It hasn’t happened to me for ages but it happened to me twice this week. One I managed to dodge and the other came out of the blue surprising me with its impact and in a moment engulfing me with its fury. I’ m talking about grief triggers. Those events, sounds, smells, and sights that transport us wham, bham straight back into the pain of our grief.
It’s hard to say there’s anything good about them but I have found over time and based on this recent experience they blow in and out like a willy willy. A quick flurry of devastation and then gone!
Grief triggers are very individual, based on our own emotional experiences and responses to our loss. For me both were associated very particularly with my sons accident and last few days of his life. For you my triggers may be completely irrelevant or touch indeed a deep part of your own hurt. For others it will be a song which can transport you back in a moment and trigger a memory so powerfully tears will immediately well up and overflow with no abate.
They really are painful and don’t we wish we didn’t know just how much. It is often the unexpected ones that are the most difficult to deal with because we cannot be prepared. We cannot dodge them or avoid them in any way. They come to us suddenly and unbidden. A mini-second where our reactions are automatic and visceral and before we have time to pause, to control, to rationalize we are transported back to a deep remembrance within us and our pain explodes.
I will not know when the next one will come, if ever. Who knows? I do know that each time it might surprise me yet each time I will know more of myself, of my grief and of what it means to live with courage. To live with a strength I never knew I would ever need and to live always with a deep forever love in my heart.
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Last week I too had several grief triggers with music on the radio whilst driving my car. One song in particular, I love as did my husband and the memory was so powerful and sad. I couldn’t believe how low I went and realised that I would not be able to attend a concert by the singer/song writer who was in town this week. I had thought I was getting on top of my grief but these triggers just make me aware of how deep my love for my husband is and how deeply I miss him.
lost my mom in november…………my best friend…………distraught and cannot cope
My Angelversary is coming up and I have been having flashbacks to the day that we were told our son was KIA in Iraq. The phone calls that I had to make were an additional nightmare, listening to the grief of our family was horrible! I wish no one ever had to go through what we have gone through….
Warm, caring, gentle hugs go out to you. I am sincerely sorry for your loss.
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your letter about triggers of grief so strange i had one last night with a song that came on tv i went all to pieces for a while it seem like i was starting all over again with grief your letter was so true thanks
Hi Maureen. Yes this past week I have had a couple of these feelings re my beautiful dad and they both involved songs that were really special to us. I know and feel him around me all the time xo Chris
My most surprising ones are “junk mail” from fast food places we liked to stop at, or places we didn’t always go shopping at, unless one of us just happened to have an urge to. It’s not an always thing, ever, any more than the way it feels suddenly to be looking at a dish, or using a favorite hand tool–something hits, and I stop breathing for a moment while the world stops and backs up to a moment after Don died. I die again, a little bit, and for–I don’t know how long–don’t quite know how to get back to the moment. This has got to be what it means to love someone forever. And yet, I would never have given up the day we met, or the years we shared, even if I knew I would pay this price. The love is so much more, truly more.
This is so true….. I am not one to put things in writing but you took the words right out of my mouth and put it in writing – thank you so much for posting this.
One of my favorite Country songs by George Strait illustrates this point exactly, and I think of it often when I am feeling the pain of grief. The chorus goes: “Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed this pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” The Dance was amazing (and still is, honestly).
Thank you so much for your posting it really touched me. All this week I just felt like something wasn’t right and just yesterday I started talking about my mom and couldn’t stop crying and yes I’m still feeling the same way but I realized that it was what I needed to talk about her and how much I miss her soo.
Thank you for letting us know it is normal, well part of our new normal, to be swept off our feet by a trigger, transporting us back to those early days/weeks of grief. Sometimes feels like we are going backwards, but no we are moving forwards, but not always in a straight line, can be a bit of a rollercoaster ride, and these things come out of the blue!
We have just past our sons first Angelversary (1 year in heaven), the couple of weeks leading upto this date were probably the hardest, the anticipation and everyone aware of it. The actual day we got through, of course remembering him as we do everyday and those memories tucked safely in our hearts, where he now resides….always. If I think he has gone, and there is no connection….which sometimes also comes out of the blue, as a ‘what if’….it is very hard to cope and tend to fall in a bit of a hole. We keep the love alive by all the connectiions and wonderful memories. I have my wonderful memory pendant, which is a warm reminder close to my heart <3.
Guess we just have to get good at predicting and ducking and dodging those unforseen grief lightning bolts that strike sometimes. hugs to everyone….and especially you Maureen….so glad you keep in touch with your pearls of wisdom.
Yes that happens to me at the weirdest times.I can be sitting and something will trigger.I find it is mostly in songs that we knew together….Was glad to hear from you.Keep your notes coming,so I know I am not alone in my grieve…Thanks!!!
So glad you keep in touch with me. In my loneliness since my husband passed awa last April, it is so comforting to read your e-mails. Unfortunately, at the moment I suffer these triggers a lot each and every day. The first anniversay is coming up soon and I find myself mulling over everything that happened this time last year which is so painful. Thank you for your support.
Thank you Maureen once again for your words of comfort. l so needed this today.
My love thoughts are also with you and for everyone that is having to endure this never ending journey of loss.
It’s been 2 years since my Dad passed every time I go to visit my Mom the smell of the house reminds me of my Dad and it starts all over again the pain of him not being there.
Amazing all this week I have been feeling on the verge of crying. My love for my husband has gone stronger and deeper. He died suddenly without any warning. I was listening to a man tell his story of addition to drugs he had a ruptured aneurysm of his heart like my husband, he talked about how you can “drop death ” from his condition.Just those words made tears just flow in a crowded home. So good to get your words of comfort and that it is ok to cry still.
Hi Maureen good to hear from you hope all is well with you.
Thanks for the message to me you sent those words that i read are very comforting it is times like these my grief is intense at holidays times more especially as Mothers Day is coming up for me again.
It is not the dame for me anymore and never will be again.
Maureen, it is so ironic that your message today would be regarding grief triggers. I have had a few “down” days these past weeks, and even dreamed of my Dad twice within 2 weeks. He has been gone 20 months and I had not dreamed of him in all that time, but now twice in such a short period. In one dream I was actually hugging him. I woke up and felt a sense of peace at first, until I realized that it was “just a dream”. Thank you, Maureen, for your words of wisdom….they DO help and make me realize that it is okay to grieve for as long as you need. As someone said….”grief is an endless journey”.
Hi maureen some days I can here a song that we use to listen to .And I would be okey.Then other times I would here the same song and cry.Why? Thanks for your kind words .Linda
This came at the right time. I was at a Dr. appt. with my Dad this week and had to go inside to help him make another appointment. I turned around and looked down a hallway and there were people hooked up to chemo machines. I was overwhelmed with sorrow in an instant and tried hard not to cry in front of my Dad. It brought back the memories of Bob and I at all his chemo treatments. The pain he went through and how it didn’t help. Telling my friend afterwards what happened I broke down and cried. You are so right you never know when something will trigger the tears and grief.
Alice My husband Gary suddenly died from a brain aneurysm.He was never sick I miss him everday he was my whole world.Take care Linda.
Hello Maureen, I have had a hard time this last week, wondering what I might have said, or wondering what Cory was thinking and how he was feeling just seconds before his death. His as you know was a suicide and it’s so hard. He was 39 years old. There are so many unanswered questions. Just yesterday when I went out into the garage I could almost see him opening the service door and coming in to the garage saying, “hey mom”. It startled me for a second . I guess it’s just my mind wanting it so bad and thinking “maybe”, even though I know it will NEVER happen. I know I will always have questions and I know I can’t live in the “what if’s” and most of the time I do ok. Just like you said, “sometimes it just hits me out of the blue” Guess it will for the rest of my life. It will be 2 years this coming March 28th. Still seems like yesterday at times, when I got that call. I miss him so.:( I know he’s in a good place and out of the pain and misery of Bipolar Disorder, etc. It’s so hard. Had it been a heart attack MAYBE it would have been easier. I don’t know. I just know it’s hard losing a child. It’s just not suppose to be that way. I should have gone before him and I know all parents feel that way when they lose a child. It’s only natural. You have been such a big help to me through all of this. I can’t begin to thank you enough. I hope you are having a wonderful day . Hugs and lot’s of love being sent your way. Marilyn
Wow, Marilyn, when I first saw this I thought it was something I wrote for a minute. My son, Cory, died two years ago of suicide. He was 20 so when I saw your son’s age, I knew it wasn’t a posting I did without even knowing because of the heartbreak, I do things now and don’t even remember. My son also died on the 28th, January 28, 2011 and I still hear my son’s “Hi, mom!” with lots of enthusiasm. Weird connections but what you wrote is exactly how I feel. How sad. Parents should never lose their children. I’m looking for peace and haven’t found any. Robyn
Hi Robyn, I feel your pain and I too have not found peace with this. I wonder if we ever will, because of the way we lost them. Monday was an awful day. It’s been better the last couple of days but last night was not good. The pain is just too much at times. We WILL get through this though as we HAVE to for the rest of our loved ones. It’s the hardest thing we’ll ever have to get through , I’m sure. Yes , we will NEVER get over it, but we WILL get through it. Yes we seem to have a weird connection but it’s how we feel and it’s happened to both of us, losing our child by suicide. Just so sad. Please keep “getting through” this and I will too. Yes we’ll cry and have bad days too, and that’s part of the grieving, but we’ll get through it together. Thank you for getting in touch. Hugs. Hang in there and so will I. Marilyn
I sure miss your caring for us in your very special way. Thank you!
Jearrie
as always, your words are appreciated. as you can see from all the comments, we miss you maureen…..
Dear Maureen,
thirty five years, two years, one year…no matter the love stories we share of our losses…yes never ending grief when we least expect it.
Our only child, a young adult son died suddenly on Valentine’s Day 2 years ago….of the many different kinds of triggers we experience the cruelest has been the barrage of hearts ‘n happiness that hits us from every angle possible, and we find it near impossible to avoid the pain on that day universally linked with love…may we all find the strength to endure and carry on.
John, my heart goes out to you and I understand how you feel. We lost our only child (a young adult male-18) just before Easter 12. His first anniversary is Easter Sunday. Not much to celebrate and Easter will never be the same or any other holiday for that matter. As you said, may we all find the strength to endure and carry on.
You will certainly be in my heart, and my prayers on Easter….God bless you
John, Like you and Sherryl I also lost my son. 3 days before his 27th birthday. It was 2 1/2 years ago. I’ve come a long way in my grief journey but the triggers that Maureen and others here write about ae all too familiar. We all process our feelings and reactions to our grief in our own way and in our own time…as it should be. I’m at a point now where I can more easily take my thoughts of Raymond to the most precious memories I have of him rather than the horrific ones that come with a child who suffers with and dies from an addiction. I must admit though that all the holidays and special occassions are challenging as we approach them without Ray. I try to think more about the gratitude I have because I had my son to love and cherish for 26 years. This doesn’t always comfort me, but I do find it helping me more and more to get on with my life. Also, early on I was advised not to put any expectations on myself. I have found that to be some of the best advice I received. Blessings and warm hugs to everyone who comes here in need of comfort.
Karen Z recently posted..Warm Cocoa Lampwork Glass and Crystal Earrings by jewelryartbykaren
thank you Karen for your kindness and support…..time promises to be my friend, and I have chosen to believe that…I trust and hope the same for you and all of us who carry this heavy emptiness…… perhaps someday I will come to embrace Feb. 14th, the day my son passed, in a different, clearer, kinder light, but for now I’m afraid every utterence of ”happy Valentine’s day” I hear…every card or heart shaped candybox….every love filled TV commercial will be just another punch to endure….God bless and give us strength…..and time.
john
John,
I surely understand how cruel it is.. the experience when you realize that for others life goes on..cards, flowers, as you say “hearts n happiness”…I when in the earliest moments of grief could not understand how no one seemed to understand or realize that I lost someone dear..a very lonely awareness. I cannot even look at cards of “hearts n happiness”…or mothers day..fathers day..
You are already showing your endurance and strength to carry on..and we all will in our own time and way.
Bless you.
thank you Gerry, and God bless you too……..I just hate that I will never again have a Happy Valentine’s Day …. I hate it so very much
you hit it again maureen….its just uncanny..or maybe not. its what makes you the special person that you are and how you are able to reach out and touch us in the places where you yourself are being touched as you travel on your path thru the pain. i want to say something to anne rush. you are in pretty early grief and i know how painful it is. i also lost my mother – my best friend. shes been gone now for 15 months. i know you may not believe it – i didn’t ! it does get a little easier with time. i have many, many of the grief triggers. i still miss her everyday – she is never more than a split second away from my mind but never away from my heart.
I know only too well the grief triggers you mention so well. I lost my 27 yr. old son a year ago & I find myself seemingly coping well, but thenI see a slim young man with a hoodie walking down the street or the chocolate milk in the milk section of the grocery store and a thousand other reminders & all the grief comes back in a flash like a big huge kick in the stomach & I can’t breath……..the sheer emotional horror is too much at times. Perhaps it will always be like that. It comes & goes. I miss him too much…
On Feb. 15 a young student gave me a valentine book called, “I love you when,” and he wrote it for me, about my son, who died from a brain tumor in June 2012. This child didn’t know my son, but his valentine was touching. “I love you (when, crossed out) even though you’re gone. I love you when I hear your name (picture of a crowd of people saying my son’s name). I love you when I see you (picture of a crowd of people who all look alike, except for one stick figure wearing a different color shirt)” and so on. I’m thankful I got this at the end of the day, because I just broke down. All weekend long. And then some. And I’m still crying, a full week later, as I type this.
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Feb 26, 2013 will mark the first anniversary of my best friend/husband. Once I get through this day I, will have made it a full year alone and have felt the pain over and over again with each an every memory! Now I just wonder where or what I am to be doing in my life. Now I just feel as though I have existed this past year. I pray asking what God wants for me………..? I hope I find some direction soon!
Hi I’m back again to say I have grief triggers everyday its pretty much been everday since my mother passed away 2 1/2 years ago. I was blamed for her death. We had a disagreement over my son (her only grandchild). I remember saying mommy I’m upset right now I will talk to you later. She called my brother to talk about it and 1 hour later I was called at work saying she was being rushed to the hospital. When I got there she was on the vent. My family wouldn’t let me be with her calling me a murder. To this very day my family still don’t speak to me and I wake up every morning wondering if I was the cause, could I have done something different, DID I STRESS HER by being the only girl and depended on her? I wake up somethings feeling like it should have been me.
Thank you, Maureen. You put into words so eloquently the things I feel. It brings me comfort to know that others are facing life with similar burdens. My daughter’s birthday is coming up. Seems like every year the special days hit with a different force. This year, it has been an entire month of anticipation and just on the edge of crying. And we all just keep on keeping on!! Love, Dawn
Maureen, 02-22-82 was my son, Mikey’s birthday!!! He was 16 yrs when he was murdered along with my other son Adrian, 20 yrs on 06-06-98… Mikey turned 31 yrs old on Friday… I take these days off from work every year… Yes, it was a very difficult and stressful day!!! I went to visit my 2 sons on Friday… I took balloons for Mikey’s birthday and flowers for both… My sons were murdered at a birthday party, 8 people were shot but my 2 sons were the ones that died… They had just arrived when the cars drove by and started shooting… There is one male on death row for almost 15 yrs now, one male has a life sentence & 2 females have 75 yrs sentence… I pray JUSTICE will be done before it’s too late for me to be here to see it… My oldest son was an organ donor & we keep in touch with the heart recipient… My son Mikey died at the scene… It never gets any easier, it just depends on that moment when we will erupt…
My Wife asked me to have the Grand Father Clock repaired, she got sick with Small Cell Lung Cancer 12 monthes ago and died never smoked, I am triggered with grief occasionally, anyway I had the beautiful Oak Wood Grand Father Clocked delivered 7 months after her death it chimes every 15 minutes and on the hour it is a beatiful sound but I am triggered every 15 minutes I guess I have to shut it off, and when I want to get triggered I will turn it back on, this is funny what do you think Maureen.
Stan Gaunt
Stan you do what feels right for you. You may find in the future, it will be a comfort to you. There is no right or wrong ~ Maureen
Today is the year mark from when I picked her up from rehab. The ‘fork’ in the road for her. June 27th will be the one year angelversary, of the greatest loss of my life. Every single time I open the silverware drawer, a spoon I reach for, is a trigger. (she died from a injected speed-ball) It might as well be bullets, if she had used a gun. She was my best friend. She was the one I shared life with. I sleep where she died. (because she died where I sleep) I am hit the hardest when the day calms to a still, & I realize she is still gone. There are times when I feel her with me, but it’s not the same. I have never felt so alone & abandoned. I got pregnant with her, so somebody on this planet would love me, like I love them. Now she is gone, & that is gone. I feel like a freak that she is gone, & I’m still here. I strive to make the best of my life, but my heart isn’t in it. More times than not, I feel completely paralyzed with grief. I just don’t want to do anything. I still have lots of responsibilities that keep me in the game, but deep down even those are met with resentment. I realize that even if I had all the riches of the world, or could do anything on this earth that I wanted, none of it could began to balance this heartache. I have a beautiful 3 year old grand daughter, who does in deed make me laugh. But even that relationship is tainted by fear that something will take one of us from the other, & the fear of that grief is torment. Pray for me. Nothing can bring my baby back, but maybe one day I’ll get more use to it, & it won’t hurt as bad. xoxoxoxo Maureen & fellow grievers.
The time & date on this page seem to be incorrect. I posted this on March 13th, at 12:03 pm, not March 14th at 12:03 am. Thanks.
Rita, the time is set for Western Australian time, where I am and where I post from – hence the time difference you are noticing ~ Maureen