This was an article I wrote for my newsletter subscribers last month. It was prompted by listening to so many sharing with me heavy hearts related to certain times each week, month or year. The time trigger that happens over and over at those times or on particular dates.
Many of you believe that you are the only person affected by these time triggers. That it is only you doing such things or feeling a particular way. In your grief it seems like you are going crazy when Thursday at 1pm comes around each week, or the 6th of every month. You are certainly not crazy.
So I wanted to share my clock story with you, in the hope that you will feel reassured that your experience is common to so many who are mourning the loss of a loved one.
Blessings
Maureen
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The Day The Clock Stopped
Grief has changed me. Irrevocably. Never will my life be the same. My life has been split in half. The half I was before Stuart died and the half I am now. There is no going back. I also know that I have extra body parts, you might have them too.
I never knew I had a clock inside me until 1st December 2006. It seems I do. I can tell you exactly time by time frame what happened from that day on, like a snapshot in time captured perfectly. I can tell you the day was a Friday and started like any other. I can tell you what time I went to bed that night. I can also tell you what time the police woke me up. I can tell you what time it was when I phoned Stuart’s brother and sister. I can tell you what time it was when the Royal Flying Doctor plane took off. I can tell you what time it was when I was crying in ICU, as they handed me a cup of tea. I can tell you what time it was when his Dad and I spoke about organ donation. I can tell you what time it was when we turned his life support off and I can tell you the exact time he died. That was the day the clock stopped! That moment was frozen in time, in me!
The clock then went back to ticking and tocking. For a while the clock ticked by weeks, stopping at that time on that particular day every week. Then the clock chronologically shifted to months. Every month on that day, at that time, it stopped. Starting again to tirelessly tick and tock. Once a year, at the exact minute of that exact day of that exact month the glass face on the clock shatters - as do I, for a moment in time.
I now know, the clock will keep on ticking, ticking on remembering always…..and that’s OK, it’s one of my body parts now.
“Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.” …Sam Levenson
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
Accepting that it will never be over can be comforting in the sense that one does not have to feel guilty that they have forgotten. Thanks for you post.
Never ever forgotten..thanks Thom
Your last quote says it all. But the moment is always there. Thanks for sharing – your blog is a powerful way of keeping going
Thanks Roberta
Thank you for sharing. My grandfather died Dec 1st, 2004. The time is forever etched in my brain. He was my rock. The only person in my family who “got” me. I miss him terribly. But, your last quote is right…just keep going.
Melissa hugs….its so hard to lose those we love
Thanks for this post. Very poignant indeed. My internal clock is more about my emotional roller coaster : hope, fight, and then I had to accept that I had lost. He was gone. I have forgotten the exact times and dates, but my emotions are still raw.
Muriel I think our emotions stay raw forever….they erupt at certain times and never fully disappear. We love so much, so we hurt so much too. Grief is an emotional roller coaster of all those things you describe. Heart hugs x
An unimaginable moment in time for me. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Mary
Maureen, as you told your story I could hear the minutes stopping and starting. Thanks for this blog and for being an ambassador for healing.
Thanks so much Adriene
August 14, 2000. The day my clock stopped. Funny how I can’t remember dates well, not even my own birthday, but I remember the day Dad died.
Thank you for putting words to what I feel every year.
~cath
I think Cath we remember very significant events, and your Dads passing was one of those. Hence your ability to remember the date so well.
Thanks for your lovely words
Stunningly beautiful post, Maureen. I wish I could not relate to it or say how well it captures our altered relationship to time and the way we measure our lives. Like you, I can write out the second by second details of the before and after when tragedy hits. That new body part, the internal before/after clock, absolutely ticks louder at certain trigger points. It also often a lens through which I see the importance of having experiences, living in the present and not letting life pass you by. And sometimes the clock face shatters and we must find a way to pick up the pieces and go on.
A piece like this helps those who have lost feel less alone in their journey through grieving. Bless you for having the strength to write it.
Tambre, thank you for such positive words about my post. I too wish it did not resonate with either of us, but like you I have found ways to live my life fully with the clock still ticking.
Maureen,
WOW you are so right. I may not have been by my brother’s side when he passed, but I remember the day my mom and ‘dad’ (step-dad) left quickly, the time they arrived in WA, the first few days we talked about his health, the time my dad called to tell me and I remember what the kids and I did that day.
Thanks for sharing.
Leona, I dont recall hearing about your brother before, though you may have told me. I am so sorry that you too understand the ticking of the clock and events that make it resonate with both of us. Hugs x
I have this same “clock stopping” experience each year on the anniversary of a terrible head-on car crash that I had with a drunk driver. One year I went back to the exact same spot at the exact same time that the crash took place. I think I was hoping that I could do it over again and the wreck would have never happened.
Janette such trauma can have such life lasting consequences. It must have been terrible. My heart is with you.
I really don’t know what to comment to this. Anything I say will be nothing in comparison to what a stunning post this is.
Thanks Hajra
Thanks for sharing. Obviously this resonates, and helps the healing process, for many people.
Josie x
Josie it was very personal and a bit scary to bare my soul in such a way, but I think it has helped others. Hugs x
Wow Maureen. Just wow. So hauntingly beautifully put. So amazingly relatable. And it does help others, always remember that. Thanks for that. xo
Thank you so much xx
Maureen, that Sam Levenson quote was the perfect, uplifting end to this post. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and reminding us that we’re not alone, that it’s normal to have an internal clock functioning like that. Hugs!
Samantha, I never ever want people to give up hope. So even though I delve into some pretty emotive topics I always endeavour to make it, as you say, uplifting also in some way. xx
Hey Maureen -
How could anyone forget a day like that? I know I can vividly remember specific times and elements from when my father (1986) and mother (2005) died at home from 2-month battles with cancer. Here’s the deal. The clock still ticks and I still live on. I’ll never forget,,,will always remember,,,and thank them every night for all they did for me.
Thats the thing Charlie isnt it? Even though the clock ticks we keep on going, we live our life fully nonetheless with them fully in our hearts.
So true Maureen. Now I’m wondering…In our culture (Filipino, Catholic..not sure if others do the same), we mark the first year death anniversary. There could be a mass, or just some prayers said, a small gathering of some sort among close family and friends. Maybe this helps reset the clock somehow…maybe. Another thing to think about. Thank you for this very helpful post. Truly, all we can do is tick with the clock inside and outside….
Joy we dont have anything formal as such, though different cultures do (day of the dead) etc Most people develop their own rituals which help them through those days and remember with love.
Resetting the clock is interesting. I read something today that says things like that are often actually hard wired in our brains – we can change it if we want to. I am making progress on finding the love and the happy memories when my clock ticks and shatters.
Thank you — beautiful post.
The clock has stopped many times in my life — father, two sets of grandparents, step-father, aunts, unborn child.
Your words are both elegant and eloquent. You have a special knack for finding just the right words to walk us through tragedy, grief, and devastation but ending that journey on a positive note.
I admire your gift, Maureen!
Melanie
xoxo
Thank you Melanie! I dont consider myself a writer, though so many people have given me such positive feedback, and like you, describe it as a gift, so I must be!!
Finding the positive in life is something that I strive to do myself as well as plant the possibility in others.
Hugs
Maureen
Those few words say everything. The clock stopped. There’s little I can add to all the comments except to echo what they said – what a deeply moving piece.
Thank you Pennie x
Thank you so much for sharing . I am not the only one with the clock….!!! .My clock stopped on August 9th 2009 when my son Daniel was murdered .
Daniela I am so sorry you can relate so well to this post, as you also know the pain of losing a beloved son. My heart goes out to you – sending you strength x
Thank you Maureen for always being honest and as painful as it is sometimes for you to recall, it is in Stuart’s honour that you relate and help so many people. We are grateful and feel blessed. Interesting about the clock stopping, especially describing split in two halves, time before our sons passed and the time after. Every date I see anywhere, I now gauge if before or after. Listening to his train pulling in the station at 5.33pm every day is also painful….he should be on it. It is helpful to know this is the process and we are all similar and treading the same journey, no not crazy just grieving. But baby steps towards healing and always loving them, the clock stops but the LOVE doesn’t. Hugs Janelle
The love never does Janelle x