My guest blogger today is Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) who is the author of several self-help books, including Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful and the forthcoming Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Simple Paths to Everyday Serenity. Ashley facilitates a Facebook discussion site for grievers called “Transcending Loss”. She lives in Epping, New Hampshire with her husband and their blended family.
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I’ve learned a lot of things in my twenty years as a grief counselor. For example, I’ve learned that life is never to be taken for granted. I’ve learned that love is stronger than death, always. And I’ve also learned that major loss changes a person irrevocably. The question is how. . . for the better or for the worse?
Well, that depends. There’s no doubt that loss turns our worlds upside down. Like an earthquake, loss cracks the foundations of our lives leaving a pile of rubble in its wake. It can take a long time – years even – for the dust to settle. It’s not unusual to continue living in the ruins for quite awhile.
But at some point, many grievers experience a subtle shift, an intentional decision to rebuild. Rebuilding is more than simply ‘moving on.’ It’s more like a reengagement with life using the love for your dear one as the fuel. It’s choosing to move forward with an open, loving heart.
This choice, this process isn’t necessarily easy. Depending on personality, temperament, childhood history and a host of other biological and psychological issues, it can be a natural path or a very challenging road.
If you’ve been grieving for awhile, if you’re feeling stuck, or if you’re working on shifting your relationship to grief, try reflecting on these questions:
♥ Imagine that a magic wand could be waved and all your grief erased . . . BUT . . . the catch was that you had never known your loved one. What kind of person would you be if your loved one had never been part of your life?
♥ What would your loved one tell you if they could reflect on your grieving process? Would they think you’re doing well? What advice might they offer?
♥ How have you been changed by the experience of loving your loved one? How have you been changed by the experience of being loved by your loved one? Do you live with that love shining on you and out from within you?
♥ What is grief trying to teach you about life, about love, and about loss? If death is your hardest teacher, are you getting the most out of class?
♥ Look at how other grievers channel their pain into creative, compassionate ways. Talk to them; learn from them; take inspiration from them. How can you apply their example to your life?
Be patient with yourself as you seek to grow through your grief. When the time is right, you can intentionally choose a direction that takes you down the better path. You can’t bring your loved ones back to this planet, but you can continue living in a way that honors them. You can keep their love alive, touch other lives in the process, and make loss meaningful. I wish you blessings on the journey.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank You our little girl was taken from us only four months ago, so our family is really struggling I want to carry on for all the others especially my son and incredible husband, so I will follow you and use your advise. Tanja
Tanja, my heart goes out to you on the loss of your precious angel, not so long ago.
Ashley writes such inspiring words and I hope that you find much comfort and strength from them.
Blessings always
Maureen x
Maureen Hunter recently posted..For Better or For Worse by Ashley Davis Bush- Guest Blogger
So glad I found you Maureen lots love love
A wonderful post! Ashley has such a gift for expressing and putting into words what so many are experiencing. This post explains the journey and gives hope to those in the beginning stages of grief to know that it will hurt less eventually. I loved her question “Imagine that a magic wand could be waved and all your grief erased . . . BUT . . . the catch was that you had never known your loved one. What kind of person would you be if your loved one had never been part of your life?” I would never not have wanted to have had the experience of knowing my late husband, painful as it was, I learned so much about me and life, and he gave me my greatest gift of all – my son
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Ashley’s other questions really resonated for me and caused me once again to take a look at how I’m doing. She honours grief in a healthy way that really moves me. So glad I found her!
Hi Barb
Ashley certainly is able to express in words so well, what we are feeling in the reality of our grief.
It can be an incredible shift in our healing when we can look at what the experience of loss has given us, even amidst our pain.
It is so important to have our support crew around us when we have lost a loved one and someone that is able to touch us and inspire us with their writing becomes a valued member.
Thank you Maureen for all your words of hope. The blogger was great today. I love Marty so much and it hurts more everyday. I am really dreading Mother's Day. He always gave me something special and I have all the cards he ever sent to me. I have been looking through them this week and thinking of all the good times we shared and wish it was still like that. Thanks for all your help.
Becky Loflin
Marty's Mama