After the loss of a loved one we are thrown into the chaos of grief, flailing around aimlessly in the swell of hurt and emotions that swamp us. Every day seems like a bad day. Even many years later we can have days where the effort of coping, the effort of everyday demands and the effort of living becomes too great to bear for a time. We give in and collapse, letting ourselves become engulfed and dragged down by our emotional burdens.
When we’re in that place it’s hard to find a way out, to see daylight and be able to breathe in fresh air again. Here are some tips to help you navigate the black hole – 20 ways you can get through your bad days.
Feel it for a while
Wallow - yes wallow. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to be in the mire of what we feel and what we are experiencing. We need to be engulfed in our great sorrow and pain that hurts like nothing on earth. We need to feel the depths of our anguish for ourselves, our deep ache for all that we are going through so that we can open our eyes to another day.
Set a timer - yes you can wallow but not forever. It’s a self-absorbed dark place that we don’t want to be in forever. Give yourself a time limit – minutes or hours, perhaps the whole day. Set boundaries that support you.
Move - any sort of movement is good. If it comes after a good wallow, it might be as simple as getting out of bed. It could be walking around the block or having a good stretch. Activity is a whole body plus. Start where you are and go from there.
Use gadgets
Smartphone - find an app that inspires you, something to lift your spirits when you’re feeling down. It could be faith based, inspirational quotes or the sounds of nature.
iPad/Tablets - there is an amazing array of stuff you can get nowadays to distract and divert you, to lift you up a little from the gloom that can descend. I’ve recently added the TED app to my iPad. TED is a non-profit dedicated to ideas worth spreading. In their iPad app there are hundreds of talks from their conferences you can watch on a bad day or when sleep eludes you.
Playlists - find your favourite music and put it into playlists depending on your mood. Have one for gloomy days, some music that pulls you up a notch. Have one for walking. Have one for sleeping. You can even get special ear bud sleeping bands for comfort plus.
Comfort treats
Soft tissues - our poor noses come in for a battering when we are grieving. We have never cried so much. So buy some extra gentle tissues to have on hand. A little softness goes a long way when we’re feeling miserable.
Cuddle up - buy a beautiful soft and snugly throw to dive into. There is something about being warm and covered that makes us feel protected and cared for. It’s a hug with us, for ourselves.
Food - it’s not a good thing to dive into the cupboard when we’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed but we all do it and it can be an emotional short term boost. Keep it for those times when you need it most. We all have our favourites, for me its chocolate based – hot drinks, chocolates or pudding.
Warmth - have you noticed how you feel better when the sun is shining and you feel warm and cosy? Where you can, get out in the sunshine or warm yourself by the fire front and let the heat thaw the ache in your heart a little.
Bathe – immersing ourselves in the warmth of a scented bath or feeling the hot water of a shower pour over us can be very soothing. Team it up with a beautiful soap or oil to make you feel nurtured and special.
Be Uplifted
Laugh – something that might seem impossible when we are in the depths of despair. Laughing is healthy and nothing to feel bad about. We all need some relief, a breather and laughter can do so much to release the tension we hold in tight. Watch this yoga laughter video or keep a couple of DVDs or tapes you know you will laugh at close at hand. It can do so much to break open the shell of despair sitting heavy in your heart.
Feed your mind - have a couple of books, DVD’s or tapes that inspire you in some way. You might have some you turn to again and again. If not, start to collect a couple of things you can use during these difficult days. To comfort you, inspire you and give you hope.
One good thing - it can be the hardest thing in the world to feel grateful for anything when we have lost someone we love so very much. Yet I believe if we try and if we practice we can find our one good thing that becomes another and another. It taps us into the polar opposite of our loss and directs us towards hope and healing.
Your box of goodies - when you are having a bad day, give yourself a fighting chance and know what makes you feel better. It could be a picture or a piece of jewellery. It could be a gift voucher you bought a while ago for a day like today. It could be a beautiful fragrance or a bunch of your favourite flowers. Keep them in your real or imagined box and tap into them when you need to.
Stay Connected
Phone a friend - gauge how you feel. Sometimes we want to talk, sometimes we don’t. We may not have close friends or family we can call but we may be able to connect in other ways. Grief is a very lonely and isolating experience. We all have times where we need support and need to know we’re not the only one feeling this way.
Get support - most grief support groups have contact lists where you can reach out for support. If you are feeling suicidal in any way please get immediate help from your Doctor, Hospital or Emergency help line in your area. The internet never sleeps and can be a great support and reassurance to those from any part of the world who need to connect with someone else who is grieving.
Seek help - I often say whilst there are many who can walk beside us we are the only ones who can do the work, the hard yards of mourning and healing. We are the only ones who can do what it takes to live again. We are the only ones who can seek help to support ourselves as we step through our grief. We may have gone beyond being able to help ourselves by ourselves or what we have tried just isn’t working. It’s time to try something different. Never be afraid to seek help, it could be a turning point for you.
Go somewhere different
Treat yourself - our homes can become our safety net, our sanctuary especially when we’re feeling so very sorrowful. Getting out the house and being in a different place moves your body but it can also shift your mood. Make it pleasurable, take yourself somewhere nice. Break the mould.
Sit with the birds - nature is incredibly restorative and healing. Sit outside for 10 mins with a cuppa or go for a walk in a nearby park. Listen to the sounds of nature; let it be a salve to your soul. Find a beautiful picture of our wonderful world to adorn your desktop or sit on your table. Buy a water fountain and be surrounded by the sounds of nature in your everyday.
Go visiting - where have you always wanted to go? See it in your mind, imagine it. Bring it to life with pictures. Read about it, think about it, and plan it. Having something to look forward to can help us deal with the difficulties we are going through right now. It might not be a long held dream, it could be a trip for a night or two away, a holiday or something you always wanted to do.
Try some of these on for size; see if they are a good fit for you. If not, come up with your own ways. You are helping yourself as only you can by finding what works for you and then doing it.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of. 
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
I absolutely love Pajama Day. It is nice to just sit in my Pajamas and relax some days. But today with the Heat I am staying inside, and doing some writing. I had written a Poem for my Father many years ago, before he passed away, and read at his funeral. It is a very touching poem, and reminds me of him. He always spent time with us, even after working all day or whatever.I feel so inspired by the things you say Maureen. Thanks so much for giving me the courage to go on. Some Days I do go to the Park, and enjoy hearing the birds, sometimes I just step outside my front door and can hear them too. It is such a beautiful Sound. It reminds me of the ones thatI have lost, in some ways. I feel like they are still here with me.
I do too Nancy, there is something special about birds. Enjoy your writing, if you’d like to share, please do on my Facebook page, it can be such a blessing to so many to read ~ Maureen
I think think one of the most difficult days I had recently was my Moms birthday. At the time I was also on my honeymoon which made it an especially hard day for my husband and I. My mom spent 4 1/2 years in a nursing home before she died. I would go see her or call her on her birthday. Birthdays are important to me because you can celebrate the day a person came into this world and became part of your life. The nursing home my mom was in was close to my sister but not to me which made it more difficult to go and see her with my busy work schedule. Now there is no more chance to see her until we are in eternity together. On one hand that is a comfort because she was in so much pain. I would not want her to still be here for me. I just miss her! No more chances to finish unfinished business or to tell her I love her. I know I can go to her place where she is buried to talk to her but it just isnt the same. This may just be another day when I miss her.
Birthdays and anniversaries can be very difficult and bring up so many emotions Marie. Of course you will miss her, do what you can to keep her part of you each and every day. Its not the same, can never be the same but we can find new and different ways to continue our love and our connection ~ Maureen
I have lost my Father, Mother, Brother, Sister and many old time friends and close relatives that shared good memories. I felt a loss as they passed away, but I "let them go". I am 86 years old and recently lost my husband of 52 years. I am completely at a loss, My husband was the "old time" kind of a husband and felt he had to control our lives. Not only did he do a good job, but he wanted to see me taken care of. Although I had had a very responsible job before we married, he made many of the major financial decisions concerning our lives. I also feel a tremendous sense of guilt that I didn't tell him I loved him until he was dying. I keep thinking I will miss him less as time goes by, but I miss him more. My daughter has no interest in all the old family items passed down to me, and this also hurts. I feel I have lost a very important part of myself.
Elise our guilt can completely cripple us in our grief and we do lose ourselves in many ways. Keep him in your everyday, write to him, share what you are feeling and how much you miss and love him. Bring the essence of him to you as you write. His invisible presence is in your heart and closer than any of us can ever imagine. Sending hugs ~ Maureen
thanks for share this. I really need this <3
You are so very welcome Petra
Now that I have moved in with my daughter and granddaughter things are starting to settle down for me a little. We live in the country where I can sit out on the deck and listen to the birds and watch the wildlife, a place to walk my dog and time to be by myself to feel. I am blessed with sisters that have opened their homes to me at any time. Tuesday would have been my husband's birthday and was very tough but having my grandchildren with me helped. August 15th is the anniversary of the day my husband proposed to me. My sisters are taking me to the mountains for that weekend where I will be surrounded with love and support. They empathize with me and my grief and never let me forget how special I am to them. Whithout the love and support of those family members and my friends I would be lost. They let me have my space but let me know that they are there for me.
What a treasure as you go through these difficult times to have your families love and support Toni, it is such a blessing ~ Maureen
Thank You Maureen for this. My twenty year old son was killed in a car accident January 21, 2011. I thought it would get easier as time went on but I have been having quite a few bad days lately and appreciate these ideas. I especially like the pajama days, I never seem to have time for them and I am scared if I do to many I may like them to much and get stuck on them. You are such an inspiration to me and look forward to your daily emails. May God bless you for all the help you offer to all of us that are grieving.
Janice
Janice it is such a hard road to travel after the loss of our beautiful children. So glad I am able to walk with you through your grief ~ Maureen
Each comment I read really hits home. Every person has their own story and different circumstances and yet, they all add up to the same thing; grief. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone with my sorrow and lonliness. God bless all of you in your journey.
Thanks Maureen I really appreciate your words as I have lost my husband and my father in law in the last 6 months and I have had days where I just struggle to get out of bed and look after my twin baby boys and just reading and doing some of your suggestions I know will help me to just “Be” so thank you very much from the bottom of my shattered heart xo
Thanks Belle ~ it must be so very hard for you with your babies to look after whilst your heart is hurting so very much. Hugs Maureen
I was 7 months pregnant when I lost my son just this past june 27th. Its very hard here for me I try to be social with people and do things to make me feel better but it doesn’t seem to help I’m sad all the time crying and the father of the baby doesn’t support me and I often wonder why but I still don’t know Ineed him to be there for me but he rather drinks and my daughter cries for her brother because he’s not in my stomach anymore I just seen your 20 ways and I’m going to try em and let you know later but they sond pretty good so I will be posting again.
I hope they help you a little Mary in getting through this difficult time ~ Maureen
You gave such wonderful tips, thanks for sharing them! I especially like (and use) the tip about allowing yourself to wallow in your grief. Often times we struggle with allowing ourselves to feel the pain of losing someone we love. It is good to allow ourselves to actually feel and release the pain, to allow ourselves to feel the misery and loneliness come over us. BUT we cannot allow ourselves to sit in that state for days, weeks, or months. It is not healthy and we are not living. As painful as it may be, speaking from experience, we must move on. Eventually, as time goes by, the need to wallow in our misery and pain becomes less and our hearts and minds heal.
Thanks for the additional tips. They were wonderful ideas to help one pull out of the wallowing state and into the living state of grief.
I’m finding that my decisions and wishes are things of the past. My husband of 52 years is gone and I feel that except physically, I have gone with him.
I am 86 years old, and am trying to hang on to many of the things that were precious to both of us.
I am overwhelmed by his death, and so regretful that I didn’t tell him how much I loved him.
Along with my great feeling of loss of Neal, I have finally come to the reality that our daughter is more concerned about the money we had saved, insurance, jewelry, or anything that I have that is gold. She has gone off to Florida with her husband to stay with his family, so she can relax.
We were blessed by this daughter after a year of fertility work on me. We were 36 and 42 years old.
We were there for her every step of the way. Through her first marriage to the boy next door, through her birth of 4 grandchildren, through her second marriage.
I feel I lost not only my husband, but I have lost all my early memories of our family (she says she has no interest in the past) and I have lost my daughter.
In our grief of our physical losses we also find ourselves grieving for all the other losses that unfold along the way and into our future. Heartfelt Blessings to you during this difficult time Elise
I would like to share a memorial I wrote for my daughter who passed away: THEY WILL NOT TAKE MY DAUGHTER FROM ME……………………
by Linda L Williams on Thursday, January 26, 2012 at 7:18am ·
I remember it like it was yesterday, The phone call I dreaded. I had to tell my mother I was preganat. But little did she know I knew about what an abortion was so I waited til I was 6 1/2 months along because in my mind, THEY WOULD NOT TAKE MY CHILD FROM ME……… Well it kinda back fired against me she moved me to Michigan away from the only life I knew growing up in my safe hometown of Columbus Ga. Once in Michigan I contacted Catholic Social Service I figured the best thing for my child was adoption. On May 10, 1982 at the age of 16 I knew something wasn’t right I knew I was in labor. I finally woke my mother up who calmly drove me to the hospital checked me in and then said “Call me when it is over” She came back just in time to see the birth of her 1st granchild. “It’ a girl” Those are the words we were told but then they told me I wasn’t allowed to see her because of the adoption. This was not acceptable!!!!! I walked all around the hospital til I found my daughter since they didn’t have me on the maternity floor. I finally talked my mother into going to see her grand-daughter. It was all over then I decided, THEY WILLL NOT TAKE MY DAUGHTER FROM ME. 3 days later I was leaving the hospital with my daughter Amanda Marie Williams. I december of that year I finally contacted her father and let him know he had the most beautiful little girl. In June of 1983 we were married. All was good at first, in June of 84 we had a complete family we now had a son. Chance Michael. and Amanda was now a Courington. I can’t say that my marriage was perfect because it wasn’t. Like they all told me I was too young. When Michael and I divorced his parents stepped in and tried to intervene to keep me from moving to Michigan with my children, They took me to court and took my children from me. I was still too young to realize it didn’t have to be that way. All I knew is that I would do whatever I had to do to protect my children. So I ended up going back to Michael and faced years of abuse but in my eyes it was what was needed so I could be with my children. One day the abuse just got to bad and Amanda came to me and told me she would rather visit me in Michigan the in a cementary. So I left leaving behind my beautiful children. After years of depression and substance abuse I finally got the call I waited for. Amanda was grown and uncontrolable “Come get your daughter. That was all I needed to hear I was there in 12 hours. Now I found my self leaving Alabama again this time with out my son. But I knew in my heart he was in good hand his grand parents loved him more then life, I just wish they had that same love for Amanda. I do know they did love her though. Well now I am a single mother with a 15 year old girl from Alabama living in Flint MI. WOW!!!!!! My daughter thought she was a kid in a candy store, so much more differant then Jasper Al. She then turned to gangs but I fought I just knew in my heart “THEY WOULD NOT TAKE MY DAUGHTER FROM ME” After years of rebellion she met the love of her life she met Jody Paul. I thought my worries were over, I thought wrong. Amanda and Jody were perfect for each other they had so much love for each other I would get sad. “Jody Paul TOOK MY DAUGHTER FROM ME” But on May 9th, 2002 the day before Amanda’s 20th birthday they gave me my very first grandchild, a little boy, Michael James Paul. I thought she should be the happiest woman in the world little did I know they were fighting a battle even I couldn’t fight for her. She had a disease a non-cureable disease it was called “ADDICTION” and not only was she an addict but my child was a heroin addict. Her addiction was so bad she called her mother in law and asked her to help her and the help she needed was the most unselfih act a mother could do she signed over custody of her son to Kathy Paul. I could go on and on but the bottom line is no matter how hard I fought for my little girl the bottom line is on March 4th 2011 HEROIN TOOK MY CHILD FROM ME……………………………………… R.I.P. AMANDA COURINGTON-PAUL May10,1982 – March 04, 2011
Tomorrow is my hubby’s birthday and I’m a mess. This is my second year and I thought it would be easier but actually this year is harder. The cemetery just let me know his headstone was placed today. It is his birthday present. Happy Birthday Babe! I can’t stop crying. I need to get a handle on my emotions. My daughter and her family are moving away on Sunday so I’m feeling another loss. A tough day!
Feeling for you Sallie – let your tears fall as they may and feel his love around you always. Big hugs ~ Maureen
My hubby has been gone for over a year . . . our second wedding anniversary since his death is approaching fast, and I’m really struggling. . . . peace and comfort be with you Sallie
I lost my husband/best friend of 29 yrs only 2 months ago. This greif is overwhelming and weekends are the worst. Sunday nights was our date night where would connect before the busy week. I waiver between wanting live and wanting die and it’s hard reading that it does not get any easier. Today is Sunday, thank you for your advice.
Kerrie never give up your hope for ease in your heart. It did get easier for me and does for many but the emotions dont necessarily go completely. Grief bursts can erupt at odd times over many months and even many years later but the intensity and length of the pain changes. Have you got my free booklet already? If you havent it gives you some ideas to keep your beautiful man in your heart always http://www.esdeer.com/hope ~ Maureen
Sunday was our day too and I’m better now that his birthday is over. Kerrie it does get easier. The periods of sadness and crying have lessened. I’m not saying they are gone by any means but time and working your grief work like crying and remembering do help. My therapist told me when I was about where you are that it would get easier and I didnt believe her, but it does. It’s only been two months, give it time the grief will ebb and flow. If I learned one thing it was that emotions change from moment to moment. Hang in there, get some grief books, find a group if you wish. This group is very supportive. If I can get this far so can you! I was married 46 years to the love of my life! Fell in love with him at 16, I miss him daily but I didn’t get to choose so here I am. Hugs
I lost my son on the 31st of July due to trisomy 18, he died inside me. I still cant believe it really…just feel empty and it makes it so hard that I fought against all odds to keep him, all the Drs said he was going to die but I had faith to meet him alive and that God would change things somehow and grant me a miracle healing…its been 2 months today since I found out he died, I gave birth the next day (02/08). I’m angry at God I resent my friends for not understanding and I just want to go to his grave and dig him out, maybe if I pray one last time he’ll come back. Life has no meaning and my friends and cousins all had baby boys this year, its quite horrific and the father of my baby rejected my son from day 1, he was not even there at the funeral. I hate him, sometimes I dont know if its the anger or the hurt or the hatred that consumes me or the hopelessness of it all. I just want to die.
I lost my brother-in-law in March. Was escorted out of the hospice house he was in due to knowing to much on how he should have been taken care of and turning my sister and her family against me. They were more about the money then they were about his care or our feelings. I had a break down after I got home from pure madness and exhaustion. My husband and some of my family member put me in a lock down place for 4 days. God needed rest but I am still having an issue with all of this. What does this mean.
So sorry to hear of all the emotional turmoil in your grief Pam, thinking of you ~ Maureen
My lovely and sweet husband died April 25, 2012. I miss him so much and the days seem so long and empty without him. We were married for 29 years and had lots of fun together. We also worked together and spent most of our time together. I am sure that has made the loss harder. I really don’t want to go out and be with people but I do make myself get out from time to time with my close friends. People were wonderful, but time moves on, and their lives continue and there are others to look after. I know that is normal but I do get lonely. Thanks so much for your help and wonderful words. Clara