“What counts is not the enormity of the task but the size of the courage…..Matthieu Ricard
Image courtesy of Imani Project
When you first lose a loved one, grief permeates the very soul of your being. You don’t even consider courage. All your focus centres on the pain that has descended on your body, mind and spirit. You are surviving, how you don’t quite know. Certainly nothing more. Over time that place becomes very uncomfortable. You may be shifting around trying to escape. Each time you can’t seem to. You find yourself defeated again and again by the enormity of the pain that sits in your heart, pressing in and around you.
How many times have you cried out?
“I can’t do this!”
“Please, please help me”
“I want my son/daughter/husband/friend/wife back”
“This is so unfair, it’s not fair, it’s so unfair”
“Why? Why me? Why our family?”
Just writing this, I can remember when I was screaming and crying those very same things. I was in the very same place that you might be right now.
Although I didn’t do it consciously, I know at some stage I found courage. I found it spontaneously. I found an inner strength to enable me to look beyond my current reality and shift.
cour·age/ˈkərij/Noun
1. The ability to do something that frightens one.
2. Strength in the face of pain or grief.
It may not happen spontaneously for you. You may have to work on being courageous in your grief.
Judy Tatelbaum says, “One way to learn courage is to experiment with being courageous” She talks of noticing courage, pretending courage and trying courage.
Choose your words wisely – speak courage: The way in which you use words can impact you in ways you are not even aware of. Eliminate self-defeating words from your vocabulary. Replace them with power words for you. Even if you don’t believe what you are saying…pretend courage. It is putting that belief deep into your pscyhe.
“I can do this” “I will do this for…”
Turn your back on what you don’t want – try courage: I know I have spoken about this before. It is a subtle yet powerful way to impact your healing. Imagine in your mind’s eye that you have turned your back on all that pain. Just turn your back on it. It is a powerful metaphor for a barrier, a shield between you and the pain of grief. This does not mean you turn your back on your loved one. They are always with you, always journeying alongside you.
You are strength – notice courage: Remind yourself every day of your strength. Fill yourself up to overflowing with your courage to face the world and keep on. It is in the little things, that you are strong. It is in the being of life that you are strong.
I went for a walk
I had a special picture framed
I looked after my children
I went to work
I stayed in bed, because I needed to that day
I got up again
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Words of wisdom for anyone needed to step over or stomp through their fears!
Roy A. Ackerman, PhD, EA recently posted..Drama should provoke discussion…
Thanks Roy – some great power words there
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Claim your Courage
Thank you so much for this Maureen. I needed it today! *HUGS*
Kaye – you are courage, never forget that…Love n hugs x
I agree that there is power in thoughts and words. I like the old saying, “Fake it until you make it”. Pretending courage and trying courage are the first steps to being courageous.
Thank you for a wonderful post, Maureen.
Janette Fuller recently posted..America For Me
So true Janette, fake it until you make it, I’d forgotten about that one……someone obviously worked this out a while ago. Thanks so much for your comment .
Hi Maureen! In addition to claiming courage, one of the things that truly helped me with my grief (when I miscarried) was to claim the pain. I felt I needed to look at it in the eye and even let it overcome me. I simmered in it until it was ready to transform itself…to anger, rationality, hope, forgiveness and possibly many other things. I feel that even until now, it continues to transform. But let that long discussion be for another day, haha!
Thanks for this post, thank you for letting me find your blog. I would love to read more and I’m sure I would with PBAU!
))
Joy recently posted..Get Wired Wednesday
Joy, what a great insight you shared into the pain of grief, thank you so much for giving of your story in such an open way.
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Claim your Courage
Wow! I absolutely loved the concepts of “speaking, trying and noticing” courage, Maureen. Sometimes, we have to put the smile on first and the feelings come later. As you describe it, the whole experience can be “spontaneous.” We can usually never pinpoint when the turning point was, but we have to continue believing that it’s there.
Beautiful post, Maureen! Thank you!
Samantha Bangayan recently posted..Symbols of Love
Samantha, it can be so hard to try to do something that feels so alien, but like you say, its about believing…..
Maureen Hunter recently posted..Claim your Courage
Hi Maureen,
I can actually feel the pain you experienced of losing a loved one there were tears in my eyes.
I really cannot imagine the pain one must go through and you give so many words of encouragement to those who are going through this painful situation!
I love the quote you shared about "experimenting with being courageous" and eliminating self-defeating words from your vocabulary. It's applicable to everyone.
Many thanks for sharing this post!
Diana, thanks for your comments. Experimenting with courage, is indeed something we can apply to many areas of our life, not just grief.
Maureen Hunter recently posted..There’s an Elephant in the Room
It is easy to forget when you are grieving, that you are not the first person to ask these questions … why me, why now … or to say, I can’t do this! When I read these lines, I was reminded that I am not the first to ask nor will I be the last to say them. It is comforting to be reminded that there have been others, such as yourself, who have cried out and then to witness the regeneration when you can finally separate your grief from the one you loss.
Thank you for the ray of hope.
Ginette, when I first lost my son I thought I was the only one to experience such raw and debilitating pain. I soon found out I wasnt, there were others before me and others would come after me. I was not an island. I took great strength from knowing that others had got through the experience and shifted from that intense pain of early grief. The other thing that I held onto tight was indeed hope.
Hope is the seed that is planted in the winter to weave its way up to the surface next spring.
Hugs
Maureen Hunter recently posted..There’s an Elephant in the Room