your heart right now. There are many men who receive my newsletter and are also on my Facebook page, if you havent already please do come over, where myself and others can support you through this battle http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief ~ Maureen
I relate to the spiral as without warning a song, a memory, and unexpected reminder of my son Ben grabs hold and sweeps me away into the waves of grief…yet love and am comforted by so many pictures and stories and sharing his life with others that provides me with great strength to face a new day. It will be 3 months tomorrow, I know that I love my son and he loves me always and forever …but I still miss him and just wish we had more time together as he was only 35 years old and left us too soon. He remains in my heart.
Thank you. This expresses so much of what I am feeling. Learning to take the good with the bad! I thought at first I couldn't live without my son, but I have. I no longer want to live in that dark place. I am on a journey that has only just begun. One year into it this April & I am looking forward to a bigger sense of ease as time passes.
Soon after my Husband died in a tragic/violent way, I found your site. If I remember right it was about 2 weeks after his funeral. (not sure-everything was foggy then) My eyes could hardly focus and my mind could barely retain your words. But, I kept reading. Every email.
As I slowly tried to put back the pieces of my life with 3 small children. It was no easy task. It has been 1 year -6 months now. It's STILL no easy task. I'm not sure if I have gotten better at faking it, or if I am actually making it? Either way, I'm still walking… one step at a time.
I was and still am very grateful for each and every one of your emails. Although as silent as I have been on my end to you. Your words to me- are powerful, offer hope as well as comfort that someone else understands. That has been a struggle. Feeling so different. Not normal. And no one else really understands why. Nor do I have the ability to even explain why I am no longer the same.
Thank you for being there. Just when I needed someone. Your topics & timing are perfect.
Thank you so much Dee….Hugs Maureen
My heart goes out to all you who can so relate to what I write. I am so grateful that there is a place where together we can step through the pain and hurting of our grief. Hugs ~ Maureen
Thank you Maureen. Your articles are always inspiring and again this one reflected what I'm feeling. It hurts everyday but not as raw as the very early weeks of my son passing which is 15 months ago. Although the tears don't come as often, the sadness and pain are so profound sitting quietly inside my being. Grief is so unpredictable that one doesn't know whether a day will be good or bad, and at times it changes within a day. I'm trying hard to go with the flow and not resist it.
It is just a little over 13 months since the death of my son. When does the hurt ever stop? I miss his nightly phone calls. I miss hearing his voice. I want the hurt to go away. I want to see him again but I know that will not happen until my day comes. A little something about me. I raised my only child alone. His Dad died when my son was was 7 years old of a brain tumor. Thank God I had my family there to help me! My 32 year old son went to the hospital complaining of a sore throat. Turned out to be leukemia (APL), so the doctors thought. It was AML…They treated him in the wrong order. They should have done a bone marrow transplant before the chemo. Needless to say they did the chemo first which meant they could not do the bone marrow because they killed off all of the good red blood cells doing the chemo treatment first. Anyway, I had a decision to make and it resulted in my son dying. He had custody of my only grandchild who now stays with his mother. She does not allow me to have contact with him unless it fits into her rules. I used to talk to my grandson everyday. I would talk to my son during the day and my grandson every afternoon after school. Now that is gone! When does the hurt go away??? How can I move forward? I feel like I am stuck on the road of no return…
Susan I am so very very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son and for the heartache that is your life now. Your questions are those that we all ask and seek answers to and grief can cripple us and keep us stuck for such a long time. There are a number of things you can do which will help though it is never easy, its one of the hardest things you will ever do. This has helped many, if you havent received it already, it may help you find your start http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/ ~ Maureen
You are such an inspiration, I cannot imagine what you have gone through. But I am trying to deal with the pain and feeling of loss as my mama passed last October from lung cancer, which also took my dad almost 15 yrs ago. It has been 5 months and I think everyone around me wants me to be ok and back to normal, but I can't seem to. I know it will get better each day and I have faith that I will come out stronger through all of this. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you Teresa. There is no going back to what we once were…but there is a rebuilding that happens over time of our new and different selves ~ Maureen
Thank you for your inspiring words. I lost my 27yr. old son to suicide 5 weeks ago & I still reel with disbelief that i will never hold him, see him, or hug him ever again. The pain seems too great to endure. I know I will never understand the why's but if only he realized the love around him, would he have chosen differently ??
Diane I cant possibly begin to understand the intense pain that you must be feeling right now. There are so many unanswered questions. In all of it…be loving and compassionate to yourself…your love goes forever, beyond that which is. Hugs ~ Maureen
I lost my Mom three years ago and it ddoes get better but their are still moments when the pain starts and the tears come.I think the worst for me was watching her go after a stroke which gradually extended.Been a Registered Nurse made it all the worse as I administered her first dose of Morphine,knowing it would bring relief from the pain but also it would shorten her suffering.My most painful moment funny enough was not the memorial service but the scattering of her ashes.I was sobbing my heart out and trying to drive to a dental appointment after the ceremony.It was very touching and something I have never forgotten.Thankyou for your site as it does help one deal with things in a better way.
It is such a hard thing to deal with Gavin. As an RN myself I experienced a similar thing nursing my Dad. Grief is such an individual thing, what will touch you the most will not matter to others in the same way. I am glad you are here and finding it helpful to you ~ Maureen
I'm in the spiral. I too have made notice to when I cry how often how much how long. Things I do and don't do. It does help. I do see progress of being able to live some kind of NEW life as we know it now without my dear son of 22 yrs Eric. My heart will forever be broken, but I don't want to be broken my whole life. In some kind of way I feel if I go on living life it will celebrate my son's life. I don't think he would want me to "die" from life.
I feel very similarly to you Joan…I dont want to be broken my whole life. My brokeness lives within me, as yours does for your beautiful Eric, but it doesnt define my life in a completely negative way. I love the way you put it “I don’t think he would want me to “die” from life” so very true. I dont think any of our loved ones would want that for us ~ Maureen
I have lost my best friend, my daughter at the age of 18. Dallas was the love of my life and a very beautiful person inside and out. I love your article and the words you wrote, was the way I was feeling over and over again. I have not had my daughter with me since 12/4/11 and it is the hardest thing I will ever go thru in my life. I am like you, I don't think that the pain will ever go away and the anger that I am feeling right now is very bad. I have alot of hatred built up inside of me and cannot get it to go away. I don't know how to deal with it some days because it's so bad. I hope that I can get the relief that you did and soon. Thank you again for your article. God Bless you and yours…Brenda
I lost my Dad suddenly just over 2 years ago, he was so much more than a Dad and life is a struggle without him. I don't think we ever stop hurting from losing someone we love but we learn to live with it. I think our grief is the price we pay for love and I am forever grateful for the great Dad I had on this earth. I wouldn't change it for anything. Once grief knocks on your door I believe it becomes a part of you, a part of your life. Somedays it's stays buried, other days it bubbles up for the world to see but you learn to ride the roller coaster and just hang on tight when those super loops arrive !
I will never stop missing him until I leave this earth too to be with him again
thanks for all the great articles on your site
N
You describe grief so perfectly Niamh, thank you for sharing your heart ~ Maureen
it is truly amazing to me how u put into words how I feel. Thank You….. I lost my daughter 3 years ago 4/1/09.
My dad is so comsumed with the pain of my mom's death. He doesn't seemed to be progressing with his grief. He is so depressed, he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't live near him but call him once or twice a day. He won't visit me he has mom's dog that he takes care of and it's gets really ill from ridding. I am about 3 hours from him. My daughter is very near him but doesn't visit or call very often. Dad says it wouldn't help him anyway. Dad refuses to see a Dr., I think a mild med. might help him. It's been four months since my mom passed away, and mom and dad were married for 56 years, mom was 85 and dad is 78 he took care of her all through her illness which was probably all together from the time she started to get ill….about 10 years. I just don't know what to do to help dad, mom passed in a hospice house and they have classes there with councilors but dad went once and stopped going, he finds excuses not to go. Any advise would be appreciated.
Kathy
Kathy, men grieve very differently to how we might grieve and it is very natural to worry so about him. I know when my Mum died after my parents were together for nearly 60 years my Dad was the same and I was the same as you. All I could do was support him as best I could based on his decisions at the time. Its understandable that after 56 years together he is likely to be totally devastated and consumed by his grief. Its good he has a little companion and he will find his own way of getting through this difficult time. I’d suggest you visit my facebook page and post a query there for how others have traversed a similar situation such as yours http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief. Thinking of you ~ Maureen
Dear Maureen,
Thank you for all you comforting wisdom,I keep reading it but so far I do not feel any comfort. I feel so empty since the death of my husband, we had been together since we were 16. Life seems meaningless to me now.
Yvonne, sometimes we only have room in our hearts for pain and nothing else, especially in the early days of our grief. Sending you hugs Maureen
i also forgot i have nothing of his and wont get anything either. asked for a pendant with his ashes told absolutly not and i cant afford the pendant you have on your site. when does it some hurting when the one person that has the answer is gone
lost my son suddenly on august 14 2011 the pain is worse i miss him so much andlove him
miss my son
Hi Maureen, I cried as I read the posts. Right now I am visiting my daughters in Florida. They figured that coming down might help my deep grief. My wife passed away almost 3 years ago and I been in a continues depression and in a state of deep grief. I am an old korea war veteran but I race walk about 3 miles almost everyday to try to help my grief and deep depression. It helps a little. I became a poet since my wife died. We were married 49 years. At the moment I am in the strongist worse grief that I had ever suffered in my life. I have suffered depression most of my life. In 1996 I had the book that was my life story up to that time copyrighted. The title is. DEPRESSION FROM THE CRADLE TO THE GRAVE
A MEMOIR OF A LIFETIME OF DEPRESSION
It appears that the title is coming true. I had a very responsible job. I was an engineering manager at a high tech company. While working I would be suffering from deep depression but knew that I had to do a good job at work. I will be saying goodby this week to my daughters and return back home. I just wish that I could shake off this very deep grief before I board the plane and not carry it home with me. I must say that you are doing a great service to the people. To see some of my poems just GOOGLE
IRWIN DRESNER-POET. Thanks for helping so many people.
Sincerely
Irwin Dresner
I lost my precious 22 year old son Shawn to a drug overdose 2 weeks ago. I feel like everything is surreal and I’m looking at someone else’s life. I can’t help feeling total despair, sadness and anger at the same time. He had just come home from being in a 2 month rehab program where he was doing so well. I finally had my son back for those 2 months. He once again was the funny,charming, witty, warm, loveable boy we always knew before drugs got a vicious hold on him. He was only home for 2 days when he overdosed. I miss him so much it makes me sick. Yet I’m also so disappointed that he chose ti go back to drugs. All of us, his family and countless friends tried everything to help him. Im broken hearted and can’t believe I have to face the world everyday
I am so sorry for your loss I loss my dad Nov 3 , 2011 to flesh eating and now your saying what does that have to do with anything. Please dont be so hard on yourself, I am a recovering prescription drug addict it is a daily battle and he was very new out of the program. It doesnt make it any easier i just hope if you want someone to talk to who has dealt with drugs and the recovery process i am here. I am so sorry he had to pass that way as he was doing good. please if you need anything i will gladly talk to you