There is no worse feeling in the world than being amputated from the one you love. There is an earthquake between two people, a rift a million miles apart. There seems to be no little thing that can fill the gap and the ache of loneliness that sits inside of you now. There is an endless pain in the chasm of separation.Being lonely can touch you in many different ways.
There is the physical aloneness. There are no footfalls anymore. The phone remains still. The house is empty. There is a pillow all alone. There are clothes that remain unworn and a silence that is thick throughout every room. The voice you hear is yours alone and you ache for the companionship and the feeling of belonging that is now lost to you. You struggle through each day and are crippled when darkness comes. You wish for so much that can never be and you have never felt lonelier in your whole life.
There is the alone feeling that comes when nobody seems to understand. Other people don’t feel or respond to the loss in the same way that you do. Friends drift away or waft for a while. You get the look; you know the glassy one that means they are lost to your world. You begin to doubt yourself and become lost to who you really are, because it seems you can’t be yourself anymore, at least not with everyone. There is the ache in knowing that behind your smile is your suffering that they just don’t see. There is the splitting off of who you are when you have to hide your real self from the world.
There is the struggle of dealing with the grief, the pain of loss all alone, day in day out. No matter how many hands uplift you and hold you through the tears, it is you alone who has to do this. It is your grief, your pain, your feelings, your faith, your routine, your habits, your choices. That can seem an enormous and totally unreachable insight. To know that you have to delve deep within you to deal with this grief because when you look inside there are no resources, nothing for you to draw upon to help yourself. You’ve become totally depleted.
Then there is the loneliness that comes from looking at the world and knowing that you will never have again what they have and take so much for granted. You hear the ingratitude all around you in the way people speak to their children and their loved ones. You hear the moans and complaints and it makes you feel like screaming out loud and screaming at them. “Don’t you know what you have?” “You are so so lucky!” and then collapsing in tears because you wish you still had what they do.
There it is in all its ugliness, in all its truth. The loneliness of grief is not pretty but it is real. I have experienced all of the above, as have many others and that can in itself make you feel a little less alone, at least for a whisper in time.
For each and every one of those alone moments you will find your own way to deal with them but here are some suggestions that might help:
Your loved one’s physical presence has gone but they will remain a part of your life always. Keep your connections with them strong throughout each day.
Know your worst times of the day. Think about 2 or 3 things you can do at those times which might help you through.
Seek out and find someone you can truly be yourself with and be totally and absolutely honest with. Someone who understands and gets the you beneath the mask.
Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to feel all the pain, regret, guilt, anger, and sadness. Get your feelings out, express them and let them free to free you.
Fill your void, the depletion of you with something each day that will sustain you. Many people have told me they come to my Facebook page every day because it helps them and uplifts them. Find your daily dose of comfort and hope to face the coming days.
In all things be kind to you and give yourself the compassion you would give others. You are dealing with something huge, something enormous. Know that you are doing the very best you can right now and that is all you can ever do.
“Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it……” from Eat, Pray, Love
I'd love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below…
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of.
{ 106 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi there….it certainly helped me these kind words and yes it is up to me! True you hide behind a front* when your friends ask how are you..I dont think they have much of an idea how lonely and quiet it is in the home anymore, plus my way of living has changed completly! Its certainly lovely to hear how to cope a little better..Thanks sooo much..Will look forward to getting my Emails for the 30 days! Hugggsss Anne
I look forward to being with you over the next 30 days Anne, thank you for welcoming me. Hugs ~ Maureen
Hi Maureen – thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I lost my best friend of 22 years suddenly to a heart attack. I miss everything about her…her laugh, our fishing trips. She knew me inside and out. We raised our kids together. You are correct that others do not understand the loneliness and pain. I did take time off of work to be able to deal with the grief. I look forward to your words of comfort…..thank you. Donna
How very hard and difficult that must have been for you Donna. Its never easy to deal with losing someone we love so very much, but feel the presence of her with you in your heart and in your life each and every day ~ Maureen
Dear Maureen, Thank you for your inspirational writing. I have felt very supported by them. Your words are so true. I lost my beloved husband just under a year ago, we moved to a different country, and I have no family left alive. My friends all live many miles away, and although I have made new friends, I am totally alone, with noone to talk to about him, he was my best friend. Where there were two, now there is just one, literally, and the feeling of rebuilding a life from scratch is very daunting. Your site and words are a great comfort, x
You are facing many challenges in your life right now Ann..I am thankful that my writing is a support to you as well as a comfort. Hugs ~ Maureen
Dear Maureen,
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I lost my beautiful mother…my best friend 15 weeks ago and I was shocked to see the subject of the first words from you was loneliness. That is the theme that fills my days….I feel so lonely…so alone. Even though I have a wonderful caring husband and 3 great kids none of them can fill the place that she had in my heart. The one think I could always count on no matter how bad things were was my mother. She had my back….she was there no matter what. Just her touch could calm me, there is not another touch like that but now it is gone…..I am 48 years old and no matter how long I live I will never have it again. It is hard to go on about life as I did before. I was in the midst of a terrible day yesterday when I found you and I am thankful for that blessing. Thank you for sharing and caring. I am looking forward to the next email from you. Thanks again! Jenny
Jenny feel my hug it is such a little while those past few weeks. Keep her love and her presence in your life every day and perhaps write your missing in a notebook just for your Mum, it can be very healing. Talk to her, share with her…I believe our loved ones are around us in ways we know not of ~ Maureen
I know how you feel, Jenny. I am 37 and lost my Mom 7 1/2 months ago. She was my best friend. Now it’s just my Dad and I – I’m divorced and just broke up with the guy who was in my life (for 6 months) because he wasn’t “getting” my grief. I feel like no one understands. My Mom’s friends email me now & then, but her “best friend” who I always called my aunt has disappeared completely. she wasn’t around last year through all of that hell and I’ll never be ok with that. I can finally work, but if I don’t have enough to do, I think; which isn’t good. then I end up feeling whichever emotion comes along first. Today I’m lonely and alone….I feel invisible and unimportant. I’m so glad I found Maureen’s site…it does help. – Kelly
Hi Maureen,
I came across your website & FB page from a friend who had shared a link to your website on FB. I can't express to you how much what you are doing for people who have lost loved ones means. I received your introductory blog and you said EVERYTHING I have been feeling & have tried to put into words for others to understand. The truth of the matter is that it is difficult for anyone who has not lost a loved one so close to them to understand what you are going through until they themselves have experienced it. When you lose someone you love everytime you learn of someone else losing someone they love, you KNOW what they are feeling in those first seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, etc.
It is a pain that never goes away. Nothing you do or say can bring back who you lost. You are so right about that. No matter how much you will it to happen you know all the while it can never be. So you begin a quest of being the best you can be so you can be sure to see them again one day. It's so maddening and reassuring all at the same time.
I can't express my gratitude enough to you. I feel God used my friend to lead me to this website and you are an angel for doing this for any & everyone who has ever lost someone close to them. Thank you for what you are doing. Thank you so much!
May God continue to richly bless your work! You are an inspiration to so many!
Dawn O'Neal
Oh Dawn thank you so much, your words touched me deeply. Hugs ~ Maureen
Dearest Maureen,
I am so inspired by your lovely words. I am saddened that you have learned to inspire others to carry on, thru your own grief. I had decided I didn't belong on your site because like the man with no shoes until he saw a man with no feet, I felt like a wimp when I read the stories of those that have lost a child. My loss is so trivial compared to the loss of a child. I cannot even comprehend what it is like to lose one of my boys…not sure I am strong enough to get up every morning and continue with life. David and I had so many absolute wonderful years (the last 6 were a test to my love for him and his love for life) and not wishing him back to suffer another minute, my grief is EVERYTHING you described in your Newsletter. I feel alone even in a room full of people. I laugh on the outside and cry on the inside. My passion is traveling, but yet I sit frozen in our home…not a place I want to live, but don't want to leave.
May God richly bless you for your efforts with helping others. Thanks again for the Newsletter…it's just what I needed to know…I'LL BE OKAY and NORMAL (which for me is probably one of the first).
Blessings and peace I pray for us all!
Char thank you. You will be OK and what you are feeling is normal. There is no need to compare your grief. Your grief belongs to you, the hurt belongs to you and all that matters is the love you had for David and what that means for you ~ Maureen
Maureen- God has blessed you with a unique ministry. Your words encourage me so….and echo exactly what I've been going through…somehow it helps to know that some of my reactions and behaviors are normal, that others are going through it too. And what stood out to me in this, is that I HAVE TO DO THIS. No way around it, you have to go through it….and emerge, forged by fire, stronger. My daughter passed in March of this year and left behind her husband and 4 girls under the age of 10…..I couldn't have imagined that I could have done this, back to being 'mommy' after 28 years but I have with the help of the Lord and my faith. Some days are completely overwhelming, but I talk to my daughter constantly and feel her with me. My heart breaks for these little girls, but they are in His hands and He has truly blessed us through this all. Continue your good work!
Kathleen I hear from so many Mums who now begin again to care for their daughter and son’s beautiful children after such tragedy. I wish there was some way I could sweep away your pain, do the hard work for you, I so wanted someone to do it for me but you know….it is you and only you who can bring healing into your life. Its wonderful that your beautiful daughter’s presence gifts your life with love and connection – enjoy every moment. Hugs ~ Maureen
"amputated from the one you love".
I have never heard it put that way, but that is exactly how it feels. I now have to deal with a gaping, open would every day.
The good news: it's been just over a year and I am beginning to feel a bit of healing .
Thank you for your wonderful, inspiring words.
Oh Beth it is the crack in the heavy black curtains that life has become where a tiny shaft of light peeks through. It is an ongoing process of adjustment and keeping Donald in your life always. Hugs x
Thank you for the beautifully written and oh so comforting words of advice! I can’t tell you how many times I have thought I am so very alone..even around my surviving children, and husband..my daughter completed suicide on 10/04/2011, she left behind a beautiful 4 year old daughter..she is the only one who relieves my lonliness..she can make me really giggle, and really forget that horrible pain in my heart..except when she feels it too, than all we can do is cry together..I am in a custody dispute, but I know My Heavenly Father has gone before me in this matter to prepare the way, so that my tiny princess can finally experience peace in her life. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. Annamarie~
I am so very pleased that the words gave you comfort Annamarie and in the arms of your precious girl you feel life. Hugs ~ Maureen
Hi Maureen,
Thank you, these occasional e-mails that I receive from you "save me" if you will, from the constant recurring thoughts of what was, what could have been and what is. Sometimes I don't know which is reality any more. Justin, my 21 year old son was shot and killed last June 2011 coming home from a good friend's birthday party. He would have been 22 this past December and he was the father of a 3 month old precious little girl. Apparently it was an attempted robbery but the police have nothing for us. No leads, no suspects, nothing. No one reported hearing shots and my son layed there in the dark dying alone. I use to pray to God every night to keep my two children safe, now my relationship with God is strained. I know God has a reason for everything and I'm not blaming him for some other humans actions but why aren't we allowed to understand instead of just wondering why? The last 8 months have been gut-wrenchingly painful. I hate to wake up in the morning because I know I must "exist" wearing a mask at work all day until I can TRY and sleep in the evening, it's the only relief. I know it's wrong, but when it gets too much to bear, I day dream and make myself believe that he is still alive and he, his fiance and his daughter who is now 11 months old are living a happy life. I know it's wrong, but again, it's the only relief while I'm awake. I'm trying to be strong because I have family that need me, my 24 year old daughter, my husband, my grandaughter and her mother who I now consider a daughter. Every day is a struggle but I don't want to hurt any of the people I love and that love me more than they have already been hurt. They too are suffering and I don't want to contribute to that. So, I go on wearing the mask, day dreaming when I feel the need and fall apart when I'm alone. I know it's said that it gets easier to deal with as time goes on, I just can't imagine it yet. What's getting me through and keeping me going is my other loving family and knowing that with the grace of God, when it's my time, I will see my son again. My heart and compassion goes out to all who have experienced the loss of a loved one.
Oh Vickie the pain is palpable in your words but how freeing for you that you can finally put voice to what you hold in your heart each and every day. I dont know if you are getting my free email series, if not please do. I really think it will help. Hugs ~ Maureen http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/
i also go to macebook everyday & look forward to anything new you put on, quotes or pictures, i often "share" them alot of the time. Each one does in deed give me new hope for the day! THANK YOU MAUREEN!!! =)
**FACEBOOK, sorry!
I am so very pleased it does Marlee, say hi next time you are there ~ Maureen
this July 11th will be 15 years since my firstborn son committed suicide, he left behind a beautiful son who misses him as much as I do, the grief is never ending it has changed my life completely and it has changed me forever, there is also a huge burden of guilt, I was as close to him as a mother can be I thought there was nothing he could not or would not tell me, I was wrong and I will always feel I should have seen it and been able to stop it..I should have known.
Oh Cheryl, the pain of a mother’s grief and the guilt that sits heavy in your heart. Here is a copy of a post from my Facebook page today, I hope it helps you. Hugs ~ Maureen
“We all make mistakes in life…we say things, we do some things, we make decisions and then wish we hadn’t. We didn’t do, we didn’t go, we didn’t say.
All this becomes amplified hugely when someone we love dies…..because we can’t go
back and make it “right” no matter how much we ache with wanting to.
Be gentle with yourself today for all those things that you feel you should’ve, could’ve or would’ve done. You did all that you could do.
Forgive yourself today with gentleness and love because your loved one is all forgiving in their heart for you ♥”
Thanks so much for your comforting words. It amazes me how so much of the things you say in your writings, I have and am sure I will continue to feel. You are a great inspiration to all who are experiencing the loss of someone who has shared their life for many, many years. Thanks!
Thank you Kathy…
Thanks for the post Maureen:)
i can relate to the post as well, i believe we all experiecne moments sometimes
i think we can always make the best out of the experience and learn something new
Your words help me get thru the day and know I am not alone. Grieving everyday is a battle everyday, and the thought of this for the rest of my life is daunting. Everyone says it will get better and want to beieve it, but not now. I want to be the happy go lucky person I used to be, but she is gone, Used to help so many before Sara's passing but now the people I know are not there for me:) Didn't realize how people desert me.
Thank you Linda…it is crippling in the early days of grief, you feel like you will never survive and most times you feel like you dont want to. I can only reiterate what you have heard before it does ease and there is possibility of “better” in the future. It takes lots of heartache and lots of just moving step by little step. Its a hard realisation that people do desert us but you will find others who will step into your life and accept you for who you are now and who you are yet to become. Hugs ~ Maureen
Hi Maureen..You are so right on all the things you wrote..I just love going on your sight,cause if people don't go through it they just don't know..I like the sentence "I know as now I could just scream and say as you""Don't you know what you have___You are so so luck !!"Some friends and family just walked away as nothing had happen and it make me so sad..They just don't know what they have good for them right now…I am starting also some sessions given by a hospital minister that does palliative care.He has session one on one or as a group.I am going to try and see how I am going to get along,but I will still enjoy hearing from you ..I love opening my computer and having you in my emails .You are my inspiration…Take Care–Soft hugs
I lost my mom in 2009 (age 66) despite 10 hours driving time apart we spent hours a day together on the computer and as she became sicker on the phone. Each day is still hard. Time has not helped… I see people who tell me they don't see their children much and I want to tell them … Life is really short – don't regret your lost chances. In March it will be 3 years and I still feel pain. Loneliness was a great way to describe how I feel. I got a small dog lat summer and she helps with my grief. Thank you for this site.
I just want to thank you for sharing on Facebook. I lost my mother a year ago February 24th and have been lost. I went to counseling shortly after to try to help me and it simply did not help. No one has been very supportive because they can’t identify with my pain. My husband has tried but he just can’t relate. I do feel alone and this year has crushed me. I’ve struggled to exist. Your page is helping me so much. Your comments are true to grieving and help me identify with my feelings. Thank you very much and please continue sharing
Hi Maureen,
I really liked this post and you gave some excellent advice.
I agree, with grief it's really important allow yourself to grieve and express the sadness. As you say, giving ourselves permission to grieve is what will help us to get over the pain. It needs to be let out.
Hiten recently posted..Hanging out over at Unlock The Door
At the age of 37, I never imagined I would be going through this! Loss!! Grief!! Pain!! I just lost my husband after him missing for 11 days! Hypothermia took his life! How can that be? He was such a strong man! He had no fear! He was my soul~mate! The love of my life!! I haven’t even touched the surface of the grieving process, I haven’t even accepted that he’s gone! We have a 2 year old little boy & he asks for Daddy every day! I have his Daddy’s picture on my phone & he puts the phone on his pillow every night & kisses him & tells him good~night!! I feel so empty & lost, scared & so alone!! I want to curl up in a corner & cry till I just melt away!! I never thought I’d feel such horrific pain & loss! Everytime the reality that he’s really gone flows through my mind, I get this overwhelming feeling that cripples me! I can’t handle it! I don’t want to feel that pain, it’s too much! So, I just avoid it! I don’t know how to live without him! He was my rock, my everything!! How am I supposed to be strong when he was my strength?
Your writings are comforting! I can’t say that I’ve put any of your suggestions to use, but I can say that, in the very moment I’m reading your writings, I’m ok!! So, I hang on to those moments, even if they are only a few mins, cuz it’s all I’ve got! Your words are the ONLY thing I’ve found comfort in! And believe me I’ve been looking!!! So, thank you!!
Feel my hug Julie and often it is in the moment to moment we get through ~ Maureen
I wish I would of come to this site a lot sooner. My husband has been gone two years this past Jan. It still feels like yesterday. I don't know how to get past it. I pretend to be ok but I can't seem to get past the grief. The post helped me to know I am not alone. I am still trying to lean how to let the grief out. The five years my husband fought cancer I had promised him I would always be with him through every thing. Never spent one night alone even in the hospital. The thing was I had to be to strong. If he saw me upset he lost it. So I had to get tough and never cry. Just so he could get through everything. He is with God now and I am so alone. My kids are wonderful but they have no clue. I still wonder why is the sun out today. Thank you for your post. and for allowing me to post.
“Don’t you know what you have?” “You are so so lucky!” and then collapsing in tears because you wish you still had what they do."
Maureen, I am also one of those people who reads your facebook messages every day, I have found them more comforting then anything else I read. And your words always touch me so deeply, because you always have a way of putting into words exactly how I feel. Thank you!
Dear Maureen,
Thanks for your kind words and understanding the pain of loss. You are making a difference. Thanks so much
Don't even really know how i fund your site. I have someone from another grief site, who posted on my FB, and all i did was follow. Nice, things happen for a reason. I would really like to bounce somethings off of you. I am almost done with my Masters in Psychology, but my oldest son, 29, died, right when I was starting my hours. I am trained to help others with this stuff; and even though it's been almost 16 mos., I am finding it hard to even get my butt back into the swing of finishing my hrs in order to graduate. Any help would be appreciated! Elizabeth
Don't even really know how I found your site. I have someone from another grief site, who posted on my FB, and all I did was follow. Nice, things happen for a reason. I would really like to bounce somethings off of you. I am almost done with my Masters in Psychology, but my oldest son, 29, died, right when I was starting my hours. I am trained to help others with this stuff; and even though it's been almost 16 mos., I am finding it hard to even get my butt back into the swing of finishing my hrs in order to graduate. Any help would be appreciated! Elizabeth I have no faith left, so I don't even want to go there…….
Elizabeth it is a hard road clambouring back up into life again after the loss of someone we love so very much. You will do it in your own time, when it feels right for you. If you havent already, I would suggest you get my free email series, it may be a start of sorts for you ~ Maureen
http://esdeer.com/living-after-loss-when-you-dont-know-how/
I am not doing very well dealing with the loss of my oldest son Christian on May 3, 2011. He came on leave from the Air Force to be with us after his grandpa, my dad passed away on April 23. He was 21 turning 22 in June, he went to a friends house that night to play video games, he was just down the street about six blocks from home, Christian and his friend, Scott was in a car accident and they both did not make it, all I was told was severe blunt force head and chest trauma, they weren’t wearing seatbelts and both was thrown from car through drivers window. There was little damage to thr itself, I just don’t understand how, why, he always wore his belt why not then, why was they out driving, how did this happen! I miss him so much and it seems like everyday I wake up and go through losing him everyday, I have three more children, Zach 20, Jake 16 and brianna 12, they miss their big brother so much, and they watch mommy try to make through each day, Im worried about them and how I am affecting their lives, Im not letting leave house very much, of course to school but that’s about it, Zach has since quit college and stays home with me, I’m so scared to let them out of my sight. I just don’t know how to do this nothing is the same and I know it wont ever be, I just want my baby back and I do know I cant but I don’t know how to be without him, the pain is horrible and Im lost.
Regina my heart goes out to you as one mother to another who has lost a beloved son. The pain defies description and the fear that something may happen to our other children is crippling. Feel my hug, I am thinking of you ~ Maureen
Thank you for this website. I lost my husband on June 16, 2011. He was helping out a fellow firefighter cleaning up some trees, and one tree didn't have enough strengh to hold up and it snapped, and hit him. He was killed instantly. My whole life changed that day. The loneliness is what I am struggling with. I don't remember how I found your website and upon reading all the steps, It is exactly how I feel and it gets me. Reading your website helps me get through the day. When I am in my worst day, I go to the lake and walk the beach to get an inner peace from him. Looking forward to hear from you for 30 day…Love, love your website. Thank you so much..
I find your words so comforting. Yes, lonliness can be. Very painful. And debilitating. Take special care today, friends! I am going to try and rake yard, plant some flowers.. xo
Its the thought of not being able to share your life with your child that you have loved and cherished all their life and now their not here anymore! This is what is tearing my heart out!My son Kevin. All the things I think about not huging him it really leaves me in tears! Not talking or hearing him. I really do not understand why God would allow this feeling!
It does indeed tear our hearts out Linda and tears become part of everyday life for many a day. Feel my heart touch yours for your beautiful son Kevin ~ Maureen
Maureen, Thank you so much for your posts. This is where I am right now. My husband died on Dec. 15, 2011 and I seem to have gotten better with the pain, but the loneliness is killing me. I can't imagine living like this for another 20-30 yrs. I just don't know what to do. I love God and know he has my best interest, and that all things work for good. But being alone is the worst thing Iv'e had to do.
Maureen, its been three months now since my husband passed away, and I am doing everything in my power to heal. My grief counselor says I am stuck in my grief, I am so trying to pull myself out, but it seems like the more time passes the worse I feel. Reality has set in and I just cant believe he wont walk through the door again. Reading everyone else's post help me, I realize others are having the same feelings as I do, so I know what is going on with me is normal. The loneliness is the hardest thing, even of there are a room full of people I still feel so alone. He was my life and we were as one, now I feel as if part of me is gone, which in truth it is. I know God has his reasons and I pray everyday for him to help me find comfort. Thank you so much for all your words and encouragement . I found this sight even before he died, just didnt know I would need it so soon, but I am thankful for having you in my life, God Bless you and thank u so much for all you are doing for me.
Marie I am so thankful you are here and feeling supported. Three months is such little time to wrap up a life and move on. Please don’t feel discouraged – be you and who you are and grieve in your own way. Let yourself feel how you feel and you will begin to heal little by little in your own time ~ Maureen
Since my husbands death,when I run into someone I know in town, they will ask how I'm doing, and if I am over my time of grief !!! Not exactly those words, but it's what they mean. I tell them I'm fine, But on the inside I'm shouting, NO, I'M NOT FINE ! ! !, My heart is torn to shreds, I'm hurting, I'm lonely, my one true love and best friend is gone. How can I be fine?! You don't want to tell people how you really feel. Some will say,' you're just feeling sorry for yourself.' Or, ' you're too emotional.' Or,' get over it.' So I tend to stay at home and don't talk to many people. What do you say to people like that? Since I found you on FB, you have helped me a lot. God bless you for your understanding & thoughtful words.
Deborah, that is so common to all of us, who know so well the pain we feel beneath the mask of social niceties. This article might be of interest to you http://esdeer.com/just-get-over-it/ ~ Maureen
It has bee 6 days since I lost my friend, my love, my husband. I am finding that the evenings are the most difficult. When we would have dinner and sit watching TV while holding hands. I am thankful that he is no longer in pain as the last 5 years were filled with pain for him and watching him go thru it was so painful for me. Although our children and grandchildren are a great source of comfort the lonliness is there. I know that I am new to this and friends and family are planning things for us to do but I am not really interested. I know that I have to build a new life but am unsure how to go about it. St. Patricks Day has always been a fun holiday for our family (my husband was of Irish descent). and it was fitting that he chose that day to go (he had said a few weeks before that he would like to have the whole family together for St. Patricks Day). I know that I am rambling but my thoughts are all jumbled. Thank you for giving me a place to share my grief.
Toni, it is not even a week that your husband has gone, it takes time for us to get to know our emotions and the anguish that is our grief. Do what feels right for you at this time, there is no rush to do that which others would wish you to, listen to your heart. If you havent already please do get my free booklet, it is especially helpful for early grief http://www.esdeer.com/hope ~ Maureen
For the new people here, my sincere condolences. I lost my son 16 mos ago, and I feel each and every ones pain. All I can do is take one day at a time, but even then, I can get the wind knocked out of me. Sometimes, I can't even feel as if I can breathe. I miss my firstborn, my Michael, so much at times, that I could scream.
You are gifted beyond words. Thank you for sharing your thoughts which perfectly align with mine. Often people will say “the first year is the worst”. After my first major loss I waited to pass that first year marker to feel better. Then I thought something was wrong with me because the hole in my soul remained. After enduring the loss of many precious people in my life I have come to believe that mY pain is a testimony to the wonderful love we shared. I also continue my relationship with my loved one…just in another dimension.
Thank you for your insightful words when the world just continues on with business as usual.
Wow, this article describes the very feelings that I have to a T! As I sit here with tears streaming down my face I feel a bit of a release of the grief that I have not allowed myself to feel. I lost my son Dennis, my best friend, on July 3, 2011. The pain is still sometimes unbearable. I'm so happy that I stumbled upon your page and I do come here daily to seek comfort from your words.
I read you status's every day on facebook, I lost my husband, my friend, my back up 11 months ago, we only had nine weeks from diagnosis, it was heart wrenching for myself and my children and everyone that knew him. I am lost and dont know how to move on, but know i have to , and start to mend.
It is such a difficult thing to do Cathie, and it starts often with the decision to try as you have ~ Maureen
Cathie, I lost my husband 5 1/2 months ago. I know what you are feeling. The sense of loss….of lonliness …just for him, is sometimes overwhelming. The tears will come often, and will give relief for a time. Finding this site has helped a lot…..hearing others stories so similar to my own. Maureen, you are a Godsend. THANK YOU! Cathie, I pray that you have the healing you so need. God Bless You All.
i lost my wife of 56yrs 4 months ago and i just can not get my life togather again i can not go to our bedroom and sleep anymore imiss her so much the nights are the worse your stories help but i am so alone
Don it is crippling and the loneliness is so hard to deal with. Looking through the comments here and on my latest post there are other widowers who are feeling very much as you do, you may want to connect with them for support and understanding ~ Maureen
Donald, please just stay here with us, and keep reading, and corresponding……we all lean on one another. Do you have a Facebook set up? It makes it easier to "talk" with one another. Maureen, you are great for what you do here.
HI, I AM A KOREA WAR VETERAN. MY WIFE PASSED AWAY 10/05/2009.
I BEEN BY MYSELF EVER SINCE. I SUFFERED FROM SERVERE DEPRESSION MY ENTIRE LIFE AND THE SEVERE GRIEF HAS MERGED WITH THE DEPRESSION AND HAS MADE IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE WITH IT. I HAVE NONE OF MY CHILDREN LIVING NEAR ME AND THERE ARE TIMES THAT THEY DO NOT CALL ME FOR A WEEK EVEN THOUGH I CALL AND LEAVE A MESSAGE.
I KEEP MYSELF BUSY WRITING POEMS, SOME ABOUT MY COUNTRY, SOME ABOUT MY WIFE. YOU CAN SEE THEM BY PLACING INTO GOOGLE SEARCH BOX –IRWIN DRESNER POET.
SINCE MY WIFE PASSED AWAY MY NEIGHBORS DO NOT SAY HELLO OR EVEN WAVE TO ME. THE LONELINESS IS KILLING ME. ITS THE WORSE FEELING THAT I HAD EVER SUFFERED EVEN COMBAT WAS NOT AS BAD. ITS ALMOST 3 YEARS AND I TRY TO RACE WALK EACH DAY AND COOK MYSELF GOOD MEALS. MY FRIEND DO NOT CALL ANY LONGER AND WHEN I GET TO BED I BEGIN TO CRY. SOMETIMES I GO TO THE FOOD COURT OF THE LOCAL SHOPPING MALL AND TRY TO WRITE NEW POOEMS BUT GET VERY DEPRESSED WHEN I SEE SO MANY PEOPLE WITH THEIR MATE AND I AM ALL ALONE. WHEN I GET HOME I ARRIVE IN MY EMPTY HOUSE AND CRY. THE NIGHTS ARE TERRIBLE. I TRULY SEE NO FUTURE LEFT IN MY LIFE. THANKS FOR READING AND FOR ALL YOUR HELP TO THE PEOPLE. IRWIN
Irwin it is such a sad place when our hope has gone and we feel so alone. I feel very much for what you are going through. There are some other gents here feeling the same as you do, you may want to make contact with them for support and connection. ~ Maureen
I lost my younger and only brother, he was 19 and I was 23. It was 3 years ago in a car accident, I was his passenger.
Just to read your words gave me a glimmer of hope that there are so many people who can identify with how isolating grief can be in all it's forms, I just haven't found any of them in person yet.
Before the accident life had reached an all time high, I had just completed my first year of med school after a long battle to get a place and my brother had finished school and got a full time job for his gap year. Everything was pretty great I had made a lot of lovely new friends and felt really happy.
Now I'm the complete opposite, every day is a fight to make progress. I have no job and no idea what I want to do (I suffered a head injury and others which meant med school became impossible) Friends, family and strangers who know what happened, don't treat me the same way. I live at home with my parents which is very isolating and I feel like a child again.
I know I can get through this, I'm no quitter, some days will always be bad and today is one of them, but gladly it led me to this article so thank you for writing about it. Grief seems to be such a taboo subject. Seeing people taking life for granted or doing bad things to others only makes it harder to deal with and you have summarised the complex emotions perfectly.
Georgina the devastation about the loss of someone we love is so very hard to find words for and I am glad in reading this you know that there are those who do understand. If you are on Facebook and you havent already please do come by my Stepping through Grief facebook page where you will find understanding and support from many who are waling through grief together http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief ~ Maureen
I HAVE POSTED BEFORE BUT MY GRIEF AND LONELINESS HAS GROWN SO STRONG THAT I DO NOT KNOW IF I CAN TRULY CONTINUE LIKE THIS. I TRULY HAVE NO HUMAN CONTACT. IT'S 2 1/2 YEARS SINCE MY WIFE PASSED AWAY. I BEEN ALONE EVER SINCE. COMBAT WAS EASIER. HAVE A GOOD WEEK.
IRWIN
Georgina, please stay with us and continue to read. Maureen has been a Godsend. I never thought that I could even just get up in the morning after losing my oldest son at age 29. It never goes away, it just hopefully gets easier. I'm sending hugs!
THANKS SO MUCH ELIZABETH. I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE FEELING AFTER LOSING YOUR SON. I WISH YOU PEACE AND HOPE THAT EVERYTHING GROWS EASIER FOR YOU. IRWIN
I DID NOT BELIEVE THE SUBJECT "AFTER DEATH CONTACT" UNTIL THE FOLLOWING HAPPENED
ABOUT 2 YEARS AFTER MY WIFE DIED, I WAS SITTING ON MY COUCH WATCHING TV WHEN I NOTICED
A FLY SITTING ON MY COUCH WHERE MY WIFE WAS SITTING. I WAVED MY HAND CLOSE TO IT AND IT FLEW AWAY ONLY TO RETURN A LITTLE WHILE LATER TO THE SAME PLACE. I PLACED MY HAND NEXT TO IT AND IT DID NOT FLY AWAY. IT WAS THERE FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR. WHEN I WENT TO THE BED ROOM IT WAS ON THE HEADBOARD OF MY BED. AGAIN IT WOULD NOT FLY AWAY WHEN I PUT MY HAND CLOSE TO IT. WHEN I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM IT WAS ON THE SINK. I WAS TAKING PICTURES OF ALL THE EVENT. IN THE MORNING IT WAS ON MY KITCHEN TABLE AND STAYED THERE UNTIL I TOOK MY FOOD TO MY COUCH TO WATCH THE NEWS. IT THEN WENT BACK TO THE SAME PLACE ON THE COUCH. WHEN I WENT TO BED THE EVENS REPEATED. IT WAS WITH ME FOR 3 DAYS AND THEN DISAPEARED. DURING THIS TIME I HAD TAKEN AT LEAST 20 PICTURES OF THIS WITH MY I PHONE CAMERA. I WAS WITH ME 3 DAYS AND THEN DISAPEARED., A YEAR LATER THE FLY APPEARED BUT ONLY FOR ONE DAY. IT LEFT ME VERY DEPRESSED. IRWIN
Thank you Irwin…..who knows what to think about the fly staying with you? My son who passed, used to tell me that he thought that God was in nature, so who knows how we come back to this world? I once did an in depth report on the Japanese culture and interviewed a high Buddhist priestess. Buddhism very much follows the credo of letting other living things live, for when we reincarnate, we never know what form we will be in. I say, it is what ever you feel is was/is. Take care!
13 Years ago I became caretaker for my mom. During this time She has had a heart attack, lost a leg, Diabetes, kidney failure(waiting to start dialysis, and in the past month a stroke. I have been divorced for 18 years, 3 years ago I met the most amazing man, even though he lived in another state we were able to talk, email,skype and eventually visit. We finally became engaged, but by then he had been diagnosed with cancer. He died a year ago but it seems like just yesterday.. I miss him so much. I continue taking care of my mom, work outside the home and have raised 2 kids during this time. I still cry myself to sleep and wonder what my purpose is in life. I have been in church all my life, and still take my mother to church when she is able, but feel completely lost.
Feel so much for you Faith ~ Maureen
HI, My deep grief and lonliness is totally killing me. I been living by myself for almost 3 years since my wife passed away. I have no one living near me. I am by myself 24 hours a day and many times find that I can no longer live like this. Combat was easier. Each night I just hope that I never wake up. My daughters who live in Florida hardly call me even when I leave messages. I been taking care of myself for almost 3 years and I truly do not know how much longer I can do it. My grief is so bad that it is with me 24 hours a day and I see nothing left in my life at all. Happy fathers day to all. irwin
Sending you warm hugs today Irwin ~ Maureen
Hi
OMG You get it!!!! Thank you!!!
My Mom was having a more and more difficult time swallowing. She had reflux (GERD) now and then, but when she did, it was very severe.
Last april, she was diagnosed with esophageal cancer…there was no cancer in my family. Everything on the internet was doom & gloom; you won’t survive. Period. She was put on a feeding tube so she could get nutrition, as she got to the point of no longer being able to swallow.
We did chemo and radiation TOGETHER, which, we were told is very unusual. The chemo was so strong that it put her in the hospital on both rounds. She then had surgery in October to take part of the esophagus out (“esophagectomy”). They linked her thrachea to her stomach.
The first day that she ate real food in 5 months was amazing! We read that she could not eat and drink at the same time….there had to be a certain timeframe between them. She also had to eat so many hours before lying down. That night, the hospital kitchen was late serving dinner.
The next morning, she was having trouble breathing. As it turned out, she was allowed to lay down too soon and therefore aspirated into her lungs. She spent the next 7 weeks in the ICU, on a ventilator. She had 4 infections. Despite trying almost daily, they were unable to get her off of the ventilator.
She wanted to die. I could feel angels in her room the week before. The doctors tried everything…Mom even let us try steroids, which was a last ditch. I know she tried them for my Dad and I and I thanked her for it.
We let her go on a Monday night. There was nothing else to do.
I am an only child and my parents had been married for 39 years; she was 61 when she passed. She was the most energetic person I’ve ever seen! She was literally my best friend and the closest thing I had to a sister; she was my Dad’s world. She and I rode our horses together for 14 years.
I’ve read many books on loss & grief, so I know that I am ‘normal’. What I am experiencing is normal. The pain is immense. It is getting better, but it takes a lot of time. There have been times; however, that I have felt that I’m insane. Up, down, up, down. Definitely a rollercoaster. I don’t want to be here without her. All of this, as well, I’ve read is normal.
Thank you for giving me a place that understands.
I am sorry to hear all you have been through with your Mum Kelly, thanks so much for your special words ~ Maureen
Hi, Kelly. yes, this site has been a Godsend, and so is Maureen, for providing us all a place for refuge. I lost my 29 yr. old son, unexpectedly in Nov 2010. Please keep on writing and I will always check in to see if you are here! ((((hugs)))) Take care, Liz
Maureen,
I started searching the internet for some direction. Since I am typing this through tear blurry eyes I know I have hit the source of my current grief mountain. I lost my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life 5 years ago. I have grieved and ran and moved and tried and sought and befriended and loved and tried and ran……and I am here today, so totally lonely. I am lost without a mate. I have had the pets, the friends, the lovers, the night life, work, family. I lost everything that year. My daughters both were married and moved on, I started menopause and then lost my husband. I lost everything. I have been through all the steps. I have tried multiple sources of meeting someone. I am continually faced with men that do not wish to be in relationship. I lost my husband who adored me, my children who have families of their own and apparently my ability to attract a mate. I now know it will take time or may never happen. I have been with people my whole life. Shared a room with two sisters, married young. I find myself painfully alone and lonely and I don’t have the tools to cope. I don’t know how to be alone and happy. The statement about looking at the world and wanting to scream and realizing I will never have that again is right where I am. I am a lost soul and although I make it every day, I am an empty shell of what I was. I am thinking of seeking counseling but I don’t know what kind I need. Grief? ? Don’t know. I am at a road block and I don’t have the strength to clear it. I am questioning my worth. I see the world where youth is king. Part of that is being out in the social world and watching with my bruised ego as all the younger women get attention and it’s coming from the men MY age. It’s a losing battle. And so I decide to give it up and then I face my lonely home and life. I am stuck. Stuck in the middle of facing lonliness or facing social superficial BS.
So thank you for putting the ugly truth in words I could read and realize that this is my pain. Maybe I can find a way through it to happiness. I am really so lost without a mate. I watched my husband die. I know he is gone. That life is gone. But I really thought there could be happiness again. I just never thought it would be so hard to find.
Hugs,
Cindy
Feel for you so much Cindy – please dont give up. Seek out a counsellor who you connect with and who can help you find your way through back into life again ~ Blessings Maureen
Hi Cindy, Tears came to my eyes as I read your post. I lost my wife 3 years ago. I live by myself and my children who live in other state hardly call me. My grief and depression is very severe. I became a poet since my wife past away. If you google IRWIN DRESNER–POET you should see some of my poems. I tryed some of the matching services , put down my requirement but they were sending me contacts hundrens of miles away. I was paying for this. Cindy I wish you all the luck in the world. Irwin
Cindy, I know exactly how you feel, How are you getting through this? I lost my husband of 40 years this year in july. I can’t bear this pain and heartache. We were everything to each other, We were one and now half of that is gone. I lost my half when I lost him. I don’t want to go on with this every day. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Irwin and Judi,
We know we are not alone in our pain but we must face it alone. We can relate to each other and offer some kind words but ultimately it is our own work. I would like to say that it gets better. I does change. It gets easier to laugh and enjoy parts of life. But in reality, our old lives are gone into a million pieces of sand. We can’t get it back. We can only find the tools to cope, one day at a time.
Hugs to both of you and know that I have thought and prayed for you today.
Cindy.
I like how you don’t try to bouy the reader into feeling like they have to do anything. It’s more about acknowledging—not an advice column. It just sucks —just is so final and ugly–as you said. I am not my normal self at all. I fake it all the time. See myself pleasing others when alone I can barely move. I don’t know how others have done it throughout time and continue too. Don’t know how anyone loses a child, especially an only child, without just dying themselves. (I couldn’t do it if I lost my one daughter who is 24 and very self sufficient.) My husband and I didn’t have the best relationship, but it our connection and bond was like a ten mile wide and ten thousand mile long wharf compared to what there is now.
It will be 6 years in March and I still miss him with every breath I take, life has lost its luster for me and I fear this will last forever. I am so lonely for him and I miss my life with him in it. I have always fought depression even as a child and I think it has one and I will feel this awful forever! Life is nothing without my husband!
Hi Peggy, I hope that you are feeling better. My wife passed away 3 years ago. Like you my grief and depression has been very servere. I to suffered from depression my entire life. In 1996 I had my book copyrighted. It was the story of my life living with life long depression. Now the grief has merged with my depression making it unbearable. My children live far away and hardly call. Peggy I truly can understand how you feel because I feel the same way. Today I did not leave the house. I just been writing poems. You can see some of my poems by going to google and typing in the search box -
IRWIN DRESNER–POET
I hope that you feel better soon. Have a good week. Irwin
I lost my husband of 40 years this past July 13th. I Physical Therapist broke his back and his heart failed after his second surgery. He had been very sick for the past 7 years. Bladder CA, COPD, Heart failure and Kidney failure. I was his care giver and now I am lost. I was very lucky. Those 40 years were wonderful. We were best friends and we did everything together. I can’t look at anything or think about doing something that we didn’t share together. Everyone says the hurt will get better. I’m sorry but I don’t believe it ever will. I was a young girl of 20 when we married. I know that no one has the answer to the questions I ask every day. I am lost in this world without him.
It is natural to feel so lost Judi and nothing can fill you up as his love and presence did. But you will find your ways to get through, moment by little moment and he will be with you, so near and yet so far x
My days keep getting harder to cope with. The pain is enduring, I don’t think it will ever leave me. It was bad enough he was so sick for 7 years but to have a Therapist break his back and his heart to fail was so unexpected. The irony is I worked in healthcare with therapists for 21 years. Who ever knew it would be at the fault of one of them I would lose my most precious Bob.
We lost our only son to suicide 2 years a go. We can’t live thru this
There is nothing I can say to make your pain go away. But I am with you in spirit and thought as a traveller through this same devestating grief.
Please know that there are so many of us trying to live through this life changing pain. I pray that one day I will know why and see my child again…..
Requested additional postings haven’t received any. Try again. Thanks for support
Hi Jeanne
I’m not sure what you mean about additional postings. If you make contact with us through the contact page with the exact information you are after we can help you better ~ Maureen
Thank you, Maureen. My husband died about 5 months ago of complications following cardiac arrest. He was 56. I am now a single parent to our 2 wonderful sons who are 11 and 13. It’ so difficult dealing with loneliness and all that being a working single parent entails. Thank you for you kind words. –Helena
Helena,
I am so sorry for you and your boys. My husband died nione months ago and it is still extremely hard to face each day. Thank God our children are grown and we have Grandchildren now. My heart aches for you. The only thing I can tell you is to face each day as it comes. There are no magic words to help you get through this. Hopefully your boys will be able to be your rocks to persevere,
Judi
What a remarkable, uncomplicated insight into this awful trauma, because that it was grief is – its a trauma. My wife died of Breast Cancer exactly six weeks ago today, in our home with me alongside her after ten long weeks of a terrible journey from a broken back caused by a metastasis to her dying in her sleep after falling into a coma. Nearly four years since she was diagnosed, at the end it felt s if I had been fighting a war with the terrible price of no more cancer being the end of her life. Every day I looked after her at home, confined to bed we both accepted that the end of her life was approaching, but knowing this did not relieve me of the acute sense of shock and numbing disbelief as I watched her stop breathing. My darling companion and best friend of 36 years had left me. I didn’t think it possible that a human being could weep for someone everyday for 49 days – but I have. I try my best everyday, as she would have wanted ansd I don’t want to let her memory down, but the pain is so physical some times I feel almost devoid of the energy to continue. I have never felt so depleted and exhausted in my life – I miss her so much and feel such acute sadness for her – not for me. She was only 56 an I have had mine and her wedding ring and engagement ring made into one wedding band which I shall wear until my day comes, when I pray I can hold hands with my darling wife once again.
The agony of grief is the most incredible trauma Mark – my heart goes out to you. Blessings ~ Maureen
I am so sorry for your loss. It must be hell for you. My own loss seems so trivial. I am the same age as your wife, and I am grieving over the loss of a relationship, and feeling huge loneliness. Thank you for being brave enough to post your feelings. It has helped me put my life into perspective.. I still have one, unlike your dear wife. And after reading your post, I will pull myself together and be thankful for what I have. You will be in my thoughts from now on.. I send you blessings, you sound like a great person, your wife was very lucky to have you there for her x
Mark,
I loved your combining your rings into one. I often put my ring on and wear it around the house. It’s been 6 years and I have long since decided that I am no longer married on this earth but wearing it makes me remember that I was someone’s wife and it was a great 27 years filled with ups and downs. I miss him everyday but it does get easier. I am finally feeling that I am OK alone and I have everything I need. I still desire to have someone in my life but it hasn’t happened. I will rejoice in the day Mike and I are reunited but until then, your humanly need for companionship will one day be enough for you to try again. I know it doesn’t seem like it and doesn’t feel right now but just know it will come. When it does, seek a quality relationship. There are lots of people out here and I was out of the game for so long it was a shock. This is just a bit of pre-warning. I know that you are still so full of grief that your can’t breathe right now. I still dream of him hurt because I watched him die too. That’s a tough one. I really wish that would go away. Just know that you are not alone and although we are part of a group that no one wants to be part of, here we are. There is only one way and it is through it. Take one minute at a time and everyday that you wake up and have made it through another day you will feel stronger. My thoughts and prayers are with you. There are many layers to this journey and just know that this is the hardest one. Hugs, love and strength to you. Cindy
Dear Cindy and Fiona
I really didn’t expect anybody to respond to my comments – they were made when my feelings of grief were so strong that writing something down, somewhere where I knew others might see it and understand, helped me at that moment. In fact when you responded Fiona I wept, because of the heartfelt kindness and sincerety that came over to me from you. And Cindy also – I was shocked initially when I saw your name as it was the same as my wife’s. Thank you for your kind and considered words – I can’t tell you how much little things like this help and make me feel that perhaps I am not going completely mad. We were so close and as she was slipping away, I used to stroke my hand across her forehead and keep talking to her, letting her know that I was still by her side and would always be so. I have truly never loved her more than I did at those moments.
God bless you for your support and advice – I’ll carry on doing my best because right now it really is all I can do….
Mark
Hi Maureen,
I am feeling very low after the loss of my long term relationship. I visited my sister and family yesterday. To be with family and other people was wonderful. I am now home in my cottage in another part of the country, feeling as I have on too many occasions completely isolated and alone, my boys are grown and live away,and I don’t even have the company of workmates during the week as I work for the most part, alone in an artistic profession. Money is tight also. I am off loading here!… My real intention was to tell you that I found your post on loneliness one of the most heartfelt I have come across, You have also been through these feelings, and your words are both helpful and wise. It gives me hope that you seem to be in a good place, and one day I know I will get there too. Thank you. Fiona x
Fiona,
My heart goes out to you. I was in the same boat and had to build a life. I am now 6 years out and am finally connected to people and things that were not part of my life with my husband. When you feel up to it you should try to connect with people in your area. Go to arts festivals or workshops or whatever is your fancy. It is a scarey step but the rewards are loving friendships and living again at some point. Good luck and hugs to you, Cindy
Thank you Cindy hugs back from Ireland! x